Lab Rats in Space

by Bruno Bouchet

  Xanax marched off with the Typetor floating next to him and Bumface clicking as quietly as she could behind him.

  Everyone remained silent as Zed gasped for breath. He had been terrified, but now he was angry, really angry. Air scraped down his throat like it was full of nails.

  ‘Are you OK?’ whispered KT.

  Zed looked at him hard.

  ‘Yeah,’ he growled.

  ‘That was the worst I’ve seen Xanax. He’s horrible,’ said Dee.

  ‘What happened?’ Jay hadn’t been able to see from his cage, but he’d heard the noises, which were enough to terrify him.

  ‘That’s it,’ said Zed with a furious look on his face, ‘we’re getting out of here. Now.’

  ‘The electronic tag,’ screamed XL at the top of his silent voice. ‘Get the tag from Bumface’s pocket.’

  Chapter 4

  An Efficient Way to Eat

  Zed tried to think of an escape plan but he was distracted by a pain in his stomach. All the other subjects in their cages had stopped whispering as if they were waiting for something.

  ‘My stomach hurts,’ he said to KT.

  ‘Don’t worry, you’re just hungry,’ KT replied. Zed looked puzzled.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘They put food in the cages and we eat it.’

  ‘What’s eating?’ Zed could not remember doing anything like that before.

  ‘Everyone has to eat. Just do what we do.’

  Zed thought this could be his chance. They would have to lower the bars to put this food in the cages. He decided to crouch by the bars, ready to spring out the second he heard the ‘pfft’ noise of the bars going down. As the assistants starting walking down past the cages, he listened for the noise trying to work out how close they were getting to his cage. But he could not hear the noise of the bars being lowered.

  ‘How were they feeding everyone?’ he wondered. He soon found out.

  One of the lab assistants pushed a hover-trolley down between the cages. It was like the one the Typetor sat on. There were no wheels or legs, just a tray that hovered at the assistant’s waist. On the tray were long thin bowls with a sloppy lumpy porridge in it. The assistant pushed one bowl between the bars of each cage. No lowering of the bars meant no jumping free. To make things even worse, the food looked disgusting.

  ‘Yuck!’ said Zed when he saw KT putting it in his mouth with a spoon.

  ‘You better eat quick,’ said KT.

  ‘Why?’ asked Zed.

  ‘Just do it.’

  Everyone fell on the thin bowls of goop and scooped it up with the thin spoons. Everyone except XL, who just looked at the bowl and wished he could eat it. As he stared at the food, it looked like there was a bit less in the bowl. He imagined eating it and he did feel a bit less hungry.

  ‘The power of the mind,’ he thought to himself. ‘If I can’t eat, at least I can imagine it.’

  Everyone slurped their food quickly. Zed ate slowly. It tasted so horrible, he knew it must be good for him. He was only halfway through when everyone else had finished. Another great idea came to him. If he turned his bowl sideways and pushed it towards the back of the cage, the assistants would have to lower the bars to get it out. This was it, he decided. His big chance.

  ‘Oh dear!’ said Dee who could see he hadn’t finished.

  ‘What’s the hurry?’ Zed asked, turning the long bowl sideways. As he spoke the bowl and the spoon in his hand melted into liquid. It poured itself off the edge of his cage, onto the floor, joining the liquid of everyone else’s bowl and spoon. The liquid then ran up the corridor.

  It was another of Professor Xanax’s inventions— Homing Steel. It could be pressed into any shape and then after a set time, it turned to liquid and ran straight back to where it came from. It was efficient—no washing up, no clearing away dishes and no reason to lower the bars on the cage.

  Zed had not only been foiled again, but he was left with a pile of goo on his cage floor.

  Zed was determined not to give up and settled down to think of another plan. After two hours he still hadn’t come up with anything. As he was thinking, there was a tingling sensation in his belly. It sent a quick shiver through him that made him giggle.

  Everyone else shivered too. KT giggled.

  ‘And now for the chorus!’ KT said happily.

  Zed could feel something in his bum. It was as if something was about to burst out of his backside. He sat on his third hand and clenched tight worried about what was happening to him. It grew stronger. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to hold on. It felt like it was going to explode. He’d already made a mess in the cage with his food, now he was expecting something far worse.

  As he clenched his bum as tight as he could, farts echoed around the lab. KT put his bum to the bars of his cage and let rip as loud as he could. Dee lifted one leg off the floor and set one off. Zed realised he couldn’t fight it any more and a fart rattled his shorts.

  ‘That’s the highlight of the day,’ said KT.

  The food they had eaten had a special molecule in it. After they had time to digest all the nutrients, the molecule broke down whatever was left in their bellies in to a gas that then forced its way out and made them all fart. Another of Professor Xanax’s brilliant inventions that meant the subjects could be locked in their cages without ever having to go to the toilet. With no memories of one, the Lab Rats didn’t even know what a toilet was.

  Chapter 5

  Getting Close to Bumface

  Zed was not going to give up. If there was no time of the day when they were let out of the cages, then he would have to think of a plan to make Bumface open them. There was no way he was going to sit around waiting for Professor Xanax to come back and throttle him again. He had no idea what was beyond the cages or beyond the lab. They could be in a basement deep underground, or at the top of a high tower. There was only one way he would ever find out—by escaping.

  He had to get hold of the swipe card Bumface kept in her pocket. But how? He sat thinking of ways he could lure her close to his cage and sneak his hand into her pocket, but every idea he came up with had some problem. He decided there was no way he could get it out of her pocket without her noticing. He would have to hold her with one arm while he grabbed the card out of her pocket with the other.

  ‘No!’ he said to himself and beat his hands on the bars with frustration. ‘I’d never be able to hold her with one arm. If she came close enough, I could grab her head with both arms, but then what would I use to get the card from her pocket?’

  Perhaps KT could reach across if he held Bumface tight? No, KT’s cage was too far away. It was so frustrating. He beat his fists on the floor.

  ‘Ouch!’ he banged so hard he hurt himself. Without thinking his third arm came forward and started rubbing the two hands he’d hurt.

  ‘Of course!’ he thought to himself. ‘If they’ve given me a third arm, it’s only right I use it to escape.’

  Now he was excited. It was the best plan he had ever come up with. It was just about the only plan he could remember but even if he could remember every other plan he had ever made, he was sure this one would be the best.

  The cages were still as everyone was settling down to sleep after their food.

  ‘Psst,’ Zed tried to wake up KT quietly.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Shh… we’re going to get out of here and I need your help.’

  ‘We can’t!’

  ‘KT. We have to. I’m not staying here. Not after what Xanax did… and you’ve got to get out before they do something to you.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘Do you want to end up with an extra leg on your head?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then help me! We have to get Bumface down here and you’ve got to be able to catch.’

  ‘OK,’ said KT and thought about how they might lure Bumface to their cages.

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘If everyone chants her name really softly so she can hear i
t, without working out who’s doing it, she’ll come and check every cage.’

  ‘Like this?’ Zed started repeating her name slowly.

  ‘Yes,’ said KT.

  ‘Bum… face… bum… face… bum… face…’

  They both chanted softly and could hear that Dee had joined in too. A couple of others took it up. Soon it sounded like it was coming from everywhere and nowhere. Perfect.

  ‘Bum… face… bum… face… bum… face…’

  Click, click, clack, clack. She was coming. Everyone hid at the back of their cages and continued the chant.

  ‘Bum… face… bum… face… bum… face…’

  Every time she looked in a cage, whoever was inside stopped chanting and looked innocently at her while the whispered chant continued all around her. She turned quickly and leapt to the cage opposite trying to catch someone out. She didn’t. Every subject had a look of innocent amusement on their face.

  She clicked around more and more desperately, determined to work out where the noise was coming from.

  Eventually she came to Zed’s cage. She peered in expecting the same annoying innocent face to stare silently back at her. Not this time.

  Zed threw himself at the bars of the cage, grabbed her head with both of his hands and pressed her tight towards the cage. She tried to pull away but Zed found he was strong enough to hold her despite how hard she kicked and pushed. Before she could scream, he shoved her face close into his body to muffle any sound. With his third hand he reached down and into her pocket.

  She squirmed and wriggled but she was stuck. There was nothing there! His hand searched around, but the pocket was empty.

  ‘Other side!’ said KT. ‘The pocket on the other side!’

  Zed took his hand out, twisted his body round to reach her other side. All the while he held her head with his front arms and pressed it as hard as possible to his body between the bars. The bars were pushing hard into him and he could feel Bumface’s mouth on his chest trying to bite him.

  He felt down the other side of her lab coat. It wasn’t easy as she was moving around trying to escape. He found the pocket and slipped his fingers in. He was stretching as far as he could and could just feel the swipe card on the tip of his fingers. He twisted his body further towards that side. Bumface squirmed harder and harder. He pushed himself so close to her he was almost pushing himself through the bars of the cage. Between two of his fingers he managed to feel the card. He tried to grab it, but it slipped. Once again he reached down as far as possible, felt the card between two fingers, gripped it tight with his fingertips and removed his hand.

  Next, he had to flick it over to KT. While still squashing Bumface’s head into his chest, he swung his arm gently so that he didn’t lose the swipe card and flicked it towards KT. His hands were held out ready to catch it. The card flew at him, spinning in the air. He grabbed at it and missed.

  Zed watch horrified as it flew past KT’s hands. If it bounced off the bars and onto the ground, then his plan would fail.

  The card spun round and flew between the bars of KT’s cage and landed on the floor next to him. He grabbed the card, reached out and swiped his tag.

  ‘Pfft.’

  The bars were down. KT stared at the open space in front of him. He looked around the corner and saw the long rows of cages in both directions—longer than he ever imagined. Suddenly he was terrified. The cage was the only home he could remember. He had no idea of life outside it. Where would they go? What would they do?

  ‘KT, come on!’ Zed could see him hovering at the edge of his cage. He knew KT was frightened, because he was too.

  ‘We’ve got to do this. Set everyone else free first. I’ll hold on to Bumface. Tell them to get out of their cages but not to go anywhere yet. We’ve all got to run at the same time.’

  Zed knew that the second his bars went down, Bumface would be able to fight him more easily and raise the alarm. He had to hold on to her as long as possible. She fought hard and had even managed to bite him through his clothing. He felt her teeth dig into his skin but it just made him grip her even harder.

  KT swung his legs down and jumped to the floor. He was out and it felt good. He smiled quickly at Zed, and started quietly moving down the cages releasing everyone. Up one side right to the end, then down the other. He skipped over Zed and did all the cages on the other side. Everyone slipped out of their cages and onto the floor. Some of them crouched on the floor, unused to all the space around them. Some hid under the bench that their cage was standing on.

  Soon Zed was the only one still in his cage.

  ‘OK, give me the card!’ he said to KT.

  ‘I’ll just swipe you!’ KT replied.

  ‘No, everyone needs as much of a head start as they can. Give me the card!’

  KT reluctantly handed it up into Zed’s outstretched third hand.

  ‘Everyone run! Keep in small groups but run in any direction you can!’

  He was going to hold on to Bumface to give everyone as much of a head start as they could. He would figure out his own way of escaping later.

  ‘Go!’

  Suddenly kids, animals, birds and other creatures erupted into the lab, running for any door they could find. Lab assistants tried to grab them, some struggled free, others were held.

  Zed’s arms were tiring. It was now or never. He tried to reach up with his arm to swipe the card on his tag, but it was too far away. The only way he could reach it was if he let go of Bumface.

  He had no choice. Zed pushed her as far as he could, but she was ready for him. In a second she was back at his cage with her hand over the tag. He couldn’t swipe it. She stood there panting, leaning against the tag.

  ‘If there’s only one subject that stays behind, I’ll make sure it’s you!’

  Zed tried to punch her to make her fall back but he was weak and she avoided his fist. He tried the swipe card inside his cage in case it worked on the back of the tag. It didn’t.

  ‘You’ll be sorry you were ever born. Just wait until Professor Xanax finds out!’ She hissed at him through her little pinched mouth. Her mean eyes squinted harder than ever.

  ‘You filthy little animal!’

  ‘Let me go!’ He swung at her again with all three of his arms and in his anger let the hand with the swipe card stick through the bars of the cage.

  ‘I’ll take this, thank you!’ she snatched the card and stood back.

  ‘Not very clever now are you? The only one not to get away. You stupid little monkey!’ She taunted him through the bars of the cage, waving the swipe card at him.

  Zed couldn’t believe he would be the only one not to escape. He would be trapped to face Professor Xanax alone.

  ‘Not that stupid!’ a voice shouted from behind Bumface. She turned to see who had spoken. The second she did, a hammer arm swung round at the back of her knees and knocked her to the floor, sending the swipe card flying out of her hand. It was Dee. KT caught the swipe card in the air as Dee jumped on top of Bumface.

  He threw the card to Jay, who jumped up and swiped Zed’s tag.

  ‘Pfft.’

  The bars of Zed’s cage came down. He was free.

  ‘Couldn’t leave you behind!’ said KT, thrilled to see Zed free. KT, Dee, Jay and Emm, the girl who had been on his other side, had all stayed, determined to make sure Zed’s plan would work for him too.

  ‘Come on, we’d better go!’

  The only Lab Rat that had not leapt out of his cage was XL. He had tried inching forward and had made it a little closer to the edge, but with no arms or legs it was a very slow journey.

  ‘Help me! Someone carry me!’ he shouted as loud as he could. The last kids to escape were all about to charge past when Jay spotted him.

  ‘What about XL?’ he pointed to the furry brick. He felt sorry for the amount of snot he’d blown over the little creature.

  ‘He might be better off here,’ said KT.

  ‘Noone is better off here. Noone,’ said Zed.
r />   Emm picked up XL, and tucked him under her arm.

  ‘What about Bumface? I can’t sit on her forever?’ Dee said from on top of their jailor.

  ‘We need to stop her from running after us,’ Emm added.

  ‘Smash her legs,’ said Zed.

  ‘No!’ said Dee, horrified.

  ‘I know,’ said KT, ‘it’s payback time!’ He grabbed XL from Emm, and shoved him up Jay’s huge nose.

  ‘Yuck,’ thought XL, ‘perhaps I am better off in the cage!’

  ‘Urgh!’ said Jay as KT pulled the furry thing out, ‘Argh… argh…’

  ‘Brilliant!’ said Zed.

  ‘Get ready to jump, Dee!’ KT said.

  ‘Argh… argh…’ one of Jay’s sneezes was on its way. KT pushed him over to Dee and Bumface.

  ‘Now Dee, jump!’

  Dee leapt off just as Jay let go a huge, ‘Choooo!’.

  The snot flew out of his nose all over Bumface.

  ‘Yes!’ KT punched a fist in the air. Even XL was grateful to have been shoved up Jay’s nose if it meant Bumface finally copped one of the giant bogeys.

  ‘Now run!’

  Every time Bumface tried to stand up to follow them, she slipped in Jay’s snot and fell over again.

  ‘Help me!’ she cried through all the gunky fluid. ‘Help me!’

  As the Lab Rats ran away from her, nobody could hear her cries. At the end of the cages the children saw what used to be the experiment benches in the lab. It was now a battle scene.

  ‘Look out!’ shouted KT as he grabbed Emm and leapt to one side just as a glass jar of steaming coloured liquid smashed onto the floor next to them.

  Zed saw an assistant holding a dog with a girl’s head. She howled as the assistant spun her around by her tail, smashing into benches and sending rows of test tubes crashing to the floor. Zed shouted really loudly in the assistant’s ear. He let go of the dog, who shot off as fast as she could.

  ‘This way Zed, quick,’ Dee called to him. He ran with her. Just as they reached the edge of a bench, they saw a big water tank rocking backwards and forwards. A bright purple and green creature which looked like an octopus with a giant toothy mouth was throwing itself at the glass trying to make the tank rock over.