Where the Hell is Tesla? A Novel

by Rob Dircks

  So from that moment, the Great Earth Trust was born. And the best scientific minds of the time were gathered to form The Great Earth Trust Solution. (And ironically, because everyone on the planet now had a common goal, and no reason to develop atomic bombs and shit, there was relative peace on Earth for the next eighty years. A little accidental benefit of having a giant meteor target your ass!) So who was on this dream team?

  • Albert Einstein – “The Quarterback.” Known for his imagination as well as insane intellect, his role was to come up with the core idea: how to save as much of humanity as possible, to live beyond the destruction of Earth. Brainstorm new ideas, throw out shitty ones, and be cool. Which he was.

  • Marie Curie – “The Elementalist.” In charge of finding new base chemicals and materials for contruction, shielding, medicines, life support systems, you name it. She rocked it.

  • Carl Jung – “The Dreamer.” His role was to shape the mindset and psychological adjustments necessary for an entire species to live in radically new circumstances.

  • Wilbur and Orville Wright – “The Architects.”(In case it’s not obvious, I’m making the nicknames up.) Famous for their first airplane flight just a year prior, the brothers would design and begin construction on the massive self-contained living areas across the globe called “iPods.”

  (Wait – iPods? WTF? I interrupt my novel to remind Alternate Pete that iPods are the little music players that have been around since 2001. Alternate Pete reminds me that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, and those are called iDrives. “IHPods” stands for Intraplanetary Habitation Pods. Spelled I-H-Pods. The “h” is silent. Duh. Of course, Chip! Get with the program!)

  And the last member of the Great Earth Trust Solution Dream Team? The man responsible for an insane new fuel that powers this whole getup? Drum roll please…

  • Nikola Tesla!

  (Official novel break: Tesla gasps when he hears his name. “One moment, if I may, master Pete. The ANTIMATTER COLLECTOR AND AMPLIFIER? Could it possibly be real?”

  Alternate Pete grins. “You bet. Mr. Tesla, sir. Your invention saved our world.”

  “But… the resources required to construct…”

  “Mr. Tesla. It’s real. Sadly, the Nikola Tesla from our dimension made it only as far as the ITA portal in 1943. He died right at the doorway. But The Journal was intact. Sir, you’ll get to see your work realized. And there are a LOT of people who’d like to say thank you.”)

  Okay, back to Earth Fragment Five: A Space Odyssey…

  So Nikola Tesla was on the team, too. And he took FORTY YEARS to develop the most unbelievable, ass-kicking fuel collection/amplification/distribution system ever.

  See, they knew that they needed a fuel alternative – as traditional petroleum reserves couldn’t be counted on when the planet broke into a million pieces. Each of the fifty IHPods (not the music player) would need a massive, efficient fuel source to power artificial breathable atmospheres, infrastructure, farming, industry, communication, blah, blah, blah, supporting the millions of people living in each one, floating around on their little patches of dirt.

  But what the hell could they use to power it? Atomic energy as a fuel didn’t even exist yet, and Marie Curie already knew that radiation from using radioactive isotopes might be a huge problem. So they were all sitting around banging their heads against the conference room table (except Einstein – he was out getting his hair teased) and Tesla stormed in, waving his journal over his head.

  “Antimatter!”

  Everyone was like “Dude - you were supposed to bring sandwiches. And what the hell is antimatter?”

  “I will return with sandwiches, I apologize. And when I do, I will have the solution to our fuel problem!”

  40 YEARS LATER…

  So Tesla got kicked out of the Dream Team for talking crazy shit about antimatter (and maybe for not ever returning with sandwiches), but on his deathbed four decades later, he revealed the solution to their fuel problem: The ANTIMATTER COLLECTOR AND AMPLIFIER. (Yes, in all caps.) Then he croaked.

  (Official novel break: Tesla seems genuinely sad to hear that his counterpart in this dimension died in 1943. Which raises a question: with infinite alternative dimensions, aren’t versions of us dying all the time? Whatever. I’ll just let you ponder that downer thought for a while.)

  Anyway, this device (it’s huge, and has to be blasted into space to work) collects antimatter from a belt of the stuff about 500 kilometers above Earth and amplifies its effects. So a single gram of antimatter can power an entire IHPod for three years. Imagine smoking that shit?

  So anyway they ditched their less-than-earth-shattering plan (no pun intended), posthumously let Tesla back into the gang, celebrated with (you guessed it) sandwiches, and got to work.

  40 MORE YEARS LATER…

  October 12, 1984. Impact. Holy hell.

  The Earth shattered into twelve main fragments and about a hundred smaller chunks. Thirty-five of the IHPods remained (they had estimated fewer, so this was actually a good number). Lots of people died. But a LOT of people lived.

  And they all lived happily ever after.

  The End.

  From: Chip Collins

  To: Julie Taylor

  Date: June 4, 2015 5:43am

  Re: Earth Fragment Five

  Meg’s reading over my shoulder. “Woah! Woah. Chip, you can’t end it like that! What about us? How do we fit in? What about the journal? And the ITA? And WHO?”

  “That’ll be in Earth Fragment Five: A Space Odyssey Book Two. Come on. Give my fingers a freaking break. One novel at a time.”

  Alternate Pete laughs. “All your questions will be answered when we get inside, Meg. Look. We’re here.”

  Wow. We’ve all been so distracted by Alternate Pete’s story, we didn’t notice our approach. Earth Fragment Five is actually beautiful. Like a little craggy moon, but covered in green and blue. Well, half of it is, I guess the top half. The bottom half is all machines and plumbing and shit. The whole thing seems to me about as big as Maryland. I don’t know. I sucked at geography in high school.

  Anyway, we start descending through these big, puffy clouds, and I’m like “shouldn’t there be a dome or something?”

  Alternate Pete laughs again. “It’s a little more complicated than that. Even I don’t know how it works. You’ll have to ask Commander Collins about it.”

  “Wait. Did you say Collins?”

  Alternate Pete puts on a shit-eating grin. “Yup. Didn’t want to spoil the surprise. Commander Clarence Collins.”

  Regular Pete sees me turn white as a sheet. “Dude. You okay?”

  “Pete, dude. Clarence is my first name.”

  From: Chip Collins

  To: Julie Taylor

  Date: June 4, 2015 5:43am

  Re: Earth Fragment Five

  Hi Julie,

  Yeah, holy shit, right?

  Clarence “Chip” Collins. That’s me.

  Heck, I’m pretty sure I never even told YOU my real first name. It’s always just been Chip. When my grandfather saw me for the first time, he said I looked just like my dad. A chip off the old block. So Chip it was.

  I swear until I went to school I didn’t even know. On the first day of kindergarten Mrs. Ostenfrier is calling out “Clarence Collins?” and I’m like “cool, there’s another kid with my last name in class!” And she keeps looking around, and skips over my name until I’m the last one not called.

  “And who are you, young man?”

  “Chip Collins.”

  “Not Clarence?”

  “Nope.”

  But I’m kind of getting it at this point, and I start to cry, and the other kids start laughing. Fucking kids. You won’t be laughing when a firecracker goes off in your underpants, Danny Boyle.

  Woah. Wait, where was I?

  Right. Earth Fragment Five.

  We’re about to meet Commander Clarence Collins. How fucking cool is that? Commander! And Alternate P
ete over here reports to him? I knew somewhere in the infinite possibilities Pete had to report to Chip! I’m stoked.

  So anyway, they walk us out of the transport hangar, right to a big black bus. There’s a crowd behind some barricades off about fifty feet, somehow these people must know about us coming. But before Tesla can step onto the bus, this little girl breaks through the barricade, runs up and hugs his leg.

  “Ahh. What’s your name, little one?”

  “Nikki. My mommy named me after you. She told me you made my home safe to live in.”

  Julie, I swear to God, I don’t know how Tesla holds it together – tears start bursting out of my eyes. I’m such a sap. I mean, c’mon, Tesla literally saved all these lives. Every single person I see around me. But he just bends down, smiles, pats her on the head, and sends her off.

  “There you go. Back to your mommy.”

  So of course I can’t help myself. As I hop on the bus, I turn to the crowd and shout “Hey! Anyone name their kid Chip?” And yeah, there’s some cheering and shit, but no Chips. Oh well.

  On the bus, Pete’s still thinking about the name thing. “Clarence? Dude!”

  “Yeah. Just never use it. Sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  “No, I love it. Now when I get pissed at you I can be all ‘Clarence… Clarence Chip Collins…’”

  “Great. When are you not pissed at me?”

  He grins. “It happens.”

  From: Chip Collins

  To: Julie Taylor

  Date: June 4, 2015 5:43am

  Re: Earth Fragment Five

  Hi Julie,

  He’s perfect.

  Don’t get me wrong – I don’t swing like that for my alternates. But imagine meeting yourself – and he’s like the perfect version of you. In great shape, a glint in his eye, a scar across his left cheek, badass uniform with badges and guns all over the place. And a crew cut. That’s what Commander Clarence Collins looks like. G. I. Perfect Joe.

  The only bad thing? It reminds me what a total slug I am.

  Whatever. I walk up to him, and we smile that smile, like meeting your long-lost twin, and shake hands. “Commander! Dude! Can I call you Chip?”

  His smile fades. “Actually, I dropped the Chip way back in elementary school.”

  “But you still put a firecracker in Danny Boyle’s underpants, right?”

  “Who’s Danny Boyle?”

  Uh oh. Shit’s different. But he’s cool. I mean he’s me, right? “So, uh, what should I call you?”

  “Commander.”

  Wow. Kind of dickish. Strike one. But I let it slide. “Okay, Commander. So, can I ask? Julie? You know, Julie?”

  “We’re aware of Ms. Taylor from your journal entries with Mr. Tesla. But no Julie Taylor matching the specs on any Earth Fragment. Sorry. Good luck with that.”

  Strike two. This guy’s got a fucking attitude. “Uh, hey. You can cut with the tough guy dick approach, dude. It’s ME. Chip. We’re alternates.”

  “Really? Well you can cut the slacker ‘dude’ approach, Chip. We’ve got work to do.”

  WTF? Could this possibly be a version of me? What happened, did Mom not hug him enough or something? So I go to give him a hug. And he backs up and gets in his about-to-kick-my-ass stance, and he’s like “Woah. Do we have a problem?”

  Huh. Not such a perfect version of me after all.

  On our way to the briefing room, Pete can’t help himself. He leans over and whispers “Dude. My alternate might report to yours, but yours is a dick.”

  “I know, right? I think Mom must have left him out in the rain or something.”

  “Yeah. He needs a few leg humps from Bobo.”

  Alternate Pete hears us talking and walks over. “Guys. You should cut Clarence some slack. He’s actually a great guy. And he’s got a lot on his plate. You know, with this whole Montrose thing.”

  “Who?”

  “Yup.”

  “No, I said who. Who’s Montrose?”

  “Yup.”

  “Yup what?”

  “Yup Who is Montrose.”

  “Now you’re just repeating my question.”

  “WHO is Montrose.”

  Wait a second… I’m not getting stuck in the damn WHO loop again! “WHO is Montrose. Got it. I’m guessing that means Montrose is an alternate of WHO. But how do you guys know about all this? With WHO?”

  “I’ll let the Commander explain when we get to the briefing room.”

  Official Explanation of

  What The Fuck is Going On

  By Commander Clarence Collins

  (Kind of a Dick, But We’re Told He’s a Great Guy)

  1. The journal. They used Tesla’s journal not only to devise the antimatter collector and save the world by 1984, but continued to use it to follow our Tesla’s journeys through parallel dimensions.

  2. The ITA. Even though the Earth was shattered to pieces, the portal never moved. Once it was formed it occupied a fixed position in space. They logged its location, occasionally using the ITA for limited exploration for resources in other dimensions.

  3. WHO. Once Tesla started writing to Chip about WHO and the prison, they’ve been tracking us, and waited for the opportune moment to save us from the clutches of WHO. (Clutches – God, I love that word.)

  4. Montrose. WHO is human. He gave himself a name that can’t be pronounced, like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince or some shit. Anyway, the folks on this dimension found his alternate! And his name here? Bill Montrose. Yawn. Not very intimidating, Bill.

  5. The plan. They’re planning to use us, Tesla, and Bill Montrose (yawn) to battle WHO and once again save their world (and the rest of the multiverse in the process). How the fuck we’re going to do that is anybody’s guess.

  Meg is skeptical (what else is new): “But isn’t this Montrose person a killer then? If he’s the alternate of WHO?”

  Alternate Pete fields the question. “You’d think. But what we’ve found is that, like the events in any particular dimension, people’s personalities can be wildly different. One person can be kind, and their alternate can be cruel. So sure, WHO’s a killer, but Montrose? Take a look for yourself.”

  He presses a button on the wall, and a big panel pulls back. From the shadows walks in a tall, hooded figure.

  “WHO!”

  Pete quickly stands in front of Meg, protecting her.

  Tesla quickly stands in front of the Bobos, protecting them.

  I quickly run for the door. (Hey, I don’t want to lose the other foot!)

  Alternate Pete grabs my arm as I attempt my escape, smiles, and turns me around. And the figure pulls back his hood with a gentle laugh. “Ho, ho. Don’t worry, folks. I’m with the good guys.”

  Holy shit. It’s Santa all over again.

  And this time it’s not evil manipulative Santa! It’s gentle, kind, benevolent Santa. “Santa?”

  He laughs again. “No, afraid not. But I do have a gift for you. Commander, would you mind handing me that plant?”

  I’m thinking dying plant? Gee thanks, dude. Nice Christmas gift. Not. But then Montrose holds up the plant and smiles at it.

  The plant perks up instantly.

  We’re all entranced. It’s that same whammy thing WHO did to me. This Montrose guy’s got the same power over us. And obviously this plant.

  “It’s subtle. Plants react best to it.”

  The Commander takes the plant back and sets it down. “Okay, folks, so here’s the quick: this person you’re calling WHO, we believe he has the same power as Montrose here, but it manifests negatively, leading to death instead of life. We also believe he’s devised an antimatter collector and amplifier from the schematics in your journal, Mr. Tesla, and is using it to amplify his ability. Once inside any universe, he can create a chain reaction, causing a total universe collapse.”

  Tesla can’t contain himself. “The pages he ripped out of my journal! That mangy cur! I shall rip his still-beating heart from his chest and throw it to the dogs!”
>
  I’m impressed. “Woah, Nikola! Didn’t think you had it in you!”

  “I apologize.” He takes a deep breath. “Violence is never the solution. But he must be stopped.”

  The Commander puts both fists on the table. “Yes. Now enough talk. Let’s get to work.”

  26

  Five Minutes

  Without

  Shit Exploding

  From: Chip Collins

  To: Julie Taylor

  Date: June 4, 2015 5:43am

  Five minutes without shit exploding

  Hi Julie,

  Wow. It feels good to go five minutes without shit exploding, or running for your life, or having that weird feeling of being hungry and tired even though it’s impossible to be hungry or tired in the ITA because time stands still.