by Len Webster
“Last night was great. It was good to see you,” Valarie said as she stood by the door.
“You too, Val.”
“It was weird, wasn’t it? I mean, we should have had dinner before we went straight to the sex, right?” Valarie asked as she stared at the floor, reminding him of when she was an uncertain teenager. “Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great. Better than I remember. Actually better than anything I’ve had in a long time. But we should have probably caught up properly before we leaped into things. I guess all the emotions from when we were dating just came back, and well, you—”
The sound of a tin falling stopped Valerie from continuing, and they both looked at the direction of the sound.
“Crap!” Clara cursed as she wiped up the spilt baked beans off the bench. He was sure he saw a tear in her eye, but she turned too quickly for the sink for him to be sure.
“Dinner next week?” Valerie asked, but Noel kept his eyes on Clara’s back.
“Noel?”
“Yeah, next week. I’ll call you,” he quickly said as he turned his attention back on Valerie. Her electric blue eyes were off. They should be brown, with golden flakes like…
Clara’s.
The air in his lungs fled; he shouldn’t have slept with Valerie, not when his heart was set on a pair of warm and unbelievably confusing brown eyes. Those eyes now held a form of pain and sadness he had never seen before. Valerie smiled as he opened the door for her. Before she left, she turned and her lips were on his. Her kiss too hard, it was almost painful.
When her lips left his, he mustered a smile and closed the front door, wondering if her kiss felt that way last night. He stood there for a moment. He had to summon the courage to face what he did. When he turned, he watched as Clara put two slices of bread into the toaster. He walked slowly towards her as she checked the eggs and put the bacon on another pan.
“I hope you don’t mind white bread. I haven’t been to the grocers to get the wholemeal stuff,” she said as she turned around and faced him. Those eyes pierced deep into him; the hurt in them was heartbreaking. He couldn’t summon the courage. Those eyes were disarming.
“That’s fine,” he said in a small, cowardly voice. He walked over to the kitchen and sat on a bar stool, watching her. Minutes passed with Clara not saying a word.
“Here you go,” she finally said to him as she placed a plate of English breakfast in front of him.
“Thank you… Clara, about last night,” he started to say, but she didn’t look at him, not even a glance.
“Don’t,” she whispered.
“Clara, please…” he begged as the sound of beeps filled the apartment. He watched her face rise up and she walked towards her laptop on the small desk in the lounge. He looked over to see her answer a Skype call from Alex. A big square image of his best friend's face took up the screen of Clara’s MacBook Pro. She picked up the laptop and sat on the couch with it.
“Kiddo!” he greeted with a big smile.
"Hey, Alex."
“Are you okay? Your eyes are red.” Alex’s smile faded and concern replaced it.
“I’m fine. I think I’m allergic to the flowers in the gardens. I went there this morning, and my eyes started to water,” she said.
“Well, be careful. Remember your allergies when you touched Mrs. Folton's cat. Make sure you go get some allergy medicine today. So…”
“So what?” she asked. Alex frowned and squinted at her.
“How was your birthday?”
Birthday? Oh…
“Fuck!” Noel muttered out loud, his hands forming tight fists.
Her birthday.
“Nolan Parker, don’t you dare swear in front of my little sister! Get your ass over here!” Alex mocked. Sighing, Noel got off the bar stool and walked around the cream couch, sitting next to Clara, her eyes staring at her laptop screen.
“So, how was the dinner?” Alex asked curiously.
“It was good. Thank you for the birthday cake. We both loved it. But like I said, don’t do the whole let the staff sing my sister happy birthday thing, again. I hated it!” Clara answered convincingly. He remembered last night. He heard the sounds of faint singing, the guilt in him building.
“Why wasn’t my credit card charged? I told you to charge it on my tab, Noel.” Alex’s eyes pierced through Noel’s chest, and he knew he would have to explain.
“I… uhh,” Noel mumbled. He knew Clara wouldn’t save him with an answer.
“As if we’d make you pay for our dinner. Don’t be ridiculous!” Clara said, turning her face and smiling at Noel.
“Then why was your credit card charged, Clara?” He watched as Alex’s eyebrows bunched together. Noel had no doubts that Alex kept his eye on Clara’s finances.
She paid for her own birthday dinner. I didn’t even tell her about Alex’s tab. I’m a bastard.
“If Noel pays, doesn't that make it a date?” Clara raised an eyebrow at her brother.
“Oh, you’re right! No dating for you. Ever! Anyways, I better go. It’s getting late, and I have a few things to do with this account,” Alex said as he brought what look like account sheets to the camera.
“Happy Birthday, Clara. I love you.”
“Thank you. I love you, too, Alex,” she replied wholeheartedly.
“Noel, don’t expect an ‘I love you.’ You’re my best mate and all, but I don’t feel that way about you. Thanks for taking Clara to Pa La Blue last night. You really had my back. Glad to see you both aren’t killing each other. Bye!” Alex waved at the screen and smiled before Clara hung up the call. She closed the laptop and placed it on the coffee table. She got up from the couch and headed for her bedroom.
That entire conversation was a lie. She lied to save my ass from Alex.
“Clara, I’m sorry!” he yelled after her. Clara stopped in her tracks before turning and facing him. The hurt still laced in her eyes.
She sighed heavily, her eyes searching his. “What for?”
“For last night; it was your birthday, and I didn’t even remember. I completely fucked up!” She gave him a slight smile that he didn’t get.
“Don’t be. I understand.”
“I don’t follow, Clara,” he said disoriented by her response.
“It’s Valerie, Noel. I’m not blind. I know who she is. What she is to you.” She breathed out as she closed her eyes tightly.
She means nothing to me, Clara. I just… relapsed.
“She’s the one that got away. She’s your high school sweetheart. I get it.” She smiled and turned for her bedroom. She couldn’t leave yet; he wasn't finished explaining.
“Clara, wait! It’s not like that. I’m… I’m sorry I disappointed you!” She turned around and walked towards him, stopping only centimetres from his face.
“Disappointed me?” she said in disbelief, and Noel nodded.
“You have no idea what it’s like to be a disappointment! To have your parents think so little of you, to have your brother provide for you, and to let your boyfriend lose so much interest in you he screws another girl in front of you! I know what disappointment feels like! I’ve been one my entire life. So, why would you disappoint me, Nolan? We’re friends, if that. So no, you didn’t disappoint me. You just didn’t live up to my expectations!” Her natural composure broke and she raised her voice at him; the hurt in her voice strained her.
“Clara, I’m sorry, please,” he tried again.
“You’re sorry? Sorry is just a word for you. It means nothing to me when you say it!” she said, the pain in her words very clear, breaking his heart.
“I’m going to bed. If you decide to have sex with Valerie in my apartment again, tone that shit down, okay? You were so loud that I slept in the garden outside. Oh and thank you for letting me almost walk home. I appreciated that one, too, you asshole!” The bitterness in her words caused an aching sensation in his chest. She wasn’t wrong. He did do all those things.
“You walked home? And slept in the ga
rden?” he breathed out. He never thought about how she would get home last night. Noel just sent her away and drove her car from the restaurant to her apartment, Valerie meeting him in the apartment parking garage. The moment he saw Valerie again, Noel knew that she was his out. Clara was getting too close and he was wanting more than he should.
“Almost!” she raised her voice once again. “I had a neighbour take me home. I couldn’t drive home because you had the keys and you wanted me gone. And yes, I slept in the garden while you screwed Valerie’s brains out. So, do me a favour and just leave me the hell alone!” Noel watched as she turned around, opened the door, and slammed it shut.
He screwed up. Everything he worked so hard to achieve with her was thrown out the window because he laid eyes on Valerie. He was angry with himself for doing that to Clara. The hurt in her eyes was evident and it completely broke him. He imagined her having to listen to him having sex with Valerie, and the idea disgusted him.
How could I do that to her?
Four days had passed since he slept with Valerie. He tried to forget, but Valerie’s text messages about dinner weren’t helping. Clara still hadn’t spoken to him since that morning. She never smiled in those four days, and that broke him.
As he sat at the dinner table, he wondered where it all went wrong. The day on the diving platform was perfect, but his selfishness was the reason he lost it all with her. He tried so hard to stay away that he ended up pushing himself out of her life. He watched as Clara placed his plate in front of him.
“Thank you,” he said, knowing full well she wouldn’t reply to him. Grabbing the fork, he picked at his peas.
“You’re welcome,” she said softly. His eyes darted towards her; Clara’s still held the hurt, but her small smile and a response gave him hope.
They both ate their steak dinner in silence; as often as he looked over at her, she didn’t spare him a glance. He didn’t deserved one. Once they finished their steaks, Clara stood up and started clearing their plates. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to just lay it out there. They had to talk. Her silence was killing him.
“Sit down, Clara,” he instructed, his eyes meetings hers. She looked a little surprised, but she composed herself quickly. She glared at him as if she were plotting his death.
“No,” she stated simply, and collected his knife and fork.
“Clara, sit down. We are talking about this.” He took the utensils out of her hands.
“You are not my brother, Noel. You don’t tell me what to do.”
“Sit down, Clara, please.”
“I said no!” Clara yelled. She turned from the table and stormed for her room.
I’m not letting you get away that easily.
Noel chased her. Took hold of her wrist and spun her around to face him. He looked into her eyes, and the betrayal was there. The pain in his heart started to become intolerable, the clenching making it hard for him to breathe. He couldn’t last one more day without her smile or her laugh.
“Be honest with me, Clara,” he begged.
She stilled and he watched her breathe heavily. She closed her eyes for a second and then opened them to stare into his. Behind those brown eyes hid all the anger, hurt, and disappointment; he would take it all.
“You want me to be honest? Fine! At the moment, I absolutely hate your guts right now! You left me on my birthday for your ex-girlfriend. You humiliated me in front of everyone at Pa La Blue. I had to listen to you have sex with another woman in my apartment! You have no idea how much that hurts me, Noel. What you did was… was worse than Darren!” Her words were like a violent squeeze of his heart. Noel didn’t want her to ever compare him to that bastard.
“How the fuck am I anything like him, Clara? We aren’t together!” He let his anger get the better of him.
“Because! You promised me you would never hurt me like he did. And you did! I trusted you. I opened up to you. I let you in, and that was my mistake, but you begged to get to know me. I told you everything there was and that meant nothing to you! I know we aren’t together, but you disrespected me, Noel.
“You took another woman back to my apartment on my birthday! A thin wall separates our rooms. If you had been honest and respected my feelings and said, ‘I want to sleep with Valerie,’ then I would have been a pal and said sure… but you didn’t! You didn’t give a flying fuck about me or even my feelings! So yes, what you did was worse than Darren, because I trusted you; you were my friend, and you didn’t even care about me!”
He watched as the tears ran down her face, wanting nothing more than to wipe them away. He wanted to be different for her but his selfish mistakes proved that he was just like Darren.
God, why did I do it? Why did I have to hurt her?
“I was having the best birthday with you, and then you told me to go, to leave and that hurt me. You didn’t even respect me as a friend let alone as a human being. You should have—”
He wanted her to stop, take the pain of her hurt eyes away. There was only one way he could possibly stop her. He placed his hands on the sides of his face as she was in mid-sentence, and he didn’t hold back. He had to do this; it was time to lay it on the line.
He was going to do the one thing he had been craving. Her lips had been a temptation since the moment he saw her. It was time. If he was only going to get this one moment, then he would take it. He looked into her conflicted eyes before he pressed his lips on hers.
Clara’s lips were like heaven against his, soft and heartstopping. When his lips hit hers, she fought back, breaking their kiss. He opened his eyes to see Clara staring at his lips. He was about to apologise for being so abrupt and forceful when suddenly Clara’s mouth found his. The feeling of her lips, unbelievably soft and tender, was too addictive to ever release. As they kissed he knew how right it all was; the feeling of his lip on hers was perfect.
Having Clara kiss him back was something he never thought would happen. There was nothing more perfect than this one moment. Noel heard a soft, approving moan escape her, and his insides stirred at the sound she made. Each movement of her lips and her breath fanning over his made him groan. He backed them into her bedroom door and continued. He never wanted to forget the taste of her lips. The sweetest pair he had ever tasted. Her hands moved under his shirt and onto his naked back, running her fingers along him. Small jolts of pleasure escaped his mouth at the touch of her fingertips. But then she froze.
“No,” she said against his lips. Noel opened his eyes, seeing the fear flickering in hers.
No, no, no! Don’t say no!
“What am I doing?” she uttered in disbelief. She pushed him off her. Clara shook her head as she tried to control her heavy breathing.
The feeling of her pulse on his fingertips left him. Instead of opening the door behind her like he expected, he watched as she made her way to the front door, picked up her keys, and exited the apartment. She didn’t look back at him, and his legs couldn’t find the will to move after her. He stood there thinking the exact same thing. He promised himself he’d let her talk, but he didn’t; the need to kiss her overtook his body and he acted on instinct and desire. He stared at the front door.
“I just kissed my best friend’s little sister.”
Stevie: You haven’t answered your phone in days! WHERE ARE YOU?!
Annie: Clara, please reply. Tell me you’re okay. Stevie is going mental.
Jarred: Clara, please tell me you’re okay. No one has heard from you. We’re worried. Text me!
Clara scrolled through her messages, all of them so similar. Not that she cared to answer. Ever since her birthday, she’d been off the radar. But as much as she tried to avoid the one message in her inbox, she couldn’t take her eyes off of it.
Elizabeth: We need to talk. Please stop avoiding me, Clara. Just hear me out!
“Vodka cranberry,” the bartender said as he placed the glass in front of her. Clara nodded at the bartender, acknowledging her thanks. She looked at the red liquid in front
of her, a few cranberries submerged in the ice and a lime floating to the surface. Clara swirled her drink as she continued to stare at Elizabeth’s message.
What could she possibly want?
Clara didn’t need this; she had enough to deal with, and Noel was practically driving her insane. Elizabeth was the last person she wanted to deal with. Swiping at the message, she pressed delete. There was no need to communicate with Elizabeth. Clara looked up and scanned the pub she found herself in. It wasn’t particularly nice. It was a total dump. But it was the first place she found herself walking into on a Tuesday night. Looking around, she wondered why she was even in such a place.
That kiss!
Noel kissed her. He really kissed her. Not that it was a horrible kiss. Unfortunately for her, it was the best kiss she had ever had in her life. It had desperation, desire, want, and need all rolled into one. What upset her was that she kissed him back, inviting it to continue to the point where she moaned out in pleasure. When Noel backed them into the door, she wanted more, and there was no denying that. She was falling into that kiss and it took everything in her to relinquish him from her body and her lips. What killed her more than stopping their kiss was the look in his eyes.
The sorrow in Noel’s gaze was heartbreaking, and she almost fell at his knees wanting to forgive him. She’d show nothing if she forgave him. She’d be that weak version of herself, the one everyone knew her to be and pitied.
Clara looked at the small cranberries and lime at the bottom of her glass. She drank her entire drink in her state of self-pity. She had never been good at alcohol, but now it looked like she was becoming a pro at it. Maybe alcohol was her pain relief, a way to numb all the hurt inflicted on her.
“This seat taken?” Clara turned to see a tall man with dark brown eyes pointing at the bar stool next to her. He looked like he was in his early twenties. Clara shook her head as the stranger sat next to her, returning to her drink.
