by Ed Diener
By the end of the week, panic has given way to a kind of acceptance. You set your mind to thinking about all the exciting possibilities of being in charge of the world. You are free to do whatever you wish. At first, a world without other people seems pretty good. There is no traffic, no lines at movie theaters or grocery stores, no expensive tickets to go skiing, and no one to stop you from exploring Bill Gates's house. Delicious food appears when you enter restaurants. The possibilities are endless.
You spend days exploring museums, private mansions, and skyscraper penthouses. You visit the homes of famous people and look through their diaries and drawers. You drink their extravagantly expensive wines and wear their jewelry. You drive across the country in the car of your choosing, going as fast as you please. You take a whole month to walk through all the most famous art galleries in the country. You take the pictures you like best home with you. You sleep in the White House and put your feet up on the desk in the Oval Office. You give a speech at the United Nations and drop a watermelon off the top of the Empire State Building. You explore the secret underground bunkers at military installations and take a tour through Area 51 to see if there are really any alien bodies kept there (perhaps a Demonian?). You go camping in all the national parks without having to fight crowds, and you wander the back lots of the major movie studios.
Because the Demonians have made provisions to keep you from all harm, you are free to engage in the thrill-seeking, risky activities about which you have always dreamed. You bungee jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, and scuba dive off the coast of Florida. You wander through the jungles of Central America completely unafraid of the snakes, spiders, and wild cats. You drive a motorcycle through the halls of your old high school and speed a race car down Main Street. You do a hysterical imitation of the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall, in full costume. Perhaps best of all, there are no annoying cell phones ringing in public places!
One year later, you are lonely beyond belief, and bored out of your mind. You own the world and have lived a dream life, with no restrictions, but you have had no one with whom to share it. There is no one to tell about what you read in the government files, or with whom to visit the ruins outside Mexico City. There is no one with whom to enjoy a drink, a sunset, or sex. There is no current news on the television or radio, no new movies are being made, and no new books are being written. There is not even anyone to compete with, or anyone to challenge you. Each day you wake up dreading the isolation. You talk to God and to the Demonians, but neither of them answers you. You try to domesticate some animals, but they all avoid you. The new challenges you set for yourself, such as learning to play the piano, seem hollow and worthless. Your lifelong dream of learning French is useless. There is nobody left in the world who cares what happens to you, and no one left to care about. The loneliness is crushing, like permanent solitary confinement. You drink a lot of alcohol and try stronger drugs you find in people's homes.
Why is it that such a scenario - one with so much adventure, wealth, creativity, and freedom - could ultimately end up so horribly? Why would a world without other people be a hell on Earth? If it's true that other folks can be annoying - you know, writing irritating letters to the editor and cutting us off in traffic - wouldn't it make sense that the world would be a rosier place without them? Even allowing for people who irritate us, we all understand that, deep down, life is only meaningful if we have people who care about us, people we can show affection to, and folks with whom to share experiences. Perhaps even people who annoy us actually add to the interest life has. Upon reflection, common sense tells us that social relationships are vital to fulfillment. But, as seemingly obvious as this position is, does research support this?
Science, Happiness, and Relationships
Relationships are themselves a crucial part of psychological wealth without which you cannot be truly rich. Simply put, we need others to flourish. Indeed, the results of research on social relationships and happiness are clear on this point: healthy social contact is essential for happiness. Family relationships and close friendships are important to happiness. Many studies show that happy people are also more blessed with good families, friends, and supportive relationships than are people with low life satisfaction.
In fact, the links between happiness and social contact are so strong that many psychologists think that humans are genetically wired to need one another. Humans have a long period of development - from infancy through puberty - during which we depend strongly upon others. Even as adults we function much better when we are embedded in social networks that offer cooperation, support, and enjoyment. The social psychologist Ellen Berscheid writes that the most important factor in the survival of Homo sapiens is our social nature, our ability to love one another and work together. Being social is as essential to our survival as our other amazing assets, such as our powerful brains and nimble fingers with opposable thumbs.
The research findings affirm the relation between happiness and being social. But as with all correlational studies, it makes sense to wonder which way the causal arrow points. Does being happy win people more friends? Or does having more friends lead to increased happiness? It turns out that happiness leads to better social relationships. For example, people who have high life satisfaction before marriage are more likely than others to get married, to stay married, and to be happy with their marriages. However, relationships also seem to make people happy.
People's life satisfaction spikes when they get married. On the other hand, research shows that when a spouse dies, widows exhibit a steep decline in life satisfaction, and only slowly recover. In fact, the death of a spouse can be such a serious hit to happiness that it takes, on average, about five to seven years for life satisfaction to return close to the level it was when the spouse was still alive. When people are separated from those they love for a prolonged period of time, they often show signs of "withdrawal," including sadness and homesickness.
You don't need to look any further than the proliferation of cell phones to understand that people like one another a lot. These days, folks can hardly seem to go to the movie theater, grocery store, or the park without checking in with their friends and family. In fact, humans have the ability to connect with one another as never before. Even in the absence of a clear business purpose, people love talking to one another using cell phones, text messaging, Instant Messenger, chat rooms, email, VOIP phones, and Skype, and through social connection websites such as MySpace and Facebook. When you eavesdrop on those cell phone conversations, you realize that the parties often don't really have a concrete need to be talking. You frequently hear questions like "What are you doing right now?" "Where are you?" and "Where are we going to meet?" Basically, people are "connecting."
We don't just need relationships: we need close ones. What are "close relationships"? Of course, just being in frequent contact is one type of intense relationship, but not necessarily one that will produce happiness. The close relationships that produce the most happiness are those characterized by mutual understanding, caring, and validation of the other person as worthwhile. People feel secure in these types of relationships, and are often able to share intimate aspects of themselves with the other. Importantly, they can count on the other person for help if they need it. Although acquaintances and casual friends can be fun, it is the supportive close relationships that are essential to happiness.
Research indicates that social contact influences happiness and health. We know that - on average - people are happier when they are with others compared to the times when they are alone. In one study, for example, we collected mood data from people using the experience sampling method (ESM). Throughout the day, we signaled the research participants with random alarms, after which they would complete a short mood survey and indicate the type of situation they were in: Were they alone, or with other people? Initially, we suspected that introverts would be happier when they were alone and that extroverts would be happier when they were in a social setting. I
n table 4.1, we show the average intensity of positive feelings of the research participants, which could range from zero (no positive feelings at all) to six (extremely intense positive feelings). The numbers indicate how positive on average introverts and extroverts felt when alone versus with others.
As you can see, people generally felt mild positive moods. Even more interesting, and flying in the face of our prediction, both extroverts and introverts had more positive emotions when they were with other people. That's right: even introverts who have the reputation for being social wallflowers enjoyed themselves more when they were in social settings. Although it's true that extroverts spent a bit more time with other people, both groups showed more pleasant moods when they were engaged in social contact. Indeed, the introverts get as much boost from being with people as did extroverts. The Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman found results parallel to ours. Studying a thousand women, he found that the least happy time of the day was alone (commuting to work), and the happiest times were with others (with family and friends, and having sex). It's certainly not true that we would like to surround ourselves with other people all the time, but when we do, we tend to feel good.
What about the opposite causal direction, the possibility that being happy wins a person more friends? Research findings show that being happy makes a person more sociable, more pleasant, and more rewarding to be around. In one study, psychologists used mood inducers, such as short film clips, to put research participants into a good mood, a neutral mood, or a sad mood. People who were in a good mood expressed greater interest in social activities, helping others, and participating in strenuous activities compared to those in the other two groups. What's more, the happy subjects expected social situations to feel more rewarding, and felt that they had more energy to spend on the encounters. In another study, researchers found that when college men were induced into a positive mood, they made more intimate self-disclosures to a woman with whom they were interacting. Being in a good mood makes people more extroverted.
Other research has supported the notion that happiness leads to social benefits. For instance, psychologists conducted a study in which they examined the yearbook photos of 21-year-old women who attended Mills College during the late 1950s. The researchers were interested in how having a positive attitude might affect the young women later in life. To this end, they assessed the degree to which the women's yearbook photos displayed a "Duchenne smile," a true smile in which the smiling mouth is accompanied by wrinkle lines radiating out from the corners of the eyes. Interestingly, the women with the authentic smiles were more likely to be married in middle age, and more likely to have better marriages, than their classmates with no smiles or artificial smiles. Positivity, even the small amount captured by the flash of a camera, appears to pay off socially and directly improve psychological wealth.
Most of us are drawn to happy individuals much more than we are attracted to unhappy people. You probably have experience with this in your own life. The happy people you know are likely to be fun, optimistic, enthusiastic, and enjoyable to be around. Their positive attitude might even lift your spirits a bit. On the other hand, depressed people tend to be lethargic or apathetic, and can seem to drain your energy. Many unhappy people complain a lot. In laboratory studies, researchers have arranged for people to chat with strangers. The research participants are assigned to meet a stranger and have a short conversation. Their partner is assigned at random, and sometimes it is a person who scores highly on measures of happiness, and sometimes someone who does not. After the conversation is over, the researchers ask both people to rate their partner. As you might expect, people consistently rate the happy folks as more likable, and are more likely to want to have a follow-up conversation with him or her. In short, happy people tend to be more likable and popular.
Why Relationships Matter
We have made the case - and we hope a compelling one - that relationships matter to happiness and are a key part of psychological wealth. But why should they matter? Why are they so crucial to our daily existence? Given the prevalence of violence, divorce, and other social ills in the world, doesn't it sometimes seem like other people are more trouble than they are worth? Isn't it other folks who irritate us, scare us, make us jealous, and otherwise cause us grief? And aren't families riddled with conflict? What exactly does social contact do for us that tips the scales toward relationships having such a positive impact on us?
First and foremost, other people allow us to love and to be loved. They help us feel secure and cared for; they value us and will step up to the plate for us if we need help. At the same time, loving other people gives us an opportunity to grow and enlarge ourselves. Further, when we take pride in the accomplishments of others, and they take pride in ours, we then share a deep bond.
Relationships matter to our emotional well-being and psychological wealth because our close associates directly help us in a variety of ways. We blossom from children into adults only through the encouragement, support, and mentorship of parents, teachers, coaches, and other influential people. We are able to face tough times largely through the emotional support and compassion of our loved ones. We are able to move from apartment to apartment because we have friends who are willing to help us lug furniture across town.
Other people don't actually have to do anything for us to benefit. The knowledge that there are police officers, air traffic controllers, and firefighters makes life a little more comfortable because such people free up our psychological resources to focus on other concerns. In fact, the mere presence of others can be soothing to us. A variety of studies have found that when people experience a trauma, such as a car accident, they generally fare better if they endured the hardship in the company of others. In the end, people provide us with a psychological (and sometimes physical) safety net that makes life easier to live.
There are many other terrific things about other people. First, there is the wonderful diversity of people. We are not necessarily just talking about ethnic, national, or linguistic differences here, although those can be fascinating and compelling. We mean that people are extraordinarily diverse in their knowledge and ideas. Your friends, colleagues, and family members probably have interesting hobbies, unique areas of expertise, unusual skills, and novel thoughts, and will sometimes surprise you with their actions. Other people can plot the stars' movement through the sky, write Anna Karenina, and make us laugh with a witty comeback. This diversity of influences has a profound and beneficial effect on us.
Other people's ideas can challenge us, help us to form our own opinions and ideas, entertain us, and provide the basis for innovation and creativity. Consider how much time you spend absorbing the ideas of others. Every time you watch a film or television show, attend a dance performance or play, see a painting, admire architecture, read a book, shake your head at the letters to the editor, look at photographs in a magazine, listen to talk radio, enjoy music on your iPod, or argue with a friend, you are benefiting from the fact that other folks don't think and know exactly what you think and know. Diverse groups also allow people to specialize. Only by living together in communities can some people become effective farmers while others become experts in medicine. Society as a whole, then, benefits from this diverse pool of skills, knowledge, and creativity.
Another reason we profit from others is that the groups to which we belong help to define who we are and give us a sense of identity. They help us to become something larger than ourselves, and help us define who we are in a large universe. Without other people, we are a speck in the universe. With the people in our nation, religion, political party, and other organizations, we are something larger and more significant.
Finally, people are just good plain fun. Humor and joking, for instance, are the products of social interaction. Have you ever noticed that you can tickle other people but not yourself? The idea of a "party," whether it is a school potluck or drinks on Friday night, is predicated on the idea of getting together in groups. Most f
olks report that they would rather engage in an activity - whether it is visiting a museum or going out to eat - with other people. Sharing experiences increases our enjoyment of most activities, and many activities, such as most sports, can only be conducted in groups. Sex and emotional intimacy is another arena that is both inherently social and integral to our psychological health. Other people can bring out the best, most playful side in all of us.
Marriage
Although it is clear that social relationships and happiness are important to one another, it is worth considering several specific types of relationships. There are, of course, many types of relationships, including those between parents and children, or supervisors and employees. You have social relationships with colleagues, neighbors, and enemies. Each of these has a different character, and it makes sense that each could have a different bearing on your happiness. Among the most institutionalized, traditional, and universal relationships is marriage. Every culture on the planet has some form of special union between adults: polygamous marriages in rural Kenya, gay marriages in the Netherlands, arranged marriages in India, and love marriages between a single man and woman. But, in a modern social climate where, at least in the case of many industrialized countries such as the United States, about half the marriages end in divorce, it makes sense to wonder whether marriages add to or detract from happiness. There have been theorists who argue that monogamy is unnatural, and others who tout the commitment of marriage as a moral imperative. What does the research say about the happiness of married folks?
