by Ed Diener
Research shows that married people are on the whole relatively happy. This is something we would expect, given the preponderance of happiness in the world. But the real question is: Are married couples any happier than other folks? Some highly publicized research shows that married people are, indeed, happier than their single counterparts. However, this overlooks the fact that happy people are more likely to get married in the first place. Thus, it could be that marital bliss is less the product of a perfect union and more the result of two people who were pretty happy to begin with. Richard Lucas, a researcher from Michigan State University, examined life satisfaction data from tens of thousands of people across many years of their lives. He found that married people are about as happy as they were before they were married. We have shown his findings in figure 4.1. That is, with the exception of a brief spike in happiness around the time of the wedding itself, marriage - at least in the Germans he studied - didn't seem to make an enormous difference in life satisfaction. How can this be, given that social relationships are so important, and that having a loving, trusting spouse can be so wonderful?
In part, the explanation lies in the fact that researchers usually deal with averages. For some people, marriage is a terrific emotional boon, whereas for others it is a weight that drags happiness down. Consider figure 4.2 below, showing the happiness of three people across the course of their lives. The average of the three (Person B) is roughly as happy as she was before she got married, once the wedding thrill wears off. However, individual C is less satisfied than before, and A is more satisfied. Indeed, Lucas found these three types of individuals. The data suggest an important lesson. Marriage is not, in itself, a guarantee of happiness. Rather, it appears that it matters a great deal whether or not your marriage is right for you. Some folks rush into marriage too young, others marry people they are not compatible with, and still others seem to luck onto their soul mate.
Figure 4.1 Marriage: one year prior
Figure 4.2 Marriage
It is important to note that although, on average, married people are happier than singles, this is not true of everyone. Whether one will benefit from marriage depends in part on one's personality and in part on the context of one's life. For example, nuns living in a convent don't need marriage to have close, intimate friends. The psychologist Bella DePaulo, in her book Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, makes the case that for many individuals the single state may be a happy one. Societies are structured so that deep friendship is often easier to find in marriage, but there are many forms that deep friendship and love can sometimes take. Because 40 percent of adults in the United States are single, divorced, or widowed, and because adults on average now spend more adult years single than married, it is important to know that these individuals can find close friends and a rewarding life; marriage is not the only road to happiness. However, the evidence to date suggests that cohabitating couples are not as happy as the married.
Love
One reason that we believe marriage should lead to happiness is that we associate love with happiness. George Vaillant, in his decades-long study of Harvard graduates, found that happiness is having lots of people whom you love, and who love you in return. Believing in the Golden Rule is not enough; you must experience love. Readers may have heard the old joke "I love humanity; it's people that I can't stand." The line pithily captures the divergence between the belief in love and experiencing it.
Although it would be nice to think that all marriages are built on a foundation of mutual respect and deep, heartfelt love, this is, unfortunately, not the case in reality. Love, so they say, can be a fickle friend. To understand why, it is important to look at love in terms of a timeline, spanning from those thrilling first moments when a couple lays their eyes on one another to the different kind of affection they feel in old age. For humans to meet, get to know one another, and agree to start families together, there has to be an incentive. Fortunately, nature equipped us with flirting and passion. Passion, or romantic love, is the headliner of all the types of love. It is "love at first sight" and infatuation. The love timeline begins with this intense rush of positive feeling that is characterized by enchantment with the other person. This getting-to-know-you phase is associated with the release of dopamine and adrenaline, and infatuated people often are desperate to be with the other person to feel on top of the world.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this stage of love does not last. People, as we will see in chapter 9, have an amazing ability to adapt to new circumstances, and even that glamorous new beau can turn old hat. After a few months or a year or two, at most, the fires of romantic love normally die down into embers. Naturally, for the legions of people indoctrinated in the idea of "true love," and exposed to Hollywood images of passion, this less intense period is often mistaken for "falling out of love." When Hollywood passion is mistakenly seen as "true love," we get the brief marriages that often characterize Hollywood, and individuals move from one relationship to the next in search of the high of continuing passion. A surprising number of breakups happen during this transition, which is unfortunate, because the next phase is, in many ways, even better.
Romantic love often gives way to a more companionate and complex relationship. If infatuation is about overlooking a partner's flaws and feeling good, companionate love is readiness to acknowledge and accept some flaws. When people graduate to this type of love, they tend to make sacrifices for one another. Partners with companionate love begin doing things for one another - not because it will make themselves feel better, but because they know their mates will feel better. Consider cleaning up after the dog as he goes through potty training. Nobody likes to do it, but couples in mature love perform such favors even if the other person won't know about it. Not only do people with this type of love become intimate companions who can fully trust one another, but they also experience what Erich Fromm called "being-love," obtaining pleasure from doing things for the other person.
It's true that passion comes and goes during companionate love, and that a spouse can sometimes feel like a friend instead of a lover. This is a sign that the relationship is growing rather than dying, as many people mistakenly believe. When one arrives at the point where it is pleasurable to do things for the other person, even if he or she doesn't realize what you have done, this type of mature love can be an enduring source of happiness. In compassionate love, we also enjoy trusting and sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the other person; this is true intimacy.
Yet another kind of affection merits mention here, especially because it has consequences for long-term happiness. "Deficiency-love," as Fromm called it, is based on the idea that we are attracted to people who satisfy our needs. If you are low in self-esteem, you will find attractive a person who gives you many compliments. If you get bored easily, you will be drawn to an entertaining, exciting person. This kind of attraction is not necessarily a bad thing, but does have some hidden dangers. Deficiency-love works only as long as your needs are stable. Unfortunately, for most of us, aging and maturing are usually accompanied by a reordering of personal values and a shifting of needs. As our needs change, we may find that we feel less attracted to our mates because they supply something we no longer need or desire, unless they change as we change.
The type of love you have in your relationships can be a major factor not only in your marital happiness, but also in your overall fulfillment. People's expectations and maturity have a profound impact on how well they can solve problems and communicate with one another. In fact, communication itself is a predictor of marital satisfaction. Negative interactions, such as hurtful arguments or yelling, can detract heavily from a marriage, even when equally balanced by positive interactions. In healthy marriages, we call the desirable number of positive to negative interactions the Gottman ratio, after the University of Washington researcher John Gottman. Years of studying couples led Gottman to his understanding o
f the best ratio: at least five to one in favor of the positive interactions. That is, in satisfying marriages the partners say at least five times as many positive things to each other as negative things, and often more. Compare this to other types of relationships in which the optimal ratio is different (see table 4.2).
Of course, the above ratios are tongue-in-cheek; there is no one exact ratio for each relationship. It will depend on how bad and good the remarks are, and the context and manner in which they are delivered. Telling someone you never loved them is obviously far worse than saying you don't care for the eggs they just cooked. It is important to consider whether negative remarks are framed as constructive criticism, for example, or whether they are hurled at a partner in an attempt to hurt him or her. The point of the table is simply that the ratio may differ across various roles. While we may verbalize more corrections to our children during their formative years, they rarely appreciate this as adults. Regardless of the exact ratio, the point we are making is this: You should become a person with a positive ratio in virtually all of your relationships with others. If you want to be liked and popular, have a positive ratio. This does not mean, of course, that you should fawn over folks you don't like or give compliments you don't believe. Rather, you should be authentic, but remember to mention all the good things others do.
Whether you are a coach, a boss, a spouse, a parent, or simply a friend, dishing out more positive than negative should be an ingrained habit. Of course, there are times when everyone needs to offer some criticism to others. Children, for instance, need advice and discipline to develop into moral and sensible people. But even in the context of discipline there should be an emphasis on the positive when the person is behaving well. You can influence the behavior of others, such as your children, with the positive feedback you give them for desirable behavior, and your occasional corrective comment becomes more powerful against the positive backdrop. If you give out a constant diet of negative comments to others, not only will they avoid and dislike you, but what you say will become less potent. It is also important to understand that love is not contingent - you love your children, for example, even when you are critical of their behavior. Thus, make it clear that you are criticizing their behavior, not them as persons.
Children
What about children? Does the pitter-patter of little feet around the house bring joy to families, or is parenting all about storm and stress? Again, the parent-child relationships are a place where research on happiness paints an interesting portrait. Most happiness studies have not shown children to be an important cause of happiness. Many people are shocked by this finding, and are reluctant to accept it. In fact, for most of us, the idea that our beloved children are not a source of measurable joy for us seems wrong. It is easy to call to mind the school plays, well-written papers, and soccer championships that caused us to beam with pride. But what about those emergency appendectomies, the latenight illnesses, the messes, and all that arguing with teenagers? If we are honest, we admit that there are some downsides to having kids, as well as the high moments.
How, then, are we to weigh the positives and negatives of having children against each other? How do we factor together the hassles of carpools and after-school lessons with the joys of reading a story at bedtime or hearing our kids tell us they love us? Just as we saw in the case of marital happiness, enjoying children is largely a matter of personal preference. Some folks consider having kids a foregone conclusion, and other people don't want the burden of children at all. For some couples, a newborn might stretch resources in an unhealthy way, while others enjoy sacrificing for the next generation. In terms of maximizing happiness, it becomes critical for people to understand their ability to benefit from children, and in turn benefit the children. People need to take stock of how much they enjoy children, how emotionally prepared they are for parenthood, and how ready they are to sacrifice personal freedoms. If you are an individual who loves talking and playing with children, parenthood may be for you. However, if you are not drawn to children and prefer them at a distance, don't become a parent! More and more couples are choosing to go childless, especially in European nations. We don't know yet how this will affect long-term happiness, but it must be for the better if people who don't want kids don't have them!
There may be sex differences, however, in the way children bear on our happiness. One recent study, conducted by researchers in Denmark, analyzed the happiness of thousands of pairs of twins over time. The researchers found that the birth of a first child made women happier, but not men. It may be that, for men, the primary source of happiness lies in the marital relationship rather than in kids, although children could have an effect to the extent that they keep relationships together. Of course, this may also be a social artifact anchored in traditional sex roles, and may change as norms around work and parenting evolve. And what of multiple children? As shocking as it sounds, additional children beyond the first actually lowered the happiness of parents! Again, these are averages and not descriptions of individuals. In the end, the amount and ways in which children will affect your own happiness is dependent in large part upon your values, resources, relationship, and specific life circumstances. People who don't have kids can find meaning and purpose in other areas, and contribute to future generations through activities other than child rearing. The research literature generally does not indicate that children significantly increase emotional life satisfaction on average, so individuals should choose carefully, with their own values and personalities in mind.
One trend you ought to know about as you embark on marriage is the age trend in marital satisfaction and the apparent adverse effects of teenagers. Researchers have found that marital satisfaction is very high at the beginning, as we might imagine. It is hard to beat sex, romance, and doing fun new things with a person you enjoy. But unfortunately, marital satisfaction dips at the birth of the first child, and continues to move downward, hitting a low when the kids are teenagers. Adolescents can try the patience of even the most loving parents, with their desire for independence, trying new things, and seeming to think their parents are mentally handicapped. Finally, the kids leave home, and marital satisfaction heads back upward, suggesting that the "empty nest" is indeed usually a happy one. Now parents can interact with their grown children as adults, and enjoy parenting on a part-time basis with their grandkids.
The Bad News
We have all been in a variety of relationships. We have been sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. Many of us are parents. We have been classmates, roommates, and love mates. Many of us have been supervisors or employees. We have been students, coaches, and passengers. All of this personal experience tells us that, despite the consistent findings linking happiness to relationships, being social animals is not always rosy. In fact, if you think of the absolute worst experiences you have ever had in your life, it is likely that other folks were implicated. There are instances of outright victimization, such as muggings and robberies. There are cases of harmful carelessness, such as auto accidents. We feel worried for our children if they come down with an illness. Other people are also the targets of our hostility, envy, and jealousy. Thus, our relationships are a mixed bag.
Sara Hodges, a social psychologist at the University of Oregon, studies empathy. Most folks consider empathy a positive skill, and essential for healthy functioning in a relationship or in society. It is clearly beneficial to be able to put yourself in another person's shoes, and understand how she is feeling. Empathy is the bedrock of compassion and altruism. But Hodges cautions that there may be a dark side to empathy. If we have too much empathy, we make ourselves vulnerable to the pain of others. Without regulating our empathy to some degree, intensely negative events, such as genocide or watching a parent undergo cancer treatment, could quickly become overwhelming. Another way empathy can bring pain is in those unfortunate instances when we injure others. If we make a spouse cry or hurt a friend's feelings, it is our empathy, our true understanding
of just how they must be feeling, that brings about guilt and sadness. Hodges's work is a cautionary tale that teaches us that relationships come with a price tag. The more heavily we invest in those around us, the more joy they will bring us when things go well, but also the more pain we may feel during the bumpier times.
The psychologist Michael Cunningham maintains that we can even grow allergic to some people, much in the way that we can be allergic to ragweed, cat dander, or peanuts. Although people's obnoxious behaviors are often minor, if they are repeated frequently enough, we may become allergic to these annoying or insensitive habits. Think about a college roommate, or a time you shared a house with your brother. Remember all those tiffs about the dishes, trash, and music on the stereo? Recall how intensely they got on your nerves? This constant grating leads to a reaction that is much stronger than any one annoying remark would suggest. Like an allergen, the annoyance might not bother you at first. In fact, you can probably overlook several small irritations. But, over time, they have a cumulative effect, so that your allergy grows worse. What was once an amiable relationship with a neighbor or mother-in-law can develop into a type of psychological anaphylactic shock in which you itch all over and your airways close up.
We need people, but our relationships, even the best ones, are not completely positive. For most of us, the negative times are in the minority, and we freely accept the costs involved in having close friends, trusted colleagues, and loved family members. You can protect yourself from the down times to some extent. By choosing friends carefully, surrounding yourself with happy people, and communicating well with others, you can avoid unnecessary conflict. Of course, none of us can ever completely avoid life's problems, but then, that's why we have supportive friends.
