Lullaby

by Claire Seeber

  The bloke that let us in looked like he would never care where he peed. A supercilious smile played round his bloodless mouth when he saw my brother, and he slicked his scrawny little rat’s-tail back with a flick of a skinny wrist. Then he saw the rotting avocados and, scowling, kicked them into the street. The frog-green flesh splattered the tarmac; smeared his heavy boot.

  Robbie was pitifully quiet, deferential even, to this man who led the way through racks of male clothes that screamed Millwall-on-a-Saturday. Heavy dub throbbed through the ceiling above, and I shivered involuntarily on the stairs, wishing fervently I were anywhere but here.

  The room above was utterly dark apart from the television and the neighbouring strip-shows’ neon signs that flickered eerily through the blinds; like heavenly traffic-lights, they illuminated the squalor of excess scattered all around. It smelt dirty, decadent; the kind of place watched by a thousand hidden eyes. Mine were still adjusting to the gloom when a shadow on the long leather sofa reached lazily behind him. A blinding light flooded our faces, and my brother clamped my hand between his sweaty palms. ‘All right, General?’ he coughed nervously. Rat’s-tail had disappeared.

  Very slowly, the man on the sofa lowered the lamp, his gaze skimming me unnervingly His thick brown hair was like crimplene, the light behind casting an odd halo round his head. He had the sneering face of an ugly angel; almost carved, he looked, so waxen and defined was his curling top lip. His feet were thrust on a table strewn with overflowing ashtrays and empty bottles. A dusky girl with Charlie’s Angels’ hair and a sinner’s body curled into him possessively, smoking weed, her ashtray balanced on a stack of glossy porn. She looked over, bored, and then away again. Expectantly, I waited, but Robbie just hung there in the doorway and something in his manner made me cringe.

  ‘Get our guests a drink, will you, Tan?’ the man called General said, smirking with what he apparently mistook for benevolence. Tan was going to argue until he slid his hand inside her skimpy vest and squeezed her nipple, hard. Embarrassed, I looked away, but she seemed undaunted; took a long toke on her spliff and ambled off towards the door, freeing tiny shorts from her voluptuous bottom as she went.

  General turned back to the football on the TV, and Robbie still hovered like a fly unable to decide which bit of crap to land on, until suddenly he pushed me forward, catching me off-guard. I snagged my flip-flop on a jagged board, almost landing in General’s lap. An offering from the Gods flashed ridiculously through my head.

  ‘You’re rather forward, dear!’ His voice was rasping, as ugly as him. He indicated that I should sit beside him on the sweaty sofa. I looked imploringly at Robbie, but he just leant there, shivering in the sub-tropical heat, struggling with his roll-up. Oblivious. Slowly, I sat. I waited.

  ‘This is my big sister, Gen,’ my brother eventually mumbled. ‘Jessica.’

  General looked me up and down. Under the gaze of his pale eyes, the kind that could freeze your very soul, I suddenly felt naked. I clutched my bag in front of me, like it was a small child to hide behind. Like it was my Louis.

  ‘Hardly big, darling,’ General deadpanned. I tried really hard to smile, but the atmosphere was thickening with every second. Soon I’d be able to pick it up in both hands and smash it on the wall. I was about to speak when Tanya sauntered in with dripping beers. She’d almost reached the table when General drove a sudden booted foot into her stomach.

  ‘I’ve changed my mind actually, Tan. Get the bubbly out, yeah? Special guests and all that.’

  ‘For Christ’s sake, Gen,’ she pouted. He dropped his foot so she fell against him hard; pulled her forward by one plump arm, grabbing her chin between spider-haired fingers.

  ‘You what, darling?’

  She winced as she pulled free. ‘I’ll get the Bolly,’ she muttered.

  General took a long, hard slug of beer. He was still smiling, twisting a thick gold ring round his little finger, round and round it went. I decided he was mad.

  ‘So,’ he said in that sandpaper voice, eyes glued to the football on the telly, ‘Robert tells me you’re missing a baby. Oh, you fucking twat! What the fuck was that?’ He gobbed a mouthful of beer at the screen. ‘Fucking Ferdinand.’

  Missing a baby.

  I nodded miserably. Sweat trickled down the front of my vest, trekked slowly down my back.

  ‘And you fancy a little help, yeah?’

  ‘Do you think you can help?’ My voice came out all funny.

  ‘Do I think I can help? I’d say so, darling. I could help most people if I felt like it.’

  ‘Really?’ I said politely. My skin prickled.

  ‘Yeah, really.’ He leant over me, too close, to relight Tanya’s joint. I could smell his acrid sweat beneath the cloying scent. He was the kind of white man who thought he was cool, street and black. All my instincts screamed bully; louder, they screamed ‘leave’.

  ‘But only if they’ve got the money, yeah?’ He blew a clumsy smoke-ring in my face. ‘A grand up front, that’s what we’re looking at. That’s right, ain’t it, Robert?’

  Robbie nodded. He wouldn’t meet my eye as Tanya returned with a pretty black boy shambling behind her, a cracked ice-bucket in his hand. For the first time since we’d arrived, Robbie became alert. I caught the wanton smile the boy flashed at my brother as he passed, and I realised it was the same boy from the other day, from the estate in Elephant and Castle. Perhaps it was my poor vision in that dark room, but I swore his fingers brushed my brother’s balls. Tanya shoved the bucket on the table, dislodging rubbish that fell with a bang.

  ‘Thought you’d be pleased to see your friend,’ General leered at Robbie. With utter indolence, he popped the bottle. Robbie slunk out behind the boy.

  ‘Robbie,’ I began, and then gagged as General stuck a thick, champagne-sodden finger into my unsuspecting mouth.

  ‘Nice, yeah?’ He moved nearer me. ‘Don’t tell me you don’t like champagne now, hey, Jane?’

  ‘Jessica, actually,’ I mumbled. I wanted desperately to wipe my mouth, but I really didn’t dare.

  ‘Jessica. That’s a nice name, ain’t it, Tan? Very pretty.’

  ‘S’pose,’ she shrugged sulkily.

  ‘Oh, come on now, Tan. You forgot the glasses, you naughty girl.’

  Oh don’t go, Tan, I silently intoned, but with a scowl she slouched back out. We were on our own. General contemplated me for a slow moment, swigging from the champagne bottle, then thrust it between my bare legs. The freezing glass made me gasp.

  ‘You know something, Jessica, you’re a very good-looking girl,’ he leered. ‘Bit of make-up, few nice garms, some rocking T-rex, yeah? Soon sort you out. Know what I mean?’

  I took a massive swig to avoid answering, and promptly choked on all the fizz. Champagne cascaded down my front. ‘Sorry,’ I stammered. Oh God, don’t touch me. ‘Bit clumsy.’

  His cold eyes swivelled.

  ‘The thing is, General—can I call you that?’ I rushed on. He moved his stinking pit-bull body closer again. ‘The thing is, I don’t have much time. Everything’s a bit—it’s all a bit frantic right now. You know. I’m sure you understand. It’s been over a week since—’

  ‘Well, my thing is, Jessica,’ he pulverised the joint into the ashtray. ‘My thing is, I need as much time as it takes me. And I’ve been waiting for a long time now, yeah?’

  Tanya banged the glasses down on the table, then plonked herself on the other side of her boyfriend and started to dig round in his pocket. I was finding it increasingly hard to concentrate. The heat was unbearable; the booze made my tired head swim again. ‘Sorry, what do you mean, “time”? To find Louis?’

  ‘Who’s Louis?’ General poured the champagne. Tanya retrieved a small gold case that she lovingly flipped open.

  ‘Louis is my son. My missing son. The reason that I’m here.’ This was complete bollocks. I stood up, too fast, and immediately felt sick. ‘Look, there’s obviously been a misunderstanding. I thought Robbie said you could help;
that you might, you know, know people who might be able to—’

  His arm shot out and grabbed my wrist, clamped it vice-like and pulled me back down. Tanya was racking out huge lines on the cover of GQ, curving them neatly between Angelina Jolie’s cleavage. I fell heavily on the sofa, and she tutted as tiny clouds of white powder flew up into the air.

  ‘There’s no misunderstanding, darling.’ Menace curled elegantly through his words. I took a huge swig of champagne, then another, brain racing. Where the hell was Robbie? Tanya snorted long and hard, leant back, eyes closed gratefully, holding her nose, her great golden breasts flopping from her top.

  ‘But—you—you didn’t know who Louis was,’ I mumbled desperately.

  ‘You want?’ General pointed at the coke. I shook my head vehemently. I wished to God he’d stop grinning like some crazed fool; like everything he said was some sort of tea-party pleasantry.

  ‘Louis-shmouis. I’m not good with names, yeah? I just need the money up front, darling—then we can talk names.’ Down into the coke, up again with an encrusted nose. I stood up quickly once more; edged away around the table.

  ‘Look, thanks for the drink. I need to get the money anyway, so I’ll sort that out and get back to you, okay?’

  With a whoosh of pure relief, I saw he was about to agree. ‘Do you know what, Jessica?’ he said, looking at his hands. My name sounded sordid in his mouth. Fastidiously he dug a bit of dirt out of his thumbnail. ‘I’d love to say it was okay, darling, but the thing is, it really ain’t at all.’ He flicked his find towards my feet. ‘The thing is, your useless piece of shit brother promised you’d deliver.’

  ‘Deliver what? I thought it was you who was going to deliver?’

  Tanya’s eyes snapped open in surprise at my raised voice. Her nose was running. General stood, and I took a quick step back.

  ‘Jessica,’ he sighed, ‘Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.’ His mad grin dripped with malice now. ‘This is starting to get on my tits, yeah?’

  I clamped my hands behind me so he couldn’t see how much they shook.

  ‘Look,’ I played frantically for time, ‘can I just use your loo quickly? I’m busting. Then—then we can sort this out,’ I said. I hoped my voice was steadier than I felt. Somewhere, a phone began to ring. He stared at me then he shrugged idly. ‘I suppose. Tanya, take the lady to the toilet, yeah.’ He walked towards the steamy window that ran with sweat behind the blind. ‘What?’ he rapped into the receiver.

  I followed an undulating Tanya through the debris to the door, my heart pounding in time with the dub music still echoing through the flat. I looked desperately for Robbie through each open door we passed, but he was nowhere to be seen. All I could think now was that I had to try to reach Silver. He might still be up in town, but I couldn’t think if I even had his bloody number on me.

  ‘I’ll wait out here, in case you get lost.’ Tanya stopped at the door of a filthy bathroom. Maroon paint peeled from the suppurating walls, the bath encrusted with God-knew-what. She leant against the wall outside, scarlet-tipped toes tapping frenetic time with the beat.

  ‘Thanks.’ The stupid lock was bust, so I leant heavily against the door, fished my phone from my bag and scrolled urgently through the numbers. Just remember to keep breathing. My hands were so clammy the mobile slid straight through my fingers and bounced off my foot, clattering to the floor. I froze, waited with baited breath for Tanya to knock, but the music must have saved me. Eventually I found what I prayed was Silver’s number stored in my call history—but I had hardly any signal. On the third go, the phone connected, but the signal bar kept flicking in and out. Finally, about to give up all hope, Silver answered. I was whispering frenziedly—but he couldn’t hear me anyway.

  ‘Hello, hello?’ he kept saying like a bloody parrot.

  ‘It’s me.’ I tried not to shout in desperation. ‘It’s Jess.’

  ‘Hello, hello? Jessica, is that you?’

  ‘Of course it’s bloody me.’ I was practically shrieking now, the music throbbing through the door.

  ‘Jessica, I can’t hear you. Call me back when you’ve got a proper signal.’ He hung up. I was nearly crying with frustration. You stupid bloody fool, Silver, the one time I ask for your help… I tried to ring again, but this time it didn’t connect at all. I started to text him a vague address, but the message wouldn’t send.

  ‘You died in there or what?’

  I jumped, whacking my head on the old cabinet above the scummy basin: Tanya, cross and bored, up close against the door. Oh please, just bloody send, I prayed silently to my mobile. I held it up as high as I could stretch while still holding the door shut, staggering on tiptoe, searching for a signal. Tanya began to knock loudly. ‘Come on, mate. I don’t wanna stay up here all bleeding night.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, all right,’ I called, ‘let me pull my knickers up, at least.’ I licked the sweat from my top lip, shoving the phone back in my bag without seeing if the message had sent, and opened the door.

  ‘Sorry,’ I lied shakily, ‘I’m not feeling too good. Too much booze, you know? This heat.’

  She shrugged and wandered past me to reapply her dark lipstick in the flyspecked mirror. ‘Have a line then. Sober you up.’ I shook my head, leant nonchalantly against the filthy, saturated wall. I could feel my body shaking; Tanya’s eyes never off me in the mirror.

  ‘You know, one thing I’d say to you. Don’t fuck General off, okay? He’s got a nasty temper.’

  ‘Oh really?’ I said. ‘Thanks. I was just hoping—well, you know, my brother suggested he might know something, that’s all.’

  ‘Ah, yes, your brother.’ She smacked her lips against each other. ‘He’s a naughty boy, that one, ain’t he? You want some?’ She offered me her lipstick and I acquiesced this time. Anything to keep her on side. My hand shook as I traced my mouth with ‘Black Narcissus’. ‘Great colour,’ I enthused manically. It made me look like I was dead.

  Back downstairs, Robbie was still nowhere to be seen. General was apparently glued to the football again. ‘Had a bit of time to think then, yeah?’ He didn’t look at me.

  ‘A little, I guess. The thing is…’ I smiled at him, racking my brains, ‘actually, can I have some more champagne first? It’s going down a treat.’

  He topped up my glass with a meaty hand.

  ‘Thank you. You’re so generous. So,’ I sipped flirtatiously. The lipstick left a dirty mark as I drank. ‘How did you meet Robbie?’

  He smirked. Tanya’s eyes were slit with suspicion.

  ‘I don’t think you really want to know, darling.’

  ‘Oh.’ I sipped again. Come on, Jess. Think of Louis. ‘The thing is, I’m not really sure what you’re offering.’ I patted his knee; I felt as sexy as a dead fish. Tanya’s nose was properly running now as she opened the gold case again.

  General shrugged. ‘If you want help, I’ll give it to you. At a price, yeah?’

  ‘Yes, but what kind of help? I mean, the police are helping. Do you really know things they can’t find out?’

  He laughed without mirth. ‘What do you think, darling?’

  Tanya was snorting straight from the case now. General swore and muttered something to her I didn’t catch, but she ignored him and carried on. Robbie appeared suddenly in the doorway, stumbled slightly on the small step into the room. He slumped beside me.

  ‘All right, Jess? Has General explained the deal?’ He was slurring now. With a sinking heart, I realised my brother was totally gone. He began to rock vaguely back and forth. General giggled, sensing my despair.

  ‘What do you expect? They’re as bad as each other.’ He nodded at his girlfriend, her eyes popping as she chewed on her lip. ‘Not like you and me, eh, girl? So, if you, like, give me the money, I’ll help him, yeah?’ He looked at Robbie with contempt.

  ‘What do you mean, “him”? I thought this was about me—about my baby?’ Finally, finally, I’d had enough. First Agnes, then this. Why was everyone playing me for a fool? My patien
ce ran out.

  ‘Look, have you got any idea at all about Louis or is this all just pure bloody bullshit?’ I pushed away from him and stood up again.

  ‘This baby, you mean?’ General reached lazily into his jeans pocket, held something crumpled out, something I couldn’t quite see at first. I peered. A photo of a baby. A photo of Louis. ‘This little darling? He’s so like his mum, ain’t he?’

  I sprang for him. My nails caught his jaw as I scrabbled for the photo.

  ‘Where the hell did you get that?’ I lunged for the arm that taunted me, that held Louis’s image just out of reach. Using his full force, General slapped me then, his ring catching the edge of my lipsticked mouth. As I went flying back, the photo fluttered in the stultifying air, landing face-down on the filthy floor. I fumbled for it, but General grabbed me by my hair and pulled me back, slammed me against the wall.

  He wasn’t tall but he was much bigger than me, thick-set like a fighting dog. The air around him spoke of evil, and when the neon lights flicked through the window, they caught his piercing eyes and I saw that they were empty. He pressed up against me; I felt the heat emanating from his body, so near his chest hairs tickled my neck. I tried not to gag again.

  ‘Robbie,’ I gasped out, but my brother wasn’t there. I thought about a time a bit like this ten years ago, about how my little brother had leapt to my defence then. Now, though, now he just sat swaying on the sofa, eyes closed, gouching out. Tanya too was in her own world, filing her scarlet talons. Just biding time; waiting for her bloke to do whatever it was he had to. General shot her a look, and she got up and left.

  ‘Please,’ I wheezed, but in response he rammed an insistent knee between my legs, forcing them open. He ran a hand down my arm and then grabbed my breast, the other hand manacling my wrist. I was in real pain now, but I was damned if I’d let him see.