Deep Redemption

by Tillie Cole

  “You’ll live on the farthest side of the property, well outta fuckin’ sight, but close enough that we can watch you. But I don’t wanna see your face anywhere near the inside of this club. I don’t wanna see you tryin’ to creep back in. In fact, I don’t ever wanna see you again, period. So that’s what’s gonna happen. Once you can move, you’re gettin’ the fuck out of my way and out of my MC.”

  I stood up. I was just about to reach for the door handle when the fucker said hoarsely, “If I could go back . . . I wouldn’t do it . . . I wouldn’t have turned coat . . . I’ll regret it every day for the rest of my life.”

  My back bunched at the sound of his traitorous voice, at what he fucking said. But I didn’t respond. I walked out into the hallway where Mae and Bella were waiting. Bella shouldered past me and went into the room.

  The door slammed shut.

  I ran my hand down my face.

  Crazy. Fucking. Bitch.

  When I looked up, Mae was in front of me wearing a huge fucking smile. “You have chosen the path of forgiveness?” I shook my head in frustration. It was only for her. Always only for fucking her. Ky was right; I was such a fucking pussy.

  Cunt-struck. So fucking cunt-struck.

  Mae stood on her tiptoes and pressed her mouth against mine. Groaning into her mouth, I slammed her against the wall and took her full lips with mine. Mae moaned, then pulled away. My hands fell to her waist, and I felt her looking at me hard.

  Mae took a deep breath. “River?” My heart fucking slammed against my chest whenever she called me by that name. I flicked my chin. “I think it is time.”

  I frowned. Time for what?

  Mae cupped my rough cheeks with her hands and answered my unspoken question. “For me to be completely yours . . . for me to finally become Mrs. River Nash.”

  I froze. I fucking froze stock still and my eyes narrowed. “Wh-when?” I barked, wanting it to happen fucking yesterday.

  “As soon as we can,” she said and put my hand on her stomach. “Before our child arrives. When things around here have calmed down again.”

  I wanted to ride out, kidnap the first fucking pastor I found and drag his holy ass to the clubhouse to marry us.

  But instead I decided to take my soon-to-be wife back to our cabin and fuck her until she screamed.

  So I fucking did.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Rider

  Ten days later . . .

  “Do you need anything else?” Bella asked as she helped me back to bed from the shower.

  “No,” I said and held onto her hand. Bella smiled down at me. I glanced down at her hand in mine . . . at the wedding ring on her fourth finger.

  She crawled onto the bed beside me. I winced as I twisted to face her. Bella looked down at the simple gold band. “The most sacred thing I possess,” she said, smiling. “It was the best thing I ever did.”

  My heart stuttered. I could see in her eyes that she meant it. Hell, the past few days had shown me how much she really loved me. It was funny as hell to me. Bella credited me with saving her life, when really, she had saved me in every single way possible.

  She gave me life when she spoke to me through that stone wall.

  She gave me hope when she wanted me despite who I was.

  And she fought the Hangmen for me when I should have died.

  Over the past ten days she had never left my side. She had showered me with the love I had missed out on growing up. She had told me more than once that she would make up for all the kisses I should have been given as a child, the embraces I was starved of in my youth.

  And she meant it. Bella always held my hand. She had held my hand in hers ever since our days in the cell. And here she still was, still holding my fucking hand in bed.

  A knock sounded on the door, and Smiler came through, as he did every day. Bella sat up, just as a little blonde girl pushed past Smiler’s legs, taking advantage of the open door.

  “Grace!” I heard Lilah call. “I am sorry!” Lilah said as she appeared in the doorway. “The little monster likes to run away.” I smiled as I heard the happiness in her voice.

  I felt a pair of eyes on my face. Grace was standing beside my bed, staring at me. Her eyes narrowed in confusion. I glanced at Bella, who was watching in amusement. “Hello, Grace,” I said.

  Grace turned to Lilah with a little frown on her face. “Mama?” Grace said. “I thought you said the prophet was in heaven now?” My stomach dropped when she pointed to me. “But he is here. I have found him again!”

  Lilah’s eyes widened in embarrassed shock, and she darted further into the room. She crouched beside Grace. “No, Grace. Do you not remember Rider? Remember I said he was the prophet’s brother?”

  Grace nodded dubiously. “But he looks just like the prophet.”

  “I know. That is because he is his twin. Remember I explained what a twin was?”

  Grace nodded her head. “People who share the same face.”

  “That is right.” Lilah got to her feet. “I am so sorry, Rider. She still gets confused a lot. The transition from her former life to this is difficult. Lines blur.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. But inside, I was fucking dying. I hadn’t even looked in a mirror since I’d been laid up in this bed like a damn cripple. It wasn’t because of my injuries. It was because I didn’t want to the see the man staring back.

  I saw him every time I closed my eyes. Gasping for breath. Pleading with me to let him live.

  “Aunt Bella! Come outside, I want to show you something,” Grace said, snapping me from my thoughts. Bella rocked on her feet. I could see she wanted to go, but she didn’t want to leave me.

  “Go,” I said, forcing a smile. “Please.” I needed some time alone.

  Bella nodded in understanding and let Grace take her hand and lead her outside. I closed my eyes. I worked on breathing, but the fucking constant ache in my chest flared to life, crippling my lungs.

  “You good?” I opened my eyes to see Smiler holding out some painkillers. I nodded and took them from his hands. Smiler gave me a glass of water and I knocked the painkillers back.

  I put the glass on the side table, fucking wincing when the pain from my cracked ribs cut through me. “Fuck!” I hissed as I lowered myself back down.

  Smiler busied himself with the bandages he’d brought. The brother had been here every day despite some of the Hangmen giving him shit. I didn’t know why. Hell, I had no idea why he even helped me from the barn in the first place.

  “I wanna get to that cabin, man, and outta this clubhouse,” I said.

  “You will. A few more days.”

  “I can get there now,” I argued.

  Smiler just shrugged. Anger whipped in my veins. “I don’t wanna be in this clubhouse anymore. The brothers all fucking want me dead. And Bella never gets out of this fucking room. She never dares leave me in case one of them goes against the prez’s order not to kill me.”

  Smiler nodded. “Damn good bitch you got there,” he said and closed the medical bag . . . the bag that used to be mine. Smiler had told me he’d taken over as the makeshift doctor when I left.

  Another way I’d fucked him over.

  I lay back down on the bed. “She’d have been better off without me.” I shook my head. “What the fuck kind of life will she have with me? Here? Styx won’t let me leave the property for fear that I’ll fuck y’all over again. Bella needs to be with her sisters, yet we’re gonna be living acres away from them because he also doesn’t wanna see my face near the club.” I took a deep inhale to calm myself down. “She’d have been better off if I’d died. Fuck, man, I wanted to die in that barn. Being spared just means I’ve got more time to live with all the fucking shit that’s happened, that I’ve caused.” I rubbed my eyes. “I don’t wanna sleep no more ‘cause the dreams come. And I can’t stand seeing Bella suffering as an outcast because of me when I’m awake.”

  I sighed. “She should have fucking let me die.”

  Sil
ence met my words, until Smiler moved toward the door and said, “You don’t even know what you’ve got.”

  I leaned up on my elbows to see him better. The brother looked pissed as all hell. “What?” I asked.

  Smiler shook his head. “You. Bella. You have no fuckin’ idea how good you got it. Fuck the club. Fuck your psycho brother and the nightmares. Fuck the fact that Grace thought you were the prophet. What the hell does it matter when you got your life and a bitch that would fuckin’ die for you—literally? A hot bitch that fuckin’ worships the bastard ground you walk on. Why the hell care about anything else when you have that?”

  I flinched at the venom in Smiler’s voice. “Fuck, Smiler,” I said and swallowed back my surprise.

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, he said calmly, “I’d give anythin’ to have that back. That kinda bitch who’d look at me like Bella looks at you. Who’ll give everythin’ up just to be with me. I don’t think you know what kinda fuckin’ blessin’ you got already. Yeah, you had a fucked-up life. But karma’s fuckin’ givin’ it back tenfold with Bella.”

  I stared at Smiler, not knowing what the hell to say.

  He turned his back to me. “I had it once, Rider. Took her for granted like you’re doin’ now with Bella,” he said. “And the stupid fuck that I am, I had no idea what she meant to me until she was dyin’ in my fuckin’ arms, her fadin’ eyes beggin’ me to fuckin’ save her. But I couldn’t, she was done. Now I’d give anythin’ just to have her fuckin’ look at me again. Like Bella looks at you. Just for one more fuckin’ day.”

  “Smiler,” I said, “I didn’t know, I—”

  “Well now you do. So don’t fuck it up . . . ‘cause then you’ll definitely pray that you’d fuckin’ died in that barn. Life’s real shit when you’re alone. Real fuckin’ shit.” Smiler left the room and shut the door.

  I didn’t know how long I stayed just staring after him. I lay back down and thought about everything he’d said. Thought about the last few months. I thought about how I had avoided looking in the mirror.

  I was a pussy. A fucking pussy. Because I couldn’t stand seeing Judah in my refection.

  I didn’t know how the fuck to move on when literally everything about me reminded me of the person I wanted to forget most.

  The sounds of the brothers and their wives or sluts came drifting from the bar. It was family day at the Hangmen. The sound of laughter and loud cheering filled every inch of space. While I was locked away to make sure no fucker touched me.

  I closed my eyes, just trying to fucking breathe, when I heard the door click open and close. Annoyed at the unwanted intrusion, I opened my eyes, ready to ask whoever it was to leave. Then I froze.

  Mae.

  Silence stretched between us as she began walking toward my bed. I watched her the entire way, not knowing what the fuck to say. What was there to say? Guilt and a truckload of embarrassment flooded through me when I thought of what I’d done to her. What I’d put her through . . . the crazy fucking obsession I used to have with her.

  Mae sat down on the chair beside my bed and looked straight into my eyes.

  “Mae—” I began, but she suddenly held up her hand, cutting me off.

  “No. Please, let me speak,” she said softly. I nodded my head. Mae glanced down at her hands on her lap. “Just tell me you love her.” I tensed as those words left her mouth. When I didn’t immediately respond, Mae looked up. “I need to know that you want her, heart and soul. I need to know that you love her completely. Forever. I need to know that she is your everything and always will be.”

  My racing heart pumped the blood around my body at a breakneck speed. “Yes.” My voice came out raspy and broken. I cleared my throat, feeling heat flood my cheeks. “I love her more than anything, Mae. You have no idea how much.” I searched my head for the right words “I have waited my entire life to feel whole. I thought it would come with my ascension. Instead it came with her. From the minute I heard her voice . . . I was changed.” I lifted my hand and placed it over my heart. “I would die for her. I would do anything for her. You have my word.”

  Mae’s blue eyes shimmered and a small smile pulled on her lips. Unable to leave anything unsaid, I rasped, “Mae.” I shook my head in shame. “What I did to you, how I treated you—”

  “It does not matter now,” she interrupted.

  “It does,” I argued, then took a deep breath. “I . . . for the longest time, I thought I loved you.” Mae dropped her gaze. “But I know now that I didn’t. Now I have Bella, I understand what love truly is. And it is not what I felt for you.” Guilt and humiliation ran thick in my veins. “You were my friend, and I stupidly threw it away. I’m . . . I’m so embarrassed about how I acted. If I could change it, if I could just go back, I wouldn’t be that way. I wouldn’t—”

  Mae’s hand reached out to cover mine on the bed, cutting me off. I inhaled deeply, trying to calm my shot nerves. “Rider. It is done. I can see you have changed. But more than that, I see how you look at Bella. You never looked at me that way, and that is good. It is how it is all meant to be. I see that now.”

  The heavy weight on my shoulders began to lighten some. Mae said, “Just promise me you will care for her like no other.” Her hand gripped mine tightly. “She has fought so hard for so long, Rider. From such a young age, she cared for us all. She was our most fierce protector. But it made her tired. So very tired, but she never stopped being there for us, loving us, being the mother we never had.”

  My chest ached. I imagined Bella as a child, displaying the same tenacity she had when she protected me from the Hangmen. The thought almost made me break down. A broken laugh spilled from Mae’s lips. “She would tell us of the life we would one day have—free and with men who loved us for us, our souls, not our looks.” Mae wiped away a stray tear. “And she believed it so much, Rider. Then she died, or at least we thought she had died. In the dark of night, here at the compound, I would mourn the life she dreamed for us all, because we all achieved it and she did not. Little did I know that Bella was alive and fighting still—fighting to survive, then returning to New Zion to fight for those who could not fight for themselves.” Mae paused then tipped her head toward me. “And she fought for you. Fought for your life . . . fought so bravely for the man who has stolen her heart.” I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “But now it is time for her fight to end.” Mae took a breath. “It is time for her to lower her shield and finally be happy . . . it is time for her to have peace.”

  I glanced away, blinking the water from my eyes. Mae got to her feet. “Bella is, and will always be, the very beat to my heart. She is the greatest treasure anyone could find,” she said. “And I am happy that it is you who showed her her worth. Because she is priceless, Rider. Truly priceless.”

  Mae walked to the door. Just as she reached for the handle, I said, “I’m sorry, Mae. For what it’s worth, I’m so fucking sorry for it all.”

  Mae glanced at me over her shoulder. “It is the past, Rider. We both now have the futures that were meant for us. It is time to keep our eyes forward, no looking back.”

  I bowed my head in agreement., “You’re risking a lot coming here to see me. Styx won’t be happy if he catches you.”

  Mae shrugged. “I needed to make sure you loved Bella as much as I needed you to.” Mae smiled, a pure, joyful smile. “And having Bella back has taught me to have more of a backbone. She has taught me to be stronger. Bella is the consummate rule breaker, but I now see some rules need to be broken.”

  “That she is,” I said, picturing Bella’s beautiful face in my head. I felt the warmth infuse my muscles at the thought of her perfect eyes and mouth . . . at the way she looked at me.

  Only me.

  With uncensored love.

  “You know, Rider?” Mae said. “We were good friends once. I feel that maybe, one day, we could be again.”

  A familiar platonic smile graced Mae’s mouth and I replied, “Yeah . . . bei
ng your friend sounds good, Mae. Friends. All we ever should have been.”

  Mae left the room, plunging it into a heavy silence. I stared at the ceiling, replaying what had just happened. It is time to keep our eyes forward, no looking back. Mae was right, I knew she was. There was no looking back for any of us now.

  As my eyes closed, I tried to convince myself to follow her advice. It was easier said than done when your past was a heavy burden on your back. But I had to try.

  For Bella, I had to just . . . try.

  Some time later, I opened my eyes. I shifted on the bed as my muscles gradually woke up, hearing the family and friends of the Hangmen still having fun outside.

  I groaned when I realized I needed a piss. I staggered to the bathroom, gripping onto my broken ribs. When I was done, I moved back toward the bathroom door and caught my reflection in the mirror above the sink. And I froze. I fucking froze, my heart dropping, when, in that second, I saw Judah’s face staring back.

  For a brief moment, I had forgotten it all.

  My pulse hammered in my neck and I fought to catch my breath as all the unwanted images of him came flooding to my brain. Exhausted, body weak, I leaned on the sink and closed my eyes. My arms shook with the rage that was settling within me. Judah. Fucking Judah. Even in death, he was still keeping me under his spell. Still polluting my mind . . . still ruining my fucking life.

  I opened my eyes and looked back in the mirror. My jaw tensed as I stared myself down. I pulled back my hand and slammed it into the cabinet on the wall. The contents poured out as I smashed the door from its hinges. As I focused on breathing through the pain of my broken ribs, I saw something in the sink.