Will She Be Mine

by Subir Banerjee

“My first lecture has already started!” She made another attempt to get out of the car, but I held her back tightly and took a deep breath. “Let me go, RK,” she protested. “Leave my hand, it hurts.”

  “Not till I say my peace. Forget the lecture, it’s already started.”

  “I’ll never come with you again,” she said annoyed. “This is supposed to be a crash course and each lecture is expensive. Besides that, I’ve got my final year exams to prepare for too. I don’t have the time for romance.” She turned to me grimly. “Anyway, spill what you have to say and let me go.”

  I didn’t want a crowd to collect and spank me for trying to abduct a pretty girl, and released her hand. She looked away but didn’t leave the car. I cleared my throat, miserably aware I had to floor her with my next words somehow. It might be my last chance.

  “Shalini, I don’t know if Ragini is prettier or not- but I love you, and honestly, don't care if you're not pretty.”

  “Hey, wait a minute,” she turned around in her seat to object. “When did I say I'm not pretty?”

  “You just said so.”

  “I only said my sister's prettier.”

  “I thought-”

  “Oh, shut up, you're hopeless.”

  “Of course, you're pretty too,” I said immediately, trying to repair the damage. What had I done? I realized I had aggravated her resistance towards me and felt sheepish, and to make up added clumsily, “Otherwise, why’d I chase you?”

  “I said shut up and go to hell.” She got off the car and banged the door shut before I could make further amends.

  I rested my hands on the steering wheel and put down my head to weep. It was dark outside and darker inside my mind. The darkness outside had neon lights and dazzling billboards for company, but the despair within me had no source of solace. She had already missed a part of her first lecture. Why couldn’t she have forgone the rest and stayed back to understand my feelings? I sobbed uncontrollably and after a while got up as a passerby touched my shoulder. I looked up desolately. It was Shalini!

  “Don’t cry,” she said softly. “I’ve been watching you for a while and couldn’t enter the class- but can’t hang around long either. Be a man. Try to be strong.”

  “But-”

  She shook her head. “Don’t say the same things again. Be professional.”

  I felt piqued. “Who told you to stay back and console me?” I said in an irritated tone. “Go to your lecture. How does it matter if I cry or feel sad?”

  “It matters, RK,” she said with a slight tremor in her tone. “I can’t bear to see you cry.”

  I looked up hopefully. But the tremor soon vanished from her voice. Had I imagined it?

  “Don’t cry for me,” she said firmly. “Why are you so attached? It’ll only hurt you. Put marriage out of your mind and try to get your life back on track.” She glanced over her shoulder at the entrance to her training class. “Bye for now, RK, I’ve really got to go or I’ll miss the second tutorial too.”

  I’d literally adopted the renounced order of life in a place of pilgrimage after she first rejected my proposal the first time. For a brief span of time I’d been quite serious about spirituality. But after a while, I assumed God must be sufficiently impressed by my sincerity and would be eager to reciprocate. He’d feel compelled to oblige by uniting me with her.

  So today I had renewed my proposal a second time, but immediately she had spurned my offer again. I was getting used to the heartbreak by now. A steely determination had started taking shape in my mind by now. I’d persevere till the end, till she said yes. There was nothing else in my life other than succeeding in love. That was the only way to get my life back on track. Through all the haze and storm, and deluge of tears and heartbreaks, I could see only one goal left in my life. Her! I was determined to get there.

  I suppose it’s sometimes difficult to read a career conscious woman's mind. Deep within, I still held hopes that she felt something for me, but the statistics seemed overwhelmingly against me so far.

  It wasn’t long before Shalini passed her MBA selection exam successfully and disappeared for two years to Bangalore to complete her MBA at a prestigious KIM. Bangalore was like another planet, quite far from Delhi- separated by a distance of over 1500 miles. By train the journey from Delhi took close to two nights while it was almost three hours by air.

  I returned to my spiritual haven in the nearby city of pilgrimage that I’d been frequenting. My renunciation was obviously incomplete. Over the next year I tried to time my visits home with her vacations but missed her twice. So I expressed a desire at home to travel to Bangalore for sightseeing. My father had been observing my meandering ways for a while, without voicing his concerns. But now he spoke up, sounding firm.

  "Enough of chasing girls and spirituality," he said ominously. Coming from him, I took it seriously. "The two don't go well together. You're obviously confused.”

  I pursed my lips, thinking how I could explain to him that I wasn’t confused. I was madly in love. Love was such a wonderful, once in a lifetime, experience. How could one disown the feeling and walk away from it?

  “I think it’s time your started working, Rajat,” he went on. “It’d help organize your life better. You've already wasted about two years since graduation."

  When I didn't respond, he took it upon himself to apply to a few job vacancies on my behalf. He patiently tolerated my utter lack of seriousness about material life and went about fixing the damage as best as he could.

  I waited with bated breath the day Shalini arrived from Bangalore after completing her MBA. Everyone else my age was already working but I kept waiting for her. A lot of water had flown down the Ganges River while I chased her unsuccessfully. During this time she’d not only completed her MBA from a prestigious institute, but also landed a fabulous job in Delhi.

  On my part, I’d attended an interview for a government job last year to which my father had applied on my behalf. He’d all along been employed in government service himself and felt it safer to have his unpredictable, unstable son similarly employed, in the government sector. In those days joining government service was considered respectable and the jobs carried superannuation benefit too, which was later stopped for new joiners around the middle of the decade.

  “If you complete a certain number of years in your job, you'd be eligible for a pension,” he explained.

  I knew what was on his mind. He wasn’t sure how long his unstable son could carry on in a job before deciding to chuck it all of a sudden. So he was eager to see me in a job that carried security and post retirement benefits.

  “But they don’t pay well,” I objected meekly.

  “It’s better than getting nothing,” he replied pointedly. In a more encouraging tone he explained, “Government jobs may not be as bad as you think. Initially the salary seems low, but I’ve interacted with a lot of IAS officers- you know, the administrative services officers- in my jobs, and seen them prosper to the extent of buying two or three houses, sometimes more, besides owning good, new cars eventually. I don’t know how they manage it, but Rajat, if you can honestly make that kind of money in a government job then why not go for one with an open mind? Such a job should be your first priority, since these jobs also carry job security and a pension at the end.”

  “But I never competed for IAS entrance exams. The job which you applied on my behalf is an ordinary government job, not IAS.”

  “It’s not ordinary- it’s in the scientific cadre. You’d become a technocrat over time as you scale the heights of your profession.”

  “Only to report to a dumb, arrogant administrator at the top who doesn’t understand science or technology, but makes the rules of the game all the same?”

  “I wasn’t trying to compare technocrats with administrators when I referred to making good money in government jobs,” he clarified. “I’m aware there are always some unscrupulous people who make money, no matter where they work.�
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  “Now I’m confused.”

  “Let me explain. Not everybody is unscrupulous or corrupt. Your salaries increase with seniority. By growing, if you get an opportunity to make that kind of honest money- with which to buy two or three houses and a few new cars- you shouldn’t overlook such opportunities. Some people also go on foreign assignments that catapult one’s savings further.”

  I nodded, though still unclear of his rationale. He was a simple man who’d only seen others grow and make money to buy more houses than one, and imagined everyone else’s source of money to be as honest as his own. In his simple way, he wished similar success for his favorite son. I didn’t mind his advice despite my objections. It was enough to know that at heart he was honest and meant well.

  “Have faith in your abilities,” he said in the end, unable to rationalize further. I didn’t persist in ripping apart his beliefs either. “Your interview took place for a good role in a progressive organization. If you get the job, it’ll be good for your career. Otherwise, after over two years of sitting idle at home, it might be difficult to land a respectable job.”

  He had made a valid point this time. But my interview had taken place nearly a year ago, and I never heard back from the government organization after that. I’d mostly forgotten about it, aware that I had not fared too well at the interview. There had been nearly twenty interviewers on the panel and I had felt literally gang raped by the crowd. Even my ragging at college as a freshman had been milder in comparison.

  Somehow I’d managed to live through the ordeal. After what I went through, I thought they owed me at least a rejection slip out of courtesy, but I got none. It was any day easier to break a wall with one's head than expect courteous behavior from some employers in this country if they rejected you. Father applied to some other jobs too, but no one else called me for interview.

  It didn’t matter. The good part was that Shalini was back in Delhi. She remained friendly with me and even agreed to accompany me to eating joints on some evenings or Sundays, though she never broached the topic of marriage from her side. When I raised it, she smiled disdainfully.

  “You don't give up, do you?”

  “What’s wrong with marrying me?” I challenged.

  “You don’t even earn, RK,” was all she commented finally. “What can I say? I do feel bad, but sometimes feel you're emotionally unstable.”

  That wasn’t a good assessment for a girl to have of her beau. She’d soon give up on me as hopeless if she thought that way. My days passed by in misery. After hearing her comment about my joblessness, I felt desperate to apply to a job that paid well. The IT industry seemed alluring in that sense, but I had a degree in aeronautical engineering, with no experience in software or IT. Did one’s major matter? My first job through our college’s campus recruitment had been in marketing, not in aeronautics, though I chucked that job away. It would have been lucrative, I thought ruefully. Would they rehire me if I went back? It seemed unlikely.

  Somehow I’d botched up my career prospects royally and it didn't look like I’d ever earn big in this life, while she was all set to roll in money, armed with an MBA degree from a premier management institute reputed the world over. She’d soon mingle in her own circle of similarly employed people, earning equally fabulously, and forget me completely. I had to fix the situation urgently and discussed with father about undergoing a couple of software trainings, something the market termed as certificate courses.

  “Are those courses any good?” he asked doubtfully.

  I had no idea. The newspapers were full of advertisements about certificate courses in software programming and networking tools, promising placements to all course participants in software companies. I needed the money and the self respect it would bring. I could always think about the appropriateness of the job later, as long as it was an honest means of earning a livelihood. Shalini’s comment about my joblessness weighed heavily on my mind. It was important to please her first. That was the top priority of the moment. Maybe she was just waiting for me to land a job before saying yes to my marriage proposal? I couldn't wait to reach the milestone.

  “We like to think of the placements promised by such courses as high paying jobs in big branded companies,” father said.

  I nodded eagerly. It seemed he was finally catching on and ready to look at prospects my way.

  “But for all you know, they might well be insignificant jobs at unknown workplaces,” he pointed out dryly, crashing my hopes. “How can you be sure of the value of such courses?”

  I frankly had no idea and looked at him hopefully.

  “Anyway,” he relented finally, since his son's future at stake. “You've wasted almost three years since graduation. Let's see if such a course works out for you. Go ahead and enroll in one. I'll pay the fees.”

  The institute I joined taught the C programming language to start with. The course instructor was faintly surprised to find an MSIT graduate, jobless for 3 years, seeking a paltry certificate course to bail himself out. I didn’t care what he thought as long as he delivered value and I got a job to please my Shalini. The course promised a brief training in the C++ programming language later along with a primer on networking fundamentals as well, but I never made it that far.

  Well before we even started on the more advanced concepts of the C programming language, the government agency that had interviewed me over a year ago, responded. A thick letter arrived by courier one afternoon, within a month of my joining the computer programming course.

  “They certainly send rejection letters in style,” I remarked disdainfully, noting the sender’s address as I grappled with the thick stapler pins to open the envelope.

  Surprise! It was not a rejection slip, but my appointment letter! I’d given up the interview as a failure and my prospective employer as inefficient and discourteous, who didn't bother to keep candidates posted on the developments after subjecting them to horrendous interviews that smacked of gang rape. But somehow, magically enough, they’d woken up to their folly and remembered me! After over a year of wait, they had sent my appointment letter! It meant I had not performed that badly at the interview.

  “These organizations take us for granted,” I said to mother. “After a year they assume I'm still waiting for their offer. A year is a long time. As if anyone would remain unemployed for so long.”

  “Aren't you?” she pointed out archly. “You don't have a job yet.”

  “But I'm doing a very good programming course,” I defended lamely. “I can any day earn higher than the salary they've offered.”

  “Don't boast till you have something to show. Now, will you please call up your father and inform him about the offer?” she snorted, cutting short my daydreams. “At least he’d feel relieved and happy.”

  He was. In fact, he was so delighted that he took a break from office that afternoon and rushed home to congratulate me. I wasn't sure it was anything worth celebrating. The salary was paltry and my posting would be at Bangalore, which was so far from Delhi where my Shalini had recently returned to work.

  I didn't wish to leave Delhi at this juncture, so soon after her return. I had just started taking her out to eating joints on money borrowed from my parents and needed a little more time to warm her up to the idea of matrimony with me. I was certain she’d agree to my proposal this time.

  She too had treated me to dinner on a couple of occasions, so it wasn’t one-sided any longer. I felt we were just beginning to cozy up to each other and needed to spend more time together. The irony was that my posting would be in Bangalore, a place she’d just vacated. Couldn't we ever be near each other for long? I felt frustrated at my selection in the government job, though it was reputed to be one of the few productive government agencies across the country engaged in imaging and research, with over five thousand employees spread across three or four locations in the country.

  My selectors were villains and spoilsports, I thought fuming. We had
lengthy discussions at home why I shouldn’t go to Bangalore versus why I should go and join immediately. I wasn’t able to put up a sound defense and lost the case. Left with little choice, I packed my bags reluctantly. The sad part was that Shalini was traveling at that time and father felt I shouldn’t risk postponing my joining date at my new job, lest they move on to the next candidate in queue and drop me. I was unlikely to get another good job in this life if I didn’t take up this one on time.

  So I reached Bangalore to join my first job. I couldn't meet Shalini before leaving, though I managed to convey my departure schedule to her over phone. She didn't sound in any way concerned or perturbed about my going away. I tried to reason with myself that she cared about me but was too busy to show it. Had she not had a soft corner for me, why would she have accompanied me occasionally to the eating joints after her office hours wehen she was in town?

  I felt pretty homesick at Bangalore chiefly on account of missing her. This was my first job after a long barren patch of time and I was supposed to feel enthusiastic, but I hardly felt the part. Morosely, I took up a small room at a lodge near the railway station. During my first week at the workplace, I learned the secret behind my selection and the reason for the delay in sending me the offer. It seemed there had been some kind of hiring freeze due to which they were unable to make the offer earlier. There was another secret and this second one left me feeling proud.

  The head of the interview panel, Ananthkrishnan, had favored me strongly owing to my MSIT credentials. He’d forcefully spoken in favor of recruiting me despite my joblessness of close to three years. He wanted to give a bright fresher a chance and several panel members had supported him. Since the position I was interviewed for fell in his department, as the head of the interview panel he overruled the few who objected, and hired me, albeit in a lower role, in a post unrecognized in any government gazette due to my inexperience, with the provision that I’d be promoted within a year to a post listed in a gazette, as per the organization’s processes- if I performed well. My subsequent promotions would come at four years or more, as per the existing government norms at that time.