by Nicety
The not knowing was unbearable. Given his wild background, I could only think the worst. I couldn’t help but think something bad had happened to him. I hated thinking like that but my thoughts kept retreating to someone from his past finding him and killing him for whatever dirt he had done to them.
Fuck this shit. I bolted upstairs throwing on some jeans and a Gucci tank with some gold open toed Manolos. I checked the curls in my long dark colored weave to make sure they were as flawless as my spring-shaded makeup. Enough was enough. I snatched up my Gucci purse and hustled out the door. After starting my Benz, I screeched off in a hurry to find my man.
Jay lived in the Roseland neighborhood in a halfway house. It was the only place that would take him when he was released from prison. I hadn’t been on that side of town in years so my stomach turned at the thought of having to go back there. It was a place where crime, rats, and drug bunnies ran rampart. It undoubtedly held trashy streets sprinkled with abandoned buildings but I had no choice but to go if I wanted to know where he was. Just as my thoughts drifted to our last sexcapade stirring my juices, my phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hey baby. You missed me?” Jay’s sensual voice was like music to my ears.
“What the fuck you mean ‘did I miss you’? Of course I missed you. How the fuck you just gonna disappear on me that long?” I snapped, pulling over to the side of the road to cool my anxieties.
“Aye, aye, calm down. I lost my phone and had to get another one. Save this number in your phone,” he laughed as if it were a joke to him how I was reacting.
“No, Jay. You don’t just disappear on me like that. You got paid Friday so why did it take you a whole other five days to fucking call me with the number?” My voice rose right along with my temperature. “See, that’s that shit I’m talking about. I don’t like for motherfuckas to be playing games with me and you know that.”
“Playing games? Angel, you’re fucking married. And, to my brother of all people with no sign of divorcing him in sight. So who’s the real motherfucka playing games girl?” He checked me real quickly. “As a matter of fact, where is your husband?”
“Baby don’t yell at me. I’ve just been missing you. That’s all,” I explained. “He’s in the living room. And?”
“This, us being apart, was probably for the best though. You know what I'm saying? We needed a break from each other cause shit was getting too heavy.”
“I don’t want it to end, Jay, and that’s what it seems like you’re trying to do. Fuck all the excuses. If this is your way of trying to end it just let me know now. I’m a grown ass woman.” Tears flowed from my eyes even though I was trying to be strong.
“Angel, I don’t want to end this. I just figured it was good for us to break for a little while. You know, cause we was playing it to close with my bro coming home and damn near catching us so many times.”
“It was like three times, Jay. And, so what if he did find out? I’m starting to fall in love with you baby.” It was the truth.
I was beginning to lose all sense of things that were good and right and fall head over heels in love with Jay. I knew what I had at home and I knew what I risked losing. But after being away from him for so long, none of that shit mattered anymore. I needed Jay. He was my fix, a drug that I needed on a daily basis to keep me sane. His love was worth going back to my old life and having to live with less than what I had now. To me, it would be worth it to wake up next to the person I truly loved.
“Angel, let me call you back girl. I’ve gotta go back to work.” He completely blew off what I had just said.
“Baby, we need to talk about us though.”
“I know and we will. But right now I’ve gotta go shawty.”
As I turned the car around headed back for the house, I hung up the phone feeling giddy from the butterflies he had just given me. All I could think about was the lengthy text message I was prepared to send to him. He wasn’t getting off that easy. I wanted to hear him say he loved me back. His love was the verification I needed to assure me that I was doing the right thing. My feelings were on the line and there was no way he was going to disregard them so easily like they didn’t matter.
Vega
“Hey baby. Can you come in here for a second?” I didn’t even wait for her to respond.
I put my hand in Angel’s and lured her from the kitchen to the couch before she could protest. Taking a seat I guided her waist down onto mine forcing her onto her knees facing me. The expression on her face alerted me to her disgust but I was determined to get her in the right frame of mind. I turned my ringer off on my phone and told the attending physician on duty that I wouldn’t be available for at least two hours. It was the only way I could give my baby a little bit of my time. She deserved it even if I didn’t deserve her.
“Vega, what is the meaning of all this? What are you doing?” Angel rolled her eyes.
“I’m giving you my undivided attention. I’m all yours,” I smiled kissing a trail from her lips down to her breasts.
“Oh really? And, for how long is this for?”
She was clearly nitpicking but I wasn’t going to allow her to ruin the mood. Rather than answer her, I removed the t-shirt from her body with the black lace bra to follow. Gripping her juicy ass cheek with one hand and cupping one of her tits with the other, I inserted her tiny black nipple into my mouth. Sucking gently, I looked up out of one eye to see if she was enjoying my efforts. Her facial expression was solemn.
“What’s wrong baby? You don’t love me anymore?” I whispered softly.
“We haven’t been good in a long time, Vega. Now you come over here trying to be nice and spend time with me and shit? One day is not going to fix what’s wrong in this marriage, Vega.” Her attitude was off the meter as her face curled up into anger.
“I know that baby. But I’m trying to make things right as best as I can. I know I haven’t been the perfect husband but I’ve damn sure been trying. You’ve gotta give me some kind of credit for that.” I buried my head in her chest praying for forgiveness.
“It’s not that simple. I have wants and needs that you haven’t been fulfilling for an entire fucking year. You’ve been working at that dumb ass job so much that you forgot all about your poor wife stuck at home doing shit," She hollered.
“Well you could always find you something to do, Angel. Take up a class or get a job somewhere until we get pregnant. I told you that you didn’t have to work once the baby came. You’re the one who chose to just quit everything you were doing all together and sit at home.” Slowly I was becoming aggravated as she tried to pin all of our problems on me.
“Fuck that. A baby? Eh, and you can’t even seem to do that fucking shit right. You’re right. I do need to find something to do. Maybe I’ll just do that,” she paused placing her hands on her hips. “Maybe I’ll just go find someone who can fulfill my needs until my husband decides what’s more important to him.”
“What?” I could feel steam exit my nose like a bull. “What did you just say to me?”
“Ugh, you heard what the fuck I said. You ain’t shit. That’s basically what the fuck I said. You. Ain’t. Shit.”
“It’s just always about you. Huh? It’s always about Angel and what the fuck Angel wants. Angel doesn’t have a problem spending all my damn money though while I’m working so damn hard. But Angel’s needs aren’t met, though.”
“No, they’re not. The fuck? A purse and some shoes can’t give me affection, Vega.” She crossed her arms as her lips puckered and pouted. It was so cute the way she got mad. Even in an argument, I couldn’t totally be mad at her the way I wanted to.
“Shit, you could damn sure fool the hell out of me from the way you be spending. And, I’ve been trying to fulfill all of those for you,” I sighed realizing I’ve let this shit go on for too long. “Listen, I think that all we need to do is get our baby and then we’ll be good again. I know it.”
“Here you with this baby shit again. Veg
a, us having a baby right now isn’t going to do anything but make this shit between us even worse.” Angel rose from my lap despite my attempts to keep her there. “No. I can’t be near you right now.”
She stormed upstairs and out of sight. I leaned back into the softness of the couch wondering how the hell I allowed my marriage to get so fucked up. All of the money in the world wasn’t going to be able to keep her happy and I knew it. Scaling back on work would be difficult but it was the only thing that was going to make her happy. She needed more of me, more of my time and I had to give it to her to keep her from leaving me. I loved her and it was high time I showed it. I needed to prove that and being the caring devoted wife that she was she deserved it.
Violet: Hey you.
Me: Hey wassup.
Violet: You. That joke you sent me earlier was so funny. When can I see you again? I loved the lunch date last week.
Me: It was the hospital cafeteria though. It was nothing spectacular.
Violet: So, I still loved it. So when can I see you again sexy?
Me: I don't know. I'm usually very busy.
What I should have been texting this young girl back was that I was married. I shouldn't have been texting her everyday for an entire week. I should have been explaining to her that it was a mistake with me giving her my private cell number and that if it wasn't medically related, we shouldn't be talking. But I didn't.
For some reason, I didn't feel the need to tell her. I didn't know if it was my frustration with how things were going with Angel but I liked the attention I was getting from Violet. She made me feel wanted and needed. She made me feel younger and desirable and every time I spoke to her, my dick jumped in my jeans a little.
Violet: Well after all the stress you say you’re going through at work, I would love to be the one to relieve you of some of that.
Me: Some, huh? Why not all?
Violet: Because some men need a certain level of stress in order to be strong for us women. Nothing like a strong man who can provide for me.
Me: Is that right? So you’re looking for a provider huh?
Violet: Among other things. Know any good sexy successful men who are ready to spoil a chick like me? I know a bad bitch who is ready for you.
My fingers continued to text her as a sly grin slid across my face. She seemed to be all into me and interested in what I had to say. We talked about a lot at lunch the other day. Having sat there for a full two hours, we talked as if we were catching up on old times. Though she was young she spoke like she was wise beyond her years. It was easy to connect with her. It felt good to talk to a woman who wasn't scowling at me all the time or who didn't spit on the ground I walked on.
“Hey, what’s up bro?” I said putting the phone to my ear as I hit the answer button on my ringing cell.
“Man, this bitch is trying to fucking ruin me, man. I mean this bitch is fucking crazy,” Adrial blazed through the phone.
“Wait, wait. Slow down. Which one of your chicks are you talking about? Hell, you've got so many I've lost count now.”
“Vega, the little young bitch at the school I told you about man. She’s trying to ruin my damn marriage, my career, shit every fucking thing dude. What the fuck am I going to do?” From the way he was screaming, I could tell calming him down was not going to work.
“Bro, just take a breath for a second. Now, I hate to be the barer of bad news but I told you to quit fucking with all these women on your wife dude. Hell you could barely keep up with who was who.” If felt good to finally be able to tell him that rather than pacify his feelings with praise. I wanted to every time he mentioned the great times he had with all of his side freaks. “Now tell me what happened.”
Before he could get it out, I could hear him arguing in the background with his wife. It sounded as if she was throwing his shit on the front lawn as she yelled at him. The sad part about it was that I didn’t blame her. She had been with him twelve years, married for six, and always put up with his cheating taking him back each time. She knew that he had the potential to be a good man but he was trapped in his youth not wanting to let go of his glory playa days. He never wanted to grow up and for that he was definitely paying for it.
“Man bro, how long did you think she was going to put up with that shit?” I asked trying to holler into the phone so he could pay attention and hear me.
“Baby, baby, stop throwing my fucking shit and let me talk to you,” Adrial paused. “Aye, aye Vega, lemme call you right back.”
He hung up before I could even respond.
Mika
“Ox you know I’m a small time bitch. So this will be my last run with you. I can’t keep doing this shit and risk losing my baby.” Mistakenly, I snatched the zip lock bag he handed me full of Loud. I wasn't trying to snatch from him but I was angry at the thought of what I was doing. "Sorry. But I'm just gonna have to find a better way next time."
“Aye, don’t get mad at me lady. It’s your dude who doesn’t have the balls to take care of his family like a real nigga would.” His eyes glazed over as he stared up at me, blowing smoke from his blunt.
He crossed his legs and leaned back against the couch extending his arms on top of the length of it. The blunt burned in his hand as ashes fell to the cushion but he kept his eyes locked in on mine not even giving a fuck. His dark chocolate skin looked as smooth as silk in the sunlight.
Ox was the same height as me, slightly muscular and always kept his hair in a low cut connected with a thin beard. He kept his gear as fresh as his bald fade. His eyes were small and beady, which made him look like he was always squinting at people. It made him look like he didn’t believe a word anyone said.
Secretly, I was drawn to him. He gave a certain persona that I envied. I didn’t know if it was the way he looked at me whenever I came through or if it was the wisdom he spat when we spoke. But whatever it was had my stomach fluttering every time I saw him. The more it churned the more I figured he could never go for a bum bitch like me. I mean, who wanted an out of shape bitch with low self esteem on their arm? It was best to just do my job and keep my head down, not making too much eye contact.
“Yeah, I know. He told me to tell you hi, though.”
“Speesh. Ah, fuck that nigga. He only calls me when he wants something. Whack ass dude.”
“Hmm. Well if he asks you just let him know that I told you.” I headed for the front door.
“You know it was me who told David you wasn’t serving no crack though, right?” He called after.
“Huh? I told him that I didn’t want to sell anything so harsh. I would get time for sure for so much crack if I was ever caught. But judges are usually lenient on weed for first timers.”
“Naw baby girl. He kept pushin’ the issue. I was the one that told him I wasn’t trusting you with that kind of shit. I told him niggas were quick to rob a female serving crack than weed.” Ox shook his head at me knowing deep down inside I knew he would never lie about something like that. "So he figured he'd keep a low profile and just cop the green."
Apart of me wished he hadn’t been telling the truth though. The constant slaps in the face about the reality of the man I loved crushed my soul. He was the father to my son. How could he be anything but my air? Determination to keep my family together and the love I had for him for who he used to be was all that I was working off of. Love is a hard thing to let go of and will have you doing the wildest shit.
“But I’m gonna tell you baby girl, I’m soft on you. You feel me? So that's why I've decided to let you keep my portion of the money you were going to bring back to me. You keep that.” Ox blew a heavy cloud of smoke in my direction.
“Huh? No, Ox, I could never do that. I can’t pay you back that money—“
“Naw, naw. You’re not hearing me. You keep that money to save. And, even after you’ve sold all you need to you can keep coming back for more. Just get all the money you need.” He waved his hand at me like the money meant nothing to him.
Confu
sion bled down my face instantly. “Why…why would you do that for me?”
“So you can take that money to save up and get the fuck away from that nigga. Take your baby get the fuck from around him, man. He ain’t been shit and ain't never gonna be shit for you, baby girl,” he paused snarling seemingly like he was gathering his thoughts. “Yeah, that nigga ain’t shit. A woman like you deserves someone who’s gonna eat that pussy good then beat it up until you pass out.”
I couldn’t believe the words that I was hearing. Ox stared deeply into my eyes, not flinching an inch. He folded his hands in front of him resting his elbows on his knees as the blunt hung from his lips. He meant exactly what he said and he wasn’t backing down from it either. It was scary and hot all at the same time. My heart pumped a mile a minute and my palms grew sweaty as hell. I felt like I couldn’t speak but as I snapped my thoughts back to reality, something inside of me said that was my cue to leave.
“Thank you, Ox. Thank you," I responded pretending to ignore the last thing he said as I skirted out the door. "I really appreciate you looking out for me on the money side."
“Aye, remember what I said Mika,” he called after.
Thursday, May 31 st, 2012
Violet
Making the last few clicks of the mouse, I officially dropped all of my classes for rest of the semester. I couldn’t keep going to class knowing that everyone expected me not to due to what happened. Besides, Adrial had been put on Unpaid Administrative Leave until further notice pending investigation. Every time I thought about it I cracked the fuck up. Fuck him. Some men need to learn not to fuck with a woman’s heart.
