All for You

by Christi Barth

  Casey jumped. Some internal organ that was probably super important slammed straight up out of her chest to clog her throat. She tried to slam the journal shut, but his wide hand got there first, pinning it open on her thighs.

  “Oh no, you don’t.” He leaned further over her shoulder to read her entry. Combined with what he’d obviously overheard? The secret she’d so painfully kept from him for close to two decades was definitely out of the bag.

  What should she say? What could she say? Maybe he was just surprised, and not really angry? Waiting for him to talk first seemed like a good plan. Oh, wait...remembering to breathe seemed like a better plan. Casey did the same surprised gasp as when she woke up from a nap. And wished with all her heart that maybe she was waking up and Ward’s discovery was just a dream. Of all the people to wander by right now, why’d it have to be him?

  He came around the bench. Planted his feet wide and hooked his thumbs into the loops at the waist of his black shorts. “What the fuck, Acacia?”

  Okay, number one—definitely not a dream. Number two—Ward was definitely angry. Number three—his use of her full name scared her to death. The last time he’d used it was when she accidentally backed over his bike the day she got her license. Also the day Dawn snatched away her freshly minted license for a month as punishment. Casey had felt horrible on several levels. But she feared today would be worse.

  “Do you want to be more specific?” she joked weakly.

  “Aren’t we best friends?”

  Casey hadn’t expected him to start with such a softball. “Of course.”

  “Didn’t we cut our palms and swear a blood oath to be best friends?”

  She’d been twelve that day. Jittery with nerves. Overwhelmed at her core that these three people cared enough to promise to be her friend forever. Ready with a clump of moss for each of them to staunch the bleeding, even though they’d barely drawn a pinprick of blood. “Yes.”

  Angling forward from his hips, Ward braced himself on the back of the bench. It put his face inches away from hers. “What exactly did we swear that day?”

  Uh oh. She knew the answer all too well. Every year, the four of them got back together to renew the oath. Well, except for the time Ward had been gone, but Ella, Piper and Casey still kept up the tradition. Dialed him back in once he returned to town despite the glacier between he and Piper. Only one part of the ritual had changed over all this time. Instead of repricking their fingers, they stood in a circle with beers to toast to their friendship while they recited the words.

  Saying them now would only dig her deeper. Still, all Casey could do was answer him. “I solemnly swear, on my blood and from my heart, to be your best friend forever. To defend you in fights. To always stick up for you to others, even when you’re wrong. I promise never to lie to you. I promise to share my deepest, darkest secrets and not laugh at yours.”

  “Let’s be clear about this. You haven’t just been lying to me, to all of us, for a while now. No, you’ve been lying since the start.”

  Casey teetered on the brink of another lie. It’d be so easy. Maybe make the fight end faster. But that close, she didn’t just see the tight, angry line of his mouth. Or his frown. She could see the pain in Ward’s blue eyes. Pain she’d caused. And she never wanted to do it again. Better to get it all over with at once. “Not to all of you,” she whispered.

  He pushed off the bench. Whirled away to face the sparkling expanse of the lake. And said not a word.

  She tightened her hands around the leather cover of the journal. “I’m sorry. I hated keeping this from you.” No response. “I didn’t tell anybody. Dawn made me promise. She said it was the only way to keep both of us safe. I was petrified of getting dragged back there. I had nightmares about it for years. That’s why I never went on the camping trips or sleepovers with you guys until I was in high school. Dawn couldn’t risk me waking up screaming about the cult.”

  “So it is true. You’re the child the whole world’s been looking for, the one who disappeared when that crazy cult broke up.”

  “Yes.”

  “This is about that journal entry Zane read, isn’t it?”

  She’d tell him every last bit. Everything she knew, anyway. Casey talked fast, to get it all out. “Right after my father and I disappeared, Dawn’s dad got sick. Cancer. She had to come back here to take over the store. Searching for me seemed impossible. But then she went to a town meeting and asked for help. There was a unanimous vote. A hat got passed. Basically everyone gave money and agreed to pitch in to keep Cosgroves running. And promised to keep the secret.”

  A muscle along his jaw tightened. “So my parents knew?”

  “I think so. Probably.” Casey threw up her hands. This was a sticking point that had frustrated her for years. “I don’t know for sure who was there and who wasn’t. Dawn won’t tell me. She claims it’s better to leave it all in the past. You know the meetings are practically a social event. Mostly the whole town shows up. But just adults. They knew it was too risky to tell the kids. If you weren’t in town hall that night, you never found out. Period.”

  Ward pointed a finger straight at her heart. “But eventually you told someone? Not me, though.”

  “It was college, when you were gone. Spring break. Somebody slipped I don’t even know what drug into my drink. I got really sick. Ella and Piper almost took me to the hospital. Then I started babbling about the Sunshine Seekers. Something about the drug triggered a flashback. It all came pouring out.” Her own memories of that night were a blur. Mostly images of the cracked tile around the toilet she’d curled around. “They decided to keep me in the hotel room, to protect me. They took care of me. When I finally shook off the effects, we talked about it. Once. Never again.”

  “So they’ve been lying to me, too.”

  “I made them promise, Ward. It wasn’t their secret to give up. You can’t blame them. Please, don’t be angry with Piper and Ella. Not about this.”

  He gave a sharp nod that cracked his neck. “Fine. This is between you and me. Why didn’t you tell me? After they found out? Why not dial me in? The three of you never excluded me. From anything. Not even the girly stuff I didn’t want to know. You told me when you first got your period, for fuck’s sake.”

  Yep. His reaction was just as bad as she’d always feared. And rightfully so. Ward had every right to be pissed at her. “If it was just about me, I think I would have. But if we’re found, Dawn could go to jail. After saving me, giving me a life, giving up everything—her payback might be being locked up. So no, I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to up the risk of discovery by even one more person. Not even though I trust you with my whole heart. And all the other people in town who know the truth, who helped her? They’d be implicated as accomplices if they ever spilled the truth, which guarantees their silence.”

  Finally, he turned around. The rasp of his palm across his beard was overly loud in the small clearing. “Was it at least hard for you to lie to me? Did you feel bad?”

  God. “Yes. It hurt like I’d ripped out a chunk of my heart every time.”

  “Good. Then you know how I feel right now.” His long legs ate up the path up to the road.

  Casey ran after him. “Ward, wait.” She grabbed for his back, but only snagged the edge of his black T-shirt. At least he stopped.

  “There’s two sides of my brain fighting right now, Acacia. One side totally gets why you hid this. Is still reeling with imagining how bad it must’ve been for you. How hard you must’ve struggled to get past it.” Ward yanked his sleeve from her grasp and turned around. “The other side of my brain goes all caveman. Wants to throw you over my knees and spank you for being a bad friend. For hurting me. For not trusting me enough, no matter how you spin it.”

  “I do. I’m so, so sorry. I just—”

  Ward laid his palm across her mouth, cu
tting her off. “I know. I get it. Honest. Don’t worry—I’ll keep your secret. But I’m mad at you. Pissed off. So I need to go, lick my wounds. Get over this without you jabbering at me anymore. I need time.”

  She nodded. Wrapped her hands around his thick wrist to pull it down, off her chin. “Can I apologize again?”

  “That’d make you feel better, not me.” And he strode off, across the road to his truck. Peeled out so fast that gravel sprayed.

  That went...like crap. She dropped onto the bench with a sigh. Over the years, when Casey tried to figure out if she should tell him or not, she’d imagined how it would go down. None of her scenarios had ever been quite this bad. Sort of ironic, since she was so relieved to finally have the truth out in the open with him. Casey didn’t think their friendship was irreparably broken. But there was a good chance it’d never be the same.

  Chapter Nine

  Ella dumped a grocery bag onto the puffy green coverlet. Tops and dresses tumbled out. “I don’t understand why we had to bring you clothes.”

  “I don’t understand how you can deal with still having these dust traps all around you.” Piper batted at the sheer draperies that pooled from the ceiling all around Casey’s bed. “How do you not get twisted up in them?”

  “Practice,” said Casey as she unerringly stuck her hand through the slit and draped one side around the tall poster at the end of the bed. Her friends had teased her relentlessly for years about the fairy bower theme to her bedroom. Casey didn’t care. It made her happy. The floor lamp fashioned out of tree branches, the forest mural painted across the walls, and the gauzy, draped curtains gave her both the illusion of safety and escape all at the same time. Because that’s what the forest represented to her. The complete opposite of all those awful months spent in the desert. “And I need the clothes for my date.” Along with being a handy excuse that dragged them both over here so she could tell them about her fight with Ward.

  Piper paused, her duffel bag half-unzipped. “Then I brought the wrong things. I thought you told us you wanted to borrow our unsexiest clothes. I figured you were meeting with your accountant or something.”

  “My guess was that you were going along to support Dawn when she met with the town lawyer to talk about embezzlement,” Ella added as she ran her fingers along the fluted edges of the silk tulip bulbs on the other floor lamp. Ella liked to touch everything. Maybe it came from touching people all day as a masseuse?

  Right. Because everyone begged their friends for clothes to meet with lawyers. Hands on her hips, Casey challenged, “On a Saturday night?”

  “Crime doesn’t punch a time card,” Ella intoned solemnly.

  “You sound like a comic book. Look, I’m going out with Pierce. On our regular monthly dinner that’s gotten rescheduled three times already. We’ll talk about kayaking and the hottest new tent designs and all that outdoor stuff you guys refuse to discuss with me. And it’ll be a strictly hands-off evening.”

  “Easy. If all you need is an outfit that doubles as a chastity belt, stay in your ranger garb,” said Piper with the same, disapproving smirk she always wore when mentioning Casey’s uniform.

  “Uniform,” Casey corrected. And then launched into the same argument she always made. “As in mandatory for my job. As in I’ve got no choice about wearing it, so maybe lay off the perma-loop about how ugly it is?” Her hands slapped at her shorts. Were they high fashion, or even a little cute? No. Highwaisted mom shorts at best. But she’d managed to snag Zane’s eye while wearing them, so they couldn’t be all bad.

  “Nope. I’d pay for you to go back to school and get another degree in a field where they don’t mandate clothes that are only appropriate for a Yogi Bear episode.” She grabbed the regulation Forest Service hat from the bed and sailed it across the room like a Frisbee. “Until then, I mock.”

  “Ah, about Pierce?” Ella was doing her usual peacekeeping thing. “You’ve done that before with him. Cut him off, I mean. You guys seesaw in and out of each other’s beds.”

  Right. It used to be that simple. Now Casey wasn’t so sure. “Well, I have to make sure he gets the message this time around. Loud and clear. Like I’m holding a megaphone to his crotch loud.”

  “Is there a no-sex signal? How do you usually do it?” asked Piper as she removed each meticulously folded item from the duffel.

  Ella bounced onto the bed, then tucked her toes in cross-legged beneath the frayed edges of her cut-offs. “Ooh, good point. We’ve never asked before. Now I’m curious. It’s not like you come right out and tell him that you’ve found someone hotter, and you’ll get back to him in four to six weeks, right? Do you?”

  Her friends could be real pains in the butt. Casey slung an elbow around the poster at the foot of the bed and hung off of it in a triangle shape. “No.”

  And it was never about finding someone hotter. She and Pierce were friends who occasionally scratched a sexual itch with each other. They were not boyfriend/girlfriend material who dropped each other when a more likely hottie appeared. Their relationship was wholly a friendship. Just a friendship with a few orgasms tossed in. There’d never been a real spark between them. Never. Not once. At least, that’s what she’d thought until Pierce had gone all possessive when he saw her with Zane. Now Casey didn’t know what to think.

  “Do you make a production out of ordering onion rings at dinner?” With a wicked grin, Piper added, “Remove the condom from over the doorknob of your bedroom?”

  “You guys aren’t nearly as funny as you think you are.”

  A stack of sleeveless mock turtlenecks plopped onto the bed as Piper threw her hands up in the air. “And you’re more serious than you ought to be. Why is this suddenly a full-scale production that has to be staged and costumed like a high school performance of...wait...what’s a musical where there’s no sex?”

  “Musicals all lead to sex. They’re about love and marriage happily ever afters, which definitely includes sex.” Ella got a dreamy, far-off look in her eyes. She did that a lot now that she and Gray were engaged. If Casey wasn’t so happy for her, it’d be annoying.

  “The way Pierce acted at the party the other night, it was... He pulled this totally caveman stuff and aimed it right at Zane. It was as if he was trying to let Zane know that we’ve been, well, in bed together. Seriously, if he’d lifted his leg and peed on me it wouldn’t have been any more obvious.” She’d been mortified. And pissed off. Not to mention thoroughly confused as to what prompted the display of idiocy.

  “That’s bold for Pierce,” commented Piper. “Surprising.”

  Ella tightened the knot of her grape-green Mayhew Manor tee at her waist. “Did Zane pick up on what was going on? Did he ask what the deal was with Pierce?”

  “No.” Come to think of it, why hadn’t he? Her professor was an expert at picking up on body language and tonality changes and interpersonal clues. Or so he’d told her. How could he have missed Pierce’s display? Or maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he hadn’t said anything because he was fine with just being casual. Hmmm. Casey wasn’t at all sure how she felt about that.

  “Did you tell him anyway?”

  “God, no.” Casey hugged herself to hide the shudder that ran through her at the mere possibility of so much awkwardness. “It’s none of his business. We haven’t talked about being exclusive.” Even though she sort of felt that way about Zane, which is why she was turning herself in knots trying to be sure tonight was not a date. Which should be simple. At least half the time, maybe more, that she got together with Pierce, it was just a friendly dinner. Or hike. Or afternoon fishing. Totally sex-free. Because there was nothing less sexy than hands that stunk of freshly caught trout. “As far as Pierce goes, I’m officially a free agent. I shouldn’t have to discuss it with anyone.”

  Ella’s mouth dropped open. “Except us, I hope.”

  Casey reached over
to pat her hand. “Naturally.”

  “So instead of doing whatever your usual the candy shop is closed song and dance may be, you want to hammer the point home to him by looking so dowdy that Pierce wouldn’t want to have sex with you?”

  When Piper said it out loud like that, Casey’s plan sounded less realistic. Less mature. “That’s my big plan. Yes.”

  Piper swished her long, blush-colored waterfall skirt and swayed from side to side. “Because you want to have sex with Zane,” she said in a sing-song-y voice.

  Closing her eyes in an extra-long blink to indulge in remembering the hard planes of his naked pecs, Casey said, “That’s my other big plan.”

  “I approve of that one. This rigamarole with Pierce, well, you know I haven’t understood it from day one. But there’s no point picking at the past.”

  “Thanks. I’ve done that enough this week.”

  “Why? What happened?” They crowded her onto the bed, arms haphazardly tossed around her waist and shoulders in immediate comfort.

  It was exactly what Casey needed...to push her emotions over the edge. The tears she’d been holding back all night welled at the corners of her eyes. “Ward and I had a huge fight.”

  Piper blew a wet raspberry. “Case, you know Ward’s more than capable of sticking his foot in his mouth on a good day. We’ll get him to apologize.”

  A frantic head shake, which would serve the dual purpose of hopefully clearing the tears out. “He doesn’t need to apologize. I do. I mean, I did already. A bunch of times. He didn’t accept my apology.” From the looks of it, he hadn’t been anywhere near forgiving her, either.

  “I’m confused. How is that big lunk not at fault?”

  “Because he found out the truth—at least some of it—about my past.” She waited until they both cycled through their memories beyond crazy high school stories to make the connection to the time in her past of which they never spoke. Ella gasped. Piper rounded her mouth into a soundless O. Yup, there it was. Casey continued. “Ward knows I lied to him for all these years. I hurt him terribly.” A couple of beats of silence. The only sound in the room was the faint tinkle of wind chimes coming from outside her window.