Unfiltered & Unraveled

by Payge Galvin

  Dear Violet,

  I know making amends is part of the program, so you had to write that letter, and I know that you really meant your apology. But I can’t help thinking that if either of us needs to make amends, it’s me. I’ve been the hurricane tossing chaos—and the occasional felony—into your life almost since the moment we met, and I’m so sorry for that.

  A lot has changed for me (for the better) since I last saw you, and that is thanks, in no small part, to your absence, which has finally forced me to stand on my own two feet.

  The other half of the credit goes to Noah, who’s helped me understand that alcohol was never really my problem. Drinking was just a symptom of an underlying issue, and since I’ve begun addressing the real problem, I’m not even craving alcohol!

  (I can’t wait for you to meet Noah, by the way!)

  Having said all of that, while time apart has helped me, your absence has also made my heart grow fonder, and I can’t wait to see you again. And not just because my new seafoam leather stilettos would really look much better with your cream-colored silk shell than my off-white one. Although while we’re on the subject, I have a new handbag that would look great with that blouse, if you’re in the mood to accessorize when you’re done dressing like an in-patient.

  Three weeks and counting, baby! If you’ve been wearing slippers, burn them on your way out the door. I’ll bring the matches.

  Love and misdemeanors,

  Allie

  I sniffed, pressing the letter to my chest and wiping at my wet cheeks before Mick could see them. Allie wasn’t angry with me. There must have been some other reason for her avoiding me on her visit. She was healthier. I could tell, just from the clarity of her thoughts in the letter. She was getting help, help that wasn’t doled out or hindered by me. That was a huge step in the right direction.

  I didn’t know what sort of relationship I would have with my parents when I got out of New Beginnings, but Allie had been right all along. I would always have her.

  Suddenly, I frowned and snapped the letter open to search for a paragraph I’d skimmed too quickly.

  Who the hell was Noah?

  ‡

  After Allie’s letter, I expected to be so much happier in the last few days at the center. But between the loss of Cam and the loss of my horse, there just weren’t many bright spots. Cynda was getting worried about my glum, “going through the motions” attitude. She actually wore clothes all of the time and offered to help me with my hair and skin regimen. She was painting my toe nails when one of the desk nurses who didn’t hate my guts knocked on our door and poked her head in.

  “Violet, there’s a call for you. Normally, we don’t allow unscheduled phone time, but since you haven’t used any of your phone time for two weeks, we’ll make an exception this once.”

  I rushed to the phone carrels, trying to determine who I wanted to hear from more, Cam or Allie. I barely registered Dan’s presence as he hot-footed it down the hall behind me. But when I picked up the receiver, I didn’t hear the voice of my best friend or my illicit lover.

  “Violet?” I smiled, despite my mother’s clipped, cold tone. She called me! She cared enough to call. Maybe I was wrong before. Maybe my mother cared about me a little more than I gave her credit for--

  “Young lady, what do you mean, sending a man here to talk to us about you? Dragging up your health issues here at our place of business?”

  Damn it.

  I felt stupid and foolish all over again. My mother didn’t want to talk to me. She was annoyed with me about… something.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “That counselor from the center, he came by here earlier today to tell us that you were hurt and disappointed in us for not coming to visit you. How dare you embarrass us like that? Whining and moaning to some stranger about not getting enough attention from us? What will people think?”

  I wasn’t sure which to process first, the fact that Cameron had gone to see my parents to tell them how much their indifference hurt me, or the fact that my mother was angry with me for having feelings. Since I couldn’t yell at Cam, I was going to have to settle for yelling at my mother.

  “You haven’t even bothered calling while I’ve been here, Mom. Did you really want me to get ‘help’ for a problem I’m pretty sure you know I don’t have, or did you just want to get rid of me for a month? Long enough for everybody to forget about me and the embarrassment I caused?”

  “Well, why would I come to that place to see you? I know that you’re fine,” she sniffed.

  “You could come to see me because I’m your daughter and you care about how I’m doing. Because I might need to see a friendly face in a building full of strangers. What is wrong with you?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with me, Violet. I’m not the one in rehab.”

  “I don’t belong here, Mom. And we both know it. You only sent me here to appease Dad.”

  “You know how important your father’s image is to him. You tried to take that away from him.”

  “I didn’t try to do anything. I made a mistake, what would be considered a normal, growing pains sort of mistake for most people my age. But I’m not allowed to be normal. I’m not allowed to make mistakes.”

  “We’re not wrong to have standards, Violet.”

  “No, but you’re wrong to love those standards more than you love your daughter.”

  “Is this what you’re learning in that place? To be hateful and rude to your parents? To forget your place and what you owe us? Stop being ridiculous, Violet. If you want to continue to be welcomed in this family you know what you have to do.”

  “Well, maybe I won’t contact you after I get out of here. How about that? Maybe I don’t need you to help me finish school. Maybe I can go back and get a degree in something I actually want to study, instead of what you told me I should. Maybe I don’t need you. And if that means I’m no longer part of the family, that’s a decision you’re going to have to live with, not me. MY conscience is clear.”

  “I can’t believe you’re saying that, after all we’ve done for you, all of the time we have invested in you, the money spent on your education. It’s all been wasted on an ungrateful, selfish little girl who doesn’t think of her family first. Shame on you, Violet, for squandering what we’ve spent on you.”

  “Well, send me a bill, Mother.”

  I slammed the phone on its cradle and screamed loud enough that I was afraid the glass door would shatter. It didn’t matter, I told myself. I didn’t need them. I had people that loved me, even when I screwed up. And even if I didn’t have those loved ones to fall back on, it would be better to be alone than to put up with this bullshit.

  I used to make excuses for them. I told myself they weren’t raised in touchy-feely families. They’d had to learn to compartmentalize their feelings because of their work. But now, I realized, they were just assholes. They weren’t nice people. And other than providing me with a roof over my head and food on the table, they hadn’t provided me with the things a kid needs. Just because we shared a gene pool didn’t mean I had to keep running back to them when they acted like this. Maybe they needed to know what it was like not to be able to count on me.

  Chapter 17

  For the first time in my life, I had no idea what was going to happen to me.

  It was my last morning at New Beginnings. My bag was packed. My purse and phone had been returned to me. I had about three hundred Facebook updates to deal with. I had chosen not to hit the Facebook “check in” button for New Beginnings. Allie had texted me, asking me to call her, but when I called back, it went straight to voicemail.

  It felt oddly empty to be leaving without Cam being there. Like I should come back later and have a rehab graduation do-over if and when he was ever re-hired. But really, I didn’t think I wanted to come back to rehab. Ever.

  I didn’t know where to go once I left the recovery center. I doubted very much I’d be welcome back in my parents’ home, afte
r my phone call with my mom. And even if I was, I didn’t think I’d want to be.

  I knew Allie would let me crash at her place. But I think we’d just established a healthy dynamic between the two of us. I didn’t want to mess that up now by living together and getting all enmeshed again.

  I could call Cam and spend the next three days in a naked haze. It would be easy – hell, it would be downright awesome – to hand my whole life over to him and let him figure out what I should do. He was older and wiser, and he knew a lot more about this whole emotional recovery than I did. But I didn’t want easy. I didn’t need easy. I needed to earn it.

  I thought it would be better if I lived on my own for a little while, even if it meant living in the dorms or some crappy studio apartment near campus. I was going to pay whatever was left of my rehab bill after Allie’s deposit. I knew the money I might have leftover wouldn’t launch me into a life of luxury, but it would be enough to help me live like a self-sufficient grown-up. The “transition services” office at New Beginnings had already put me in touch with student housing and given me a list of short-term rentals near campus that I could afford. And I talked to my advisor about the possibility of adding some extra botany and chemistry classes to my schedule. It would take me a few extra semesters to graduate, but at least I would study what I liked. I would be able to set my own rules and figure out if I was any good at making them for myself.

  “You’re weird,” I told Cynda. “You have no boundaries. And I’m pretty sure you ate the last of my Swedish Fish. But I’m going to miss you.”

  I presented Cynda with a gift bag. She smiled goofily as she pulled out a long-sleeved NEW BEGINNINGS t-shirt and yoga pants from the gift shop. “For your next roommate. Do her a favor, learn to live with pajamas.”

  “Where’s the fun in that?” she scoffed, pulling me into her arms. “I’ll miss you. Of all my roommates, you lasted the longest.”

  “I’ll miss you, too,” I said, hugging her. “When do you think you might be leaving?”

  “Eh, I could have left months ago, I just like it here. And I figure, as long as the producers are footing the bill, I might as well enjoy myself.”

  I stared at her, eyes the size of saucers. But I managed not to let my mouth hang open like one of those Scream masks.

  “Write to me? I could use some sober, non-industry friends.”

  I smiled, and gave her one last big squeeze. “You can count on it.”

  I lugged my bag down the stairs to the main floor. I had to get used to doing stuff on my own again. I wouldn’t have a staff at home scrambling to do my bidding. I would really miss having a staff scrambling to do my bidding.

  I stopped outside the financial aid office and took a deep breath. This was the part I’d dreaded. This was the day when all of those late-night ice cream charges from the snack bar were going to catch up with me.

  Now that my wallet had been returned to me, I had the checkbook for the money market account I’d opened for my illicit drug money. I dragged it out of my purse and sighed, mentally waving bye-bye to my ill-gotten financial cushion. Kim, who somehow managed to handle billing for the facility without being threatened by the patients, gave me a big smile as I walked through the door.

  “Hi Kim, I’m checking out today, so I need to settle up my bill.”

  “Oh, no, Miss Laswell, your bill’s already been paid,” Kim informed me, pulling a file out of her desk with my name on it. She slid paperwork across the desk marked, “PAID IN FULL” in big red letters.

  Allie.

  Allie must have come by and paid the balance on my bill while she was visiting that other girl. Damn it, Allie. I loved her for it, but how was I supposed to learn not to be co-dependent if she was cleaning up my messes for me? Irony, you cruel mistress.

  “The girl who came in with me on the day I was brought in?” I asked. “Allie Daniels? Is she the one who paid it off?”

  Kim’s brow furrowed and she shook her head. “No, the person who paid requested that I keep his name confidential.”

  I froze, eyebrow lifted.

  His name?

  I stared at Kim, and Kim stared back, her big Kewpie doll eyes all blue and guileless. Thank God, she had no poker face.

  “Cam paid off my balance?”

  “I can’t tell you,” she said, while nodding her head.

  My mouth fell open, and I dropped my checkbook to the carpet. I didn’t know how to feel about that. I didn’t want Cam to feel like he had to pay for stuff for me. I didn’t want to feel obligated to him.

  Then again, Cam came from a family of millionaires, and I had a measly hundred thousand dollars in the bank. And having the money in my account meant that my parents had less control over me. Pride was going to lose out on this one.

  “Good luck, honey,” Kim whispered, tucking my bill and exit paperwork into a pretty blue leatherette New Beginnings folder. “We’re all pulling for you.”

  “But,” I glanced toward Hugh’s closed door and lowered my voice. “I got Cam fired.”

  “And we’ll miss him and the work he does,” she said, nodding. “But it was time for him to move on. Hugh gave him a good recommendation, despite his ‘indiscretion.’ He’ll be able to get a job on the outside. He’d been here for just a little too long. He needed to be nudged out of the nest. And I’m glad it was you that did the nudging. You seem like a nice girl, Violet.”

  I braced myself for a “but” and some version of the shovel speech, about how the New Beginnings staff would hunt me down if I hurt Cam, but Kim simply returned to her paperwork. That was her final word on the subject. I was a nice girl.

  Smiling, I wheeled my suitcase to the lobby. It felt weird to be saying goodbye to the place, like leaving a really traumatic summer camp. I stopped at the huge redwood door and waved over my shoulder to the front desk attendants. Stepping out onto the sunbaked stones of the entryway, I was a little hurt, but not surprised, that my parents weren’t there to at least welcome me into the real world and verify that I had, in fact, completed the program and therefore was not disown-able. Then again, I was probably going to be burned off of the family tree Sirius Black-style anyway considering how I’d spoken to my mom.

  Maybe I could call a cab.

  I pulled out my cell phone – thoughtfully charged by the staff before its return to my possession – to do just that when a silver truck pulled slowly into the parking lot, towing a horse trailer. I wasn’t able to make out the driver’s face through the tinted windows. I lifted an eyebrow as the truck slowed to a stop in front of me, and Pickles poked his auburn head out of the little trailer window and whickered.

  “Pickles?” I gasped, running over to stroke his velvety nose. Pickles bucked his head slightly, nudging against my arm. “I’ll miss you, too, buddy. And I don’t care if you’re being sold to some silly wench who doesn’t know a curry comb from a shrimp fork. She is getting a good horse.”

  “You know he’s not going to talk back, right?”

  I squinted into the sun as the driver’s side door opened, and Cam’s long legs stretched out in front of me. He was wearing jeans and a faded black Pearl Jam t-shirt. He looked about ten years younger without the mantle of New Beginnings responsibility on his shoulders. It took all that I had not to throw myself at him. I had missed him so much. It was as if all of the sudden, an ache in my chest that I hadn’t even realized was there had eased and I could breathe again.

  Oh, screw it.

  I launched myself at him, throwing my legs around his waist and clinging to him like a koala bear. Cam chuckled, tucking his fingers under my hair and pressing his lips to mine. I pulled away from him, looping my arms around his neck. “Hi.”

  “Hi, yourself.”

  “What are you doing with Pickles?”

  Cam didn’t put me down. He just stood there, beside his horse trailer, carrying me around like I was a sack of groceries, a sack of groceries that he loved very much. “I bought him from the recovery center. I happened to know a
young lady who needed a good beginner’s horse. I needed to pick him up today. Totally a coincidence. It has nothing to do with you getting out at this particular time.”

  “I’ll ignore the blatant lie and focus on the fact that you were the one who bought Pickles.”

  “I couldn’t let you leave without him.”

  “That’s so sweet,” I said, leaning my forehead against his. “But I don’t think they’re going to let me keep her in my dorm room next year. Allie says they fine you for having goldfish.”

  “Actually, I was thinking of keeping him at my parents’ house. They have a full stable with lots of other horses for Pickles to play with. It would give me a reason to go over there to visit them, try to bridge the gap a little bit. And it would be a great excuse for you to go there and meet them.”

  “You’re talking to your parents again?” I exclaimed. “That’s great.”

  He nodded. “I had some time, and I spent it with them, talking about things we should have talked about years ago.”

  “Will we be telling your parents that you met me in rehab?” I asked, wincing. “Because I don’t think that’s going to scream desirable partner for their baby boy.”

  “We’ll tell them whatever you want. But I would like you to meet them. I need to stop hiding the important parts of my life from them.”

  “Well, for the record, I am not going to live with you,” I told him. “I am going to live on my own, in a place that I pay for myself, in what will probably be relative squalor. But I am going to make my own decisions and my own mistakes, and I hope you can respect that.”

  “I think that’s a great idea,” he said. “As long as I have visitation privileges.”

  I squinted at Cam. “I expected you to put up more of an argument.”

  “I’m trying this new thing where I don’t disagree with everything you say. So far, it seems to be working.”

  “You didn’t have to pay my bill, you know,” I told him, nodding toward the entrance.

  He tensed his lips, as if he was silently cursing Kim for letting his secret loose. But he brushed my hair out of my eyes and ran a thumb down my cheek. “I know I didn’t, but I wanted to. I wanted you to have options. That money gives you the freedom to decide what you need to do. And if that means establishing yourself in your own apartment, one your parents can’t force you out of, so be it.”