My Once and Future Love

by Carla Krae

  “Too bad,” he sighed. He put my coat in the closet. “Want your pressie now?”

  “Whenever.” It really was a nice room, with a big bed and big TV and chairs that weren’t torture to sit in.

  I was nervous about his gift. It was technically jewelry, which I’d heard made guys wig unless you were already married to them, but not a scary piece. There was a guy selling leather bracelets at a fair, and he’d engrave anything you wanted on the silver bar in the center. I had perseverance written on the front and his graduation year on the back. Encouragement wasn’t scary, was it?

  He offered me a soda.

  “Thanks.”

  “It took me a while to figure out what to get you,” he said. “It needed to be perfect, you know—not too sentimental or forward or, well…something I’d like. Thought about a shirt or something, but I don’t know your size. Then I remembered I still had to get it over here, so size mattered, too. Here.” He handed me a box wrapped in silver paper.

  “Uh, okay.” At least I wasn’t alone in obsessing over what I bought. I eased the tape loose so the paper would come free, then opened the box. “A Christmas Carol? Ooo, a vintage copy…please tell me it’s not original.” That’d be too much, even for best friends turned lovers.

  “Nah. Just old enough to have that smell you like. I remembered you’ve watched, like, every version made of the show. Do you like it?”

  “I love it.” I threw my arms around him. “Thank you.”

  He grinned, proud as a peacock, and said, “Okay, my turn.”

  I retrieved the small box from my coat pocket. “I wasn’t sure what to get you, either.” I’d wrapped it in blue paper with white snowmen on it, a piece that was just the right size to not waste any.

  Jacob, being Jacob, ripped into his present, shredding the paper, and pulled the lid off the box. He took the bracelet out and turned it in his hands. I’d chosen the flat black leather band to go with the majority of his wardrobe.

  “It’s dated a year and a half from now,” he said.

  “Your class year.”

  “Perseverance…you weren’t kidding.”

  “About what?”

  He looked up from the bracelet. “About believing. Thought you were trying to make me feel better.”

  “Well, I was, but it’s true, too. Haven’t I always said the same when you’ve had doubts?”

  He dropped his eyes to the gift again. “Yeah. Thank you.” He released the clasp and tried putting the band on his left wrist.

  “Here.” I stepped forward to fasten it. “There. Fits.”

  He pulled me into his arms. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

  “Nah…just thoughtful. And so were you.”

  “Merry Christmas, Bethie.”

  We kissed under a sprig of plastic mistletoe.

  ****

  Letting her go that night wasn’t easy. He had nothing to do Christmas Day since his mother was back in London and Beth would be with family. Far as he knew, they didn’t know he was in town, which, after nearly six months together, kinda hurt. Couldn’t be because of her mum—she’d always been sweet—so was she that afraid of her dad’s reaction? Honestly, he was tempted to talk man-to-man, get it out in the open, and be done with all this sneakin’ around.

  Well, he’d think on it. Called his mother on the twenty-fifth, then went to the movies. There was always something new and fun to see in December. After treating himself to a very nice dinner, he came back to a message from Beth on the hotel voicemail. She missed him and would see him tomorrow. They had one week left together.

  “Any more family obligations?” he asked when she came to him.

  “Life is back to normal. Dad’s back at work.”

  He slid his hands under her coat to wrap around her waist. “That mean you can stay the night?”

  “Perhaps…”

  “Mmm, Miss Lawson, don’t tease me…this week has to last us months.” He nibbled on the side of her neck.

  “Unh, don’t remind me.”

  “Maybe we can have dinner with your parents before I leave…”

  “Huh? Why?”

  “Why not?” If he asked while making her feel good, maybe she’d be more likely to say yes. “I’ve been to your house countless times.”

  She pushed him off. “They’d have a lot of questions about why you’re here all the way from England.”

  “So? Tell them the truth. I came for you.”

  “Best friends don’t do that.”

  “Sure they can.”

  “Not college kids. It’d be weird and I don’t want weird on our last days.”

  “Beth…”

  “I’d rather spend my time with you. Come on, I’m hungry.” She grabbed his hand.

  He didn’t follow. “Are you ever going to tell them about us?”

  “Eventually. Jacob, I don’t want to argue on vacation.”

  “Fine…”

  He didn’t want to argue, either, though this issue definitely wasn’t buried. Yeah, she was a private person, but there had to be limits…just like he didn’t go ‘round shouting from rooftops even though he wanted to.

  Beth was still holding back and he didn’t know why. It was like there were two versions of her, and the one around her parents was still fourteen and awkward. If she could only see herself like he did…

  Chapter Eighteen

  New Year’s Eve was amazing. Jacob took me to a nice restaurant—I wore a dress—then we went back to the hotel and rang in the New Year in bed. Hours later, I was still deliciously sore in places I didn’t know I had before.

  Morning was bittersweet. He had to fly out that day. Classes started on Monday for both of us.

  Like last time at LAX, we clung to each other until he was out of time. “This sucks.”

  “I know. I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “Don’t forget to call, okay? I know you’re gonna get busy, but--”

  “I won’t, I swear. How could I forget my Bethie?” He kissed me again.

  Squeezing my eyes shut tight to keep the tears in, I tried to pour the next three months into one kiss.

  “I have to go, love.”

  “I know. Call me when you land.”

  He nodded and turned away from me to continue through security to his gate. Times like this, I hated that you couldn’t see someone off all the way to the plane anymore.

  Going back to school sucked after the holiday. I settled in soon enough, though, because college was a kind of home, too, for a freak that liked school. The new classes I had for this term weren’t bad.

  I only had a morning class on Fridays, so I tried calling Jacob after I got back. Answering machine. He probably had a gig. I left a message that I’d be in my room ‘til six my time, and opened books to study for a short paper due.

  There was an e-mail waiting when I signed on later.

  Beth,

  You cheated, calling on a Friday, love. I miss you, too. Keep seein’ girls with hair like yours and gettin’ excited, then I remember it can’t be you. At least, it’s not likely to be, but I would never turn you away if you wanted to surprise me.

  Gotta hit the sack.

  Yours,

  Jacob

  Mine…I hoped he’d remember that so far away. I envied Michelle and her boyfriend getting to see each other every day, touch each other, eat together, and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Had to be some kind of masochist to enter into a long-distance relationship

  ****

  Mom had her six-month check-up the last week of the month. To say Dad and I were nervous was the God’s honest truth. I skipped classes that day and waited for her to come home.

  “Well?” I asked when she came through the door.

  “The mammogram was inconclusive.” She took off her coat. “But I was told the surgery scarring could make one harder to read.”

  “And?”

  “And, I see my doctor tomorrow. She didn’t have openings today.”

  “O
h.” That didn’t make me feel any better. “But your other breast is fine?”

  “Same as ever. I’m thinking of pot roast for supper.”

  I followed her into the kitchen. “Aren’t you nervous about getting cleared?”

  “Not really. I do my self-exams. If I’d felt a lump, I would say so.” She got out a piece of beef to thaw and started selecting veggies from the crisper.

  Her nonchalance frustrated me. Dang near pissed me off. How could she be so calm about cancer?

  She made enough for three, so I stayed for dinner then went home and sent a mini-rant e-mail to Jacob about how I felt. A return message didn’t come, but he did call on time on Sunday.

  “Hey,” I said. “Don’t you check your e-mail?”

  “Oh, sorry, love. Been crazy busy this week and haven’t got to the computers. You won’t believe what happened—a talent manager offered to work with us.”

  “Oh my God!”

  “I know, right? This bloke approaches us after the gig, and he looks like a nicer Howard Stern if he was a hippie. Says he manages a couple bands, and I’m thinkin’ yeah, bloody right, man, but he hands over a business card and the bands mentioned on it are groups we know. We all hit a nearby pub to feel out the details, then me and my mates shake hands with the guy and tell him we’ll call tomorrow with our decision. Pays our tab for us even though he doesn’t have our business, yet.”

  “Are the other bands doing well with him? Did you sign?”

  “Put our autographs on the dotted line last night. Made sure I kept my song rights, but he’s getting a fixed percentage commission from our proceeds in exchange for his services. Says we’ve been on a decent track so far. Gonna get us the rest of the way a lot faster than we’ve been able to do on our own. I had to say sod all to sleep last night, I’m so bloody amped.”

  “I’m so proud of you. I knew it would happen sooner or later.”

  “Yeah. I came home with new determination, you know…whipped the boys into practicin’ more than the day of a gig and our shows have had an energy…aw, man, I wish you could see it, Bethie.”

  “Me, too.” Here he was, so excited he could burst, and all I could do was say yay on the phone. “One thing?”

  “What?”

  “Don’t flunk this term just because fame’s knocking on your door.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, I know. You and Mum wouldn’t let me hear the end of it. I’ll be good, baby, promise.”

  “All I want to hear. Speaking of school…”

  He sighed. “I’m doing okay. My non-music classes are goin’ to have C-equivalents and that has to be good enough. There’s just too much work in my major classes and I’m not a brainiac like you.”

  “You’re not dumb.” I wasn’t a genius, either.

  “’Course not, but I know my limits, Beth, and my strengths aren’t in academics. Never had the heart for it.”

  “You just need teachers to put it in Jacob-speak so you’re not bored.” I made a good tutor because I figured out my student’s learning style. If public speaking didn’t make me break out in hives, I would have pursued teaching.

  His only limit was focus, always had been. He was a June baby and craved constant stimulation. If you couldn’t keep his attention, he moved on. I always hoped his attention span would lengthen with maturity.

  “Somethin’ like that. Wish I had you to study with, love. I miss our sessions.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Enough about me. How was your week?”

  I filled him in, except for Mom’s stuff. I didn’t want to bitch during the limited time I had to talk with my boyfriend. He responded at all the right places, but I could tell his mind was still on the stars. It didn’t offend me. That was just how he was.

  He mentioned Spring Break and we found out ours weren’t at the same time. It was a long shot, different countries and all, but I’d still hoped. That left June for seeing each other again. Maybe May.

  “Maybe I can make it out. Can’t stand another six months,” he said.

  “I know…it’s awful. I miss my pillow.”

  “That all I am? Comfort for your head?” he teased.

  “Noo. But December spoiled me.”

  “Me, too,” he said softly. “Though I’m particularly fond of New Year’s Eve.”

  I blushed at the thought of it. “That was a good night.”

  “I like when you let me try something new. Gonna have a whole list by June, baby.”

  Oh god… “That’s kinda scary.”

  He laughed. “Would I try something truly depraved? Got to have a little faith, Bethie. You know I’ll make you feel good.”

  “This is not a conversation to have when I can’t see you any time soon.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it isn’t.”

  “Beth…”

  “No.”

  “Tell me, kitten.”

  “I can’t come by myself, okay? Happy? You talk all sexy and then I can’t get to sleep ‘cause I’m too worked up and can’t make it better and it sucks.” I was so glad he couldn’t see my face then. I was red down to my boobs.

  “Oh…baby…” Great, now I’d flattered him into being horny—well, hornier. “What are you wearing?”

  “Sweats. What are you wearing?”

  “Jeans and a jumper.”

  “A what?”

  “A sweater. Yanks…”

  “You were born here, too, bub.”

  “A technicality.” He really was proud of his dual-citizenship. It was just our running contest that one was better than the other. No one had won, yet. “Well, love, I need to keep the phone bill in check…I’m sorry.”

  “I understand. We’ll talk soon. It’ll be my turn to call.”

  “Sweet dreams, Beth.”

  “You, too, Jacob. Goodnight.”

  I hung up the phone and sighed. Never long enough, these chats. At least I managed to steer it away from phone sex.

  When I called next Sunday, Jacob didn’t pick up the phone. I left a message including the next time he’d be able to reach me.

  The next weekend didn’t work out, either, but I did receive a card for Valentines Day. The card came with a blank inside and he wrote about the new management taking a lot of his time, booking them Friday-Saturday-Sunday whenever possible. Sleep, study, sing, he said. A gift card to my preferred bookstore was inside.

  Michelle asked, “Has he not heard of floral delivery services? A phone and a credit card are all you need.”

  “I like books…”

  “Yeah, but not for Valentines. Unless it’s romantic poetry or something, and that would still be chosen personally. Not a gift card that you could hand to anyone in the world.”

  “If he was here, he’d do something really nice.” It was one thing for me to complain, another for someone else to diss my boyfriend. I protected people I love.

  “But he’s been too busy for you for two weeks and at the wrong time of year, in my opinion. What are you going to do on the fourteenth?”

  “The usual. I’ll do my homework, order Chinese, and watch the tube.”

  “If that’s what makes you happy…”

  Her concern was part of being a good friend, but I was glad when she let me change the subject. She didn’t know him well and couldn’t relate because she and Chris had been together since they were sixteen. For her, no guy was good enough unless he met Chris’ example. A great guy, for sure, and I liked him, but he wasn’t my type. As my dad would say, she wore the pants in that relationship.

  I was naturally bossy enough without having a guy let me be.

  ****

  Every morning, he touched a kissed fingertip to Beth’s photo on the way to his caffeine fix. Barely had a free moment these days, and definitely not enough sleep, but it was all for her. If he was going to transfer to an L.A. school for senior year he needed cash. He constantly needed to be reminded what day it was, but runnin’ twenty-four-seven would all be worth it if they got a record dea
l.

  If.

  If not, he might sleep all summer.

  Jacob passed his latest roommate sleeping on the couch. She shared a couple classes with him and handled their merchandise table…when they had a table. Like always, he didn’t mind helping out a friend as long as they chipped in.

  ****

  When the rest of the month was made up of more phone tag, my mood definitely plummeted. Hearing Jacob’s voice on my machine just wasn’t good enough.

  I called Vivian. We’d been exchanging letters since she moved, but I hadn’t talked to her on the phone.

  “Elizabeth, it’s good to hear your voice. How are you?”

  It was good to hear her voice, too. “Okay. School is fine.”

  “Just school?”

  Damn, she was intuitive. “Well…I haven’t talked to Jacob in weeks. His answering machine and I are on intimate terms, though.”

  “If he calls you back, you’re doing better than I am, dear. I have to make surprise visits to be able to catch him. I do worry he’s going to work himself to exhaustion.”

  “It’s all work and his classes?”

  “As far as I can tell. Elizabeth, he has a photo of you on his refrigerator. I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten you.”

  Didn’t know where he found one, the sneak. “I just worry, too.” All I did when my mind was idle, frankly.

  “Well, I’ll nudge him to be more conscientious. Is university what you hoped it would be?”

  “I like it. Made a few friends, my neighbors are quiet, and my classes have been pretty cool. The art stuff is more applicable to photography than I thought it would be. I mean, a photo can be art, but the principles of light and shadow and style are relevant no matter what your medium is. That’s pretty neat.”

  “Well, I’d love to see your projects, if you’re not too shy to share.”

  “Eh, my drawings aren’t for human eyes just yet. I cringe every time I have to hand them in to my professor. But the next time you visit, you can look through my photo portfolio.”

  “It’s a deal, dear. Well, I hate to cut this short, Elizabeth, but I have an appointment. Do keep in touch, and I promise to tell my son to call as soon as I see him.”