My Once and Future Love

by Carla Krae

  The air smelled musty. I turned on a battery-powered lantern. A layer of dust coated everything. When was the last time he was here?

  In the light of the lantern, I spotted some balled-up pieces of paper on the old desk. Opening one of them revealed lines of lyrics, many of them with black ink struck through them. More balls of paper revealed similar sights, hasty scribbles of passionate words.

  “They’re all about you.”

  I dropped the lantern, a gasp of surprise escaping my throat. Jacob stood in the doorway.

  “I wasn’t trying to--”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  I picked up the lantern and set it on the desk. “When did you get back?”

  “Few minutes ago. The house was quiet and you weren’t in your room.”

  “Took a walk. The door was unlocked.”

  “I know.” He shut the door, blocking out the cold breeze. “Haven’t been in here since I moved to the States.”

  “It shows. The dust.”

  He nodded. He was unusually calm and it put me on edge. “Remember when I showed you this place?”

  “I do.” I remembered everything, much as it hurt.

  “Life was simpler back then. I miss seeing you smile.” He came closer, having made his circuit around the room.

  “I still smile.” I’m sure I did.

  “Not real ones. Not like before.”

  “That was years ago. Things change.” I could feel the heat he radiated now; see his breath in the light.

  He stroked my hair behind my left ear. “Not everything.” And kissed me.

  For a brief, glorious moment, we weren’t Beth and Jacob, but two souls fitting our puzzle pieces back together. He still kissed the same, pressing me close and teasing my tongue with his. I wanted the oblivion of bliss, but memories wouldn’t let me.

  Memories of betrayal and pain.

  I pushed him away. “No. I can’t do this.”

  “Why not? I can feel you want it.”

  “Is this why you dragged me here? To get your rocks off?” I pushed past him and threw open the door.

  He grabbed my arm. “We’re both single, Beth, and it’s not like we haven’t done it all before. What’s wrong with indulging in a bit of nostalgia at Christmas?”

  “I don’t trust you, that’s what’s wrong. God, you selfish, manipulative bastard.”

  “Like you’ve been innocent? Reporting my private life to my mother breaks my trust.”

  “She comes to me because you never remember to call her back. Shall we count the times you’ve told me to ‘handle it’ when the phone rings? Let. Go. Of. Me.”

  He released my arm. “You’re beautiful when you’re angry.”

  “Don’t.”

  His hand slid inside my coat, caressing my hip. “How long has it been since you’ve been touched, Bethie?”

  I stumbled back, fleeing his advance. “Are you drunk?”

  “Little bit.”

  The cold air subdued my anger and an idea formed in my head for a little lesson.

  “Let’s go back to the house,” I said in my most seductive voice.

  His eyes widened at the sudden turn in my mood, but when I took his hand, he happily followed me.

  When we got to the base of the stairs, I let him pull me into another kiss, then asked, “Do you have a pair of handcuffs?”

  He pouted. “No…”

  “That’s okay. A tie or scarf will do.”

  He smiled, took my hand, and ran upstairs. We entered his room.

  “On the bed,” I ordered. Knowing where his ties would be in the closet, I selected a blue one. It was my favorite color.

  Jacob had already shed his coat and sweater and lay on the bed. He tried for a sexy look, but buzzed as he was, he couldn’t quite pull it off. Holding back a laugh, I crawled up his body, straddled his waist, and moved his hands to the headboard.

  “Stay like this.” Knowing how to kiss him to distraction, I did just that and secured his wrists to the metal rungs. Once the knot was snug, I sat up, then climbed off him.

  From the eager look on his face, he thought I was going to undress him the rest of the way or maybe strip. I walked to the door for the adjoining bathroom.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Goodnight, Jacob,” I sweetly said.

  “Oh, ha, ha. Come on, Beth. Get back over here and have some fun.”

  “I’m thinking…no.”

  His expression changed and I saw the second he realized I wasn’t playing. “You can’t leave me like this.”

  “I can. Sleep it off, Jacob, and don’t ever kiss me again. See you in the morning!”

  “Beth!”

  I waited to laugh until I was in my bedroom. He wouldn’t be putting moves on me again.

  From the squeak of bed springs in his room, he was trying to get out of his predicament, but I was a Girl Scout—that knot wouldn’t be coming loose until I wanted it to. Surprisingly, it took at least ten minutes before he yelled for me again.

  “Shut up, Jacob! You’ll wake your mother!”

  “It’s your bloody fault!”

  I opened the bathroom door to his room. “Fine, I’ll tell her about tonight and see who she sides with.”

  “Her son, of course.”

  “Sure about that? You made unwanted advances and I put you in your place. Plus, you’re drunk. I like my chances.”

  Some of his indignation died away. “I can’t sleep like this.”

  “And?”

  “Let me loose.”

  A snort passed through my nose. “Yeah, right. You’ll retaliate.”

  “I could fire you now. Thinkin’ about it, anyway.”

  “Off duty, Jacob. Besides, you’ve been an ass and this is a harmless prank. You have no work tomorrow. Goodnight…”

  “Beth, please!”

  I kept walking back into my room. There were limits to what I’d put up with in this job and he had to learn that.

  ****

  The tension in the house could be cut with a knife. Jacob and I were avoiding each other except for work, it was awkward between him and his mother, and I had no clue what to say to her. I hoped they could have a good Christmas without me there.

  The twenty-third didn’t come soon enough. The pressure in my chest didn’t release until I was on the plane to Virginia.

  Andrew hugged me in Baggage Claim. “Hey, kid. You look tired.”

  “Long year.”

  “Are you hungry?”

  I shook my head. “I just want some sleep.”

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  “Not particularly.”

  He didn’t press. I liked that about the average male—unless you asked for help, they assumed you had it handled. No nagging for details I didn’t want to give.

  The small town coziness was really appealing to me right now. Visiting here was the only sense of home I’d had in years, since Mom died. It was the type of quiet life I originally envisioned for myself and I envied him for claiming that. Maybe I’d resign after the tour and settle here.

  Worse ideas out there in the universe.

  Darcy greeted me with a warm hug. “Come in! I’ve got cocoa. How was your flight?”

  “Long, but uneventful.”

  “Hon, let her catch you up later. Beth needs some sleep.”

  “Oh! Sorry, forgot about the time difference. Sure, go ahead, the room’s ready. Holler if you need anything. Andrew, carry her bag into the guest room.” She took my coat off me, hung it on the stand next to the door, and nudged me toward the kitchen. “Here, the cocoa will relax you.”

  Mug in hand, I shuffled to the room my brother stood outside of and poked my head in. Nice, especially the bed. I couldn’t wait to bury under the warm blankets.

  “Merry Christmas, Beth,” Andrew said, and shut the door.

  I unzipped my carry-on, found my pajamas and toothbrush, and went to the adjacent bathroom. Ready to sleep, I shut off the lights, set my glasses on the nightstand,
and pulled the covers over my head.

  For the first time in months, there were no nightmares.

  ****

  After an uncomfortable Christmas dinner party with Mum and her friends, he started to think maybe some people were right. Maybe he had been taking stardom to the extreme last summer.

  The night began alright. He dressed in a suit with no tie and came down for the party on time, but instead of the usual warm reception he received from his mother’s friends, they were polite, but cool. Disapproving. They watched him carefully, like they expected him to fly off the rails any second. What exactly had been printed about him here? He knew his mother wouldn’t gossip—it wasn’t her way.

  Later, when everyone was gone, he stood by the tree and the fireplace with the traditional glass of cordial and stared at the flames.

  “It was lovely seeing everyone again, yes?” Mum asked.

  “Don’t know if they’d say the same.”

  She stopped next to him, eyes also on the fire. “What do you mean?”

  “They think I’m a disappointment to you, Mum. You have to have noticed.”

  “Jacob, I think you’re being a bit sensitive.”

  He drained the last sip in the glass. “No, I’m really not. I see more than people think I do, Mum. And your friends’ whispers weren’t terribly discrete.” He handed her the empty glass. “Think I’ll turn in early.”

  “Jacob…”

  He glanced over his shoulder, ready to flee if she said the wrong thing.

  “Darling, you’re too good a man to be just a rock star. If you need to talk, I’m right here.”

  He sighed. “I know, Mum. You always have been. Happy Christmas.”

  “Good night, son.”

  The rest of his stay went a bit easier and he made an effort to spend some quality time with his mother, taking her shopping and to dinner and seeing a few shows.

  2009

  Jacob looked at the New Year as a new chance. He’d be better, work harder…the tour would take all his energy, anyway, so he wouldn’t be able to get in trouble.

  When they were both back in L.A., he apologized to Beth.

  “I accept. May I propose we keep our relationship strictly professional from here on? I think that would be best for both of us.”

  “If that makes you more comfortable, Bethie.”

  “It does. This tour will put a lot of pressure on all of us, so it’s best we get along.”

  He nodded. “Hope you had a good holiday?”

  She smiled. “It was lovely, yes. My brother’s made a good life for himself and it’s a nice town. I was tempted to stay, even with the snow.”

  “Well, I’m glad I didn’t run you off for good.” He laid his hand on her shoulder. “I do need you here.”

  “I know.”

  January was all work, rehearsing the concert routine for the tour in a giant studio space where the crew could practice setting up and taking down the set. The band didn’t do choreography or include dance acts, but the show still had to be exciting. The music was the easy part.

  They got one night off for the Super Bowl. Jacob didn’t care anything for American football, but he’d done a commercial airing today, so the sponsor invited them to a private box and Lynn wouldn’t let him refuse. His mates were pretty excited, though, and Beth was familiar with the game.

  She walked ahead of him behind the usher showing them to their box.

  “Liz?”

  Liz? Who was this bloke calling “Liz”?

  “Oh my God, Nathan? What are you doing here?” Beth hugged some guy in a suit. Who wears a suit to a game? Then again, she was wearing her usual business-casual outfit.

  “I’m with a party in a box. Wow, it’s been--”

  “Since graduation, yeah. Oh, sorry, this is my boss, Jacob Lindsey. Nathan and I went to UCLA together.” She looked happy to see him.

  Jacob shook the guy’s hand, adding some extra grip. Nathan squeezed back and made eye contact.

  “I’d love to catch up if you have time during the game,” he said to Beth.

  “I’m sure I can manage.” She smiled at him, a genuine-Bethie smile.

  Jacob watched their interaction and felt sure there was a story there. “Pet, the man’s waiting to show us to our seats.”

  “Sorry.” She smiled at Nathan again. “It was really good seeing you again.”

  Jacob escorted her down the hall to catch up with his mates. Looking back, he saw her friend watch her go. Oh, yeah, definitely a story here.

  “So, who’s the yuppie?”

  “Oh, Nathan? Like I said, we went to college together. Same major.”

  “And?”

  “He’s a friend, or was back then. Why are you so curious all of a sudden?”

  He shrugged. “No reason. Just you don’t talk about the past much. Wondered if he was a part of it.”

  “Jacob, you’re my boss. I don’t have to share anything personal with you.” She opened the door for him. “What’s your drink order today?”

  “Just a beer.” The sponsor had a buffet set out on a long table. He grabbed a plate and waited for Aaron to move forward.

  She took a notepad and pen out of her blazer pocket. “Guys, did you place beverage orders, yet?” The replies were negative, so she took down their preferences.

  Jacob sighed. Clearly the conversation was over.

  She was right of course. He technically had no right to personal details, but he did wonder about her life away from him. If she’d had feelings for anyone else. If she still did.

  ****

  Running into Nathan in a football stadium was the last thing I expected to happen. I was happy to see him, though. Aside from that mistake on my twenty-first birthday, I’d enjoyed his company, and that night wasn’t his fault, anyway. With the guys busy having a good time, I slipped out to find Nathan’s box.

  When I spotted him through a window, I knocked on the door. He glanced over from his conversation and I waved. He smiled and came to the door.

  “Hey, you made it.”

  “Yep. I have a few minutes before I’ll be needed again.”

  “Well, have a seat.” He led me to the corner. “Catch me up on the past couple years.”

  “Well, I started as Mr. Lindsey’s personal assistant a little over a year ago. He’s a musician.”

  “I recognize him. How did you end up there? You were working in advertising, right?”

  “Yeah, I did. I’ve known Jacob since I was fourteen, see, and we ran into each other in L.A. He needed help and offered a much better salary, so I took it. It’s a busy life.”

  Nathan nodded. “I bet, though I expected to see you in management by now.”

  “I am, in a sense. Though I’m an employee, I get to boss those guys around to get them where they’re needed on time and stuff, and I’m definitely multitasking.”

  He took a business card out of his pocket. “Well, if you’re ever interested in a change of career, give me a call.”

  I smiled, flattered by the offer. “You don’t know what kind of worker I am.”

  “A workaholic with a quick mind, just like me. Seriously, I’d find a place for you, Lizzie.”

  There was a bit too much warmth in his eyes. “Thanks, but Nathan…I still don’t date, for the record.”

  He smiled. “Who has the time? Check the card.”

  I did. Under his name was “CEO”. “Oh, wow, you really shot up there.”

  “I’m based in New York. If you ever have a free minute in town, we’ll grab lunch. No strings.” He winked. Getting into his mid-twenties looked good on him.

  “I’d like that.”

  Nathan saw me to the door, a hand on my back. “Oh, and Beth? I remember the night of your birthday,” he whispered. “We didn’t do what it looked like.”

  “Oh. No…interlocking?”

  “Nope. Thought you’d want to know.”

  “Thank you.” I hugged him. “Not knowing for sure was--”

  “Y
eah. I know. Keep in touch, hmm?”

  “Absolutely. Enjoy the game.” Smiling, I left, feeling a weight of my past lift off my shoulders.

  ****

  Jacob pulled Beth aside when she finally came back to the box. “Where have you been? You’re on the clock.”

  “I only stepped out for a few minutes. You guys had full plates and glasses and were busy yelling at the game.”

  “Doesn’t matter. I don’t pay you to socialize on the clock.”

  “Exchanging contact info isn’t what I’d call ‘socializing’. I spent more time in the restroom.”

  “I’m serious, Beth.”

  She sighed. “Fine. I’m sorry, sir. Reporting in to cater to your every whim.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Don’t get smart.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.” She was smiling and had a bit of the old spunk back.

  He ground his teeth, biting back a retort. It wouldn’t do to argue in front of one of the tour sponsors, and he was happy to see her in a better mood.

  “Just park it.”

  “Yes, sir.” She saluted him and went to the empty chair next to Dylan.

  Jacob felt emotionally tired. They used to have fun together. He used to make her laugh and she was so supportive. Now, all they did was spar and clash, and not in the good fight-to-have-make-up-sex way. Bob was a good friend, but no replacement for Bethie. And now someone else had put a light in her eyes.

  He still dreamt of her, sometimes. Their first night together would replay in his mind when he felt his loneliest. He’d wake up with tears on his cheeks and horny as hell, and reach for the bottle in the bottom drawer of his nightstand. Other dreams were about a missed future or the distant past. But for the life of him, he couldn’t seem to change this pattern they’d gotten in to.

  Chapter Six

  2009 continued…

  The label paired the band with an opening act for the Europe tour. She was beautiful and charismatic with a sexy voice, and flirted shamelessly with my ex. What was worse is that he seemed to be responding.

  I watched Simone and Jacob practice the closing number of the encore—everyone stopped what they were doing and watched. They were two peas in a pod, mega powerful on a stage together, and god, it hurt. I expected them to either burst into twin flames or start going at it on the dais.