My Once and Future Love

by Carla Krae

  He seemed grateful to be useful. He’d never been able to cook, really, except on the barbeque, so I could expect a lot of sandwiches, heated soup, and take-out over the next month. At least produce was plentiful in spring.

  I scratched the tape holding the gauze on my forehead. My skin itched under the cast and bandages and I wanted to peel everything off and see how bad the marks were.

  Geeze, there was so much to do. I needed stuff from my cottage, to find my replacement for Jacob, fix whatever he’d managed to screw up in the past couple days, call the car insurance company, and probably a dozen other things I needed to look at my planner for.

  At least I still had use of my right hand. You had to be thankful for small miracles.

  ****

  Jacob had canceled everything to stay by Beth’s side. She was family. Mother already sent a care package from England. Now, with his schedule clear, he was restless with nothing to do. He let himself into the guest house to see if he could be useful.

  Maria found him cleaning the kitchen. “Sir, you don’t have to do that.”

  He dropped another container of leftovers in a trash bag, sparing her a glance. “I know. It was driving me nuts sittin’ around the house. What are you doing here, Maria?”

  “Miss Lawson asked me to gather some of her things, Mr. Lindsey. Her papa wouldn’t know what to grab. I can finish this for you.”

  “No, pet…go ahead and do what you were gonna.” He grabbed a bottle of spray cleaner and stuck his head back in the refrigerator.

  “Okay…” She padded toward the bedroom.

  “Maria?” he called around the wall.

  “Yes, boss?”

  “How did she sound?”

  “Like always, Mr. Lindsey. Maybe a little tired. You could call her, if you’re concerned?”

  “No, it’s…it’s fine.”

  She walked out with the bag a few minutes later. “Mr. Lindsey, I was going to take this to Miss Beth, but I just remembered I have to be here this afternoon to let the man in about the oven.”

  “Oh. Can you go after he arrives?”

  She hesitated. “Well, he has to do repairs, and then I’m supposed to make dinner, and there are those calls you asked me to make…”

  He sighed and brushed his hands off on his jeans. “Alright…I’ll drop it off.”

  “I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you, sir.”

  “No, no…I don’t have a bloody thing to do this week. You have more on your plate at the moment, love.”

  “Thank you, sir. She’s at her father’s house.”

  Well, it was the best excuse he had to see how Beth was doing. He could drop off the bouquets that came to the house, too. Wouldn’t even mention work.

  ****

  “Elizabeth, Jacob is here to see you,” Dad called.

  Oh, crap! I didn’t want to see him, yet. Wasn’t ready. Plus, I looked like crap, and I didn’t even have the excuse of being unconscious.

  I was stuck wearing a bathrobe because of my broken limbs, and the nurse had just changed the dressing on my leg, exposing a nasty line of stitches I was sure would leave a lasting scar. My self-esteem was in the proverbial toilet, so the last person I wanted to see right now was the guy who’d seen me naked.

  “Elizabeth?” Dad called again.

  “I’m coming.” I sighed and wheeled myself into the hallway. It was pretty nifty they’d given me a powered chair.

  Jacob looked gorgeous despite the circles under his eyes.

  “You look tired,” I said. It came out harsher than I intended.

  “I haven’t slept well.”

  “Elizabeth, behave. He was at the hospital as much as I was, hoping you’d wake up. Nobody sleeps well in those chairs.”

  I dropped my eyes and blushed. “Sorry, Dad. Old habit,” I muttered.

  Jacob looked away, uncomfortable.

  “What did you bring by, son?” Dad asked, breaking the awkward atmosphere.

  “Oh, uh…Maria packed the stuff you wanted,” he said. “And there are some flowers in the car. They’ve been coming to the house.”

  “From who?”

  He shrugged. “Just about everybody, it seems. And there’s a basket from my mother.”

  I felt my cheeks warm again. “Thank her for me. That’s very kind.”

  “She always liked you a lot.”

  Mrs. Lindsey and I had once been close enough I called her Vivian. Currently, she wrote me when Jacob got too busy to call her again.

  “Would you like to stay for dinner?” Dad asked.

  “Dad, I’m sure Jacob is really busy.”

  “I wouldn’t want to intrude,” Jacob said.

  “Nonsense. You’ve been in my daughter’s life for years now. I wouldn’t ask if you weren’t welcome.”

  “Dad…”

  “Well, if Beth’s not too tired.”

  “Aw, company will do her good.”

  “I’M NOT HUNGRY,” I shouted. I turned the wheelchair toward my room as the men stood in stunned silence. It was difficult, but I managed to maneuver to slam the door.

  “Elizabeth Lawson…” Dad recovered first and followed me. He came in my room and shut the door. “That young man cares a lot about you, Elizabeth. We did not raise you to be rude to your guests. You’re going to roll right back out there and apologize.”

  “I can’t do this right now. Just leave me alone.”

  “Elizabeth--”

  “Please, Daddy. It’s been a long day. Tell Jacob I’ll talk to him later.”

  The fight left me once he left my room. I stared at Jacob’s old bed, and sat there. I couldn’t get out of the chair without help.

  ****

  The nurse came out of the kitchen, looking sympathetic. “Perhaps you should try another time, sir. It’s been a long day.”

  “Right. Sure… Could you help me unload the car, please?” Jacob asked.

  “Of course.”

  Once the bouquets were brought inside, he hazarded a chance at telling Beth goodbye and knocked on her door.

  “Dad, could we not?”

  “It’s me,” he said.

  “Oh.”

  He peeked around the door. “Are you okay?”

  “It’s been a long time since you asked me that.” She looked sad, her shoulders hunched inward.

  “I’m sorry.” He stepped in and shut the door. “Do you need anything? I didn’t know when you would wake up, so I took the whole week off.”

  “That must’ve made a lot of people unhappy.”

  He smiled. “You have no idea. Eh, they can bitch. My Bethie is more important.”

  “You haven’t said that in a long time, either.”

  He sat on the bed. “You kept it.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I may be a jerk for asking, but what happened back then?”

  “I don’t--”

  “Please.”

  She sighed and rubbed her forehead. “It’s not a time I like to think about, Jacob.”

  “Beth, just say it. Please.”

  “My head wasn’t in a good place. I’d just found out Mom’s cancer was back. I called your apartment, and it was late your time, middle of the night. A woman answered your phone, young and sexy. She said you were in the shower, and sounded like she’d been having a good time. Do I need to go on?”

  “You…” He stood and paced in the small space between the bed and the door. “You think I cheated on you? That’s why you wouldn’t return my calls? I can’t believe--”

  She didn’t even bother to yell, to throw accusations…of all the stupid misunderstandings. Just one sheet of paper with one sentence, and an angry phone conversation with her brother. Eight months of a relationship thrown away because of--

  “You were busier and busier, hardly keeping in touch, and then there’s a woman at your place at two in the morning on a Saturday night! What am I supposed to think? You were moving on.”

  A cheater…how could she think he was even capable? “I loved
you, you daft bint.” How many times had he promised never to hurt her?

  Her eyes widened big as saucers. “What?”

  “That was Carrie, a friend at uni. You’re more her taste than I am. You gave up because of a fucking assumption. Hope it was worth it.”

  “Maybe I was wrong that one time, but you’ve been anything but an angel since, Jacob.”

  “Yeah? Think about who made me that way.”

  He didn’t need to hear anymore and ran out of the house.

  Tomorrow would be a new day, but tonight he was getting really, really drunk.

  ****

  I couldn’t breathe.

  A lesbian friend.

  He loved me.

  He never said. How could I know if he never said! And I never said either but no one wants to be the girl that said too soon and sends the guy running because she said it too soon.

  Oh my god.

  Oh my God.

  I can’t breathe…

  “Elizabeth? Elizabeth, say something, you’re white as a sheet.”

  “I screwed up, Dad. I really, really screwed up.”

  His brows furrowed in the middle, his head shaking slightly in confusion. “Nurse! I think my daughter needs to lie down.”

  She ran into my room, and together they lifted me out of the chair and on the bed. I was stuck on my back when all I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and die.

  The next day, I made calls to find a temp to replace me. Doing busy work was the only way I could keep from shutting down. I also caught up with Jacob’s associates and sent hand-written reports to his house by courier. He’d brought over my laptop, so I could still write e-mails, if slower one-handed. My poor car was totaled, but the insurance company deemed me not at fault.

  The rest of my time was spent staring out windows. I’d be lucky if he ever talked to me again.

  ****

  After that revealing chat at her father’s house, Jacob did what he usually did with pain and medicated it with alcohol. Waking up with another hangover, he fumbled for the intercom to call Beth to take care of him…and remembered she wasn’t there. The guest house was empty, the mansion was empty, and he had no appointments.

  That great echoing building never seemed so lonely as that day.

  Jacob wasn’t going to start the cycle of denial again, and called Bob. The next day, he walked into the office of a highly recommended therapist. She was younger than he expected, but knew her trade. He was bloody embarrassed about that first visit and the tears he couldn’t contain once she got him talking. Catharsis, she called it—purging every bit of pain and anger he’d been running away from for almost a decade.

  “You thought the songs were expressing it for you.”

  “Well, yeah. That’s the soddin’ point, to put your feelings to words and music. Used to work.”

  “I think you substituted song writing for having meaningful connections with the people around you. When was the last time you shared something personal with a friend or family member?”

  He shrugged. “Can’t give you a date, Doc.”

  “Isn’t it pretty telling that you can’t remember?”

  “I guess. Probably.”

  His homework that night was to confide in someone with something he’d never said out loud. Therapy was scary shit. He thought of his mother first, but didn’t want to do it over the phone.

  “What’s so important, bro?” Bob asked when he got to the house.

  “Saw my therapist today.”

  Bob dropped on the sofa in the game room. “You aren’t going to cry on me, are you?”

  “No, wanker. I’m s’posed to confess somethin’ I haven’t said before.”

  “Alright.”

  Jacob started to pace. “Beth and I have history…”

  “Duh.”

  “We dated for eight months when she was eighteen. Most of it long distance.”

  “Wow. Were you her--”

  “Not goin’ there, mate.”

  Bob whistled. “Dude…makes so much sense. I knew there had to be a story there, but…so what ended it?”

  Jacob sighed. “What didn’t? Point is, it went bad and that’s been hangin’ over our heads for over eight years. After the past three, I doubt she’ll ever trust me again.”

  “You want her to?”

  “That’s a stupid question.”

  “Is it? Going your separate ways might be the healthiest thing both of you can do. Beth was great at her job, but come on, man…that was some messed up co-dependent shit.”

  “I don’t want to be like that anymore.”

  “Then get your house in order before you risk fuckin’ with the girl’s head again.”

  Jacob shook his head. “God, mate, don’t sugar coat it.”

  Bob shrugged. “You called me over for the truth, didn’t ya?”

  Guess he did.

  “Jake, you are the world’s biggest idiot.”

  “Now hang on!”

  “You hired your ex.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “So?”

  “The girl you wrote an album about. Dude, no wonder Beth wore ear plugs during every gig.”

  “Pffft. The concerts are loud.”

  Bob gave him a “how dense could you be” look. “Jake, you rip her to shreds in those songs. She’s a smart chick—she figured out who the lyrics were about, I guarantee you.”

  Jacob sat down and Bob started to nod.

  “No wonder you two had issues. I don’t know if she deserves those songs or not, but you made your point about how you felt.”

  “Oh my God…” He never connected the dots until now. “You’re right. I am an idiot.”

  He wasn’t guilty of what she’d assumed, but he hurt her just the same. No wonder she kept saying she couldn’t trust him.

  “Now that you’ve spilled your guts, what comes next? We don’t have to hug, do we?”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  Chapter Ten

  I had very little dignity left in front of my nurse. Agnes cooked for us and put up with my grumbling without complaint. Dad watched TV with me at night and they both put me to bed when I got tired. The cast on my arm would be off at least two weeks before the one on my leg and I was anxious for it. I hated having to be picked up all the time because I couldn’t support my own weight.

  The doorbell chimed. “Agnes, could you get that?” I called from the den. I was reading one of Mom’s photography books.

  My eyes widened when Jacob walked in. It had been three weeks since he walked out of my room. I sent the work I did and Maria let me know it arrived.

  “Hi.”

  He was here in the middle of the day. I couldn’t get over the change in his look and was probably staring. He’d cut his hair significantly shorter and wore slacks and a button-down shirt. Downright preppy.

  “Hi. This is a surprise. How is the temp?”

  “The new guy’s alright. Bit of an ass kisser, though. I keep expectin’ to turn around and find he’s crawled up my crack.”

  I giggled at the imagery. “I’m sure he’s just a little star struck. He’ll mellow out. As long as you make it to your appointments on time, right?”

  “Yeah. It’s not the same without you, though. But, when you’re ready to work again, it’ll be easier to put up with me.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and put his hands in his pockets. He was nervous? Who was this guy and what had he done with Jacob? He was never nervous. Even when debuting a song for the first time.

  It couldn’t be about me. I was the one that needed to apologize. “You want me back?”

  “Well, yeah. And you’re good at your job.”

  “It’s going to take me some time to rehab my leg once the cast is off, and after the last time you came by, I was thinking of taking my vacation time.” My spine should be left with a chiropractor, too.

  “An extra couple weeks won’t kill me, love.”

  “All my vacation time.”

  He blinked.
“Oh. How much have you accrued?”

  “Three months. Until the accident, I’ve never taken a personal day.”

  He nodded. “I’m sure you haven’t. Is there anything else you need?”

  I shook my head. “I should be asking you. You don’t have to be extra nice, Jacob. I’m a bitch.”

  He brushed my hair off the cut on my forehead. “I’m glad you’re healing, Beth.” The contact made my skin tingle.

  “You have a business meeting today?” I asked, gesturing to the outfit.

  “Oh, uh, yeah.” He ran his hand through his short locks.

  “You look nice.” I meant it. He looked really good.

  “Thanks.” He glanced at his new watch. “Well, I have an appointment, so…”

  “Yeah, no problem. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

  “Okay.” I owed him almost anything he could request of me.

  He left, nodding to Agnes on his way out.

  I only saw him in magazines or on television for a while, but he kept in touch with business and signed my checks.

  When I could get around on crutches, I made a trip to the guest house. A “For Sale” sign stood in front of the gate to the property.

  “Marty, why is the house for sale?”

  “Don’t know, miss,” he replied. “Maybe the boss got bored with it. He’s been kinda different lately.”

  “Different? How so?”

  “Well, he cut his hair and he dresses nicer for meetings, and the paparazzi haven’t seen him at a club for a month. Maria thinks he has a new girl.”

  “There’s usually a new girl.”

  “Not like that—a girlfriend. Men don’t change their act like that unless there’s a woman involved, in my opinion. But it’s just gossip. He hasn’t had any lady friends to the house.” He stopped the limo by my cottage. “You need a hand getting out, Miss Lawson?”

  “I think I can manage.”

  I pushed the door open as Marty came around anyway. Sliding across the seat, I planted my good foot on the ground. He extended a hand to pull me up, then helped me get the crutches stuck firmly under my armpits.