Cicada Spring

by Christian Galacar

  “Kara?” Catherine said. “It’s Deputy Carlisle, we met the other night. You have a few minutes to talk?”

  Kara turned around, looking over her shoulder. “Okay, I guess.”

  Catherine took a few steps closer. “You mind if I sit?”

  “Sure.”

  Geronimo returned, tail wagging, ball in mouth.

  Kara once again pried the ball free, but this time she didn’t throw it. Instead, she put it on the ground behind her back and let it roll away on the porch, leaving a thin, dark trail of slobber. Geronimo sat, head cocked to the side, confused, and let out a small whimper.

  “Go away, Mo,” Kara said, scratching his head dismissively and pushing him gently aside.

  Catherine took a seat next to Kara on the step. “Cute dog. What’s his name?”

  “Geronimo… We call him Mo.” Kara wiped her hands on her jeans.

  “Did your mom tell you I was coming?” Catherine asked.

  Kara turned and regarded the woman. The Catherine Carlisle sitting beside her now, the one wearing a uniform, was a far cry from the woman who had consoled her in her bedroom wearing a T-shirt and jeans three days before. That woman had been Catherine Carlisle. This woman was Deputy Carlisle, the professional.

  “She did,” Kara said. “To be honest, I’d forgotten. I just remembered when I heard you talking out front.”

  “That’s okay. I understand. I’m sure this is probably the last thing you want to talk about right now. I would’ve forgotten, too.”

  Kara forced a smile. She knew Catherine was trying to be amusing, but what Kara wanted right now wasn’t for this woman to try to be on her level. All Kara was hearing was: Hey, I can relate. I understand. I’m hip. I’m funny. Trust me. We’re the same, you and I. Not so different after all. Now tell me about the rape and spare no details.

  “So what did you want to know? I already told you everything,” Kara said.

  Catherine removed her hat and tossed it beside her. Then she leaned back and rested on her hands, taking in the view of the back yard. Long sigh. “So how’ve you been holding up?”

  “I’m doing all right,” Kara said. “I think I’m ready to get back to my life soon. I can’t stay home anymore. I’m going crazy.”

  “I think that’s a good idea. It’ll be good to surround yourself with your friends,” Catherine said, followed by a short pause before she continued. “Listen, I want to get this right out there before this goes any further. If you don’t want to talk, or if you want to tell me to take a hike, that’s fine. I would completely understand. Especially after how little we’ve done to bring you and your family the justice you deserve. I also don’t want to come down here and treat you like a child. If you want to answer some questions, that’s great. It would make my job a lot easier. But if you don’t, then that’s fine too. I promise I won’t keep anything from you, Kara. But you need to promise me the same. The lines of communication need to be fully open for this to be worthwhile. You understand?”

  Kara said nothing at first but found she was nodding in subconscious agreement without meaning to.

  “I need you to answer me, Kara. I need to hear it. I need to know you follow me, otherwise this is a waste of time for both of us.”

  Kara swallowed hard. “Yes. I understand.”

  “Okay. Good,” Catherine said. She leaned forward, wiping the dust off her hands. “Now like I was saying, I don’t want to keep anything from you, and I don’t want to treat you like some little kid who can’t handle the truth. So here it is. There is no evidence of the rape other than your bruises and your accusations, and that isn’t enough. That’s why Harry hasn’t been picked up yet. Maybe you already know this, maybe you don’t. I’m not sure what your parents have told you. But there it is. Without more, Harry won’t get brought in… ever. I know it doesn’t speak highly of the justice system. It’s just the way it is, unfortunately. But you might not even really care about what happens to him anymore. Am I right? You just want this over with so you can get on with your life? I wouldn’t blame you.”

  Again, Kara nodded unintentionally. She was captivated by the sudden, blunt honesty of Catherine. She’d expected more consoling dialogue, where the ultimate goal was to coerce information out of her with a gentle hand, but what she was getting instead was raw and real. And for the first time since being attacked, she felt she was being treated with respect and not pity. There were no fragile touches here. Just two equals having a conversation. “Yeah, I guess so,” Kara said. “I am sick of the whole thing, to be honest. It just seems like it would be a lot easier to forget about the entire thing.”

  “I’m sure it does seem that way right now,” Catherine said with slight hesitation. “But I hope you know how brave you were, Kara. Coming forward with this was not easy. I know that first hand.”

  “What do you mean?” Kara said. But what she was thinking was: How on earth could you possibly know? You don’t know how hard this was. Not unless…

  Catherine glanced down briefly, as if too ashamed to make eye contact with the world. “You’re going to make me spell it out, aren’t you? I thought I was being clear enough. But okay, fair is fair. I said I wouldn’t keep anything from you.” She laughed nervously, pausing for a moment. Then: “I was raped when I was just about your age, Kara. So when I tell you I know what you’re going through, I’m not just saying it… I really do know.”

  Kara looked at her oddly but genuinely. She didn’t know how to respond at first. Was this woman for real? Or was she just trying to gain trust? Kara didn’t think so. After what she’d been through, she couldn’t imagine a person lying about a thing like this. In fact, she would be willing to bet everything she cared about that Catherine was telling the truth. She could see it in her eyes and on her face. Perhaps a week ago she might not have recognized the look, but now she did. She did because it was staring her in the face every time she looked in the mirror.

  “What happened?” Kara asked timidly. It was strange being on the other side of this line of questioning. But it was a good strange. Not that she was happy to hear of another’s misfortune, but it put her at ease to be out of the spotlight, even if it was only for the moment.

  “I trusted the wrong person, I guess you could say. A boyfriend from high school, a real slick kind of guy who always seemed to say the right thing at the right time.” Catherine leaned closer to Kara as if she were about to impart some kind of secret knowledge. “Be careful of those types… trust me,” she said earnestly. “Someone who seems too perfect is usually hiding something.” She leaned back and continued. “Anyway, I dated him for a little while and things seemed great at first. The only bit of tension between us ever was that I refused to sleep with him because he was going off to college and I was one of those unlucky—or lucky, I still haven’t figured that out—saps who actually wanted to save myself for the man I would marry. And he just wasn’t it. For a little while a part of me thought he might be, but that was just young lust. I’m sure you’re familiar with what I mean.”

  Kara’s face flushed, and she flashed an embarrassed smile. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about—”

  “Yeah, yeah. ’Course you do. I was your age once. I remember what it was like. It’s just us girls here. You don’t need to be shy. It’s all normal teenage behavior, sweetie.”

  Kara gave a faint smirk and shook her head. Then she focused on her feet. She had never really considered anything she had ever done before as being lustful. That word just seemed so adult. Could she really think of herself that way? Doing adult things? Having adult feelings? It made her feel funny to think about it, and she didn’t know why.

  Catherine continued: “Anyway, he invited me to his prom, got me drunk—well to be fair, I got myself drunk, but he helped for sure—and then he took advantage of me. I don’t remember a lot, but I remember enough.” Catherine’s face went cold and distant. “Enough to know that what happened was not consensual. He never talked to me again after that ni
ght, only smiled at me in the halls whenever I’d see him at school. God, I can still see the smarmy smile. Sometimes I just wanted to walk up to him and rip his damn lips off.”

  It was clear to Kara that Catherine was trying hard to speak easily about something that was quite difficult for her. And for a moment, the woman sitting beside her did not look like a grown woman at all. For a moment, what Kara saw was a scared little girl, something similar to herself but also very different.

  “So what happened after?”

  “What happened? Well… nothing. I never told a soul. Not until now, anyway.” Catherine’s face brightened, and the chilled look evaporated. “For a while, it was only me and him that knew what had happened that night. And then a little while after, he died in a car crash. That just left me. I was the only one who knew. And I’ll tell you, it’s a terrible thing to have to harbor a secret like that alone. Eats you up. It was like that for a long time, too… until now, I suppose. You’re the first person I’ve actually ever told about this.” She turned to Kara and smiled sincerely, nodding. There was a look of relief—or something like it—in her eyes. Perhaps it was the look of a burden lifted.

  “Did you have something to do with his car accident?” Kara asked, her eyes wide. She felt stupid immediately after that question passed through her lips.

  Catherine let out a whooping laugh. “Ha! No, darling, I didn’t. I’m no murderer. I mean I can’t say I didn’t think about getting revenge on him ever, but I never acted on anything. No, that accident was just the world’s way of righting a wrong. That happens more than you’d think. Karma, I guess, if you believe in that sort of thing. I didn’t always, but now I’m thinking maybe I do. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t happy when I found out he’d died. It sure didn’t make dealing with what he’d done to me any easier, though. That part still, well, hurt like hell inside. It isn’t easy to have something like that taken from you. It’s losing a part of yourself, and you mourn it just like you’d mourn losing anything that was important to you: with time and strength.”

  “Does it ever change? Does it get easier?” Kara asked with a hint of desperation in her voice.

  “I wish I could tell you it does. Unfortunately, it never gets easier, you only get used to it. And I know that’s a tough truth to hear. But it will do you good to know that you can’t forget a thing like that. It’s a part of you now. A scar. It doesn’t have to be who you are, but it is a part of you. You need to accept that you’ll have to live with it. Don’t run from it, just beat it back whenever it tries to consume you. That’s how you win. It sure as hell isn’t fair, I know, but it’s the reality of the situation. And you have to be honest. Not with everything, if you know what I mean, but at least with yourself—that’s most important. Don’t live a lie. I know it may sound a little strange, or that I’m being a little harsh, but I think you understand what I’m trying to say. You do, don’t you?”

  “I guess so, yeah,” Kara said. And she did. She’d always understood. Even when she’d convinced herself that forgetting about the rape and moving on was the best medicine, she’d understood.

  “Sometimes I wish I’d spoken up and told someone,” Catherine went on. “I don’t know if anything would’ve come of it, but I should’ve tried, at least. I think it might have given me a better sense of justice. Death was too easy on him. I would’ve liked it better if the whole world knew what type of monster he was. Wounds heal a lot faster when you don’t keep them covered, you know?”

  “Yeah, well, sometimes I wish I’d done what you did and not told anyone. It would’ve been easier, if you ask me,” Kara said.

  Catherine leaned forward, rubbing her hands slowly on her shins. “I know you think that now. But believe me, it isn’t. I always told myself that the reason I kept quiet was because I didn’t want to give that bastard the satisfaction of taking anything else from me—like my pride, for instance—or I thought people would look at me different if they found out. Label me a tease who’d deserved it or something. But the truth is, I was just scared. That’s all it ever boiled down to. I was afraid of what would happen. That’s why I never spoke up. I just wanted to salvage my life. And back then I thought stuffing it under the rug was the only way to do that. It wasn’t the best choice, now that I look back on it. Probably it’s the reason I haven’t ever had a decent romantic relationship. I never dealt with it like I should’ve.”

  “Why are you telling me all this?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. I think at first I was trying to get you to trust me so you’d talk to me candidly. But now I don’t know. It kind of just burst out of me. Maybe I just saw an opportunity to finally tell someone who could relate.” Catherine shook her head. “Look at me. I’m supposed to be the grown-up here, and it turns out I might’ve been looking for support in you.”

  Kara straightened her posture and tried to elongate her body, as if for some reason she needed to show this woman that she could be strong. “I’m really sorry that happened to you, Miss Carlisle.” She was stuck somewhere between Deputy and Catherine, so she settled on Miss. “But I still don’t really understand what it is you want from me. I’ve already told you what happened. I’ll admit maybe I’ve been a little afraid, and I’ve been trying to ignore what happened. But I promise I haven’t kept anything from you.”

  Catherine sat up straight again. More professional. “I know. But did you ever think that maybe when you were in a rush to forget the attack, maybe you missed a few details about what occurred that evening? Things you might not even know you know? I’m not accusing you of doing this on purpose, but sometimes it happens. You were really upset at the time.”

  “I don’t know. I guess so, maybe.”

  “Do you think I could ask you some questions? Would that be okay?” Catherine asked.

  Kara folded her arms, cradling her elbows, and said, “I don’t mind. Go ahead.”

  Catherine twisted at the waist to face Kara. “Okay. Now you feel free to stop at any time if you’d like.”

  “I’ll be fine,” Kara said.

  “Can you start by telling me about Saturday again? Maybe tell me about work.”

  “Sure. Saturday was my first day. It was kind of dull, to be honest. I spent most of the time working with a woman—I think her name was Brenda—just filing papers and answering phones. I can’t say I was looking forward to an entire summer of doing that, but I knew it would look good for college, so I guess it’s worth it.”

  “Brenda Fahey,” Catherine said. “I know her.”

  Kara nodded. “That’s right, yeah.”

  “And when did you first meet Harry Bennett?” Catherine asked.

  “He stopped in to introduce himself later in the day. And a few times when I was on the phone he walked by and stuck his head in but never said anything. I didn’t really talk to him. Mostly he just worked with his door closed.”

  “Do you remember seeing him leave for the day?”

  “Yes. He came in and told Brenda he was leaving. He said he had errands to run and work to do at his house. I didn’t think twice about it at the time, but I remember Brenda making a comment after he walked out. She thought it was funny he told her he was leaving because she said he never told her when he was coming and going. Said he always came and left as he pleased. And she wasn’t sure why he told her this time. It seemed like a joke, is all.”

  “Do you remember what time that was?”

  “No. Not exactly,” Kara said, lowering her arms over her stomach. “Maybe around three or four o’clock. I know we locked up at five, and he left an hour or two before that, so yeah, I’d say around three or four. Definitely.”

  “And what happened after he left?” Catherine asked, her questions coming faster now.

  “Nothing,” Kara said. “We just continued working until it was time to go home.”

  “And when you did leave, what then? When did you see Harry next?”

  Kara narrowed her eyes, thinking. “Brenda showed me how to lock up the offices.
That took a few minutes. Then she got in her car and left. I could have asked her for a ride, but I didn’t want to be a bother, and it was nice out so I didn’t mind walking. I left the parking lot and decided to take Union Street, you know, the road that goes by the grocery store, so that I could take the cut-through path that connects to Durham Street. I was about halfway there when I heard a car pull up beside me. It was a big red car. I’m not sure what kind. It drove alongside me for a second and I kept walking, ignoring it. Eventually I looked, I mean like really looked, and I recognized the driver. He smiled at me and said hello. It was Harry Bennett. He stopped me and asked what I thought of my first day working in the Mayor’s Office. Then he asked where I lived, and when I told him, he said that it would be dark before I got home and that I shouldn’t be walking the back roads all by myself. That’s when he offered me a ride. I said no at first and said I liked to walk, but he kept insisting. And to be honest, I felt like I kind of had to say yes, you know? I mean, he was my boss and I didn’t want to come off as rude. It just felt wrong to turn down a favor from the mayor. You know what I mean?”

  “I do,” Catherine said. “And I’m sure he knew it too.”

  Kara continued: “Okay. Well, after I got in, he turned around and started driving in the other direction. I didn’t think anything about it at first because Union Street wasn’t the best way to get to my house by car anyway. So I thought he was just going to take me back through town and drop me off that way. But he didn’t. He turned before we even got back by Town Hall and drove toward Baker’s Pond. He told me we were taking a detour. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now that I think about it, he was acting kind of strange. He kept looking all around as if he was trying to find something. Like turning his head and taking extra long at each intersection, looking down every street. He seemed nervous, I guess. Fidgety. And he kept talking about how these bugs might ruin the Spring Festival and how important the festival was to the town. And he asked me how I felt about it. If I knew how important it was to the town.”