The Wanton Widow - A Regency Novella

by Caylen McQueen

  “Y-you have nice eyes too, Miss Worthington,” Edward said. “They almost look like--”

  “She does have beautiful eyes,” Philip interrupted. “They're lovely, just as every inch of her is lovely.” He leaned toward the widow and kissed her neck.

  He was tickling her nape, so Willow shoved his face away from her. “Oh my. I can't remember the last time I've been called Miss Anything! Please, I must insist you call me Willow.”

  “Very well. Willow,” Edward corrected himself.

  The cook returned with the second course, which consisted of roast beef and cooked carrots. Willow, who was a great fan of carrots, immediately skewered one and shoved it into her mouth. It was surely improper, the way she gobbled her food. At the moment, however, she did not think her present company would judge her.

  That is, until Philip said, “Darling, you eat like a pig.”

  “I do?” She responded to his criticism by shoving a second carrot into her mouth, which made her cheeks expand like a squirrel's.

  “You do. Like a veritable sow!” Philip unabashedly brushed a hand across her stomach. “Fortunately, devouring food is the only trait you share with a pig. You're quite slender.”

  Willow extracted his hand from her stomach and placed it on the table. She wasn't too thrilled to have his hands on her when they were in the company of another man.

  “Hopefully not too slender. I would want to look healthy,” Willow said. “What do you think, Edward? Do you think I am too slender?”

  “N-no. I think you have a fine figure, Willow,” Edward said. “A fine figure indeed.”

  “Alas, our dear friend Edward is hardly an expert when it comes to female bodies. Edward is a--”

  Before Philip could complete his thought, Edward kicked him under the table. He kicked him so hard, it jarred the table, and a bit of wine splashed out of Willow's cup.

  “He is a what?” she pressed.

  “He's never been with a woman before,” Philip finished, ignoring the look of desperation on his friend's pleading face. “And at his age too! It's quite pitiful, really.”

  Edward's lower lip sagged. “Yes, yes. You can t-tease me all you would like. I already know how pitiful I am. It's n-n-nothing I haven't heard before.”

  “He's never known what it's like to have a woman lying in his arms...” As Philip went on, a hint of mischief flashed in his eyes. “He's never known a woman's touch... a woman's breasts... a woman's...”

  Willow balled a fist and slammed it into her lover's arm. It seemed to do the trick, as he immediately stopped talking.

  “Well, I think it is sweet,” Willow said, hoping to make the younger man feel better about his virginal status. “A woman is expected to wait until marriage, is she not? Why should something else be expected of a man?”

  Edward nodded his head in agreement, but Philip was clicking his tongue in disapproval.

  “It isn't natural for a man to wait. By the time he is fifteen, his loins are practically erupting!” Philip exclaimed. “I don't know how you've managed to hold out as long as you have, Ed!”

  “It really isn't so difficult,” Edward said.

  “Have you even kissed a woman?” Philip asked.

  “No.”

  “Good god, at least tell me you've held a woman in a warm embrace!”

  “My m-mother,” Edward said with a chuckle. “Does that count?”

  Willow puffed out her chest as she gave her opinion. “Well, I think Miss Abrahms, whomever she is, would be very lucky to have you!”

  “The fact of the matter is, we should not even be having this discussion, seeing as the lady in question won't have me. She deserves a far better man than me. I am not rich, I'm not handsome, nor could I engage her in proper discourse!”

  Willow smiled. He had spoken several sentences, and he didn't stutter once. Surely his stammer was something he could overcome? “And why not? Are we not engaging in proper discourse right now?”

  “You kn-know what I mean.” Edward's head fell between his shoulders again. “I c-c-can't even say her name without s-s-stumbling over my words.”

  By the time dessert arrived, he was utterly ashamed of himself.

  * * *

  “So what do you think of Wilomena?”

  Immediately after supper, the men retired to the parlor, where they smoked and sipped port. In other words, Philip smoke and drank port. Edward, as innocent as he was, did not engage in either activity.

  “I think she is very beautiful,” Edward said, watching his friend puff a ring of smoke into the air.

  “Is that all?”

  “She is very kind, caring, and thoughtful. She seems like a genuine lady, and I'm n-n-ot quite sure I approve.”

  “And what's that supposed to mean? You think she is too good for me?!” Though he had prompted his friend's assessment, his ire was mounting.

  “N-no. I think y-y-you should marry her.” Edward had to force the words out of his mouth, because he knew they would make Philip cross. Recognizing the anger in his friend's eyes, he sank into a chair and started fidgeting with his hands.

  “Wonderful. As if I hadn't heard this before!” Philip groaned. “Earlier, Willow mentioned the word marriage. Twice. She said it was in jest, but I am seriously starting to doubt that. What if a proposal is her ultimate goal?!”

  “Would that be so terrible?”

  “Yes! Yes, it would!” Philip downed his spirits and poured himself another glass. “Believe me, marriage is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm not like you, Ed. I'm not looking for a wife.”

  “M-maybe you should,” Edward suggested. “Maybe the marital state isn't as awful as you think it is. I think it would be nice to have a p-permanent com-companion.”

  “Permanent!” Philip's voice squeaked as he repeated the word. “Your choice of word terrifies me, friend. Permanent!” He crashed in a chair and jabbed his cigar in Edward's direction. “I'm perfectly content with having her as my mistress!”

  “You wanted my opinion, you got my opinion,” Edward said. “She is a fine lady, and she deserves something more.”

  “Well, maybe you can marry her when I'm done with her,” Philip said with a chuckle. “That's not to say I intend to tire of her any time soon. I'm rather enjoying her company... and her supple body.”

  A few seconds later, the door opened, and Wilomena joined them in the parlor. Her pale blue frock swished around her ankles as she drifted into the room. “Are you trying to abandon me, gentlemen?” she accused them.

  “Not at all, my dear. Would you care for a drink?”

  “Indeed.” Willow went to the table and poured herself a glass. When she looked over at the men, they were looking a bit sheepish, which prompted her to ask, “You gentlemen weren't talking about me, I hope?”

  “N-n-no!”

  “Not at all, Willow, my dear. Not in the least.”

  Her incredulity was written on her face in the form of a hooked eyebrow. “So you say.”

  And with that, she downed her liquor in a single swig, not unlike a raucous sailor.

  Chapter Five

  “Get back here, minx!”

  Philip reached out to grab her, but Willow was too fast. She darted through the doorway, never mind the fact that she was wearing her bodice and petticoat. In an attempt to evade his tickling hands, she rushed down the hallway. Philip gave chase, flexing his fingers, which were prepared to tickle her again and again. Their horseplay led them past a footman, who was scratching his head—and secretly marveling at the sight of the widow in her underclothes.

  “Did you consume some turtle tincture, Phil?” she taunted him. “You are, after all, terribly slow!”

  “I'll punish you for that, Willow!” he promised her. Philip chased her down the stairs and into the foyer, where a familiar face was waiting.

  Edward Harcourt had just arrived. He was standing next to the butler, and he had a puppy in his hands.

  As soon as she saw Edward, Willow stopped running. Philip, wh
o was not as attentive, ended up slamming into her. The force of his body sent her sailing to the ground. Upon landing, half of her breasts popped out of her bodice. When Edward crouched down to help her to her feet, he got a more than ample eyeful.

  “Are you okay, Miss Worthington?” Edward asked. He cradled his puppy in one hand as he hoisted her aloft.

  “I'm quite fine,” she insisted, trying to stuff her heaping bosoms into her bodice. What had possessed her to go running around the house in such scanty attire? “I would be better if I did not have a dunderheaded brute for a lover!”

  “Sorry, my lovely,” Philip apologized, though he didn't look the least bit guilty. In fact, he was grinning.

  “My apologies, Mr. Harcourt. You should not have been subjected to the sight of this,” Willow said, motioning toward her body and its current state of undress.

  “I don't think you have to apologize, sweeting. I am sure this will be the best part of young Edward's day, if not his entire life.”

  Willow's hands flew to her hips. “And you don't sound the least bit concerned that he's seeing me in such a state! I should box your ears, you lout!”

  “I would like to see you try.” Philip raised his hands and flexed his fingers again, which is what he usually did when he was threatening her with tickles.

  Willow gave the earl a gentle shove and turned her attention back to Edward Harcourt. More specifically, her eyes were on the puppy he held in his hands. It was a scraggly brown terrier mix, and it had the most adorable face she had ever seen. “Where did you get the puppy, Edward?” she asked. As she reached toward the puppy, it jabbed her with its wet, black nose.

  “My Cynthia recently had a litter,” Edward said. He extended the puppy toward Willow, so she scooped it into her hands and cradled it against her chest. “I thought you might like to have one of the puppies?”

  “No,” Philip said.

  “Of course!” Willow squealed. She held the puppy to her face and kissed it a few times, and it responded by licking her on the nose.

  “NO,” Philip reiterated, louder this time. “I'll not have some mutt sullying my house and devouring my furniture. I'll have nothing to do with it!”

  “What if it would make me happy, Phil?” Willow asked. Tilting her head, she tried to disarm him with a precious pout.

  “It won't make the servants happy, not when they'll be the ones cleaning up after it.” As he spoke, Philip flashed a murderous look at his friend.

  “Please? Oh, please, Phil! I really quite love it!” Willow held the puppy to her cheek, and when she did, it licked her earlobe.

  “No. And I won't change my mind on the matter!”

  “Please??” Willow's bottom lip protruded even further. She was going to get him to capsize somehow, some way.

  “No!”

  “Very well...” She started to hand the puppy over to Edward, “I suppose I will have to live with my crushing disappointment. I'll have to mend my broken heart... fill the void... dry my tears...”

  “Wait.” Philip took the puppy from Edward and handed it back to Willow, who accepted it with a smile. “Keep the puppy. I will... try to tolerate it.”

  “Oh! Thank you ever so much, Phil! I won't forget it!” Willow started to kiss Philip, but she decided to kiss the puppy instead. Several times. “And thank you for the gift, Edward. I will treasure it.”

  “It's my p-pleasure, Willow,” Edward said with a bow. “I thought it might give you some happiness. And look... the puppy seems to adore you already!” At the moment, the puppy was whimpering and pawing, a desperate attempt to get closer to the lady who held him.

  “Now, if you two will excuse me, I have some business to attend to,” Philip said. He kept staring at the puppy as if it was something infernal. “If you need me, Willow, I will be in the study.”

  “Wait.” Before he could exit, Willow seized his arm. “You're just going to leave me in the foyer? In my undergarments? With another man?!”

  Philip shrugged, as if he wasn't the least bit concerned. “Why should I mind? It isn't as if Ed poses any threat whatsoever.”

  “And why not? Edward is a handsome man... in his own way!” Willow exclaimed. “And yet you're completely content to leave me with him in a state of undress?”

  “If it bothers you that much, my dear...” In the middle of his sentence, Philip leaned forward and kissed her on the head, “get dressed.”

  And with that, Philip hurried off and left them in the foyer together.

  “So...” As soon as they were alone, Edward's ears starting turning a mottled crimson. Being alone with a half-naked lady wasn't something he had done before. “P-Perhaps I should excuse myself?”

  “Nonsense!” Still holding the puppy, Willow grabbed Edward's arm and proceeded to drag him through the house. “Who says I cannot entertain our guest?” She led him to one of the sitting rooms and plopped on the floor with the puppy. The tiny beast immediately started gnawing the hem of her petticoat. “Would you like some refreshments? Some tea, perhaps?”

  “N-n-no thanks. I-I'm quite c-c-content.” As soon as Philip had excused himself, Edward could feel his stutter getting worse and worse.

  When she saw him approaching the settee, she exclaimed, “Sit on the floor with me!”

  “P-Pardon?”

  “The floor,” Willow repeated. “Why not join me on the floor? We can play with the puppy together.”

  Edward opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He was so taken aback by the situation, he could scarcely remember the English language, let alone, his own name. When he sat on the floor, the puppy bounded toward him and head-butted him in the knee.

  “So, what do you think I should call him?” Willow started crawling on her hands and knees, chasing the overzealous puppy around the room. When she did, her bosoms threatened to explode from her bodice. Edward was so undone by the sight, he had to loosen his cravat in order to breathe.

  “Wh-who?”

  “The puppy!” Willow exclaimed. “He should have a name, should he not? Maybe I should name him after you?”

  “I d-don't know about that.”

  “Perhaps Eddie?” she suggested with a smile. “Or Harry for Harcourt?”

  “I think you should n-name him whatever you would like.”

  “Then Eddie it shall be!” Willow declared. She scooped the puppy from the floor and cradled it against her cheek, which had the animal convulsing with spasms of excitement. It's tiny pink tongue shot out and tickled her chin.

  “I envy him,” Edward said.

  “Who? The puppy?” Willow asked with a giggle. “If you'd like, I'll let you lick my face as well!”

  “N-no!” Edward laughed at her suggestion. “Philip. I envy Lord Mowbray. H-he has everything a man could want. He has a title, a fortune, good looks. And... he has you.”

  “I am sure I am nothing worth envying,” Willow said, dismissing his statement with a flick of her hand.

  “N-no. You are. You're a very beautiful woman.”

  Willow lowered the puppy to the floor and started crawling toward Edward. She sat next to him on the floor; of course, the puppy refused to be abandoned. Eddie bounded over to Willow and sprang into her lap. “Are you flirting with me, Mr. Harcourt?”

  “N-no! N-n-nothing like that!” Edward stuttered. “I only hope my fr-friend will appreciate what he has.”

  “Actually, I'm quite certain he takes me for granted. When a man believes he has already won his girl, he stops wooing her altogether!”

  “Do you care for him?”

  The puppy rolled onto its back, so Willow started scratching his stomach. “Philip? Yes, I suppose I do.”

  “Well, it he ever treats you badly, let me know,” Edward said. “I will be sure to b-box his ears.”

  “Thank you, Edward. It is good to know I have a champion in you. Although... if my brother ever catches up to us, I am sure Philip will be in for the thrashing of his life.”

  “Your brother disapproves?”


  “I am his only sister, and now I am the mistress of one of his friends. It is not as if he could ever condone this!”

  “Are you h-happy?”

  “I am.”

  “Do you not want to get m-married someday?”

  “I was already married. And believe me, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.” The puppy rolled over, so Willow stroked its back.

  “M-maybe you were married to the wrong man?” Edward suggested. “M-maybe if you found the right man, he could make you--”

  “Enough!” Willow interrupted. She shouted so loudly, she made Eddie lurch. “Enough about me. Let us talk about you, Edward. Are you still infatuated with... what was her name?”

  “Miss Abrahms.”

  “Right. Miss Abrahms.” The puppy started chewing the ends of her hair, so she tossed her wild locks over her shoulder.

  “Jane Abrahms is an angel. Her face is like porcelain, her eyes are like a doll's eyes. Her hair looks like spun gold, and she has the most delicate little nose I have ever seen,” Edward said. “So to answer your question... yes. I believe I might be infatuated with her.” He ended his sentence with a chuckle.

  “You didn't stammer.”

  “Pardon?”

  “You didn't stammer. When you were describing Miss Abrahms... you never stuttered.”

  “Well, as long as I d-do st-stutter, I have no chance of wooing her.”

  “But I still believe you could overcome it!” Willow exclaimed. “Do you think I could help you?”

  “H-how do you intend to help me?”

  When she stopped petting him, Eddie rolled onto his back and started kicking the air with his padded feet. That did the trick, because her hands were back on his belly in an instant.

  “I can help you woo the woman of your dreams,” Willow said. “And I can help you overcome your stammer. Every time I hear you stumble on your words... I'll pinch you.”

  “Pinch me?!”

  “Yes. I'll pinch you. But I won't pinch too hard, as I wouldn't want to hurt you.”

  “Is this really something I should s-subject myself to?”

  Willow pinched his arm.