Wounded Hearts: Men in Blue, Book 5

by Jayne Rylon

  “What else helps?” she asked. “Anything?”

  His answer came too quickly to be genuine. “Nah.”

  Ellie smacked his belly. It might as well have been a drumhead, given the resulting thwack.

  “Hey.” He held his hands up, palms out. “Okay, fine. Massage helps too. Like the one you gave me before. I’m supposed to do that to myself three to five times a day.”

  “Yeah, I bet. Coming usually helps me settle down too.” She beamed, intentionally misunderstanding.

  “Not that kind.” His tone said exasperation, but his smile and twinkling eyes proclaimed his appreciation for their exchange. “It’s also helping me build tolerance to touch on the sensitive areas of my stump.”

  “Why don’t you call it a residual limb?” she wondered.

  “I guess that sounds too tidy to me.” Lucas shifted, rubbing his thigh through the sheet as if talking about his leg made him more aware of it. “My scar is kind of nasty. Because of the way the bone was crushed and how they tried to save as much as possible, despite the necrosis that developed while I was—”

  “Being stubborn.” She bit her lip. “I know. Jambi told me about what she saw that day in the hotel bathroom. You’re lucky the infection didn’t kill you, you know.”

  “So I’ve been told. Repeatedly.”

  “But now you’re older and wiser, right?” She nudged him toward her goal.

  “What are you getting at?”

  “You know something that helps, so let me do it for you.”

  Ellie didn’t dare whip the sheet off of him, though she could have. She’d had her choices stolen enough to know that forcing someone wasn’t the way to make them comfortable.

  “I just told you it’s…ugly.”

  “And I already told you that I don’t give a shit.” She glared at him. “Why don’t you believe me? Have I ever lied to you? I’ve been nothing but honest, even when it was humiliating. Shove me away again if you have to. I’ll just keep coming back. I’m a glutton for punishment like that, I guess.”

  “Fuck.” Lucas scrubbed his hands over his face then through his hair, putting his colorfully tattooed sleeves on display. “It’s not you, E.”

  “I’m starting to believe that’s true.” The thought didn’t make her any happier. She hated that he was in pain and had licked his wounds solo for so long.

  “If you don’t want to anymore, after you see it, that’s fine.” He cringed.

  “Show me.”

  Slowly, he drew away the thin material keeping him from sight. The fact that his cock and balls were equally on display didn’t seem to bother him in the least. Distracted, she forgot to look at his leg for a minute.

  Lucas caught her spying on his junk and laughed. “I guess you’re right. I didn’t have to worry. You’re never going to see it anyway.”

  “Sorry.” She slapped her palm over her eyes to block the temptation. Then peeled it away, her gaze aimed lower.

  “Oh, Lucas.” She didn’t hesitate, reaching out to trace the long gash that went kind of crookedly across the front of his limb, unlike the clean incision she’d seen on AmputeeOT’s videos earlier. No wonder this hurt. “Do they say this will fade with time? The pain, not the scars.”

  “It should, but we’re at the stage now where it’s been long enough, that if I don’t see improvement soon, it could be a lifelong problem.” Tension strung his shoulders tightly together. The idea upset him. As it should.

  “We’re a terrible pair, aren’t we?” She sat cross-legged, putting his thigh in her sheet-draped lap as she began to run her fingers over him, helping him adjust to the presence of her touch. As he relaxed more and more, she deepened the caresses, massaging the muscles there.

  The fact that her breasts were on display, an easy thing for him to focus on, didn’t bother her in the least. She had nothing to hide from him anymore.

  Lucas groaned then nodded. “We are. Both of us crippled in one way or another.”

  “I’m not sure I appreciate that label, but…okay, yeah.” She peeked down at her handiwork. It was a bit of a shock every time she saw his reconfigured body. But only because he’d kept himself concealed from her for so long.

  “I own my issues. I told you I’m fucked up.” He added softly, “I just don’t like other people to know about it if I can help it.”

  “Is that why you’ve gotten so many tattoos lately? Are you trying to compensate for the parts of your body you’re unhappy with? Is it like, wallpapering over your scars?” she asked, though not with derision. More like fascination. Her fingertip stretched out, tracing some of the swirls around his elbows before returning to her work on his leg.

  “I guess. I always liked ink on other people. In my line of work, it was strictly forbidden. Too identifiable. But, now, that’s not my life anymore. I can do some stuff I couldn’t before.”

  “Well, I like them. They’re hot.” She bit her lip, embarrassed she’d admitted out loud what her dilating pupils had already probably communicated to him. “I have one too. Want to see?”

  “I should say no. You don’t need to be any sexier to me.” He reached out, trailing his knuckles over the upper swell of her breast. “Besides, I kind of saw it earlier. Not clearly. I admit I was focused on other parts of you when you tortured me with your little striptease. Which I will get back at you for sometime, by the way. But it seemed pretty sweet.”

  “Looking forward to that.” She smiled as she gave his leg a few lingering rubs before twisting at the waist to grant him a clear view.

  On her shoulder there was a Victorian-style birdcage with broken black feathers lying on the bottom. The door was open and a bird rocketed from inside, wings spread, rising above it. The beak and plumage of the bird were vividly colored where it had been reborn postcaptivity. Its tail feathers, which hadn’t yet cleared the open door, were the shade of midnight.

  “It’s beautiful.” He wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her into his lap so he had an up-close view. “And sad. Determined and hopeful. It’s you.”

  Lucas kissed the design softly, bringing tears to her eyes.

  She nodded. Of course he would get it.

  Angling herself so that she faced him, she looped her arms around his waist and hugged him. “When you got me out of there, I felt like a snake shedding its skin or a bird molting, sloughing off the person I’d become to survive. That’s not who I want to be. I want to make the most of life, now that I know how fragile it really is. For me, that means finding someone to spend my time with, enjoying every moment and, as much as possible, refusing to dwell on the past.”

  Ellie peeked up at him from beneath lowered lashes.

  Did he know what she was saying?

  “You think you’re ready for a relationship?” He swallowed hard, making her fingers itch to stroke his stubbly jaw.

  “Yes. With the right person.” This time she refused to glance away.

  Lucas sighed. That couldn’t be a good sign.

  “What?” She tipped her head as she studied him.

  “I don’t know how to ask this really.” He rested his forehead on hers.

  “Just say, ‘Hey Ellie, want to be my girlfriend?’” She teased him, hoping to make him squirm a little. “I’ll say yes and then we can celebrate with a round of spring-bending sex. How about it?”

  This time he laughed. She loved the sound of it, rich and honest. It didn’t last very long, though.

  His brows furrowed and his eyes grew serious. “Despite the fact that I’m a decade older than you, and how our lives are completely out of whack right now, I would love that, but…”

  “No buts.” She put her fingers over his mouth. Until she realized he was serious. Something was bugging him. “You’re not kidding… Crap, sorry. What’s bothering you?”

  “Before, when I got you off—”

&nb
sp; “Mmm,” she hummed and rocked closer to him, just remembering how skilled he had been at manipulating her in all the best ways.

  Lucas took her hand in one of his and entwined their fingers. He paused then said in a rush, “Could you feel the effects of Sex Offender on you still?”

  The temptation to deny it was strong. Founding a relationship—if that was what they were doing—on anything but sincerity, frankness and candor wasn’t part of her blueprint, though. “Yes. The doctors believe it’s a permanent mutation. Because I took the drug so many times. They’re not sure, though, since my case is one of the first. I’m pretty much the only person to have survived after that kind of massive, repetitive usage. Most people OD’d before they got to where I was. Does that bother you? Is that why you stopped—?”

  Suddenly she felt entirely too close to him. How could she not have realized how much she’d disgusted him? That he’d rejected her without her even realizing it.

  Ellie scrambled backward until she nearly fell off the edge of the bed.

  “Hey, come on.” He reached for her, but she shied away.

  “I accept you as you are, and you pull that bullshit with me, because I’m different? I can’t control it or undo what they did to me, any more than you can regenerate your stupid leg. How the hell is that fair?” His rebuff stung. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or punch him in the nuts, but she was leaning toward violence when he held his hands up in surrender.

  “Give me some credit here.” Lucas inched closer. “It’s not that I’m repulsed or something.”

  “Sure?” Bitterness seeped from her now that he’d lanced the wound. “Because I’ve probably fucked half of the men in a three-state radius. How I didn’t end up pregnant or infected with any incurable diseases is kind of a miracle. There’s no part of me that hasn’t been violated repeatedly. Nothing about me would be yours alone. And as if that weren’t bad enough, I’m some kind of sex junkie now. Every time you turn me on, you’ll be reminded of those facts. I guess that’s not really what a man wants for his significant other, is it?”

  “E, stop.”

  Ellie continued rambling, spewing an assortment of hateful things she’d thought plenty of times about herself, although it twisted her up to imagine Lucas aiming that kind of malice at her.

  “E!”

  He shocked her with his speed and his strength. Lucas grabbed her shoulders and hauled her close then tumbled them to the mattress. He held himself above her on straight-locked arms that allowed him to stare directly into her eyes without pinning her to the mattress.

  Before she could continue her demeaning rant, he sank lower and fused his mouth with hers.

  The sweep of his lips transformed her ire into something warmer and welcome. He slanted his mouth over hers and tickled the seam of her lips with his tongue until he cajoled his way past her prickly defenses. Maybe she had overreacted. He had trod directly on her insecurities, mashing all her hot buttons at once.

  This was a much preferable way to burn. Ellie arched against him, inviting him to steal much more than first base.

  A gentleman at heart, he didn’t. Once he’d shut her up, he rolled off, flopping onto his back.

  With nowhere to hide, his cock proclaimed that Lucas wasn’t as unaffected as he might like to appear.

  Thank God.

  Ellie sucked in a lungful of air to replace the oxygen they’d depleted during their marathon make-out. She turned just her head to peek at him from where they now lay side by side.

  “I was sort of hoping you might like the idea of having a superfreak in bed. Or that my newfound sexual appetite might be the silver lining, not another black mark.”

  Discreetly, she sniffled, trying her damnedest not to cry in front of him.

  “When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like such a terrible thing.” Lucas wiggled his brows, making her laugh despite her misery. “But, Ellie, even down a foot, I’m man enough to give you as much pleasure as you can stand. I don’t fucking need to cheat by banking on the aftereffects of Sex Offender.”

  Wait. Was this his ego talking? Had it been bruised by her condition?

  “I…I didn’t think of it like that.” She frowned. “Is that what you thought? That I wasn’t enjoying what we did because of you? Only because of the drugs?”

  “I didn’t know what to think. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it surprised me. You looked so… Damn. Like Nymphomaniac Barbie or something.”

  That certainly seemed like a compliment when he said it so reverently.

  He took some time to choose his next words carefully. “So, what exactly does it do to you? What does it feel like? Are you in control? I’m terrified that if I’m in to what we’re doing to each other, I’ll think you are too when really it’s just a chemical reaction, not your true desire causing you to respond to me.”

  “Oh.” When she thought about it from his perspective, she could see exactly why he’d balked. His noble nature wouldn’t allow him to take advantage of someone’s condition like that.

  “Hmm.” She tapped her fingers on her belly, where she’d stacked her hands. “When I’m turned on it’s like…going to the grocery store when you haven’t eaten yet. Lots of stuff starts to look good to me. But I have enough control over those urges to only buy the things I would normally, even if it’s uncomfortable to suppress a craving.”

  He cursed under his breath.

  “But before…with you…it was amazing.” Part of her figured that would have been true even if she’d fooled around with him prior to her run-in with Sex Offender. “It was more like when you eat a small lunch, knowing you’re going out to a fancy restaurant later. It was a good kind of deprivation, with a payoff almost as fantastic as something chocolatey for dessert.”

  “Hey.” He reached over and tweaked her nipple, making them both crack up. Then, he double-checked, “So you really liked it? You. Not you under the influence of that shit.”

  Ellie didn’t respond reflexively, she really took time to analyze in hindsight. The way she’d acted with him might have been amplified, but the desires were hers. Truly.

  “Yep.” She stared up at his handsome face as she confessed, “I’ve wanted to do that for a while now.”

  “Me too.” Lucas dropped a kiss on her shoulder. “Maybe sometime—now that we know each other’s deepest, darkest secrets—we could try it again. And if you’re ever…needy…I want you to tell me so I can take care of you.”

  “Like ring a bell every time I need you to toss me a bang?” If she didn’t laugh, she’d cry.

  Fortunately, it turned out that Mr. Serious Pants actually had a sense of humor buried under his perfectly pressed clothes. Or maybe his injury was teaching him to lighten up. Either way, she liked the new Lucas.

  “So, can I ask one more thing, or are you tired of my questions?” He wasn’t being flippant. Over the past seven months he’d faced endless interrogations and concern from everyone around him. He knew how exhausting it could be to mull over your worst problems constantly.

  “Go for it.” She smiled.

  “Do you think this is how you’ll always be?” He rubbed his thigh. “Has it faded since you got out? Or will it weaken over time, like I hope my phantom pains will?”

  “Nah, I think I’m pretty much destined to be a sex fiend for life. My doctors say I’m always going to have an abnormally high sex drive.” Ellie choked down her embarrassment and told him everything. If he was going to be the one for her, he had to go into this knowingly. “I get horny a lot. And if I don’t do something about it, it can hurt. Bad.”

  “Ah shit.” He rolled onto his side, propping his head on his palm and slinging the other arm across her middle. “Did I leave you in a rough place this morning? You should have told me.”

  “It’s not your fault.” She laughed, though it was strained. “And don’t feel bad either. I t
ook care of myself a few times while you were in the shower.”

  He groaned. “I would have loved to watch you play with that sweet pussy. In my bed. Son of a bitch.”

  The thickening shaft of his cock nudged her hip, giving her all sorts of ideas. But she had to finish this discussion now or she’d never find the nerve again. “I’m kind of an expert-level masturbator at this point. I can’t tell you how many vibrators I’ve worn out since you hauled me from Morselli’s dungeon.”

  “They don’t make shit like they used to. Cheap junk.” He grinned down at her, making her hungry for another taste of his smile. “Good news. I don’t break so easily. Hell, I’m practically a cyborg. I can take you.”

  “So, all this talk…” She rubbed against the full length of him, trying to ease some of the heat spreading through her. Unfortunately that only made it worse.

  “Yeah?” His eyes grew slumberous, as if he imagined the possibilities like she did.

  “It’s turning me on.”

  “Me too. What do you think we should do about that, E?”

  “How about a medicinal fuck?”

  Chapter Nine

  “Like actual sex?” Lucas grimaced.

  Not a good sign, Ellie figured, considering she’d just suggested they get down and dirty.

  “E, I know you’re going to be pissed, but I’m asking anyway. Are you sure you’re ready for that? You know, like penetration. My cock, your pussy…”

  He made the universal sign for sex with his index finger poking through the ring of his thumb and forefinger on the opposite hand a few times.

  A laugh blasted from her tight chest. Because he made discussing difficult topics easier. And because he was right. She was scared in tandem with being horny. When it came down to it, she hadn’t mentally prepared herself for getting it on with him today. Hell, she hadn’t even known she was going to see him again.

  Though obviously she wished it hadn’t been because he was hauling her ass from another fire, she couldn’t be sad about spending this time with Lucas. So she didn’t want to do anything that would screw up the memories they were making, in case that’s all she had later.