Not Quite A mom

by Kirsten Sawyer

  They both freeze and without a sound turn and look at me. Tiffany’s mouth is slightly agape. Courtney breaks the silence. “That’s my move! You go girl!!” she says and raises her glass of wine in the air. Tiffany lets out a whoop and sends her Coke up to meet Courtney’s glass. I just sit there, frozen. I cannot believe the words just came out of my mouth…and there’s more coming.

  “I think I want to be with Buck,” I say quietly. I’m not sure either of them heard me.

  “I told you so,” Tiffany sneers at me. I look up at Courtney. Even though in her mind she broke up with Buck (in Buck’s mind—and probably in reality—they were never together), I’m not sure how she’ll feel about this.

  “I think you’re perfect for each other,” she says matter-of-factly.

  “I think it might be too late,” I confess. His greeting when Dan and I picked Tiffany up five days earlier had been much different than usual.

  “You don’t think we can get you two together?” Courtney asks, referring to herself and Tiffany.

  My face breaks into a big smile and I start to get that excited feeling in the middle of my chest that only happens when you realize you like someone new.

  “What’s Plan A?” Tiffany asks Courtney with a giggle. Here we go again.

  “No, you guys,” I interrupt. “I can do this myself,” I tell them.

  “Okay,” Courtney nods. “But we’re here if you need us.” Then she raises her almost empty glass (again). “To Elizabeth and Buck!” she cheers. “And to me being single!” she adds.

  “Me too!” Tiffany echoes.

  We all clink glasses.

  54

  It’s one thing to make the decision to break up with Dan…actually doing it is a whole other ordeal. I made my decision Friday night and thought I would implement it Saturday before our scheduled date, but Dan showed up with flowers (granted, they were boring red roses, but still a nice gesture) and I didn’t have the heart. Then basically for the rest of the week I’ve been a chicken, but today I am going to do it. I am going over to Dan’s apartment after work and I am going to give him back the engagement ring and tell him it’s over.

  It’s a slow day at work, since we’re having our two-week summer hiatus. That means that for ten days audiences get to see “best of” episodes—aka repeats. I suppose it sucks for viewers, but it’s a great break for all of us who work on the show, especially because Renee hasn’t even been bothering to come into the office. A little after five o’clock I come out of my office and tell Hope that I’m cutting out early and she should do the same. I know that the courts adjourn at five on the dot and that Dan will be home soon. I’ve got to get this over with sooner rather than later, and before I lose my nerve (again).

  During the entire drive to Dan’s apartment, I rehearse what I am going to say to him. It’s been running through my mind nonstop all week, and weighing me down with worry and guilt. As nervous as I am, I am also relieved that today will finally be the day. I’m also excited to have it done with, because once I’m officially broken up with Dan, I can tell Buck exactly how I feel about him. That conversation has also been running through my head endlessly.

  I pull up to Dan’s apartment, park, and get out of the car. The butterflies in my stomach are going crazy—I’m almost dizzy with anxiety as I walk up to the apartment. I peek into the building’s gated parking area and confirm that Dan’s car is parked in his assigned spot. Then I take a deep breath and walk up to his door. I start to reach for his key on my key ring, but knock on the door instead. While I wait for him to answer, I slip the key off the ring. I stand there, key in hand, for a few seconds and Dan doesn’t answer, so I knock again, a bit harder.

  Finally, Dan opens the door looking a bit disheveled. He’s dressed in Adidas shorts and a plain white T-shirt. He’s a little sweaty—clearly he’s been working out. Seeing him, I suddenly get cold feet. He looks so cute and I think it’s adorable that he comes home from a hard day at work and exercises. I suddenly feel like I’m making a huge mistake. Am I crazy to throw away a man like Daniel McCafferty? He’s perfect. All these months I’ve been obsessing over Buck, but what if it’s just that…an obsession? An infatuation. What if in real life, Buck isn’t what I want and need. I don’t think I can break up with Dan.

  “Elizabeth?” he asks, almost seeming panicked.

  No, I tell myself. I have to do it. I think back to the miserable weekend at Eagle Lake. Dan is not the one…it might not be Buck (please, God, let it be Buck) but it’s definitely not Dan. I take a deep breath and prepare to deliver my breakup speech.

  “Dan,” I say sadly, shaking my head slowly from side-to-side.

  “Who is it?” I hear a voice call from inside the apartment.

  “What?” I ask, confused about where the voice came from.

  “What?” Dan asks quickly.

  I shake it off and get back on track. “Dan,” I repeat, “I can’t marry you.” I speak softly, and as I talk, I gently slide the diamond ring off my left hand. As I hold the diamond out to him to take, I have another moment of panic. I look up at Dan, and instead of the heartbroken or even confused expression I was expecting, I see a look of guilty shame.

  “I’m sorry,” Dan begins, and I’m about to tell him that he has nothing to be sorry for, but before I can say anything he continues, “I was with Kimberly once while we were apart and I didn’t think this would happen…” his voice trails off.

  I stand there in a confused stupor. I have no idea what he is talking about, but my breakup speech definitely doesn’t include anything about a Kimberly.

  “What?” I ask.

  Dan looks like a deer in headlights. “You found out about Kimberly, right?” he asks.

  I’m about to say “no,” because I have no idea what he’s talking about, when Defender Bitch walks out of Dan’s room dressed only in the blue button-front shirt that I’m certain Dan wore all day at work. When she sees me she gasps, and I gasp, too.

  “I’m sorry,” Dan pleads, his eyes brimming with tears as he looks at me. “I do love you.”

  “What?!?” Defender Bitch/Kimberly screeches. “You said you love me!”

  “I do,” Dan says miserably. “I don’t know what to do,” he almost whimpers.

  I look at him and realize that he hadn’t been working out…he’d been fucking Defender Bitch! I am completely disgusted. Suddenly I am positive that the night Dan did me on the couch had everything to do with this other woman having been in his bed. I stare for a minute at Dan, tears in his eyes, and at Kimberly, hands on her hips again, and again screaming, “You said you love me,” and I honestly don’t know if I want to laugh or cry.

  “Here,” I say, again holding the engagement ring out to him.

  He reaches out and takes it, opening his mouth to speak. Before he can get a word out, I turn and walk away. As I do, I hear Kimberly in the background. “I don’t want that ring…it’s too small.” Letting out a little chuckle, I feel that an enormous weight has been lifted.

  55

  Twenty-four hours after Courtney’s call, Buck called her back.

  “I’ll take it,” Buck said with a confidence his voice rarely (never) had when handling professional matters.

  He had made the decision almost immediately after hanging up with Courtney but wanted to tell his father what he was doing before he officially accepted her offer. Buck had been nervous about telling Larry S that he was leaving the family business, but he knew it was the right thing for him. His Dad and brother were cut from the same mold. Buck’s family was close and he knew they loved him, but also knew that his father always considered Larry J to be his junior in more than just name and Buck to be his all-star athlete. Buck’s decision to go to law school was an attempt to join their club, but it had really only given him entry to the outside circle.

  On Sunday morning, Buck drove to the Denny’s where he knew his parents would be having their post-church breakfast. True to form, Larry S and Buck’s mother, Patsy, were alread
y sipping their coffee when Buck arrived.

  “Bucky!” his mother exclaimed. “What a wonderful surprise. Isn’t this a wonderful surprise, Larry?” she asked his father.

  Larry S didn’t look as excited as Patsy, but he was pleased to see his younger son and invited him to join them for breakfast. Buck accepted both the invitation and the seat the waitress had pulled up to the small table. It wasn’t until the food arrived and they had begun eating that Buck finally worked up the courage to tell his father what he came to say.

  “Dad,” he said cautiously, “I’ve been offered a job in Los Angeles.”

  “Doing what?” his father barked, and at the same time Patsy cooed, “Oh, that’s wonderful, sweetheart.”

  “I’ll be the head of the legal department for an accessory company,” Buck said, emphasizing the head of legal department part and mumbling through the accessory company part.

  Just as Buck knew he would, Larry S barked, “An accessory company? Like bracelets and shit?”

  “It’s called SparkleCourt,” Buck said confidently, but wishing the company’s name wasn’t quite so descriptive.

  “Oh my gosh,” Patsy gasped. “I’ve read about it in magazines. Alana Russo’s daughter started it.”

  “Yes,” Buck confirmed, hoping, but not counting on, this lending some credibility to the company in his father’s eyes. “It’s a fantastic offer.”

  Larry S looked straight at Buck through his narrowed blue eyes. “Congratulations, son,” he said before shoving a bite of well-done hash browns in his mouth.

  Buck let out a smile with a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Dad,” he said, and then looked at his mother and gave her a grateful smile before returning to his own breakfast.

  That night Buck returned Courtney’s call.

  “Oh my God, I’m so thrilled to hear it!” she exclaimed, and her enthusiasm reconfirmed Buck’s decision.

  It was going to be great to get a fresh start. It was time to get out of Victory. It would always be home, but Buck had to accept that he didn’t fit in here as well as he used to. Plus, he had made another decision. He wasn’t going to accept that Elizabeth was going to marry Dan. Once in L.A., he was going to tell her exactly how he felt. If, upon knowing how much he wanted to be with her, she still chose her pricklike fiancé, then he would accept it and go on with his life, but he was determined to make one last effort to be with the girl he had wanted for so long.

  “When can you start?” Courtney asked.

  “How about a week from tomorrow?” Buck asked, almost shocked at how brashly he was charging ahead with this change.

  “Perfect,” Courtney said. “I’ll see you next Monday.”

  They hung up, and Buck looked around his house. He knew he’d be homesick for the place, but he and Wildcat would find somewhere in L.A. that they would be happy in.

  56

  Friday night I could hardly sleep. I spent the whole night tossing and turning. True, the image of Dan and Defender Bitch postcoitus ran through my head, but the main reason for my sleeplessness was my plan for the next day. I have decided that, like the breakup, I need to tell Buck how I feel about him in person. So, first thing Saturday morning I get behind the wheel of my still-damaged car and hit the road. I make the drive in record time, and by the time I get to Buck’s house, my excitement has become almost electric.

  I park on the street down a few houses from his own and sit in the car. This could possibly be the most exciting thing I have ever done…and I host a live television show! In the few relationships I have had, I’ve never really put myself out there. I’ve never decided I was interested in someone before he showed a clear interest in me, and I’ve definitely never gone straight up to someone and told them how I feel. The tides are changing, though; now is the time.

  I flip down the sun visor and glance in the mirror. I look surprisingly well rested considering how little sleep I actually got. Apparently, the adrenaline driving me to my great reveal is flattering. I step out of the car and suddenly feel silly for coming to Buck’s house. I shake it off and take a few steps from the car, then stop in my tracks. Suddenly it pops into my mind that I could be setting myself up for a repeat of the day before. What if Buck is currently in bed with someone else? He certainly has every right on earth to be, but what will I do? I take a deep breath and proceed forward. I have to tell him how I feel. If my feelings aren’t returned I’ll deal with it and go on with my life. My life plan has already crumbled into pieces; one more derailment isn’t going to be the end of the world.

  I take yet another deep breath and proceed up Buck’s gravel driveway. It’s almost noon, and Victory is so hot. Even dressed in a tank top and cotton skirt, I am starting to sweat from just the short walk up to the house…or maybe it’s nerves? Feeling as if there isn’t enough oxygen, I step up onto the porch and knock on the front door. The moment of truth has arrived.

  “Come in,” Buck calls from inside, and I slowly push the front door open.

  I’ve pictured this moment in my mind (in my vision he actually got up and answered the door): Buck will look into my eyes with his own sparkling blues and then he’ll kiss me passionately. He’ll tell me he feels the same way and then lead me into his bedroom and make love to me all afternoon. I step inside the house and am startled, because nothing is how I thought it would be. Almost all of Buck’s possessions are packed into brown cardboard moving boxes, which are stacked neatly at the front of the house.

  Wildcat joyfully runs to greet me and I give him a pet as I look around the house, confused. I have a terrible feeling that I’ve come too late.

  “Buck?” I call out.

  “In the kitchen,” he answers. “Who’s there?”

  I quickly cross the living room and stand at the door of the kitchen. Buck, with his back to me, is emptying kitchen drawers into boxes.

  “It’s Elizabeth,” I say quietly.

  Buck freezes and spins around. He looks shocked to see me.

  “What are you doing here?” he asks.

  “I…I came to talk to you. Are you going somewhere?”

  “Yeah, moving day,” he explains. “Time for a change.”

  My heart falls. I am too late. Buck is leaving Victory and probably leaving my life forever. Why am I so stupid? Why did I not listen to Tiffany or figure this out for myself months ago? Hell, why didn’t I figure it out in high school when Buck took me to his senior prom?

  Our date scared me to death because I was determined not to feel anything for anyone in Victory, but it was undeniable with him. Not only was he beyond handsome and practically a local celebrity, but Buck was interested in hearing what I had to say. Unlike so many of the dates I’d gone on (dates that Charla had always arranged for me since I was too shy to ask people myself), Buck wasn’t preoccupied with talking about himself. He listened to me talk about leaving Victory, becoming a journalist, and anchoring the news. When he dropped me off on my front porch, he gave me one gentle kiss and then backed off. I was completely smitten and had to spend the entire summer convincing myself that he was no good. In my mind, I turned him into a football playing meathead with nothing else to offer. Over the years I guess I began to believe it was true, but as soon as he came back into my life—as soon as Charla brought him back into my life—the truth became undeniable.

  “Where are you going?” I ask, terrified to hear the answer.

  “L.A. Didn’t you know that?” he asks, looking at me confused and then continuing to load the box in from of him.

  I let out a huge sigh of relief. If this isn’t a sign that I’m doing the right thing, I don’t know what is. “You’re moving to L.A.?” I confirm, part of me not believing it could be true.

  “Didn’t Courtney or Tiffany tell you?”

  “No,” I answer, annoyed with both girls for leaving me out of the loop on this.

  “Courtney offered me a job at SparkleCourt and I’m giving it a shot.”

  A smile breaks out over my face. Courtney once again comes t
hrough for me. I can picture her and Tiffany plotting this…“Plan A.”

  “I broke up with Dan,” I tell him eagerly.

  Buck stops packing again and turns to look at me. “Really?” he asks, and then turns around, but as he turns I catch his face curve into a huge grin.

  “Yeah. He wasn’t the one for me,” I tell him. “Say, where are you going to live?” I ask, suddenly curious about Buck’s plans.

  “I actually don’t know yet. I’ve got to find a hotel that allows dogs until I find a place,” he says.

  His answer is exactly what I hoped he would say. “Why don’t you live with me?” I ask, trying to hide how eager I am.

  “Really?” he asks. “Could I crash on your couch with Wildcat until I find something permanent?”

  I pause for a second…failure to communicate. “Why don’t you make my place permanent?” I ask with a little less confidence.

  “But you only have the two bedrooms…one for you, one for Tiffany…”

  He isn’t getting it.

  “Buck,” I say almost sternly, and he turns around again to look at me.

  I’m not going to take another chance at being misunderstood. I take one step forward and plant my lips directly on his. I start to kiss him and can taste the saltiness of sweat on his upper lip. I wrap my arms around his neck and feel the heat of his body against mine. I don’t breathe again until he kisses me back. When he does, my whole body melts against his and I feel that I wouldn’t be able to stand if my arms weren’t securely around his strong neck.

  When we finally pull back, I say, “You could room with me.”

  “Yes,” he says breathlessly, then smiles so widely that his dimples almost extend off his cheeks and his eyes twinkle. “Yes!” Then he kisses me again.

  Slowly we fall to the floor and I can hardly breathe; I want him so badly. I have never wanted anyone like this. Without taking his lips off me Buck takes off all of my clothes and then pulls back to look at me. For a split second I am horrified…I never let anyone see my skeletal frame in the nude. I didn’t even wear my black lace lingerie set because it would have showed through my thin summery clothes. Instead I am wearing boring white cotton underwear! True, in my fantasy this is how things happened, but I never imagined in real life that Buck would be putting my nipples in his mouth. (Oh my God, it feels good.) He kisses every square inch of my body (and I mean every square inch) and I am almost shaking with desire by the time he finally pushes inside of me. I groan with pleasure even though I’m lying on the hard tile floor. Every move he makes feels better than the previous and before I know it I’m having an amazing orgasm…right there in the spot where I burned his foot with hot coffee!