Let Me Love You: Beautifully Broken Book 1

by Samantha Wolfe

  "Clay is a vindictive narcissistic prick," I answered him in disgust. "I wish I had figured that out sooner, but he can be very charming when he thinks it'll get him what he wants. He's one hell of an actor." I sighed in embarrassment. "I should have been smart enough to dump him sooner. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in this."

  Jensen stopped pacing and looked at me, the rage in his eyes fading a little. He came and sat next to me on the bed. He raised his hand and caressed my cheek. "This is not your fault," he said as he held my gaze. "I caused this. If I hadn't gone after him, this wouldn't have happened. For fuck's sake, I drove over there in my work truck wearing a Hayes Construction shirt. I might as well have given him my address and social security number. I'm the moron here."

  "That was pretty stupid," I said with a wry twist of my lips. "But your intentions were good. Plus, the thought of you beating on him is a pleasant diversion." That finally got a small smile out of him.

  "I love how violent you are," he said with amusement. He leaned in and kissed me gently. I sighed in contentment at the sensation of his warm lips on mine. "I don't know about you, but I'm wide awake now," he continued after pulling away. "Want to go get some breakfast?"

  "That sounds wonderful," I said with a sigh. He didn't know that I had already been awake for hours worrying about him. Did he remember what happened last night? Dare I even ask? I just couldn't bring myself to say anything about it right now. Maybe there would be a better time to ask later. Who am I kidding? I'm too afraid to ask.

  "Can we stop at my place first?" I asked him. "I need some clean clothes."

  "Sure, baby. Anything you want," he answered, and kissed me again. He got up and walked toward the bathroom. He turned in the doorway and looked back at me. "You coming?"

  "Where?" I asked as I smirked at his word choice.

  "In the shower," he answered with a dark sensual smile.

  "God, I hope so," I said as I got up and crossed the room to him. He took my hand and raised it up to place a kiss on the back of it.

  "Oh, there's no hope about it, baby," he said as he pulled me close. "It's guaranteed."

  "God, I love you," I told him as I looked up into his eyes. He closed his eyes and sighed at my words, like they didn't seem real to him. He framed my face between his hands, his vivid green eyes piercing into me as he opened them.

  "I love you, Sydney; love you so much it hurts." His words fell on me like a tidal wave of pleasure, tinged with nagging worry and an image of his pain filled face from last night as he told me how badly he hurt inside. I fought down the sudden urge to cry and said nothing more as he led me into the bathroom, knowing he could make me forget about all of that, at least for a little while anyway.

  We pulled up to my apartment building a little over an hour later. I had been awake so long already that my eyes were starting to burn from fatigue. The excitement earlier in the shower didn't help either. Neither of us said much on the way to my place. I wondered if Jensen was just tired too, or if something more troubling was going through his head. He seemed morose and irritated, and there was a tension between us that I had never felt before. Maybe he was still angry about his work site being vandalized, but I wondered if it had anything to do with his nightmare last night. He had certainly looked like had had been awake and lucid enough to remember when I had woken him from his dream.

  I came close to saying something about it several times, but each time the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. The fear of his reaction kept me from saying anything. The thought of how badly he had reacted to his sister-in-law's confrontation was still fresh in my mind. I didn't want to know how bad he'd feel if he lost his temper with me. Even so, I knew he couldn't keep going on like this. Eventually, he wouldn't be able to hide it from anyone. Everything he was stuffing down inside would explode, and the fallout would be devastating.

  It had started to rain on the way to my apartment, so Jensen pulled his truck up by the entrance to drop me off before he parked. He squeezed my hand, and a faint sad smile played across his lips as the truck pulled to a stop.

  "Let me park and I'll be right back, baby," he said softly and kissed my hand before he released it. I nodded and climbed down out of the cab, rushing over to the awning and watching him drive away. I realized then that I couldn't let it go, and that I had to say something. If I didn't, it would eat me alive from the inside out. If we were ever going to have a future together I had to be honest and open about everything with him, even if his reaction was poor. I just hoped I could live with those consequences.

  A few moments later, Jensen was running through the rain toward me, carrying my duffel bag. I still couldn't get over how beautiful he was, his movements powerful yet graceful as he came toward me. He looked good today in a navy T-shirt, and a red and blue plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up his forearms. His jeans hugged his legs perfectly, and I knew from looking earlier that his ass was amazing in them. His scuffed up boots only added to his rugged appeal. He put his arm around my shoulders and ushered me into the building. Once we were in the elevator, he pulled me into an embrace and pressed a kiss to my temple. I wrapped my arms around him with a deep sigh. It felt like I belonged there in his arms.

  When the elevator door opened on my floor, he took my hand and led me to my apartment door. I unlocked the door, and we walked into silence. It was still pretty early, and I had thought Lauren might be here, but it looked like she must have stayed with Adam again last night.

  "Make yourself at home," I told Jensen with a squeeze to his hand. "I'll change quick and we can go eat. I'm starving."

  "Me too, babe," he smiled, his face softening as he looked at me and handed me the duffel bag. I hoped that was a sign his mood was improving. Unfortunately, I was probably going to ruin it.

  I walked back to my room and threw my bag on the bed. I went into my closet and pulled out jeans, a pink T-shirt, and a gray plaid shirt to wear over it. I dressed quickly, pulling on a pair of floral Doc Marten boots since it was raining and pretty chilly as well. I looked in the full-length mirror on my closet door and snorted. I unconsciously mimicked Jensen's clothes. I considered changing, but what the hell, I looked good. I wondered if he would notice.

  I glanced over at my bag and considered packing more clothes, in case I stayed with Jensen again. I really wanted to, but part of me felt like I should stay here alone instead. Things were moving so fast with us, and maybe we needed some time apart to process everything, or I could just ask him to stay here with me. Yes, that sounded like a much better idea. Of course, after I asked him about last night, he may not want to stay with me anywhere. I pulled my purse out of the duffel and took a deep breath as I stared at my bedroom doorway. It was now or never. It was time to rip the band-aid off the wound. When I walked back into the living room, I found Jensen lying on the couch, his head resting on an armrest. He had fallen asleep, and I felt a twinge of guilt about having to wake him up.

  "Baby, wake up," I said quietly and touched his shoulder. His eyes popped open, and he sat up abruptly.

  "Whoa," he mumbled. "I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep. Sorry."

  "It's okay," I said with a sad smile as I sat next to him. He noticed my expression, and his eyebrows turned down in concern.

  "What's wrong, baby?" he asked as he met my eyes. It took me a moment to find my voice as trepidation made my tongue feel thick and useless.

  "Last night, you woke me up having a nightmare," I began and noticed his body tense up, his face becoming an expressionless mask. Oh yeah, he remembered alright. "You had one the other night, too." This time he looked surprised for a moment. "You've been having a lot of them too; I imagine. It probably makes you afraid to sleep at all, and if you do manage to sleep it never makes you feel rested."

  He looked startled, and I knew I had struck a nerve. He opened his mouth as if he were going to speak, but nothing came out. I pressed on.

  "It's the nightmares during the day that really get to you, make you feel like you're l
osing your mind. They sneak up on you, and you can't stop them. The anxiety attacks are the worst though. It feels like your chest is being crushed. The world starts spinning, and you can't catch your breath. Oh, and the shame of feeling weak and helpless to stop any of it is unbearable."

  "I..." He finally found his voice, but it trailed off into silence again. The truth of my words seemed to hit him like a blow. His face was panicked, and I could see real fear in his eyes.

  "Then the rage sets in because you're angry at everything and everyone, but mostly at yourself for not being able to suck it up and just get over it," I continued as I held his gaze, seeing the pain from last night ghost across his face before he shut it down again.

  "How do...?" he asked in a whisper.

  "How do I know all this?" I interrupted him. He nodded slowly. "Because I went through the same thing. I've felt all of it; every nightmare, every flashback, the anxiety and the pain. It's what drove me to try to end everything, just to escape the horror I was living in." I looked away from him and sighed. "I see all of that in you, and it scares the shit out of me."

  He was silent for a moment and when I looked back at him, his face was filled with shame. He was more worried about how his problems effected me than himself. He opened his mouth to apologize; I suspect, but I covered his mouth with a finger.

  "Shush. I didn't tell you all this because I blame you, and you don't have to apologize. You've done nothing wrong. I want you to know that you're not alone, and I understand, and I'm here for you when you're ready to talk about it. I want to help you, just like you asked me to last night. Okay?"

  "Okay," he whispered, his face slack with shock.

  "I still love you, no matter what," I told him. I cupped his cheek in my hand and kissed his lips softly. "You know that, right?"

  His answering nod seemed reluctant. He really didn't think he deserved my love. What would I have to do to fix this? I didn't know, but until he could accept help from anyone, that probably wouldn't change anytime soon. I was willing to wait for him if that's what it took. I loved him that much.

  He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms, hugging me so tight that I could barely breathe. Then he was kissing me desperately, his lips devouring me, telling me all the things he still couldn't voice out loud. I could feel all of it; his gratitude, his pain, his fear, but mostly his love. This kiss wasn't about sex or physical desire; it was all about us and our connection. It was about the possibility of healing and the hope for better things in the future. It was a prayer and a benediction. My love for him swelled inside me until I felt I might burst.

  "I love you, Sydney," he whispered against my lips as the kiss ended. "Thank you."

  "You're welcome, baby," I said as I placed my hands on each side of his face and stared into his haunted eyes. Then I hugged him tight, and I felt the weight of my worry lessen. It wasn't gone, but I felt hopeful that things would get better with time, and I would be here for him through all of it.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Jensen

  I couldn't stop staring at Sydney as she sat across from me looking over a menu in the small restaurant we were having breakfast. She astounded me. She knew I was broken, and yet she was still here; still willing to stay with me, to help me. I didn't think I had ever done anything to deserve something like this. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had hope. Sydney understood completely, and hadn't given me that look of pity once or asked what was wrong with me. I was still stunned. She raised her head to look at me, her face slightly bemused.

  "Why do you keep staring at me like that?" she said with a smile.

  "Because you're so beautiful," I told her as a grin stretched across my mouth. The slight flush of pink in her cheeks filled me with sudden desire. I leaned toward her across the table and lowered my voice. "And because you're so sexy that I want to bend you over the booth we're in and claim you in front of everyone, so they know you're mine."

  Her cheeks blushed almost red, and she returned her gaze to her menu, but not before I saw the flash of desire in her eyes. She unconsciously bit her lip, and I was sorely tempted to skip breakfast and take her back home. Just then the waitress walked up to ask what we'd like to order. Sydney ordered first, but I had no idea what she chose since I was still staring at her lips and thinking dirty, dirty thoughts.

  "And you, sir?" the young woman asked me.

  "I'll have the same," I said without looking away from Sydney.

  "Without the coffee. He hates coffee," Sydney added before the waitress filled Sydney's coffee cup and then left. "You have no idea what you just ordered, do you?" Sydney asked with amusement.

  "Not a clue."

  "You are a horn dog," she said with a laugh.

  "An unrepentant one," I said with a smirk. She snorted and shook her head.

  "So..." she said after a moment. "What are we going to do today?"

  "Isn't 'who' a better word choice?" I said, and she rolled her eyes at me.

  "I'm serious," she said with exasperation.

  "So am I." My voice came out in a low growl as I stared back at her. Fuck, I was on fire for her right now. I wanted to take her somewhere, anywhere really, and do something wild and out of control with her.

  "Can we at least eat first?" Sydney asked, her face suddenly calm and controlled, but her eyes sparkled as wildly as I imagined mine did. I nodded and shifted in my seat as my cock hardened uncomfortably in my jeans.

  "Eat fast," I growled and narrowed my eyes at her.

  "Yes, sir," she replied in a sultry tone that made my breath catch. Holy. Fuck. I didn't know two words could turn me on this much. I had to close my eyes and just breathe for a moment, my fingers clenching the edge of the vinyl seat I was sitting on. When I opened my eyes, Sydney was looking at me with a self-satisfied smirk on her lips and triumph in her eyes. I leaned closer to her again.

  "Maybe I'll turn you over my knee right here and spank you in front of everyone," I growled quietly as I trapped her gaze with mine. She gasped in shock at my words, but there was no mistaking her arousal as her eyes dilated. Her blush was a vivid crimson, and now she was the one shifting in her seat. I would have enjoyed my victory more if it hadn't also made me so hard that it hurt. Our eyes stayed locked as an unspoken awareness passed between us, our mutual attraction firing electric sparks across the table. Would it always feel like this? God, I fucking hoped so. I reached out to her across the table and took her hand in mine. Tingling shocks of electricity shot up my arm at the contact. I stroked the back of her hand with my thumb, mimicking the way I would have stroked her clit as we continued looking at each other. Her lips parted, and her breathing became heavier. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest in response. I wanted her so badly.

  "Excuse me." A tentative female voice interrupted us. I looked up to find our waitress standing by the table with a tray holding our food. She looked embarrassed, as if she had interrupted something intimate. "Here's your breakfast."

  I reluctantly released Sydney's hand to let her put our plates down in front of us. How long had we been sitting like that? It had felt like time had stopped. Sydney thanked her, while I was still too stunned to speak. I watched the waitress walk away, then looked down at my food. I was relieved to see a stack of pancakes and another small plate of bacon. Thank God, I was worried she had ordered a damn fruit plate.

  "That's something most people don't get to experience," Sydney said wryly. I looked at her in confusion. "A surprise breakfast at a restaurant; now I wish I had ordered the fruit plate." Her eyes lit up with amusement, and I couldn't stop from laughing out loud. She joined me and it felt so natural, so right. I loved her so much, and it felt like we were two parts of a whole.

  We ate in companionable silence, both of us starving. She had taken my words to heart and ate quickly. She finished only a few moments behind me, pushing her plate away with a sigh.

  "I can't finish it. I'm stuffed," she moaned. I smiled, slid her plate over to my side of the table, and star
ted finishing it off for her. She shook her head in disbelief. "Where do you put all that food?"

  "My cock," I said with a huge grin between bites.

  "You're gross," she said as she rolled her eyes at me.

  "I know, but you like it."

  "Like what, you being gross?" she asked.

  "No, my cock," I answered, still smiling. She rolled her eyes yet again and shook her head with a smile. The waitress dropped off the check and took the empty plates from the table. "Are you ready to go?"

  "Definitely."

  We slid out of the booth, and I left a tip on the table. I led her to the cash register by the entrance and paid the bill. Sydney stood close enough that I could smell her coconut scent. For the rest of my life, I think the smell of coconut would always make me think of Sydney and sex. I felt a shiver as her fingertips caressed lightly up and down my bicep while I got my change from the cute little brunette behind the counter. The girl looked down at my arm where Sydney was touching me with disappointment in her eyes. I realized with a smile that Sydney was staking her claim on me for this girl's benefit. I hadn't even noticed that the girl had taken an interest in me, but apparently Sydney had. The thought of her possessiveness filled me with desire all over again. Fuck, I needed to get her alone.

  I turned away from the cashier and pulled Sydney into my arms and kissed her. I felt her lips smiling against mine as she realized I was doing it for the girl's benefit as well. Her eyes danced with humor as I pulled back to meet her eyes. I couldn't help the smirk that played across my lips. The girl looked uncomfortable suddenly and fled, leaving us alone in the entryway. I took Sydney's hand to lead her outside when I noticed a closed door that was near the exit that read "coat room" on it. I thought it was odd a place like this would have one, but I thought it would suit my purposes. I changed direction and headed for the door.