Amnesia

by Michael, Sean

  He didn't care. He just needed to get out of there. He needed to get out of there now.

  There was a fist inside him, squeezing his lungs so tight that he could hardly breathe. He thought maybe he wanted to scream and shout. Or cry. But he couldn't. He couldn't and he wouldn't. All his instincts were screaming at him to find somewhere to hide so he could lose it and just let it out, let that fist out.

  Drew found the stairs somehow and took them quickly and then he was outside and he blinked against the bright sunlight. He was surprised. It was still daylight. Morning in fact. Bright and sunny. Warm. Weird. He picked a direction and started walking. Footsteps sounded beside him, steady and quiet, sure. He kept going, blinking back the tears that were threatening. He didn't know how long he walked for, or how far. Just that he walked, that Jesse walked with him.

  Eventually, that's what stopped him, that quiet support. "I don't know what to do."

  "Come home with me. Help me with the animals."

  He turned to look at Jesse, finally focusing on something. "That's the only thing I've heard all day that makes sense."

  Jesse nodded. "Come on. They need us back at the ranch."

  "Okay. It doesn't feel right, just leaving him with that Jerry guy, but it was what he wanted. I could tell it was freaking him out, my questions." He looked around, frowning. "Where are we?"

  "About a mile south of the hospital. We oughta turn around." Jesse winked, grinned. "Unless you want to walk to the ranch."

  He managed to grin back. "I think turning around's a better idea. A mile? Wow. I didn't think we'd been walking that long." He turned and started back, lifting his face to the sunshine.

  "Yeah." Jesse was right beside him. Tall, strong. Steady. There.

  "Can you believe it?" he asked.

  "No. Yeah. Hell, I don't know. It's too fucking weird for words." Jesse looked over at him. "I don't think he's fucking with you, though. I don't think Thaine's that kind of man."

  "No, he's a good man. He's just... confused. He can't remember me at all." He swallowed hard, that fist tightening in his stomach. "Can we talk about something else?"

  "Absolutely. I need to stop at a feed store, get some sweet feed, some antibiotics. You think there's anything else we need?"

  "I don't know where my hat went. You got ice cream? I like ice cream."

  "We'll need to stop for groceries and shit. We'll buy some."

  "Clothes. My stuff. It's all at the trailer. I guess we should bring it out to your place. He's gonna want his stuff eventually." Thaine was gonna want him eventually. That had been the plan at least. He stumbled a little, that breathless feeling back.

  "Okay. Okay, man. You don't have to deal with it all right now. You just have to walk to the truck."

  "The truck. Yeah, I can do that." He nodded and gave Jesse a smile, even if it did feel kind of twisted. "I can do that." One foot in front of the other. One just in front of the other.

  "Cool. You hungry?"

  "I don't think I could eat, Jesse. There's this fist in my belly. Maybe later." He could see the hospital now and his footsteps slowed.

  "Okay. Come on. The truck, yeah? Just head for the truck."

  "Yeah. The truck."

  Drew nodded, heading for the north end of the parking lot. Soon as he saw Jesse's truck, he took a deep breath. There. It wasn't far now. One hand landed on the small of his back, just for a second, just long enough to make it better.

  He nodded and took another breath as they got to the truck. He'd made it. And so far he hadn't exploded into a million pieces. Go him. "Let’s get out of here, Jesse. I hate hospitals."

  "You and me both, buddy. You and me both."

  Jesse opened the door for him and Drew let the big, solid hands help him up. He didn't look at the hospital, didn't want to see it. Didn't want to see the place where Thaine was with another man.

  Somehow Jesse managed it, pulled out of the parking lot and just drove.

  They stopped at the lot where Jesse’s trailer was and it didn’t take Jesse any time at all to hook everything up to the truck, the man refusing his help and just getting it done. Then they were on the road.

  Every mile between them and the hospital was like a weight coming off his shoulders, that fist in his belly easing. Not going away, but letting him breathe, letting him think maybe he'd make it through this. Especially if he didn't have to think on it.

  Jesse didn't make him talk, just drove, singing along with the radio. It was comforting. Almost normal. He watched the solid hands on the wheel, watched the road go by.

  They were out of the city when the tears started. He didn't even realize he was crying at first, just that his vision was getting blurry. Still, Jesse didn't say a thing, just drove and let him cry. He didn't sob or wail, the tears just leaked from him and when he'd cried himself dry, he rubbed his face with his hands and his sleeves and sighed deeply.

  He had a headache, but that fist inside him had eased. Of course he also felt like an idiot, sitting and crying over things he couldn't change like he was still a kid.

  "You want me to get a coffee at the drive-through?"

  Did he? His throat was parched and he was starting to feel like he'd been sucker-punched. "Y..." he cleared his throat and tried again. "Yes, please."

  "Cool. There's a Krispy Kreme here in Arlington, that work?"

  "Yeah. Doughnuts sound good, too. I like the ones with the cream in them. Thaine says..." He sighed and forced himself to go on. "He always said anything but the original glazed was a crime against Krispy Kremes, but I like the ones with the cream inside."

  "Well, then. Two cream-filled for you and two apple-filled for me. Maybe a couple chocolate ones for the road?"

  He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good. I take my coffee with two creams. I only like it black if I can't keep my eyes open."

  “Works for me." Jesse pulled off the highway, the big truck with the trailer shimmying a little.

  "How long 'til we're home?" he asked, not thinking about how Jesse's place wasn't really home. Or at least wasn't what he'd thought of as home just this morning.

  "Couple of hours, depending on traffic." He got a smile, warm, gentle. "Bet them bulls will be glad to run around."

  He nodded, and smiled back, Jesse easing his nerves. He relaxed back against the seat. "You got crops to come in soon?"

  "We've got hay coming in, some rye grass. Enough to feed the stock for winter."

  "So we'll be busy." That was good. He needed to work. He didn't want to be sitting around thinking. Moping. "I'll make sure I earn my keep, Jesse."

  "I know you will, buddy. That's not a question."

  "Cool." He dug into his pocket as they turned into the Krispy Kreme and dug out a five, handing it over.

  "Save it. You can buy Cokes when we get gas."

  "That works." He slipped the money back in his wallet and his wallet in his jeans. And then chuckled as his stomach growled loudly. "I guess I'm hungrier than I thought."

  "Good. I'm starving."

  "Should we stop for something more substantial than doughnuts?" He could spring for Egg Mcmuffins or something. "I don't know what you like."

  "Oh, doughnuts work just fine." Jesse winked over. "There's a great little steakhouse about ten miles from the ranch. We'll be there at lunchtime."

  "Oh, that sounds good. I like a good steak." He grinned at Jesse. "Raise 'em, ride 'em, eat 'em."

  Jesse hooted, grinned. "You got it, man. Except, you know? My retiring bulls? I'm just gonna keep."

  "Yeah? You got a soft spot for them, Jesse?" That sounded like Jesse. The man was all around good.

  "Well, it doesn't seem right, to work 'em and then kill 'em. They won't hurt nothing on the land."

  "Kind of like a reward for putting up with all those cowboys riding 'em." He could understand that. Those bulls put in their time. Bona fide athletes.

  "Yeah. Just the decent thing to do."

  Drew nodded, watching as Jesse leaned out the window an
d placed their order. It was all so normal, so... real. The sunshine, the other trucks and cars on the road, folks lining up to get coffee and donuts.

  They got the box of doughnuts, the coffees, Jesse grinning over at him. Their fingers slid together as he took the box and his coffee from Jesse, the touch warm, good, natural. It surprised him.

  "Thanks," he said softly, opening the box and setting it between them.

  "Anytime. Anytime, buddy."

  He knew Jesse was talking about more than coffee and doughnuts and he wondered what he'd done to deserve to have Jesse come through for him so very well, just when he needed it. Of course maybe that was just to balance the way his love life was sucking wind.

  He snorted at himself.

  "Eat your doughnuts, Drew. Thinking's fucking overrated."

  "Yeah, I think you've got a point there, Jesse." His fingers met Jesse's in the doughnut box and he smiled as that same warm, good feeling went through him.

  "I'm a wise, wise old man." He got a grin, a nod.

  "You're not that old, Jesse." Not that old at all. Maybe a year or two more than Thaine.

  "Old enough." Jesse winked. "Hand me an apple filled."

  "Yes, sir," he answered smartly, laughing softly as he put an apple filled doughnut into Jesse's hand.

  "Good boy." Jesse just snorted, head tossing.

  "Man, you're lucky you're driving or I'd thump you for that." He was still laughing though, and it felt good. Damned good.

  "Oooh. Threats. Impressive."

  "Hey, if you're such an old man, you should be easy to take." He winked, licking the sugar off his fingers.

  "You'd think so, but I'm tough." Jesse chuckled, lapping apple out of the inside of the doughnut.

  His laughter faded slowly as he found himself caught in the play of Jesse's tongue in the doughnut.

  God, that was.

  Damn.

  His prick jerked, kind of perking up a bit and he swallowed and tore his eyes away. Taking a deep breath, he looked out on the road and shoved a doughnut in his mouth before he could say anything or make a noise.

  "Your doughnut okay?"

  He tried to speak and wound up choking on a stray crumb. When he'd finally coughed it out, he nodded. "Yeah. Sorry, something went down the wrong way."

  "Oh, I hate that. Hate it."

  "Yeah, it sucks." He took a few sips of his coffee, finding himself checking Jesse out again.

  Tall and lean, solid, Jesse was bigger than Thaine, taller. The hand on the steering wheel was square and scarred, strong. He wondered why he'd never really noticed before Thaine had forgotten him... Well, because he'd been blindly in love with Thaine and hadn't seen anyone else, probably. Certainly not the way he was seeing Jesse now.

  And what did that make him, that the minute Thaine turned away from him he was scoping out Jesse?

  Jesse smiled over, eyes warm and dark. "Hand me the other apple one?"

  "Yeah, okay."

  He found the other apple filled doughnut and handed it over, his fingers lingering on Jesse's. Oh, man. Warm, solid. It felt good just to touch another human being who wasn't looking at him like he was a stranger.

  "It'll work out, cowboy. Trust me."

  Drew nodded. "I do, Jesse. I do."

  And if Jesse said it was going to work out, then Drew figured it would work out. Just because he couldn't quite see how right now, didn't mean it wouldn't.

  Chapter Ten

  Christ.

  If he thought it would make a difference he'd go back to Mesquite and beat Thaine to death.

  It wouldn't though. He saw it in Thaine's eyes, in Jerry's. It was settled. Jesse knew that look.

  Damn it.

  And there was Drew, watching the scenery go by, trying to act all tough, like everything was fine, normal. Every now and then Drew would look at him, or sigh, or shift in his seat.

  "We'll be at the steakhouse in fifteen minutes or so. You hungry?"

  "I suppose so." Drew nodded then. "Yeah, I am." Drew's fingers flexed, hand moving on the seat between them.

  "Cool. I'm thinking I need a steak and a big ole glass of iced tea." And a minute to figure out what the hell he was going to do, bringing home his best friend's... ex?

  "Yeah. Or a beer. No. It's too early for beer. Hell, if I start drinking it, I won't stop. I just need..." Drew shrugged.

  "Sprite and a steak'll be a good start."

  Drew was looking at him again, the gaze warm, a touch confused.

  "We got beer at home, buddy." God knew he'd need a couple three.

  "Yeah? Cool. Beer. Hard work. A good friend. Everything a man needs." Drew gave him an honest to God smile and reached over, squeezed his thigh.

  "There you go." He smiled over, cock jerking at the touch. Down, boy. Not yours.

  Of course the soft smile on Drew's face and the way that hand lingered just a little was working hard to convince him otherwise. Then Drew went a little red and sat up, turning to look out the window. He didn't know what to say, so he didn't say a thing, just kept driving.

  The silence was a little charged now though, not the easy quiet it had been before. "Jesse?"

  "Yeah, man?"

  "Is this. I." Drew shook his head. "Never mind."

  "Just ask, Drew. I won't bullshit you."

  It was quiet for a couple three miles and then Drew nodded. "I think you're good-looking."

  His cheeks went red and his fingers tightened. "Yeah?" Oh, sweet Jesus. If this was a test, he was fucked.

  "Yeah. I never. Well it's not that I never noticed before but I really noticed today. Does that make me awful?"

  "No." He shook his head. "It makes you human."

  Christ.

  Drew nodded. "Thanks, Jesse. I don't know what I'd have done today if you weren't here. I really don't. And you've been so nice and you're just taking me in and everything's all fucked up."

  Drew's hands fisted on his thighs and he added really quietly. "You're the only thing that doesn't hurt."

  "Good. Everybody needs someone that doesn't, yeah?"

  "Yeah."

  Drew's hand slid over again, curling around his thigh, and Drew sighed. "Is this okay? I just need to hold on to something. Someone."

  "Yeah, man. You're good. I'm right here."

  This was a very special fucking brand of Hell.

  Chapter Eleven

  Getting Thaine to his place ran smooth as glass. Of course Jerry had the resources to get whatever money could buy so that was really no surprise. A taxi trip, a plane ride and another taxi trip and there Thaine was, back in his house, just like the last five years had never happened.

  Life with T never had been boring.

  The man had been exhausted when they'd arrived, so he put Thaine on the big leather couch in the den, casted leg propped up with pillows and crutches within reach, and went to his home office, getting caught up on phone calls and shit. It was after dark by the time he'd made the last call and told Helen she could go home for the night.

  He stretched, back cracking. Fuck. It might be just like five years ago in Thaine's mind, but his body was definitely five years older.

  Thaine. Right. He'd best go see if his guest... roommate... lover was awake.

  The sofa was empty, the light on in the kitchen. He could hear Thaine, whistling, could smell... pancakes and sausage and coffee.

  Chuckling, he headed toward the kitchen. He'd forgotten about Thaine's bouts in the kitchen, making him food to eat. "You still trying to fatten me up, Cowboy?"

  "Mmm. I was hungry." He got a smile, Thaine looking relaxed, easy, managing to work with one crutch. "Figured you might be, too."

  He grinned back. Shit, Thaine looked good in his kitchen. The man was going to look fucking fine in his bed. He let his gaze wander up the sturdy body, lingering a moment at Thaine's crotch and then his chest. "I could eat," he told Thaine as he finally met the man's eyes.

  "Cool." Thaine smiled, stretched. "Man, it feels good to be home."

 
"I've got to admit, it feels good to have you home." He wandered over to the counter where Thaine was, slid his arms around the lean waist. "Feels real good."

  Thaine leaned into him, face lifted for a kiss. God, look at those eyes. He watched them as he brought their lips together. Watched them as he guided the kiss, tongue pushing into Thaine's mouth in a slow dance. "You taste better than I remember, T."