“Obviously we’re together. You’re my girlfriend, and we have a good thing, and that’s enough for me. Isn’t it for you?”
His chiseled face remained stoic, and I realized Aubrey hadn’t misunderstood a thing. “No, it isn’t. I never wanted forever until you. But now I do, and I want it with you.”
“Unbelievable.” His voice stayed steady, but there was a determination and an assuredness in his tone that scared me. “Sorry, but I’m not that guy. If that’s what you really want, then maybe we should end this so you can find someone else. That isn’t in the cards for us.” He shook his head, and sobs crawled up my throat. “I can’t do it again. Sorry, but if you’re talking marriage, that’s not going to happen. You should never expect a proposal from me because there won’t be one.”
My heart shattered. The room spun, and I was sure I was going to be sick or pass out. My chest ached as if I’d been stabbed by his cold and piercing eyes. As I turned to walk away, he grabbed my arm, which I tore from his grasp. I let time pass silently. We didn’t speak or move for what felt like an eternity. It was as if we were strangers, and I became more depressed and hurt with each tick of the clock.
Brett finally broke the silence. “Is this because you’re feeling left out? Did you get caught up in all wedding shit with Aubrey? Is that what this is?”
I slowly shook my head. Not once did his voice waver; it stayed steady, and I felt like a fool.
“I’ve been there before. You know that.” He walked into the kitchen and grabbed another beer. The bottle cap landed on the counter as he took a long pull from the bottle. Annoyance crossed his face as he gritted his teeth. “Goddammit! Why, Jules? Why ruin a great thing?”
“Because I love you and we are a great thing. I didn’t go into this relationship thinking we’d walk down the aisle, but I also didn’t plan on falling in love with you. I thought you loved me too.” I grabbed my purse and choked back tears. “But I guess I was wrong about that. Seems as though I’ve been mistaken about a lot of things. And I’m not the one ruining a great thing—you are.”
“I do love you, but that doesn’t mean we need to get married.” He placed the bottle on the kitchen island and sauntered over to me. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”
Was he kidding? Tears poured down my cheeks as a tremor ran through my body. I swept the moisture away with trembling fingers, mustered up whatever self-esteem I had left and tried to keep my voice steady as I said, “No, I’m leaving.”
“So it’s all or nothing? Is that how you’re going to play this?” He sat on the couch and glared at me. “Seriously, Jules, I’ve had the night from hell. Can you just lay off?” The aloofness in his tone mirrored the hardening of his eyes.
I thought I’d try a different tactic. I softened my voice while trying to stop the tremors running through my body. “Tell me what happened. What can I do to help?”
His expression turned to stone, doing absolutely nothing to ease my fears and pain. “Help?” He snorted. “That’s rich. I told you what I wanted, and you shot me down.” He shook his head and tugged on his hair. “What is it with women tonight? Is there a full moon or some shit? Jesus Christ!”
Women? What was he talking about? His curt tone made me cringe. I placed my hand on the front doorknob and braced myself for what I was about to say. I took a steady breath and peered over my shoulder at him. “You won’t have to worry about this woman anymore because I’m leaving.” More tears threatened, but I refused to let them fall as we made eye contact. Before I stepped out, knowing I’d never be back, I said, “I honestly can’t believe this is happening. I’m sorry that my love for you wasn’t enough to make you want a future with me. I’m sorry I let myself think you wanted a commitment. I’m sorry for wanting you more than you wanted me. I’m sorry for not knowing how to help you, but you won’t tell me what happened tonight, and that’s on you. I’m sorry that you don’t understand how deep my love runs for you.” My breath hitched as his eyes never left mine. “But what I’m truly sorry for is giving you my heart. You did what I thought you never would—you broke it.”
I shut the door gently behind me, and once I was in the small elevator, I let the dam break. Every tear I had flowed freely as I wailed. I didn’t care who was in the lobby or what Jim thought when the doors opened. Nothing mattered anymore because we were over.
I’d lost Brett.
I’d lost my heart.
I’d lost the love of my life.
What the fuck just happened? I stared at the door and couldn’t believe she was gone. Maybe it was for the best—no, that was a lie. Goddammit!
I tossed my head back on the couch. I couldn’t believe I’d lost my girlfriend. After what felt like forever, I got up and went to bed. I didn’t bother getting undressed or even under the covers. I crossed my arms under my head and replayed what had transpired. How had we gone from laughter to this? I was sure we wanted the same things. Julie was so free and fun. She wasn’t the serious type, and that was why we were so right for each other. We’d figured that out the first night we met. Neither of us had ever talked about marriage or forever. Sure, we were exclusive, but I’d never planned on making our relationship legal. Fuck!
My brain replayed our conversations and moments together in an effort to figure out what signal I had missed. How did I not see that she would be like every other woman and expect marriage? Because she was different. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and tossed it on the nightstand.
Her words replayed in my mind. I’d broken her heart. How could I live with that? I told her I’d been married before and how awful it was. That should have been an indication of how I felt about the institution. What a joke. Fucking Samantha. No wonder marriage was called an institution—people went crazy once they entered into it.
I balled my fist and struck my pillow; there was no way I was getting comfortable tonight. I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, but every blonde I saw reminded me of Julie. I thought of the way her hair bounced when she walked, her laugh when I told a funny joke—which was different when she really didn’t think my joke was funny but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Would she ever bounce up and down again in excitement? Would I?
After I woke from a short and fitful night’s sleep, I called Alex to see if he had any indication of what was going on. I didn’t want him to spy on her or anything, but I needed some help. Even if I wasn’t her forever, I still wanted to be her friend. Is there a waiting period for this?
“Hey, Brett.” Even over the phone, he sounded agitated.
“Hey. I need to know if you spoke to Julie after she left here last night.”
“No, but Aubrey feels horrible that she said anything to Julie.”
Fantastic. Just when I’d thought I couldn’t feel worse, I did. “Tell Aubrey not to worry about it. It wasn’t her fault—it’s mine and Julie’s. I shoulder the blame for never telling her that I never want to get married again, but she never indicated that she was hoping for a proposal. I guess it’s better that it happened now rather than later.”
“Seriously, Brett?” His disappointment rang clear. “I thought you two were perfect for each other.”
“So did I until we weren’t.” The more I thought about it, the more aggravated I got. “I’ll see you later.”
“Do you plan on coming to the Orchid tonight? I know it’s your night off.”
“I could use a few dozen drinks, so yeah, probably.”
“Maybe Julie will be there and the two of you can work this out.”
My man was whipped. He needed to realize that not every couple had a happily ever after.
“Doubtful. I’ll talk to you later.” I disconnected the call and stared at my ceiling.
I left him.
He let me go.
How did this happen?
We broke up.
This hurts.
My eyes literally ached with each blink as I gripped my steering wheel. I hadn’t slept, and I was sure I’d lost a pound in water w
eight. I needed to talk to Aubrey, so I grabbed my phone and dialed her number. As soon as I heard her voice, I completely lost it.
“Aub… rey… it’s… o… ver.” I couldn’t catch my breath and thought I would hyperventilate at any minute.
“Sweetie, what are you talking about?” Her voice was the opposite of mine.
I was pretty sure I’d woken her and prayed Alex wasn’t there. All I needed was for him to tell Brett I was an emotional wreck. I sobbed. Talking wasn’t working very well. “It’s Brett… We… b-bro-broke… up… We…”
“Julie, honey, where are you? Are you home?”
I shook my head. “N-no, I’m in my c-car.”
“Pull over, and I’ll come to you. Where are you?” Her words were laced with worry, making me feel worse, but I needed her.
“I was on my… on my way to your place.”
“Please be careful. I’ll put coffee on, okay?”
I sniffed and heard her sigh. “Will Alex be there?”
“No, he’s leaving. Don’t worry about it.”
We said good-bye, and I made it to her apartment unscathed, which was a shock. I felt as if I were driving under the influence because my vision was completely blurred with tears. When Aubrey opened the door, she looked at me with such sympathy that my heart ached more. This should have been one of the happiest times of her life, and I was a complete mess.
I was sure I looked exactly as I felt—like shit. I’d gone to bed in yoga pants and a hoodie to try to warm the ice coursing through my veins, and I hadn’t changed. I wasn’t even sure that I’d looked in the mirror before leaving my apartment. I was just glad I’d called in sick and didn’t need to go to work until tomorrow.
Aubrey took my hand, and I followed her inside. “I can’t believe this. I didn’t know he didn’t want to get married again. How could he not tell me?” I shook my head and sat on the couch.
She had baked muffins, which made me smile. Aubrey was anything but a baker, but I appreciated her wanting me to have comfort food. She handed me a cup of coffee.
“Jules, I’m sorry. Maybe he was just tired?”
“If he wasn’t tired then, he’s probably tired now. It was horrible.” The thought of him being able to relax while I couldn’t was unsettling.
Her fingers tensed in her lap. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Great, now she felt guilty. With all of her health issues, I needed to get my shit together, if not for myself, then for her. “No, I’m glad you told me. It’s better to know than not to. I didn’t expect us to end. I thought he was my forever. I pictured me and you, our gorgeous husbands, and our children growing up together. I guess I was way off base.”
I couldn’t stop myself. All of the magazines I’d brought over were still on the table, and I picked up one. “I’m supposed to stand up with him at your wedding, and your engagement party is soon. I’m never going to be able to avoid him. You’re my best friend, and he’s Alex’s. If I want to avoid him, I need to avoid you, and I can’t do that.”
The thought of losing Aubrey was enough to give me the kick in the ass I needed. I wiped my hands over my face and forced a smile as something inside me snapped. This isn’t me. No. I wouldn’t do this. The pre-Brett Julie would have bitch-slapped this sappy version. She’d tell her that no man was worth such agony and grief. Maybe I’d found the on/off switch after all, or perhaps my mind had snapped.
On impulse, I decided shopping and a night out was the remedy—even if it was for temporary relief. Aubrey hesitantly agreed to go shopping with me to pick out a “look how hot your ex-girlfriend is” outfit to wear to the club later. Screw Brett Chambers and his non-marrying ass. If he didn’t want me, then I was sure I could find someone who did. Deep down, I knew I didn’t want to, but wallowing wasn’t my style. This was how I coped with my feelings.
After our shopping spree, girl time, and the countless times Aubrey asked me if I was okay, we got ready and headed to the club. I never did answer her question. The truth was, I didn’t know if I’d ever be okay, but I couldn’t think about that. I put on a brave face and my big girl panties and tried to block out everything else. Because of what had happened with my parents, I attacked life as if it could all be over in the blink of an eye because the reality was that it could—like my relationship with Brett.
I wasn’t sure how tonight would pan out, but there were enough men at the White Orchid to assure me that finding someone to dance with wouldn’t be an issue. Alex had told Aubrey that Brett would be there, and I couldn’t wait to show him what he’d miss. I could flirt as well as, if not better than, he could. I hated mind games, but right then, I didn’t care. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. Maybe he’ll come back to me.
We arrived at the club and my sight landed on an attractive blond, and when I sauntered by him, he asked me to dance. I didn’t introduce myself, and I didn’t care what his name was. I wasn’t going to sleep with him—he was just a dance and a distraction. We moved together, and I did my best to hide any hint of misery that I was feeling.
Then I saw Brett grinding against Nikki. Was he drunk? I immediately stopped, and my legs felt like dead weight. My dance partner tried to shift my body, but my feet were rooted to the floor. I took one more look at Brett and Nikki. His hands were all over her body. But when she looked over his shoulder and smiled at me with confidence, I left the dance floor and my partner. A lump formed in my throat as my heart broke more than I’d ever thought it could. This was a stupid idea.
Once I finally got my bearings, and after I made a pit stop in the ladies’ room, I headed to the bar. Brett and Nikki were there, talking to Alex and Aubrey, who looked beyond uncomfortable. As soon as I made eye contact with Brett, my insides turned to mush. This had been a horrible mistake. I had no idea why I’d thought jealousy games would make me feel better because I felt worse.
Tyler said, “Hey, Julie, what can I get you?”
I attempted to steady my resolve and at least sound like the old me. “Hey, Tyler, can I have a Jack and Coke?” I repeated to myself, Don’t look at them. Don’t look at them. I decided to focus on Alex and Aubrey instead. “So are you guys ready for your engagement party? Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Julie.” Brett’s voice was curt and a bit slurred.
I rigidly held my sadness at bay. I glanced at him as he knocked back a shot of golden liquor. When he put the glass down, I noticed a handful of others empty beside it.
“Brett.” I tried to remain as impassive as I could. My attention went back to Aubrey. “So, your party—”
“This is Nikki,” Brett interjected.
I wanted to disappear and be anywhere else. Did he just introduce me to her? Is he that wasted? He knows I know her. What the hell is he trying to prove? I get it—we’re over, and he’s moving on with someone I despise. At least I danced with a stranger. How did we get here so quickly? Not even an entire day has passed. “Yes, I know who she is, but thanks for the introduction.”
“Weren’t you two together, like, yesterday?” Nikki giggled and flipped her hair. Her Botoxed lips twisted in a sarcastic grin. “I told you not to get your hopes up.”
It took every ounce of my strength not to rip that overly dyed auburn hair out of her brainless head. Aubrey suggested we head upstairs, which was a wonderful idea.
As we walked away, Brett called out to me, “Hey, Julie.”
My eyes scrunched together. I opened them and turned to look at him.
“See you ‘round.” He shot me a wink, and I continued on my way.
My body was numb, and I was sure my heart had died somewhere along the way. I felt my chest attempting to take in air, but it was useless.
The rest of the night consisted of me seeing Nikki and Brett sucking on each other’s faces and sharing tequila shots the way she’d always wanted to do them—with him licking her neck and snagging the lime from her lips with his. I couldn’t take it anymore. Alex told me that Brett was hur
ting too and was obviously drunk, but that wasn’t a good enough excuse. Alex attempted to break them up on the dance floor and talk some sense into him, but that was futile.
Brett was out to prove a point, and he did so in spades. I’d concede—he’d won. I had wanted to make him jealous and maybe see what he’d miss, but that had been an immature and stupid thing to do. Now the joke was on me.
When I asked Alex if he thought Brett would sleep with Nikki tonight, and he didn’t give me a definitive no, I knew it was over. We were done. I was completely devastated. My life had changed overnight. How had that happened?
I spent the night at Aubrey’s, but I couldn’t sleep. Every time my eyes closed, I saw Brett and Nikki making out as if they were starved for each other. But I didn’t cry. My tear ducts had turned into the Sahara Desert. I didn’t have any tears left.
Did he take her to his apartment? Are they having sex right this minute? I flew off the couch, wrote Aubrey a note, and went to Brett’s to see for myself. But once I got to his place, I couldn’t do it. Staring at his building was like torture. The thought of them tainting the bed we’d made love in was enough for me to go home.
My life was officially fucked up. I’d woken up in Nikki’s bed with a foggy memory. Once I got the hell out of there, I tried to remember everything about the night before. I remembered seeing Julie dancing with some guy who wanted in her pants. After a few shots of tequila, I’d allowed Nikki drag me onto the dance floor. After more cocktails, we left the club. Now I was in a taxi and wondering what the fuck had happened.
After the cab dropped me off at home, I read a text from Alex about some meeting I needed to get to, so I hopped in the shower.
I tried to think of ways to make this right with Julie, but I’d let the wrong head make a decision, and I knew I’d messed up any chance of getting Julie back. Who knew I could miss someone so quickly? But then, everything with us had been fast, from our first kiss to our breakup. When we did something, we attacked it. When I saw her dancing with that guy, all I’d wanted to do was fight fire with fire, not end up in Nikki’s bed. How could I have been so stupid? Julie would never forgive me.
A Heart's Forgiveness Page 9
