My Kind of Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Mr. Moreno walks away, pulling the door open quickly. He turns and looks at me. “Before you make a decision, talk it over with the guys. Make sure they’re okay with you pussy footing around in your basement while their bank accounts are dwindling.”

  The door slams on his way out, causing me to jump. I’m antsy and slightly freaking out. I don’t know how or why I’m so tongue-tied when he’s near... probably because he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing and right now I’m looking like his lunch.

  The simple fact that he thinks it’s okay to cheat should be enough for me to tell him to take a flying leap off a cliff, but I know he’s right about one thing: This decision… any decision... needs to be made as a band. I fear Harrison and JD will want to sign, leaving me the lone man out.

  I walk into my bedroom and grab my phone, pressing the home button and dialing Josie. In the past I’d turn to booze or women, but I don’t need that shit anymore.

  I just need her.

  I look down at my ringing phone to see Liam’s face light up my screen. My finger hovers over the talk button, but I can’t bring myself to press it. I’m not actually angry with him as much as I am with the whole situation. I knew we weren’t together and hadn’t been, but seeing our anniversary date as a happy occasion for Sam is painful. It’s as if he did everything he could to erase me from his life and, for the most part, he was successful. I know not to believe everything that I’ve read, but the excerpts from Sam’s diary hit a little harder for me because I’m sure, deep down, that most are true.

  Katelyn’s been gone an hour, leaving me to get lost in my own mind. I wouldn’t let her peruse the novel because I didn’t know how she’d react to the part about Mason. Thinking back to Sam’s thoughts makes my stomach turn. I can’t imagine what it would do to Katelyn.

  My phone dings with a voicemail from Liam. I know I’m not being fair, but I need time to decompress and absorb what I’ve read. If I tell Liam, he’ll either have excuses, or become angry with me because I’ve read this book. I’m sure he has no clue that it was delivered and is probably banking on the fact that I would never buy something like this. I don’t even look at the gossip sites or magazines because they’re out to make money off other people’s misery, which isn’t far from what this book is doing. I’m letting it affect me when I shouldn’t.

  One of the passages that stood out the most was about his grandmother’s house. Picking up the book, I fan the pages, stopping and skimming until I come to a diary excerpt from Sam. The pages are full of them and they’re really the focal point of the story.

  Liam’s grandmother has died. Her death has allowed him to lean on me more than he has been. I’ve been able to assert myself more and more since her passing and I think he appreciates it. He asked me to sell her house, or donate it. It’s his grief talking and even though he’s my client and I’m supposed to do what he says, I’m not. We can live there once he realizes we’re meant to be together.

  “Meant to be together,” I say those words out loud, hoping they sound differently than what I’m hearing in my head. They don’t. In fact, they anger me. The fact that this woman thought Liam was meant for her pains me, rips my heart out, because it has me wondering if he’s meant for me. I have spent far too many nights in my life second-guessing Liam Westbury and I don’t want to do it now. He came back to me...

  Or did he just come back for Noah?

  Pushing away from the table, I storm upstairs and into my closet. My arm reaches for the pull cord to the attic, but I hesitate. I know he has boxes up there from his time in LA and maybe they yield something about me, about us. Did he keep journals? Did he write about me in side notes of songs he wrote while he was away?

  I close my eyes and pull, fearful of what might fall down; the dust, spiders and who knows what else lives up there. The attic is Liam’s job. He stores our holiday decorations up there and brings them down when needed, along with other household items we want to save. It’s the catch all for anything we don’t want seen. I’ve only been up here a few times and as I climb the rickety ladder now I’m second-guessing myself. But I have to know if he ever felt anything for Sam, or if he ever thought about me while he was gone. He’s says he thought about me all the time, but the nagging suspicion reading this book has caused me won’t go away and I need it to.

  The string to the light dangles in front of me as I climb the steps. It’s out of reach until I’m two or three steps from the top. I pull gently, afraid that if I pull too hard the frayed string will break and with Liam not home to fix it, my quest for answers will only continue.

  Boxes line the walls. Each one of them marked with what’s inside. I trail my fingers along the lettering: Noah’s school work, baby clothes, sheet music, and records. This attic doubles as his storage space since the basement studio isn’t big enough. I start with the box labeled sheet music. Removing the lid, the papers are nice and orderly and blank. I pull that box down and look at the one behind it, continuing this unless I see something that makes sense to me.

  After what seems like an hour, I look around and see that I’ve destroyed the clean attic. Boxes are everywhere, some missing their lids, and I’m no closer to finding something that will help me feel like Liam is where he wants to be. I don’t care if he didn’t say the words in that book. They were said and I have to know if they’re true.

  A box titled “Grandma” catches my eye and I move quickly toward it. I hesitate before lifting the lid because I’m about to search through the belongings of a woman I didn’t know, a woman who took Liam away from me and is someone he loves dearly. He hardly speaks of her and when he does, he doesn’t divulge much. All I really know is she died – that’s it. I don’t know how or when. Maybe it’s her death that truly brought him home to me, not Mason’s funeral. I run my hand over the top of the box and grab it with both hands, setting it on the floor.

  As I stare at the box, I notice that the cursive handwriting on it isn’t Liam’s and because of what I’ve recently read, I’m pretty sure it’s Sam’s. She was there when she died. She was the one to comfort him. She was the one to help him through the loss of someone he cared about deeply. I wasn’t given that chance. I know I seem bitter but I’m not, I’m just really angry.

  The way I see it I can be angry with two dead people who can’t defend their actions now, or open this box and see what Grandma Betty can tell me. Hopefully, she’s the key to figuring everything out.

  Removing the lid unveils a pile of papers and a few smaller boxes. Picking up the first stack of papers, I blow the dust off and unfold them. This is the deed to her house, and it’s in Liam’s name. Sam said in her diary that she didn’t sell the house like he had asked and it makes me wonder if it’s still there. Has it sat empty all this time?

  The next section of papers reveals a death certificate. Its dated only months after he left me. My heart drops, beating a bit faster knowing I wasn’t enough to bring him back after his grandmother passed away. These are two things I now know from my investigation: Liam possibly still owns his grandmother’s house, and he lost her early on in his new career path.

  Setting the certificate aside, I dig in and pull out a wooden box. The name “Betty” is engraved on the outside. Opening it reveals jewelry: Diamonds and rubies. Sizes of rings I’ve only seen in stores are sitting there and in need of some serious attention.

  The next box holds pictures. I immediately recognize Bianca. My finger trails down the image, mesmerized by her beauty. Her dark hair is pulled up high, and she’s wearing a light colored dress with the most vibrant smile. I’ve never seen her smile like this, but would like to. I think Noah and Liam deserve to see the sparkle she has in her eyes in this picture shine for them.

  I look inside the box and see that I have another wooden box and a folder left to look through. I wish I could say I’m satisfied with what I’m finding, but I’m not. Liam should have this stuff out on display, or locked away for safekeeping.

  The other wooden box is engra
ved with “Charlie” and I’m guessing that belongs to his grandfather. I run my fingers over the letters and think that Charlie would make a great name for our newest addition. I had thought Liam would suggest Mason, but he hasn’t said anything yet and I may offer up Charlie as an option.

  Opening the box reveals an old folded piece of paper. I carefully unfold and read the words meant for someone else.

  My Dearest Betty,

  Death knocks on my door, and yet you stay by my side. I should’ve never left you and Bianca. I was stupid, selfish and thought the grass would be greener on the other side. I was wrong. Being away from you was a mistake and one I’ll never be able to change. The only thing I can do, is make sure you’ll always be taken care of. Someday I hope that you forgive me for wronging you the way I did.

  Love, Charlie

  I wipe away the tears before they hit the paper and find myself needing to scream at love lost, yet again, because of foolish mistakes and death. Liam never knew his grandfather and his grandmother weren’t allowed to see him. Life shouldn’t be this way. At the end of the letter is a bank and routing number. It’s all Charlie wanted, to take care of his one true love. I fold the letter up and press it to my heart. Charlie’s wedding ring, watch and pocketknife are the only things left in the box aside from a few pictures of Betty and Bianca.

  The folder is heavy when I pick it up and I can easily deduce that it’s full of paper. I close my eyes and pray this will have what I’m looking for. I undo the clasp which falls apart in my hand. It’s not old, just over used. I pull out the stack of papers. My heart catches in my throat as I gulp for air. I flip through the pages and pages of notes, all in Liam’s handwriting. I don’t understand why they’re in this box. Why would they be in a box for his grandparents and not for him? The pages are dated, and in order, starting with the day he left.

  All she had to do was hold me.

  Tell me everything would be okay.

  Her words – they broke me and yet she cries.

  I remember that day vividly. I don’t need a reminder.

  She hates me, but I love her.

  I want to tell her.

  Call her.

  Beg her.

  Her voice will break me.

  Shatter me.

  I said the one thing to end it.

  Josephine.

  The sob escapes before I can control it. My lips tremble as tears rush down my face, my breathing labored. Each inhale is painful, and it feels as though I can’t exhale because I can barely catch my breath. I let it all out, screaming loudly until my throat is dry and scratchy. The tears won’t stop, and I don’t expect them to as long as I’m reading his words.

  She wants to get married, but I don’t love her.

  When I look at her, she’s not the one I see in my dreams.

  She’s blonde and my fantasy is a brunette.

  She’s pregnant, and I want nothing to do with her.

  I DON’T WANT HER

  Never have.

  I’m weak. I’m weak. I’m weak.

  I flip to the end, unable to read anything about Sam and her fake baby. She tried to trap Liam, and it almost worked. It would’ve if he hadn’t left.

  A piece of me has died.

  My best friend, gone.

  He never knew how sorry I am.

  I’m going home.

  She’ll be there.

  Will I be able to tell her?

  That I still love her?

  With every breath – the love I have grows stronger.

  Fuck distance.

  Fuck life.

  I hold the papers to my chest and let everything pour out of me at once. I’m an idiot for doubting him, for thinking that he wasn’t being honest with me. We have a good life and I almost let the pain I feel from not having him here with me ruin us.

  “No more,” I say to a room full of memories. “Sam can’t hurt me anymore.”

  I won’t allow it.

  I start picking everything up, leaving his grandparents’ box for last. I want to talk to him about it, bring their stuff into our lives. We should be celebrating their lives, even if she’s the one who pulled him away from me.

  No, that’s not true. Liam would’ve left regardless. Betty just guided him on his journey.

  Finally, her name and beautiful face appear on my screen. I excuse myself from the conversation between Harrison, JD, Layla and Burke – Metro’s long-standing bass player and doorman – and walk to the greenroom.

  “Hello?” My voice is a breathy sigh, full of relief. Knowing she’s on the other line calms me.

  “I’m sorry I disappeared on you. I have no excuse other than I miss you.”

  “I miss you too, Jojo.” Her words give me pause. I know she’s stressing about the baby coming while I’m gone and the best that I can do is promise her I’ll be home. Or maybe once he’s arrived, she can come out here. Noah won’t be done with school yet, but Nick would watch him while Josie visits with the baby.

  “So anyway, how are things there?”

  “Are you okay?” I ask instead of answering her question. There’s something off in her voice and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned. Without a doubt she’s my number one priority, even if I’m not showing it right now.

  “I’m good. I’m just really tired.”

  I laugh, hoping to diffuse the tension I’m feeling over the phone. “Have you been out partying already? You girls shutting down Ralph’s at night?” I pray she says yes because the alternative in my mind is that she’s been crying her eyes out since I left. I don’t know what I’ll do if she says that. My options are limited unless she wants to come out here. Logically, I could quit the band, but I won’t do that to Harrison and JD. And I think she knows that.

  “No, nothing like that. Sleepless nights. No one to cuddle next to and your pillow no longer smells like you. I’ve taken to wearing a few of your shirts that were left.”

  The thought of her curled up in my shirt brings a smile to my face. “Would you like me to send you one tomorrow?”

  “Yes,” she says without hesitation. The only thing missing is her laugh. I really need to hear her giggle because then I’ll know everything’s okay.

  “I love you, Jojo.”

  “I love you, Liam. Tell me about LA. Do you remember the time that I was there?”

  My groin stirs at the recollection of her in a red dress. The valley of her breasts was exposed, begging for me to mark her as mine. I had to do everything in my power not to cross the line and by line I mean taking her to bed to make her scream my name.

  “I’ll never forget that night. I wanted you so badly and not just in my bed, but in my life. I wanted to see how you fit here. There were so many times when I’d stand at the window and imagine you down on the street. I’d look for you in the crowds at a concert. I always said that if I saw you, I’d never let you go until you told me to.”

  “Why are you telling me this now?”

  I shrug, even though she can’t see it. Taking a deep breath, I prepare to start spilling my guts. “I bottle shit up, you know this. I wish I didn’t, but sometimes it’s easier. Right now, I’m second-guessing myself as a husband, a father and a musician. I want to be home with you and Noah, but I want to be here as well. I’m trying to find a happy medium, but I don’t know what that is. When I was here before, you were on my mind every single day. Songs have been written about you, repeatedly, and that was never enough. It’s like I’m torn in two, Josie. The Page/Westbury parts are fighting for dominance and I honestly don’t know which side is going to win.”

  “You’re a wonderful father and an amazing husband. You’re the husband I thought you’d be, the only difference is there’s no football, and that’s okay because that means no injuries, no free agency, no one talking about how old you are. You’re successful and have worked hard to gain what you have, what you give Noah and I. I don’t want you to change, Liam.”

  She pauses, catching her breath. I can tell from her v
oice she’s been crying and even though she’s assured me nothing’s wrong, I know she’s not being honest with me.

  “I want you to be who you want to be. Noah and I will support you no matter what.”

  Her words trigger a wave of relief within me. Suddenly I feel ten pounds lighter. “You’re too good for me, you know that right?”

  Josie sighs and giggles. She finally fucking giggles and now I’m smiling like a damn fool. “I’m not but I like that you think I am. We’re good for each other.”

  Before we can get into how things are going, Noah’s home and chatting my ear off about baseball practice and spending the night at Nick’s. He tells me that Aubrey made him a tent for over his bed, and while he’s too big for it, he slept in it anyway so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings. He hangs up before I can ask him to put his mom back on the phone.

  I’ll call after Noah’s in bed.

  I shoot her a quick text. I’d rather let her spend some time with Noah, instead of sitting on the phone with me. Besides, with him in the room, we can’t really talk, so I’ll call her tonight. As I walk down the hall back to the club, I stop at the picture of my grandfather. I wish I had met him, had been a part of his life or he mine. My grandmother loved him, even though he left her. It takes a strong woman to hold on that long. Josie is strong like my grandma, while my mother isn’t. I don’t know what would possess anyone to give up their life for someone else. Not in the sense that you’re committed to each other, but to forget who you were. Because of what my mother did, likely at the request of my father, I didn’t get to know my grandmother and neither did my son. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her or Sterling for that.

  It feels amazing to be back on a stage. We need to make a few adjustments for this venue, but we still have a few days before the first show. Tickets went on sale this morning and are selling like crazy. Even if Trixie closes Metro, she’ll have enough money to pay off debtors and get some repairs done. The club is really in need of a makeover.