Dead Men (Marie and Lotte Book 1)
Page 9
When she got back home she threw her bag onto a chair. She saw that The Ruminant was in his usual position of lying on the couch; she said nothing and went to make a salad and ate it standing up in the kitchen. She felt her energy levels rise a little and then rang Marie.
“Hello” she said, “thanks again for the scarf, I dressed as ordered today! Yesterday was such good fun!”
“That’s a good girl!” Marie replied, “It was nice to meet you...”
“Certainly was and yes, I’m sure you’ve never met someone through them begging to give them your clothes! If you had been with someone I would never have approached you, so I am glad you were there by yourself.”
“I love just watching people. Sometimes I sit in a cafe and try to guess what the other customers are thinking, what kind of relationship they have with the people they are with and what they lack in their lives.”
“What they lack in their lives? That’s interesting. Why’s that?
“Oh all people feel they are missing something in their lives and it’s fun to guess what it is. Especially, of course, if you can find out whether you’re right or not!”
“Oh yes, of course …”
Lotte immediately thought of what she was missing in her own life; apart from freeing herself of the idiot in the living room. Marie continued.
“Watching people for me is just as good as watching a really good movie, especially at Christmas time when they’re all being driven by tradition and other outside forces; that’s why I was there yesterday. I love to observe people in places where they are going to be with other people and try and work out what the attractions were. Sounds weird or crazy right?”
The last was said with the suggestion of humour, but Lotte also guessed that there was a serious side to the question.
“No it doesn’t sound weird … just voyeuristic!” she teased.
Marie laughed out loud and Lotte felt like they were back in the café again. Being with Marie just seemed to bring out the real Lotte and she felt liberated. They chatted a little longer and then agreed to meet at another cafe the following week.
× × ×
When Lotte came out of the subway, she could just see the back of Marie’s distinctive head with its luxurious hair and Lotte sent her a text message:
“U r being stalked!”
After a few seconds Marie stopped, looked at her phone and then turned and looked out through the sea of winter jackets and knitted hats. Lotte waved and Marie flashed a smile and waved back. There was a dusty fine rain, a delicate, barely noticeable cloud of water that felt like the drops stood still in the air. She reached Marie and they hugged lightly.
“Cool rain, huh?” said Lotte
“Indeed” replied Marie, “Like there is a damp haze above the city, put there by magic just before the rainbow appears to cast a golden glow over the streets.”
“Wow! You’re a pure poet!”
Marie laughed as if almost a little self-conscious at her outspoken thoughts. Lotte just smiled. She was used to people complaining of her sometimes very flowery way of speaking and it was nice to hear it from someone else. She thought it was so entirely appropriate, because life is full of wonder if you’re prepared to look for it. Lotte knew that she had something special because she never failed to notice the little things in everyday life.
She could really enjoy herself when she structured her thoughts in a poetic way, but then she would see The Ruminant, sprawled on the couch. Then she would hear the sound of a needle being pushed across a record; her beautiful thoughts were stopped and replaced by instant irritation.
Sometimes she actually felt as if she wanted to go and fetch a pillow from her bed and put over his face and sit on it. The Ruminant had once said that he “loved her barn door of an arse” and when she looked offended, said that he thought she preferred it that he was honest. It would be poetic justice, when he loved her ass so much.
The two women were almost silent as they finished the walk to the café, seeming as if they were forbidden to talk to each other before they sat down. Perhaps it was a little awkward uncertainty because they did not know each other very well yet; or maybe it was just one of them who felt that way. Lotte thought that Marie’s mind seemed to be somewhere else.
“What are you thinking?” Lotte asked.
“Actually I was thinking that it might be nice to go somewhere that was a little warmer. Where I could sit and look out over the sea while I waited for the spring to come back to Denmark. I’ve always thought January was such a dreary month here.”
“Oh yes!” replied Lotte, daring to dream for a moment. “It would be lovely to cross January and February off the calendar and enjoy them anywhere else but here.
“And November and December!” suggested Marie.
“Oh no, I like Christmas in Denmark; all the decorations and mulled wine, presents and warm living rooms with nice people.”
“It actually sounds quite good when you describe it that way!” replied Marie.
“Where do you spend Christmas?” asked Lotte and was taken aback at Marie’s reply.
“I don’t bother with Christmas” she said, suddenly sounding almost angry.
In the silence that ensued, Lotte was embarrassed by her question. She could easily understand that some people had bad memories associated with Christmas and therefore did not want to continue the tradition. She had bad memories too, but she chose to make Christmas her own and had created her own traditions, which did not involve drinking and violence. But she didn’t tell her new friend that. Marie might assume that Lotte was trying to say that Marie should make Christmas a good thing in her own way too, but that would probably be unwelcome. She did not want to be perceived in a bad light by Marie in any way.
The café they were going to lay in a part of town where there are no trees and it all looked really grey, drab and dreary. When they arrived, several tables were put together so that they formed rows of seating. It looked like a diner for a pig feast in dull-ville and it was not helped by the waiter’s slightly stooped shoulders and his toneless “welcome”, which clearly meant “Fuck you, I don’t want this shitty job.”
Lotte and Marie turned to each and discovered they both had a puzzled look suggesting they were wondering why on earth they had chosen this place. Simultaneously they burst out laughing and headed straight back out the door. Almost unable to speak because of the fits of giggles, they headed back down the street. Behind them, the waiter stared angrily at them and then his look changed; clearly he was jealous and wished it could be him walking away.
The next café was only five minutes away and it had soft, red cushioned chairs and candles and was warm and welcoming. They both ordered brunch and while they ate the mood continued to grow lighter and they thoroughly enjoyed themselves. They talked about men and jobs, about life and death and they laughed together. They found many similarities in their lives and values, all of which meant that an unbreakable bond was being created between them.
12
It turned out that they both had been married, but neither of them was that unhappy when the marriage ended. Lotte had been shocked to hear about Marie’s husband disappearing from a cruise ship.
“Oh really! Even if the marriage was nothing to write home about that must have still been awful?”
“Well it was a shock, but neither my marriage nor my sex-life gave me something to remember fondly; when my husband took his clothes off he smelled of stale cheese!”
Lotte almost dropped her coffee cup as the she had another fit of the giggles. Once she’d composed herself again, Marie answered the question properly.
“Seriously though, what was most difficult was the fact that I was actually so relieved that he was gone. I didn’t dare tell anyone because I was afraid they would think that I was a heartless bitch. Everyone saw it as a tragedy and sent me flowers and wanted to s
upport me, but I couldn’t tell anyone how I really felt. It was really hard and you’re only the second person that’s ever knew the truth.”
“So who did you tell first?” asked Lotte, keen to know who this other friend was who Marie confided in as much. Lotte almost felt a twinge of jealousy that she hadn’t been first; Marie seemed to sense what her companion was thinking and laughed lightly.
“Oh that’s when I started therapy a few months after his death! I just needed to get it out and confess that was how I felt without getting any condemnation in return. I was still genuinely afraid that the psychologist would be angry and send me away and I really wanted to avoid that because there were a lot of things I needed to talk to him about.”
“Who did you go to?” asked Lotte, wondering again if she might benefit from therapy as well; not that she could afford it though.
“Oh I can’t remember his name, but it was in a psychologist center. He was the first of several psychologists I saw; I changed periodically so I’d get new perspectives on things.
“Wow! You sound like some hard-core client!” teased Lotte, “How many hours do you have under your belt?”
Marie laughed lightly and grinned.
“Oh hundreds! Once I got started and found out how many tools I could acquire by sharing with another human being, I gave in to it and enjoyed it. Of course I was lucky, I’d inherited a good deal of money from my husband so I could have as many hours as I wanted to.”
“So how do you feel about his death now?” Lotte asked earnestly.
“Grateful!” said Marie and Lotte almost collapsed again. Then again, Marie answered her honestly. She looked sad for one moment then smiled at Lotte again.
“Most of the time I like to think it was just an accident and I know of course that he wouldn’t have suffered. He must have died very quickly when the water was so cold and he was an older man.”
“Well you do sound quite calm and philosophical about it, but I can understand you having concerns that he might have chosen death rather than life with you. Oh, I’m sorry, that sounded wrong. But he could have been unhappy without anyone knowing it and could take his own life even though he had a beautiful wife and lots of money.”
“Well yes I guess so. I know I joked about being grateful, but if he did choose to end his life he would have known he was giving me the gift of both my literal and economic freedom.”
“Well I do actually think you’re a lucky bitch!” said Lotte and it was Marie’s turn to laugh so loud she made everyone in the café stare at her.
Lotte told Marie about her marriage, which had been loveless and frustrating. She was twenty three years old when she met her husband and was impressed with his confidence and clear opinions about everything. Then she had been betrayed, cheated, lied to and exploited, but had found all sorts of excuses to stay in the marriage. Divorce was not an option. It would be a shameful and embarrassing defeat that Lotte was sure would brand her forever. Her parents had divorced when she was a child and that has seemed to crush her. She had wanted them to stay together for her sake.
However, she came to her senses after three years and had chosen to divorce, even though her husband threatened both murder and suicide if she left him. She lost everything she owned since she had used her savings for the down payment on the condo and it was sold at a loss. She had felt really stupid because she had trusted him and had been blinded by his self-confidence, which in reality was a facade that hid the fact that he was so unsure of himself that he could be annoyed just by a question put the wrong way.
Lotte finally had enough and broke all connection with him, even though he continued to contact her and blame her that she was gone. She simply stopped responding to his emails and wouldn’t take calls from him; finally he gave up and she got her peace.
“I was young and naive. Really naive. I thought I was so smart, but obviously I’m not, because I will continue to fall for men who are not there for me - emotionally, financially or practically. I seem to find men who believe that love is to give each other space, and a blowjob every now and then.”
She sighed and looked despairing. For a moment, her eyes shone and she looked away, taking a sip of her coffee to try and keep the tears from starting.
“I feel just so incompetent in relationships Marie; it seems so fucking hard. It sounds easy and is supposed to be as simple as feeling you are in love, but there is always like an absurd can’t win ‘Catch 22’ which creeps up you and everything collapses. Then I sit back and feel really stupid.
She looked at Marie wondering if she would see condemnation in her eyes, or maybe Marie understood her. She was surprised at Marie’s reaction.
“It’s not you there’s something wrong with men. Try to imagine that you lived in a village of drunken addicts and their partners. What would your role models be and what would your choice of partners be? So what would you have to be?”
Lotte was quite disturbed at the idea.
“Oh but I would simply move away from such a place.”
“No you wouldn’t, not if you didn’t know otherwise. You wouldn’t know that there was an alternative.”
Now Lotte was completely caught off guard and fell silent. The truth of what Marie said sank in. And Lotte thought about her life.
“Well, does that mean that I automatically choose men who are idiots? I really don’t think that’s fair!”
Now Lotte was angry, but she did see her friend’s reasoning. If it was as such, could it ever be different?
“Well, if I were your therapist,” said Marie, “then I would ask you about what sort of woman you are if you choose men like you have?”
“Oh …. I’ve never looked at it like that.”
“Quite right. You’ve simply moved in the wrong circles, and you meet only those that fit those circles. You only see them. Probably also because you have something within you from your childhood that makes you attract assholes and cockroaches!”
Lotte laughed and blushed over how well Marie has seen her and understood her situation.
“Yes I do I see it now. It makes sense, though I do not think it’s particularly nice to think that I grew up attracting such morons. But how can I find a decent man? Should I just give up?”
“Oh I don’t believe in giving up Lotte. I believe that we do everything as best we can, but we are predestined to gain certain experiences and play a particular role in the world. If you want to change it, you have to change something inside you. I know there are many books written on how to do it, but I’m not sure that I believe they’re right. Maybe we should just accept that life is as it is and make the best of it.”
Now Lotte looked quite concerned.
“So you’re basically saying that personal development doesn’t work?”
“Yes, in some areas. I think that we certainly can change some of what we do. But we cannot change who we are.”
“Oh I can’t agree with that. It’s an overly negative outlook. In that way all things will stay the same!”
“No, on the contrary, it’s important to get the best out of what we’ve got within us. We have to simply use it constructively.”
Marie smiled at Lotte, who was still a little surprised by her suggestions, but smiled back.
“It is okay if you insist on being naive and believe in change,” teased Marie.
Lotte’s face lit up in a smile, and she stuck a finger in Marie’s side. She gave a squeal and they both laughed.
“I’m really glad to have met you, Lotte.”
“I’m also really happy Marie. It’s so wild to get someone like you into my life. You give so much in every way.”
“I knew it! You’re only with me for the money!” said Marie and prodded Lotte back. She shrieked and her chair moved noisily across the floor.
“If you give me a thousand dollars I’ll accept you’re right!”
“But you know that they actually exist Marie? These men who are neither assholes nor cockroaches? Or do you just think all men are the same? I’m not so sure that I believe in their existence, because I’ve never met one. Maybe there is a god somewhere, a truly sadistic one, who loves to torment us. We provide ourselves with skin and hair, body and soul, and what do we get back? Problems, conflicts, crises, laundry and fucking bills! I’m sorry I’m a little down, but if the next man I meet is not the opposite of all the others then I’m going to stay a spinster!”
“But we don’t give up sex just because we can’t meet men who appreciate us. It doesn’t mean that we can’t find men who are good lovers that are happy to be discarded when we’ve finished with them!”
Lotte giggled.
“Well I’ve certainly not met so many of those! I think it’s good in the beginning, because I’m needy, but when the veil falls from my eyes I can see that it is me who got things wrong and not him. The Ruminant seemed so unromantic and uninterested in true love. I think it was good in the beginning, but it was probably because I took the initiative and said what I wanted. I’m so tired of living with him and having to stare at him every day!”
She let out an exasperated sigh.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about him. He is so stupid that he doesn’t deserve to get more words.”
Marie just smiled a little smile to assure Lotte that it was okay and that she was listening.
“I’ve just gone along with it for so long and refused to see the truth. I fooled myself into thinking that I can make something happen by doing something different. But it’s a lie. It takes two to tango, and I’ve danced on my own too much.”
Marie knew how frustrating it was for Lotte to live with her ex, and she could also understand how powerless Lotte felt. Lotte was happy by nature and sought laughter, love and experiences. The Ruminant seemed to be sucking the life out of her.