Hilda - Snow White revisited

by Paul Kater

  The latter was rather obvious. The moon seemed to touch the top of the mountain already. Hilda poked it with her wand. "And up you go, back to where you belong!"

  Nothing happened. "Are you sure this works?", Magrat asked, never taking her eyes off the immense looming object.

  "Yeah, no worries, just takes a moment in English. I hate Latin, you see." As Hilda spoke, the moon started to move up, faster and faster, until it was back high up in the sky.

  "So, now the colour... Bright white?"

  "A kind of pastel beige would be nice," Magrat managed to make Hilda grunt.

  "So, bright white it will be," the wicked witch said. She said the spell, hit the moon with it, and the entire landscape bathed in a silvery white light, making the sun wonder what it was still doing there. "Much better. And you need to practice, kid. Seriously. And start with smaller things. This is a few sizes too large for you."

  "Impressive, Hilly," said a small man that had come up to her without a sound.

  In one fluent motion Hilda turned, aimed and made Rumpelstiltskin fly through the air, landing him in a group of thorny bushes. "I told you not to call me that," she said, putting away the wand.

  "Grimhilda!", Mother Elderberry screamed, "that is not a way to treat a guest!" She magicked Rumpelstiltskin out of his painful position and cast an angry look at the wicked witch.

  "I warned him not to call me that or he'd suffer the consequences. Now he suffers the consequences." Hilda showed no remorse whatsoever.

  "Child, we do want this meeting to be a peaceful event, remember?"

  Hilda swallowed the "child", as Mother Elderberry was a very old and very respected witch, but did say that she had not started it. "If mr Big there keeps his trap shut, I'm fine. Just warn him." She threw back her long grey hair and ignored the little man who was picking thorns from his private parts.

  17. When witches meet

  After the painfully bad start, everyone did their utmost to make things nicer. For Hilda that meant that she would try to keep her sharp tongue under control. Baba Yaga was frowning over her girlfriend's behaviour a few times, but could understand her annoyance with the little prick with the spinning wheel fixation.

  Berchta and Glenda had arrived also. They had run into a bit of a storm that had thrown their brooms off course, so they had had a bit of a struggle to find their way, but "all's well that ends well," Glenda said with her perpetual smile.

  Glenda looked splendid and brilliant, as ever. Her dress was white as pure snow, flowed around her like a cloud. The silvery effects in the fabric heightened the shine. The high pointy hat, white also, had long silvery veils hanging from it, and carefully applied magic provided that they never were in Glenda's way.

  Berchta, the friendly witch from the north, wore her usual brown pants and a comfy red shirt. She lived in the mountains, and long flowing dresses made it impossible to get around there, according to her. Hilda had always suspected that Berchta should have been a boy. The northern witch had her hair short and in a lot of braids with beads woven into them.

  "What's that?", Baba Yaga asked, as she noticed the beads. She took one of them between her boney fingers.

  "Oh, isn't that progressive?", Berchta asked. "I have seen that somewhere and I thought it to be so cute that I had to try it myself."

  "Your hair is a bit short for braids," Hilda remarked.

  "I know," Berchta giggled, which gave the wicked witch the creeps. "But there's nothing that magic can't fix when the hairdresser gives up."

  "Ladies? Can we start, or is your tea-chatter too important to interrupt?", Strega Nona asked, tapping her fingernail on a hovering broom and looking impatient.

  "Wanna try me?", Hilda fired up immediately, striding up to the southern bad witch and standing almost nose to nose with her.

  "Oh deary," said Nanny Ogg. "Come on, ladies, peaceful event, do you remember?"

  Witchy adrenalin only lowers slowly, so there was the need for a bit of time before both Hilda and Strega Nona had cooled down again.

  The witches and the still sore little man assembled in the middle of the open space, where Granny Weatherwax welcomed everyone, after which she invited Magrat Garlick to cast the magic circle.

  Magrat thanked her, took out a really amazing big knife and made a circle with that, slicing a rift in the ground around the people attending the meeting.

  Hilda kept all her snide remarks to herself, seeing the skinny witch go round.

  The meeting then got on the way, with everyone talking about the things they had done, the novelties they had discovered either by themselves or the once that were proudly found elsewhere. Of course, the short gossip-moment could not be forgotten.

  Nanny Ogg and Mother Elderberry had taken the roles of hostesses onto themselves and were going round with tea, coffee and home-made cookies.

  Frau Holle went off on a tangent as she was describing new ways to build wishing wells, but nobody minded really, as she had a very funny accent and that made the entire story quite humourous to listen to.

  Rumpelstiltskin had a small show prepared in which he had an automatic spinning wheel that could not only produce gold, but also silver and silk from straw.

  "Neat," Hilda had to admit, "but you can only have so much gold and silver. I can see where the silk comes in handy, though." She was already imagining a silk nightgown. With skulls and bears.

  Rumpelstiltskin smiled. "You are not moving in the right circles to see the advantage of lots of gold and silver, that is obvious. I, on the other hand, rub elbows with kings and queens."

  Hilda's eyes reduced themselves to slits. "You - say - what?" Slowly she got up and stared at the small man with the head full of hair.

  Rumpelstiltskin, obviously unaware of the extremely thin ice he was venturing out on, repeated his words. "See, royalty is always up for the glittery stuff."

  Hilda, hands on her hips, shook her head. "Listen, buster, I don't know your kind of royalty, but mine has other things on their mind than gold and silver. They are people who care about things. Perhaps not the right things, but they take responsibility for what they do. And when they neglect that, that's where I come in and bend things a bit. So don't give me that crap about rubbing elbows with royalty. I talked to the king a lot lately."

  Her face a thundercloud, she sat down again, glaring angrily at the small man.

  "Tut, tut, tut," said Granny Weatherwax, "this perhaps was a bit uncalled for..."

  "Think so?", Hilda snapped, holding back the rest as Baba Yaga and Strega Nona both put hands on her shoulders.

  "Calm down, girlfriend," said Babs, "no good in making people angry. Not this kind of people anyway, okay?"

  Hilda grumbled something which was probably very offending but it was also so quiet that nobody had to take offense.

  Rumpelstiltskin was quite shaken up by the interruption; he just barely managed to twist things into an end and sat down. Far away from Hilda. He had not forgotten his airtrip into the bushes and he was certainly not looking forward to a repetition of it.

  Strega Nona then brightened things up by making a group of musical instruments float around. They accompanied her in a few songs she was singing; songs from her country, with rather naughty lyrics. That was something Hilda appreciated very much, and she sat clapping her hands to the rhythm.

  Berchta then went into a lecture about moss and its use in magic.

  Hilda kept her mouth shut, exchanging meaningful glances with Baba Yaga.

  By and by all the witches performed or talked about something, until only the wicked witch and her illustrious girlfriend had not been up for their part of the show. The two looked at each other and nodded.

  "We will need a few moments to prepare our bit," Baba Yaga said as they got up. "Perfect time for more coffee, tea or something stronger."

  That was accepted with a cheer from the others. Rumpelstiltskin was up very quickly and made his way to the large drinks cabinet that was there to be plundered.

  M
eanwhile , Hilda and Babs brought in the massive cauldron and all the other goodies they had been working on. This was going to be the paramount of displays on this meeting. They readily ignored the fact that it had supposed to be during the last meeting also. That event had literally blown up in everyone's face. Nothing like that should happen this time.

  After setting up their improvised stage, Hilda noticed that the attendants to the spectacle had not forgotten last time. They sat around the area, but at more a respectful than respectable distance.

  As the two witches were fussing over the last preparations, there were several whispering conversations going on among the spectators.

  "Do you think they are afraid that we're setting them on fire again?", Hilda asked Baba Yaga.

  "Wouldn't really surprise me, after last time," Baba Yaga replied. "We did a helluva job on that then. I am honestly surprised that they let us do the closing boom again this time."

  "Perhaps deep down they are perverts," Hilda snickered, "and I think we are set for the grand finale, girlfriend."

  On the bottom of the insane cauldron all the ingredients were already bubbling and producing the right smells and fumes. Four brooms were placed around the cauldron, simply lying on the ground for now, and the two friends nodded at each other. Baba Yaga would do the honours of introducing their act this time.

  "Ladies and... Rumpelstiltskin. Tonight we have a special treat for you. No worries to be set on fire, or being green for a few days, for which we again apologise. We've prepared a rather harmless, yet, as we hope tasteful display for you all to enjoy. There is absolutely nothing to be scared of, you have seen flying brooms before, and the ones we use are well-trained for the job. Thank you. Grimhilda... let's do it."

  The two took positions next to the cauldron, Hilda on the left, Baba Yaga on the right. They spread thei arms and hands, and together they started to conjure up a strong magical field.

  "Do you think we're safe here with them at it again?", asked Granny Weatherwax.

  "Oh, come on, they promised to be careful this time," said Nanny Ogg.

  "Remember what they promised last time?" Granny Weatherwax held on to her skirts and kept half an eye on the broom closest to her, to facilitate a safe and fast getaway if worst came to worst. With the dynamic duo near the cauldron you could not be careful enough.

  Rumpelstiltskin, sitting between Strega Nona and Glenda, stretched out his arms as did the magical couple near the cauldron.

  Glenda's eyes got very large for a moment and a smile appeared on her face. Both expressions disappeared promptly as Strega Nona slapped Rumpelstiltskin over the head. "Keep your hands where we can see them. Both of 'm!" she hissed.

  Glenda looked disappointed for a moment, but said nothing.

  Hilda and Babs were done summoning enough power. The four brooms rose up into the air and formed a small pyramid over the cauldron with its smoldering contents. Then the brooms shot out to the four directions of the compass, hovering near the corners of the field where the meeting was taking place. They started pulsating in all colours of the rainbow, following each other in shades, as if the light was running around along the perimeter. The effect it had on the area was sublime.

  In the nearby villages (and you should take 'nearby' very loosely) the people started closing their curtains and doors, as the insanity of lights had started again.

  The duo stepped back from the cauldron and injected a healthy dose of magic into the cauldron.

  "Enough?", Hilda asked, as this was not her trick.

  "Nah, slap some more into it," said Baba Yaga, and she put the action to the words. Hilda followed Babs' lead and threw in a good portion also.

  "Cool!" Baba Yaga stepped back some more, and Hilda did that too. And not a moment too soon.

  The herbs and magical potions arrived at their optimal magical boiling point and started to react. A chemistry professor would have given his left arm for something like this.

  A long string of colourful stars shot up from the large iron kettle and ran circles around the moon. Hilda grabbed her wand and made the moon pulsate in sync with the four brooms that were still doing their flashy jobs on the four corners of the round field. The stars they had sent up would shine in the complimentary colour to that of the moon and the brooms, giving the whole show a striking effect.

  As the spectators were still watching the stars making their rounds, the next trick came out of the kettle. Slowly a blobbish shape seemed to crawl from it, hovering over it in a kind of blackness that was clearly visible and yet remained a challenge for the eyes. Then the shapeless blob turned mauve and changed into a giant replica of Nanny Ogg.

  The large Nanny Ogg turned black again, and as it turned yellow it changed into a giant Mother Elderberry. And like that it went through many colours, each time taking on the shape of one of the witches that was present at the meeting.

  A big applause was theirs, as each of the witches had had a turn to admire herself in a colourful XL edition.

  Hilda and Baba Yaga were ready to draw down the energies, when Rumpelstiltskin got up and walked over to them, not worrying about breaking magical circles or interrupting the magical flow around the field and the cauldron. "So what about me? Can't you do me?"

  Of course, the two could not do Rumpelstiltskin, simply because they had not known he would be there. The goo in the kettle was almost dissolved, and they had not had any time to practice bringing up his shape.

  "We could give it a shot," Baba Yaga said, winking at Hilda.

  Hilda nodded with a hidden grin. "You lead, girlfriend. I'll fill in the open spots."

  Baba Yaga drew up magic and shot it into the embers of the goo in the cauldron. There was a slighty wavering blob appearing again. Baba Yaga had to give it everything she had on it to keep it intact, so Hilda took her chance...

  The blob shrunk somewhat and turned into a giant spinning wheel. Rumpelstiltskin's face shone as a microscopic sun as he saw his favourite utensil appear, floating in front and over him.

  The little man had not counted on Hilda's ability to hold a grudge. He stepped up to the spinning wheel, making that the best mistake he could have made that evening.

  As if a giant was working on the spinning wheel, an enormous amount of cotton came spouting out of the thing, covering Rumpelstiltskin in a matter of moments. Hilda was Hilda of course. The cotton was not only cotton, it was also sticky as if it was drenched in honey...

  Some muttering sounds came from under the sticky umbrella. Hilda stopped the flow of honey-laced cotton and then the spinning wheel disappeared, but not the goo covering the small man...

  Granny Weatherwax looked quite dismayed as their guest of honour had turned into a ball of dishonour, but could barely hold backthe giggle when she saw it unfold. Glenda and Strega Nona heard it and grinned also, as they got up and waited for the magic to calm down so they could help Rumpelstiltskin.

  Baba Yaga and Hilda started to bring the brooms back. The stars dissolved and the moon returned to its original colour. Slowly the magic died away and then Glenda and Strega Nona came forward to rescue Rumpelstiltskin from his sticky prison.

  Strega looked at Hilda. "You shouldn't have..." Her face however showed that she was only saying the politically correct words. The expression she wore showed that she really appreciated the special touch Hilda and Baba Yaga had added to their performance. It was evident that Strega Nona did not have too much respect for Rumpelstiltskin either, although she managed to hide that perfectly.

  With a quick grin, so Rumpelstiltskin would not see it, Hilda nodded at the wicked witch from far away. A cool lady, for certain.

  Once the harassed little man had been freed (Hilda noticed that nobody was in a rush or used magic), relative peace and quiet returned to the top of Scary Mountain.

  Mother Elderberry stood in their middle. "Dear friends..." -she cast a doubtful look at Hilda-, "I think we have all seen a grand display of our newest achievements and abilities. Too bad about the little mishap
with that last bit of magic, but that shows that magic is something that needs to be prepared, and handled with care. Let this be a warning to all of us."

  Hilda chuckled behind her hand. She had not expected such a hidden thumbs up from the good witch that was doing the closing speech.

  "For now, I would like to ask our dear Magrat Garlick to open our magical circle again, so we can all go our merry way, after restoring this place to its regular order again of course."

  Magrat managed to make the rounds without a problem. Magic dissipated, causing weird effects in the greater area around Scary Mountain. These were not things that the good people of the nearby villages couldn't cope with though, history had shown that.

  All the witches started to pack their things together. Berchta watched with interest how Hilda shrunk the giant kettle to manageable proportions, and not much later everyone was ready to go leave. Strega Nona and Granny Weatherwax were putting the top back on the mountain before heading for home. Nanny Ogg and Magrat were waiting for them.

  Nanny Ogg was quietly singing her hedgehog song: "The spines on his back are too sharp for a man; They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can; The result I think you'll find will appall: The hedgehog can never be buggered at all."

  Magrat stood next to Hilda as the two witches were doing their massive trick with the mountain top. "That is some big magic, isn't it?", the skinny witch in the white dress said.

  Hilda, who had changed in her travelling clothes again, nodded. "Yeah, pretty spiffy how they do that. How's your magic going? Just curious, okay, as the moon was a bit too much for you."

  Magrat shrugged. "I am not so much focussed on the real magic thing. It's kind of... not me. I still feel more for nature, plants, good things like that. All the things you don't like."

  "Right. Well, next time you start playing with the moon or so, let us know in advance so we can set something up in time." Hilda rummaged in one of her deep pockets. "Here, something for you. Plant stuff."

  Magrat looked surprised at the gift of the wicked witch. "Why, thank you! I had never thought that you would do something like that."