Mine to Lose

by T. K. Rapp

  “Maybe he’s the one,” he says with air quotes while laughing.

  When I feel the conversation is about to return to talk of us, I opt to focus on the past, not the looming future. I rest my head on his shoulder before I speak. “Do you remember that night we went to see Mumford and Sons?”

  “Which time?” he asks nudging his shoulder, clearly teasing me.

  “Last year. When it rained.”

  “Yeah,” he says, wrapping his arm around me. “How could I forget? We were drenched and you were freezing.”

  I let out a small laugh, snuggling closer to him. “Yes, but I’m talking about after.”

  “Oh, you mean when you made me stay there well after the show ended so you could try to see the band?”

  “Hey!” I sit up objecting. “It could have happened. They had to leave at some point.”

  “True. But you forgot there were multiple exits. Figures you chose the one they wouldn’t use,” he teases as he hugs my body next to his.

  I sigh and close my eyes, feeling as though I could drift to sleep. “Well, that was the night I knew I wanted to marry you. I thought, anyone who would do that, even though he doesn’t like the band himself, has to be a keeper.”

  “Still feel that way?” When he asks, I swear there is a hint of worry in his voice for what my answer might be.

  “I’ll always feel that way.” No other words are spoken, he kisses me and I relax, dreaming of a world where Ryan isn’t leaving and there are no unspoken words.

  * * *

  As we land in San Diego, I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Ryan has a rental car waiting for us, and the drive to the hotel shouldn’t take too long. I try my best to keep a positive attitude and not worry about tomorrow or even a week from now when he leaves. The apartments we’re looking at all have vacancies, so it’s just a matter of seeing which one he likes the best. By the time we fly out on Sunday, Ryan will have a new home. Without me. In California. The area is familiar to him because he summered here growing up, but to me, it’s another world.

  “Are you hungry?” he asks, breaking through my sad thoughts.

  “No, I’m good, but if you want to stop, that’s fine.”

  “I talked to the agents this morning, two of them said they could see us at four o’clock. Is that okay with you?” I nod in agreement. Pull the Band-Aid off, I think to myself. Without another word, he turns out of the car rental facility and hops onto the freeway, heading to parts unknown.

  The drive to the first complex is only twenty minutes, but he doesn’t even bother to stop because the place looks pretty rundown. It looks nothing like the pictures online and I can tell he’s disappointed because if the next one is as bad as this, we’ll have to start from the bottom. Fortunately, the next apartment is down the road and when we pull up to the leasing office, I can tell he already likes this place. The complex appears to be older, but it has been maintained really well.

  The leasing agent greets us when we walk in and extends her hand to Ryan. “Mr. Tate, I presume?”

  “You must be Reese,” he greets her warmly.

  She smiles and picks up a phone that begins ringing nearby. “I’ll be right with you.”

  While she’s taking care of that, we walk around the leasing office and check out a few of the amenities. I can tell Ryan is happy with what he’s seen so far.

  “Would you like me to show you the unit, or would you rather look at it alone?” Reese asks as we walk toward her.

  “I think we’re good.” He looks at me and I nod in agreement. “Just point us in the right direction.”

  Hand in hand, we walk down the sidewalk to the apartment, and I’m surprised at how much larger this one is compared to our place back home. I’ve always heard rent in California is expensive and the places are small, but then again, his company is paying for this place. It appears to have been renovated recently, because the updated faux wood floors and granite countertops look new. The cabinets, carpet and paint are all muted brown hues and the place screams ‘bachelor pad.’ There’s a twinge of jealousy, or maybe insecurity, seeing where my soon-to-be husband will live alone for the next year.

  I remain rooted near the kitchen area while he explores the rest of the apartment. I resist the urge to look around since I’m finding it hard not to get upset. If I were moving out here with him, this is exactly where I would want to be. He emerges from the bedroom and shrugs his shoulders. “I guess this is my home away from home.” His sigh is heavy, and I know that he’s just trying to make the best of the situation.

  I turn away and walk to the window to distract myself from the reality of this moment. This will be his home, and I’ll be in Colorado without him. I wipe the tear that sneaks out before responding to his statement.

  “Have fun.”

  CHAPTER 6

  I didn’t expect Ryan to pick the second place that he looked at, but then again, he’s pretty laid back. Had the first complex not looked scary, he may have chosen it on the spot. I guess it’s good that we got the hard part out of the way, because now we’ll be able to spend the rest of the weekend exploring the city and spending our last bits of time together. I’ve never been to California, so I am excited to see the beaches.

  There’s no way to treat this like a vacation or anything other than what it is. The relocation and the move are ever looming over our heads. Ryan checks us into the hotel and I remain uncharacteristically quiet as I follow him to the room. He swipes the room card in the door and holds it open for me to enter, and as I do, I toss my purse on the dresser. Before I can do anything else, he pulls me to him and catches me off guard with a passionate kiss that he plants on my lips.

  “What was that for?” I ask, touching my lips, eyeing him.

  “I know this is hard for you, but you’re here with me.” The look in his eyes is loving and I feel like I melt into him when he holds me.

  “Ryan is this weird?” I mumble into his chest. “We’re about to be married, but I’ve just helped you pick a home away from me. I feel like everything is changing and not for the better.”

  “Don’t think of it that way,” he starts as he pushes me back so he can look at my eyes. “Think of it as the temporary arrangement it is. You are my home; this is just the place where I’ll be staying. A place you will be visiting. Often. I hope.”

  Wrapping my arms around him, I try to push any negativity out and focus on Ryan. The man I love. “I’ll come out as often as I can.”

  I’m sure the reality of that statement isn’t lost on him. Working for one of the most well known event planners in town, with a growing clientele, is a dream. But it also keeps me quite busy. During the week I’m scheduling, consulting and monitoring events, and as of late, my weekends are filled with weddings and other corporate events. The chances that over the next few months I’ll be able to fly out on the weekends are slim to none, but I can’t say that to Ryan because he will assume I’m trying to be difficult.

  He grabs my luggage and lightly tosses it on the chair near the window before looking at me. “I’m gonna grab a shower, wanna join me?”

  I shake my head and smile. “I’m good, Lang called earlier so I need to call her back.”

  The way Ryan looks at me, I know he’s trying to figure out how he’s going to respond. “Alright then, I won’t be long.” He takes his shirt off and throws it at me and grins. “Tell her I said hi.”

  Once the water starts, I pull my phone from my purse to call Langley and of course she answers on the first ring. “Hey, sis. Nice of you to finally call me back.”

  “Did you forget that I’m in San Diego with Ryan for the weekend?”

  “Nope. That’s why I called. I knew you were probably moping and whining and being an overall bitch, so I wanted to snap you out of it. Was I right?”

  I am quiet for a moment before answering. I could lie, but my sister knows me better than anyone. “Yeah, you’re right,” I respond begrudgingly.

  “R
ight. So then, what are you gonna do about it?”

  “There’s nothing I can do, Lang. He’s moving out here. He already signed the lease for his new place and-”

  “That’s not what I mean, I know he’s moving. What I’m asking is, are you going to let this ruin your weekend and your time with Ryan? Speaking of, where is he, anyway?”

  “He’s taking a shower,” I acknowledge, hearing the shower still running.

  “And you’re on the phone with me, why?” I know what she’s getting at, but I try to ignore it.

  “I had to call you back,” I start to remind her, but she doesn’t let me finish my explanation.

  “Go. Now. Be with Ryan. And, Em,” I can tell I’m about to get a warning from my big sister and I smile when she doesn’t wait for me to answer. “Stop sulking, it ages you, and you don’t want me to look like the younger sister.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I smile a genuine smile. “I gotta go. Love you.”

  “Love you, too,” she answers and just like that, we’re disconnected.

  Our conversation was only a few minutes, and I can still hear Ryan in the shower, so I get up and head over to join him. Opening the door reveals my handsome fiancé. He’s standing in the bathroom in his boxer with that killer grin on his face. “Damn, girl! It took you long enough.”

  “How did you know I was coming in here?” I ask, puzzled. I want to snap at him for letting the water run, but this is about me and him, not another argument.

  He looks at me and shrugs his shoulders. “I didn’t. Just hoped.”

  It takes only a second to realize that he’s as unsure of all of this as I am. He doesn’t know how things are going to turn out, but he’s trying to make the best of it, and I need to meet him halfway. So I do.

  I start to remove my jeans and I feel his eyes gaze upon me while I make a show of doing it slow and exaggerated. I shimmy out of them, leaving my panties on before I start to remove my blouse. He looks like he’s trying to remain composed, standing only a short distance away. “I can help you with that,” he offers with a sexy, controlled tone.

  When I look up, Ryan is leaning against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. I walk toward him and smile. “I think I could use some help with the shirt.”

  He brushes his knuckles along the side my face and tucks my hair behind my ear before kissing me. He trails his kisses from my jaw to my ear and then whispers, “I have something planned. You up for it?”

  “What do you have in mind?” I ask, in a voice that sounds too needy to be mine. But Ryan, kissing me and holding me, is exactly what I want.

  “Right now? All I want is this,” he says before his lips land on mine once again. It has to be one of the most passionate and sexy kisses I have ever been on the receiving end of and it’s easy for me to get lost in.

  I don’t care that my shirt hasn’t been completely removed, or that my bra and panties are about to get drenched. All I know is that as Ryan backs us toward the shower door, I only want to be here, in his arms. I laugh as he drags us both under the running water and he resumes kissing me again, separating only to pull the shirt over my head. He brings my body close to his and I hold on to him for dear life.

  * * *

  My eyelids feel heavy, but I can tell from the light that seeps in through the curtains that it’s still daylight. Between the shower, and what happened after the shower, I could quite possibly sleep for days. Ryan rolls over and places his arm over my waist and squeezes me to his chest. I rest my hand over his and entwine our fingers, feeling that here in his arms is where I belong.

  He raises himself up and rests on his arm so he can look down at me. “You tired?”

  “Depends,” I start. “What do you have planned?”

  He leans down and kisses my nose. “I know you’ve never seen the beach, so I figured we could drive out to PB and maybe grab some dinner.”

  I can’t contain my smile; this is one perk to this little trip I’ve looked forward to. “What’s PB?” I ask, my smile fading in confusion.

  “Sorry, Pacific Beach,” he smiles. “I forget you’ve never been out here before. Why don’t I take you to see some of my favorite places out here?”

  “That sounds great,” I admit, turning to fully face him. “I really love you, you know that, right?”

  “I love you, too,” he says, between kisses, the final one becoming slow and sensual.

  * * *

  When we finally get out of bed Ryan, true to his word, takes me all over the city, showing me the beaches, malls, and military base. There is so much to take in, but I have to admit, I really do like it out here.

  We continue driving, and since I have no clue where I am, I figure we are heading to eat, but he slows the car in an old neighborhood. He parks on the side of the street and turns the car off to show me a small home where he spent countless summers. In the years that we’ve been together, he’s not returned to San Diego, and though I can see this is hard for him, he fits here.

  He used to tell me about the times he would come out here to visit his grandparents for a few weeks every year. Both of Ryan’s parents worked, and I guess he was a bit of a handful, so they would pawn him off on the retired pair. Only, they didn’t realize how much he loved it.

  When he was a kid, he said that they would take him to the zoo at least once each visit. However, as he got older, he would go to the beach and rent a surfboard and spend all day trying to learn to stay up on the board. His grandmother surprised him one year with his own surfboard, which he said was the best gift he’d ever gotten.

  “See that garage, right there?” he asks, pointing to a tiny shack in the back. “Grams had Pa clear his ‘junk’ out of it, as she called it, and said I could do whatever I wanted with it.”

  “So what did ya do?” I turned smiling at him.

  “Not much really,” he admits. “I tried to turn it into a bungalow because I had this idea that when I got out of high school, I’d come out here and just be a beach bum, living with them.”

  I look at my fiancé, loving there are still things about him I don’t know. “So what happened? Why didn’t you come out here?”

  “I did,” he responds. My jaw opens slightly to question, but he continues, “for the summer. I told Grams I wanted to move out here. I said I didn’t want to go to college, but she said that if I didn’t go, she would disown me.”

  “And, what? Just like that, she was able to convince you?” Ryan is very headstrong, and when he makes his mind up to do something, it’s hard to sway him.

  “Nah, we spent a lot of time going back and forth. Every time I had a reason to stay, she’d give me three to go.”

  “Such as?”

  “Grandpa didn’t go,” he offers with a grin. I figure that must have been his favorite thing to point out. “She would raise her eyebrows in that ‘don’t fuck with me’ way and start in on how times were different back then and he had a family to support.”

  “She sounds tough.” I smile, thinking of my own grandmother.

  “Yeah, she was. Eventually, she resorted to cheap blackmail telling me I would break her heart if I didn’t go.”

  “I’m glad she got to see you walk across the stage,” I remind him.

  “Me, too. She was really bad off by then. I was afraid the flight out would kill her, but she was determined to see it happen.” He looks like he’s in another world, thinking about her.

  “I wish I could have met her. She sounds a lot like my Gamee,” I say past the lump in my throat. Ryan was with me when I got word that she passed away last year. My heart broke because there was so much I wanted to tell her and never got the chance to. I shared everything with her and when I introduced her to Ryan, I told her that he was the one, even before he proposed.

  “She would have loved you.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder, both of us missing the women we held in such high esteem. “Did I ever tell you what she told me when she saw me after I graduated?”

  “I don’t
think so.”

  “She told me to go back and get my master’s. She said that I needed to have my life in order because I was going to meet someone who was going to turn my world upside down, in the best way. ‘She’s out there, Ryan, and hopefully, if you don’t find her, she’ll find you.’ Six months later, I met you.”

  I’m speechless. There are no words that I can say in response to that beautiful story. I have heard numerous tales about his grandparents, but I know that this is one that he has never shared with me.

  After she died, his mom and her sister moved his grandfather to a home near them in Charleston. When he died last year, I went with Ryan to the funeral, and he was devastated. He told me the best part of his grandfather died when she died, but moving him away from all that the two shared was harder on him than anything else.

  I think Ryan really believes that his grandpa died of a broken heart.

  CHAPTER 7

  It must be self-preservation, because I find myself doing anything and everything to make this transition easier. Trying to find the silver lining in any of this is hard, but maybe the time apart will push us to communicate with each other better. Maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder and we’ll defy the odds and make it through this next year stronger than ever. No matter what I tell myself, I know it’s going to hurt like hell when he’s gone. In four days, Ryan will be in California for the next year, and I will be here. Alone.

  My whole day has been shitty. Elle decided that since I won’t be in the office on Thursday or Friday, I need to come in early and stay late to make sure I’m ready for my meeting with Mr. Miller next Monday. I left this morning before Ryan woke up with a note that I would pick something up for dinner on my way home. After our weekend away, things have been less strained, so I’ve been looking forward to our time together. That is, until he texted around noon to say that he would be home late and not to worry about getting him dinner. Apparently his boss has some things they need to get together for a client that he’s turning over to someone else. Regardless, I’m annoyed, because I’m busting ass to get done so I can spend his last two days with him, but he’s making no concessions whatsoever. Part of me wants to tell Elle that I’ll be out all week, but deep down I know I’d never do that.