Mine to Lose

by T. K. Rapp

  She only has two bridesmaids and I begged her to let me wear my hair down. I was so grateful when she agreed, as long as I let her have it styled. When I look in the mirror and see my blonde locks curled and sprayed with so much stuff, I smile for my small victory. At this point, I’d be surprised if my hair moved at all.

  “They’re ready for you,” a friend announces to Lang before shutting the door. She asked Mom to give her away, a gesture we didn’t think she’d be capable of two months ago.

  She walks over to me and we hug tightly before Mom joins us, “I’m so proud of you girls.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I say easily. “Are you sure you’re up for giving her away?”

  “I’ll never give you away,” she whispers to us as our foreheads are pressed together. “Are you ready for this?” she asks Lang, who smiles like she’s won the prize.

  Neither of us can say anything and Mom nudges me forward so I can follow Lang’s friend. I look back to see the two of them, foreheads together and Mom touching Lang’s face. It’s a beautiful image that will be burned in my memory forever.

  My big sister has always been my biggest champion, and today, I’m hers. I know, in the brief time that I’ve been around Reid that he will be by her side and take care of her. I don’t think I’ve ever been as sure of something as I am of that.

  I step outside the doors of Aunt Gertie’s guest room and collect myself before proceeding down the stairs where the ceremony will take place.

  The door opens as I start to relax and Lang is looking at me. “Hey, I forgot to tell you, Ryan’s coming today.” And then she shuts the door before I can say anything in return. What am I supposed to do with that bit of knowledge?

  My eyes are closed and I inhale a deep, steadying breath, calming my growing nerves. The door clicks shut and my eyes open, thankful that I’m alone. I hear the commotion downstairs, but the conversations are muffled. I turn to the small mirror in the hallway to face my reflection and try to push myself to get through this day.

  I can’t believe this is about to happen. In a few minutes, I will walk down the aisle and watch Langley, who never wanted to get married, become Langley Donovan. My stomach turns in anticipation, excited for my sister and waiting for the cue to make my way down the stairs.

  As I walk down the steps, the living room is filled with the few family members we have, but mostly, it’s friends that Langley has accumulated over the years. A violin plays the music near the stop where they will exchange vows and I look around and spot both Ryan and Trey, but only one of them makes my heart skip a beat.

  A smile is plastered on my face as I take my place near where Lang will stand. Someone, who I can only assume is a friend of Reid, stands as his best man and smiles at one of the guests, who I assume is his date.

  Ryan’s eyes remain on me, I can feel them steady and affectionate, but I do my best to avoid them, as well as the gaze from Trey. The wedding march begins and I look at the center of the aisle to see Mom, escorting Langley, who can’t hide her smile, down the aisle. I think my cheeks will hurt in the morning, because I’m so happy at this moment in time, and I never want to let it go.

  Mom hands her over to Reid, and the two face the minister to exchange their vows. I can’t stop smiling at the two of them, and I silently curse myself for doubting that my sister found someone who fits her so easily. They begin exchanging vows and I hold the ring that Lang will place on Reid’s finger. Both of them barely look anywhere but at each other.

  I’m not a jealous person, but I have to admit I’m envious at how easily this comes to the both of them. Then again, I’m not aware of their journey or their struggle, so who am I to judge?

  My eyes wander and finally land on Ryan, despite my best efforts to avoid him.

  “Do you promise to honor, love and obey, for as long as you both shall live?” the minister asks Lang.

  “I do,” she answers. But my eyes never leave Ryan.

  “Reid, do you take Langley Jennifer Kane, to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love and protect, all the days of your life?” the minister finishes, looking up from his bible.

  “I do,” Reid responds dutifully.

  Langley takes the ring from me and places it on Reid’s finger, while he mimics the action. The two can’t keep their eyes off each other, their grins replacing any other emotion they’re experiencing.

  “By the power vested in me by the state of Utah, I pronounce you husband and wife,” he pauses and smiles. “You may now kiss the bride.”

  Applause and cheers fill the room and my hands join in, but all I can see is Ryan, who is beaming with pride for my sister. I swipe a tear away, as I look at Langley, who has never looked more beautiful.

  CHAPTER 29

  “Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Reid Donovan,” the DJ announces as they enter the tent outside. Their guests clap and cheer as they immediately start their first dance, staring into each other’s eyes, carrying a conversation only the two of them are aware of.

  I can’t help but think of the wedding that Ryan and I would have had and wonder if things would have gone as smoothly for us. Regardless of our fate, my sister has found her perfect match, and I smile on with the rest of her guests as she dances in the arms of her husband, my new brother-in-law.

  Trey is sitting at a table in the back corner when I finally walk over to greet him. The day has been a whirlwind, but he’s there for me, and it’s nice to see a familiar face.

  “You look beautiful,” he says with a smile as he stands up to kiss my cheek.

  “Thanks,” I answer with a wrinkle of my nose. “Coral isn’t my color.”

  “I didn’t know you didn’t have a color,” he offers as he pulls a chair out for me.

  “You’re biased,” I tease, shoving his shoulder. We sit, side by side, admiring my sister and her new husband while they dance their first dance. Every once in a while, he nudges his arm to mine, but we remain still for the most part.

  I don’t know what, if anything, I would have done differently if I knew that Ryan would be here. I’m not surprised; he’s been so close to my family since I introduced him years ago. It’s a little strange seeing him across the room, and every once in a while when our eyes meet, I feel like it’s just the two of us.

  The reception continues, but I feel sad and out of place. I don’t want to bring a damper on the festivities, so I slip out at the first opportunity and make use of one of Aunt Gertie’s rooms. It still has floral wallpaper and an antique vanity that most would consider a find, but to me, it’s just another piece of my childhood. I sit on the bed to collect my thoughts and have a moment to myself.

  “I thought I’d find you in here,” Mom declares as she shuts the door. “When you girls were little, this was your favorite room to hide in.”

  “Really?” I ask, not at all remembering.

  “Yep,” she nods and points to the closet. “I’d end up finding you in the closet asleep. You would get mad when I’d wake you up and you’d tell me this was your safe place. Nothing bad could get you in there.”

  I shake my head, unable to recall that memory, but I know in part it has to be true, because I feel that way right now. “Why aren’t you out there?”

  “I saw you walk off, and I wanted to make sure you’re okay,” she says, taking a seat on the bed next to me.

  “I’m okay. I didn’t know Ryan was going to be here, and I haven’t really had a chance to talk to him,” I admit, staring at my fingers.

  “What would you say to him if you had the chance?”

  I shrug my shoulders, because I’m not sure what I would say to him. “It’s Lang’s day. I’ll be fine.”

  Mom wraps her arms around me and holds me like she hasn’t done in years. I exhale and close my eyes, letting her do not only what she needs to do, but also what I’ve needed her to do. “It’s okay to let it be about you, too.” She kisses the top of my head and walks out of the room, leaving me to figure out what I�
�m going to do. But one thing is for sure, I need to get back downstairs before my sister starts to worry.

  Music fills the tent and I move my hips to the music rhythmically. I stop when I see Ryan and Trey, standing side by side, watching the guests dance, and they seem to be getting along. I don’t know whether to approach them or stay back and watch, but when they catch me looking at them, the choice is made for me. I plaster a bright smile on my face and walk to where the two men stand and both return my smile.

  “What’s up?” I ask, since I have nothing else to offer.

  “Not much,” Ryan says, nodding to Trey.

  “So you two know each other now?”

  “Well, we met once before,” Trey reminds me. I look over at him and narrow my eyes at his brazen approach to the situation, but shake it off with a grin. I know Trey now, and he’s not one to start trouble.

  “It’s good to see you, Ryan.” I confess with a smile. “I thought you said you weren’t going to make it.”

  “Yeah, well, you know Lang, she can be pretty persuasive,” he reminds me; guilt has always been her means of motivation. I look over to see my sister look away in a hurry and I realize I’m being set up.

  “I think Ryan was going to ask you to dance,” Trey says, looking directly into my eyes with a smile. He’s pushing me to engage Ryan in some way and it’s becoming clear this whole thing is a conspiracy.

  “Oh really?” I ask, looking at Ryan, who appears shocked by Trey’s revelation, but recovers well.

  “Yeah.” He furrows his brow when he looks at Trey, who just nods his head in consent. “If you’re up for it.”

  “Sure,” I respond, offering my hand as he leads me to the dance floor. I look over my shoulder at Trey who nods his head with a tight smile, pushing me to do what I’ve needed to do for a while.

  A familiar song plays as Ryan pulls me into his arms, but we keep a safe distance, which feels awkward. We move like teenagers being watched under a microscope, mostly because I know that I have at least three people watching every move I make. No matter what’s happened between us, I can’t fight it; Ryan’s arms are my home.

  He pulls my body closer to his, my head tucked safely under his chin. This is the one place where I have always known I belonged, until he said I didn’t.

  His hand grips my waist as we move to the music. I want to stay here forever, but everything has changed, and he has no idea how much. The longer I stay here with him; the innocence of our dance becomes less so, at least for me, because more than anything, I want to tell him everything. My arms are wrapped through his, holding him like it’s the last time I ever will, and it rips my heart out. Every time I’ve been near him, it feels like the last time, and I don’t think I can survive another last.

  If I turn my face up, just a fraction, my lips will be within touching distance of his. Two months ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to plant a kiss to those lips, and despite the pull telling me to do it, I can’t. Even when he drops his face closer to mine, the urge to make a move is hard to ignore. His left hand leaves its home on my waist and trails up to find my hand, and he pulls it to his chest and inhales so deep, it seems that it’s a release.

  My breathing is becoming rapid as I fight the forces that keep throwing us together. When I pull my head back to look at him, my forehead is near his when he whispers, “Don’t.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t, Em. Whatever you’re thinking right now, just let it go,” he whispers as he pulls me close to him again.

  “What are you trying to do to me?” I ask of him while we continue to move to the music. “You told me you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I need you to let me go.”

  “I never said that. I’ve never stopped wanting you,” he says before pulling me back to look at me.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, my eyes closed for fear that looking at him right now will destroy anything left of me. I take a deep breath. “I have to go.”

  “You can finish this song with me, Em.” His voice is almost a whisper, as he pleads for me to stay with him.

  “I really can’t.” My voice is desperate as I pull away.

  “Open your eyes; look at me,” he whispers directly into my ear.

  Calming my nerves, I finally open my eyes at look directly into his. Don’t do it, I tell myself. Don’t kiss him. This would be the time, under different circumstances, to kiss the lips of the man I have loved so much. I blink back whatever tears were there and search his face for reasons why. Loving him was never the problem.

  “Em,” he says staring down at me, “I love you; that has never stopped.”

  I pull myself from his arms and walk away, unable to respond for fear of word vomit. I walk toward Trey and shake my head as I reach him to grab my coat. “I need a minute.” I look at his concerned face and offer what I’m able. “I’ll be back.” He gives me a quick hug before I walk to the exit, but I’m stopped again.

  Langley is standing near the entrance, “What’s wrong? Where are you going?”

  “It’s too hard, Lang. I’m sorry, I need a few minutes alone.” I reach for her hand to reassure her. “I’ll be back, I promise.”

  CHAPTER 30

  I’m freezing out here, but I’d rather freeze alone than be warm and staring into Ryan’s oblivious eyes. Aunt Gertie’s property is huge, and any other night, I’d be scared to be out here alone, but the music and hundreds of people quell that. The property is lined with so many trees, I doubt she’s identified all of them, but just beyond the place where lights reach, one of my favorite places in the world waits for me.

  When I was a kid, this swing was my escape. Whether I was reading a book or hiding from my sister, the swing waited for me and was exactly what I was looking for. It provided the best view of the mountains in the distance, and the homestead where my mom and aunt grew up. Tonight, it offers a view of the darkness and a sky speckled with stars.

  I push on the seat to check its ability to hold me, but the swing is as sturdy as it was when I was kid. I sit down and push my toes into the ground until the swing is at an angle before lifting my feet, setting in motion a rhythmic back and forth. The small jacket I brought with me for the evening isn’t enough to keep the bone chilling cold away, but I’m not ready to go back yet.

  I hear the rustling of something behind me, and I know I should be scared, but I’m not.

  “You shouldn’t have come out here,” I say, keeping my gaze fixed on the nothing ahead.

  “You shouldn’t have walked off,” Ryan’s voice answers behind me. “Mind if I sit?”

  I don’t answer, instead scooting over to give him room. The swing stops its creaking noise when he sits, but resumes its song as we move our feet back and forth below. I’m a coward and I don’t know where to begin, so I keep quiet.

  “I asked Trey if you were okay, but he suggested that I find you. Told me that I don’t deserve you because I let you go,” he says, his voice giving nothing away. “What’s that about?”

  I scoff and shake my head. “No idea.” I’m shocked that Trey would say something like that, but then again, he’s full of surprises.

  We sit in silence for a few minutes before he speaks again. “Is it me? Should I leave?”

  “No,” I say, before I can stop myself. “It’s me.”

  “You used to be able to talk to me. But I guess that’s before I screwed everything up,” he says in defeat.

  “Ryan.” I close my eyes and realize now is the time. I never planned on telling him, but it’s not fair to let him wonder. “I have to tell you something.”

  He stops moving his feet, causing the swings rhythm to unbalance. “What is it?”

  “I’m so sorry,” I say, closing my eyes and bracing myself to share my heartache all over again.

  “What are you sorry about? You did nothing wrong. I should’ve never let you go. I just thought that our visits kept getting screwed up and when we saw each other last-”

  “Stop,” I say abruptly, tears wel
ling in my eyes. “Just stop.”

  “What’s going on?”

  I exhale a long breath and prepare myself to say the words I never wanted to share with him. I don’t know how he’s going to take it, but I need to say something. “I was pregnant.”

  “What?” he says, his intake of air ragged. “What do you mean?”

  “When I surprised you in San Diego, I was waiting in your apartment?” I wait for the pieces to come together before continuing. “I went back home to think, like you wanted, but then we broke up. Several weeks later, I realized I was pregnant, and I took a test to confirm. The night you called to tell me that Mom was in the hospital, I was on a date with Trey, and that night I told him. I knew that, no matter what, I was going to have our baby, I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “Em-” he sounds confused, but I don’t want him to speak until he hears everything.

  “Please, I have to get through this.” I wait before finishing the story. “When Scott showed up, I wasn’t even thinking, you know that; I reacted. It wasn’t until he kicked me in the stomach, I was clutching where he kicked and all of my thoughts were of our baby. Ryan,” I choke back a sob, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t protect our baby. When you came into the room, I had just found out and I was heartbroken.”

  He’s quiet next to me, and I wonder if he wants to be alone or maybe he hates me.

  I stand up to give him space and whisper again, “I’m sorry.” I walk away, my head lowered, mourning all over again.

  “Wait,” he calls after me as he gets to his feet. I stop, feet away from him. “How did you do it?”

  “What?” I ask, shocked by his accusatory tone.

  He clears his throat before speaking. “I mean, alone? How did you go through all of that alone?”

  “I wasn’t alone, Ryan. You didn’t know what was going on, but you were there with me, holding me and consoling me. Somehow being in your arms made the pain a little more bearable. You were with me, even when you weren’t. When I took the test and it was positive, I was shocked and scared; I didn’t know how you would take it, but I wanted that baby. It was a piece of us and I wanted it so bad.”