Fading to Light

by Sarah Cole

  I continue, “I’m Dr. Montgomery. You’ve been in an auto accident, and have been transported to University Medical Center. You’ve sustained severe injuries, but we are going to do everything we can to get you through this. Stay with me sweetheart.” She just looks at me as if she’s trying really hard to process everything I just told her.

  “We’re going to need to move you a bit to take a closer look at what we’ve got going on here. It’s going to hurt, but I can tell you’re tough.” I say to her, as I set up a drip with pain medicine.

  As I’m setting up to replace her chest tube with a more appropriate size, she finds and squeezes my hand again with surprising strength for her condition. “Thumper?” She croaks in a sweet, almost childlike voice. “Thumper?”

  “Thumper?” I ask, confused.

  She looks at me with fearful eyes. “Is she ok?”

  Thumper the rabbit from that Disney movie? Is Thumper a pet? I have zero idea what she is talking about, and begin to wonder if she’s going into shock because she isn’t making a lick of sense.

  “Please tell me she’s ok, my friend. She was in the car too… Oh God.” She sobs.

  “Shhh calm down. I’ll find her and make sure she’s being taken care of… I’ll make sure she’s alright. Try to stay calm now.” I rub her hand as I take her vitals and simultaneously assess the wounds we’re trying to stop from bleeding out. I normally don’t make those kinds of promises, but for whatever reason, I feel like I have to.

  “It’s my fault. I didn’t see it coming. I should’ve been paying more attention.” She croaks.

  “No, no… it was not your fault. Hear me? You were hit by a drunk driver. There wasn’t a thing you could’ve done to prepare for that. No blaming yourself.” My advice settles like a lead weight in my stomach.

  “Please just make sure she’s ok. Let her know I love her more than anything and she needs to be happy, and do what she wants to do, not our plan.”

  “Hey, you’ll tell her that yourself.”

  “No, I won’t. I can feel it… please…” she begs. “She’s everything, and she needs to believe it herself. Please just tell her I love her and she’ll be ok.”

  “Ok…” I say, my eyes briefly flickering to Dr. Mandari, who catches my eye and gestures for me to keep her talking to distract her from what they are about to do.

  “Thank you. You’re a good man…” She says as they begin extracting the debris from her neck.

  “I want to be…” I say.

  Her eyes go wide, and we move fast trying to stop the bleeding. The metal debris had been blocking the blood flow, plugging the cut to a major artery.

  Twelve minutes later, we shut off the monitor with the still line, and call, “Time of death, 11: 32 PM.”

  I tear the gloves and gown from my body and head out the door. Grabbing the chart from the wall file, I stare at it as I sink down the wall to the floor my head in my hands. I allow myself to cry for the first time in nearly ten years. I know this situation isn’t the same, and I don’t even know why it’s affecting me the way it is. I lose patients every day; she wasn’t the first and won’t be the last. I just felt connected somehow, and it’s the strangest feeling. In that moment…that moment... I knew that Abigail Aurora Mason forever altered my life. This one patient would force me to face the memories and guilt I’ve been burying for far too long. She was the one case that was going to stick with me forever. I couldn’t save her, but maybe, just maybe she would save me. She was a faint light at the end of my dark tunnel.

  Chapter 1

  FIVE MONTHS LATER…

  Charlie:

  The sound of twisting metal and screams assault me as I jolt upright, my heart pounding and my eyes wet with tears. Sweat clings to my chest, my head throbs and my legs and body ache, but this is the new normal. I slide out of bed and set my feet on the cold hardwood trying to shake off the lingering effects of the nightmare. It has been five months, and yet it’s the same dream every night. I can’t shake it. I try to push the sounds, smells and images out of my head. I can’t let them live there. I know I have to keep moving. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” as my Mom always says.

  Four A.M.… again. Strange isn’t it? Every night for the past five months I’ve woken up at the exact time my world got turned upside down? The hour when I woke to a sterile, white room with mine and Abby’s family around me telling me that she wouldn’t wake up again. Wouldn’t wake up to talk about terrible first dates or to laugh with me over jokes that are decades old… wouldn’t wake up to be there for the rest of our lives that we had planned out since we were little girls.

  I tiptoe across the floor trying to miss all the creaking boards, not wanting to wake Laney. Her lease was up a few months ago, and she moved in with me since Abby and I’s lease isn’t up for nearly a year. I couldn’t swing it alone even though we receive a huge rent discount, and I didn’t want to be alone here anyways. There are simply too many empty spaces that are now just filled with memories I wish I could forget.

  We live in a turn of the century building that used to be some kind of factory. All of the long wooden floor boards have been restored to a dark glossy color, and the high beamed ceilings and tall windows make our space seem bigger than it is. Everything was remodeled, but it still had a certain charm, subway tile, light cabinets, white trim, and light granite. Abby and I fell in love at first listing. While it aches deep inside being surrounded by Abby in so many ways, I still can’t leave this place, not yet.

  I pop in my earbuds and roll out my yoga mat hoping to stretch my sore, tired muscles, and calm my nerves. I am finally finished with my physical therapy sessions, but I keep pushing my body harder and farther. More so than I probably should be considering the injuries I sustained, but the physical burn takes away from the ache in my chest. Keep moving is my new mantra, because if I stop, the real pain catches up to me. Only at night, in the dark, when I’m unguarded does it creep back in to haunt me.

  I let my mind carry me away, lost in the heavy metal polyrhythms and harmonies blasting in my ears. Somehow it calms my raw nerves. I exhale in Savasana, and then stand up to roll my mat and head to my in suite bathroom for a quick shower. I take a long hard look in the mirror, wondering how I even recognize myself anymore. I look the same as always besides the still pink scar and my hairline, and neck. Long, wavy, dark hair woven with caramel highlights, courtesy of Laney. Tanned skin, bright green eyes, straight, white teeth and a slightly upturned nose. The other scars I wear are more easily concealed, or so I think. I flip on the shower and step inside letting the hot water wash over me rinsing off the sweat from my workout, wishing for a second that it would wash away this jaded person I fear I’m becoming. If only I could disappear down this drain…

  “Charlie!!!” someone says, no shouts, as I groan and snuggle deeper under my fluffy white duvet.

  “Charlie, oh my God. Get up NOW!” Laney yells at me laying on top of me pinching my ass.

  I squirm to try and get away, “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “What time is it?” I mumble from underneath the covers, trying to block out her face.

  “Eight fifteen. We need to meet your sister at the airport in an hour.” Laney reminds me.

  “Oh shit balls on fire!” I screech as I toss her back with my covers. She laughs.

  “Why didn’t you say anything? I must have fallen back asleep after my shower.” I say as I hurry around grabbing the outfit I set out the night before.

  “Well you usually get ready in like twenty minutes, and I figured you needed the beauty sleep so I waited.” She shrugged.

  “Nice, thank you.” I quip.

  “Shut up. You’re stunning and you know it.” she replies.

  “Mmmhmm.” I say, unconvinced. She starts rattling on about our itinerary. She practically has our whole vacation mapped out for us. No relaxing on Laney’s watch. Unless its scheduled, of course. She’s the epitome of a #girlboss for sure.

  “Coffee! Bring m
e strong coffee. Then you can continue to tell me what I’m doing for the next eight days straight.” My tone serious.

  “Fine,” she huffs turning from the room wearing a pair of short black trouser shorts, and a black and white striped long sleeved tee that she most definitely swiped from my closet. “but you are stuck sitting next to me for the next seven hours, so we’ll have plenty of time.”

  I throw on my laid out attire, a worn in Iron Maiden tour t-shirt, short black leather shorts, a black blazer and a pair of heels. I decide that I truly do not care that much to impress airline personnel, so I sweep my bedhead up into a messy top knot, apply some bronzer, highlighter, a bit of mascara and a matte red lip.

  “Done!” I call out to Laney. “Where’s my coffee? If you want me to function, I need it.”

  Laney hands me my black coffee in a stylish to go mug, eyeing my outfit. “Where’s the rock concert? It wasn’t on my itinerary.” She says with a smirk.

  I roll my eyes. “Yeah, Yeah, laugh it up, smartass. I just like to change up my styles, and I know I won’t be able to wear this kind of stuff very often once I start my job at Harper & Logan.”

  Harper & Logan is a well-respected law firm downtown, near the board of trade, where Abby and I both had received offers upon passing our bar exams. We had a plan to start there, then eventually branch out and start our own firm together.

  “Charlie,” Laney says giving me a sad smile, “you know that you don’t have to start work there if you don’t want to. There are other firms that would snatch you up in a heartbeat, or you could always do something with music. Plans and people change.”

  Don’t I know it. “Yeah, I know. I suppose I just feel kind of obligated. I mean, I accepted it a few months ago before everything happened. It is ridiculously well paying and the benefits are perfect.”

  “Hun, you don’t start a job out of obligation. You start it because it is something you want to do. Especially when you are young, talented and have your whole life to mold into what you want it to be.” Laney says, giving my shoulder a shake. “Now what’s the real problem?”

  “I’m scared. No scratch that guilt riddled.” I look away, fidgeting with my large gold watch and stacked bracelets.

  “Why are is that?”

  I hesitate. “Because, I don’t want to deviate from our plan. I feel like I owe it to Abby to do this since she doesn’t get to.” My eyes start to fill with unshed tears. Oh shit, here come the water works.

  “On the other hand, I’m selfish and I am not even sure it’s what I want to really do anymore. I feel like I’m a different person than I was a few months ago. I’m afraid that if I commit to this, I will feel trapped and I won’t be happy.”

  “Charlotte Lynn Adams.” Laney says sternly, using my full name. “You feel like you are a different person, because you are in so many ways. It is ok to have dreams of your own. I know you miss Abby, and I do too. We will forever, but she wouldn’t want you to follow through just because it was a plan and not what you truly wanted to do. What do you think she would say if she was here?”

  “She would call us bitches. Then she’d say, ‘Get your whiney asses up, and get moving before we miss our flight?” I say with a hopeful smile, wiping the tears from my eyes. Topic avoided for now.

  “Damn straight!” Laney says laughing.

  Just then, my phone alerts me to an incoming call from Kate, my bombshell older sister. Kate is tall and thin with Victoria’s Secret catalogue worthy looks. I kind of hate her for it, but at the same time, I love her more than life.

  “What up Tits McGee.” I say, into the phone. My sister was blessed in the chest, and she gives me shit non-stop about how I am the opposite. So I figured a healthy dose of “in yo face” works now and again to keep us even.

  “You’re so stupid, Charlie.” Kate laughs into the phone.

  “No really, what’s up?”

  “Nothing. Just wanted to confirm we were still meeting at nine fifteen? Alec, was going to drop me off, but he needed to give his boss a heads up of when he’d be in.”

  “Yes ma’am, nine fifteen. We are just headed out the door now, so we will see you in about a half hour, mmkay?”

  “Yep, love you.” She says.

  “Love you more, Kit Kat.”

  We hang up and gather our bags to head out and hail a taxi for the airport. Of course Laney has three large bags to my one and carry on. No doubt one is filled with makeup and hair products. She’s an addict. She most definitely has a problem. Are there support groups for people like her? The taxi pulls up, and I’m pretty sure he’s considering making a run for it when he sees Laney’s bags knowing he has to help load them. Poor guy looks like he’s going pop a blood vessel in his forehead.

  Eight hours later, and I’m in paradise. Well if paradise consisted of white sand, turquoise waters and an all-inclusive, five-star resort, then yeah, I’m in paradise. After checking in, we let ourselves into the large two-bedroom suite. The room is pretty much all white everything; white fluffy beds, white couches, white walls, but instead of feeling stark, it feels serene. The beautiful water views are framed by the windows, making the view the focus of the room.

  “Naptime!” Kate calls flinging open the double doors to our balcony, letting the fresh salty air in. I breathe deep as it mingles with the spa like smell of our room, creating a sleepy aromatherapy cocktail.

  “Couldn’t agree more.” I say face planting into the luxurious white bedding that smells like a heady combination of lavender, cedar and vanilla.

  “You two are too much alike.” Laney states shaking her head, “I can’t argue though, a nap sounds like heaven. I made a reservation at eight for us at Fusion. It’s the restaurant down on the beach. That gives us enough time to nap and still get ready.”

  We must all pass out immediately. It feels like I just barely closed my eyes, when two hours later our room phone rings with our courtesy wakeup call Kate set. Apparently Laney thought it was a fantastic nap too. I’m surprised she didn’t drown in a puddle of her own drool, but not five seconds later she’s bouncing around yanking dresses off hangers, shoes out of bags, and plugging in enough hair styling tools to crimp, curl, and straighten a Southern beauty pageant.

  “I picked out your outfit for you Charlie! It’s over on the love-seat. Wear it with the nude Louboutin’s.” Laney calls out enthusiastically from the bathroom where she’s arranging Kates hair into an intricately braided updo.

  “I’m not allowed to pick out my own clothes anymore?” I put the finishing touches on my makeup. I went for a simple look. Bronzed, highlighted cheeks with a deep brown smoky eye.

  “Don’t get me wrong Charles, you have stellar taste, but at least eighty percent of your wardrobe is either black or some shade of white or gray. I took the liberty of packing some of your more exciting pieces in my bag. We’re going to mix and match, and when we get home, we are going to go shopping.”

  “Of course we are, and you know I hate when you call me Charles.” I grumble walking over to see what she has deemed “exciting.”

  She has picked out a bright pink spaghetti strap dress with cutouts on the front and sides, and an exposed gold zipper up the back.

  “Laney… it looks like a first grader took scissors and used the front for arts and crafts! Will it cover my scars? It’s a family place.” I joke trying to make light of it, and I know it is pretty vain of me to be concerned about a few scars, but they are so fresh and people are naturally curious. I really don’t like having conversations about it when all I’m trying to do is forget.

  “Trust me, it’s what I do. Just put the damn dress on.”

  I turn around so I’m facing the wall, so I can shimmy into the dress. Clearly it was not made for any kind of bra. Doing what I assume looks like some kind of lunatic dance I manage to get the zipper up and turn around. Kate’s jaw drops. Oh god, is it that terrible? I knew it.

  “What Kate? Why does your face look like that? I ask defensively.

  “Wh
at? No, nothing, that’s just my face. The dress is great, it’s just different for you. It’s good. It isn’t a neutral color.” She says, finally cracking a smile.

  “Charlie, that dress was freaking made for you.” Laney chimes in, spraying Kates head with what is probably a pound of hairspray.

  “Go, look.” She nods her head towards the closet.

  I walk over to the full length mirror. Holy shit.

  “Well?” Laney asks.

  “I actually really like it. Not my usual, but it’s good. And look, it actually nearly reaches my knees! Thank you Jesus, I won’t have to worry all night that my undies are showing.” I say turning around to view the back.

  “Really? Your undies? Ok Grandma, you shouldn’t even be wearing undies with a dress that tight.” Kate says laughing. “Let’s get going, or we’re going to miss the early bird special.”

  I punch her in the boob.

  “Unnecessary.” She says smacking me back and winding up for another punch. “I wonder if they give senior discounts here?” she asks me, laughing.

  “I wouldn’t know. You’re the old married one with the saggy boobs.”

  “Ladies…” Laney cuts in separating us. “Jesus, how did your mother tolerate you? Thank God I was an only child.”

  “Yeah only because they had you and realized they didn’t want to risk having another hellion.” I say.

  “You can’t beat perfection, so why try?” she says smoothing her hair and checking her lipstick in the mirror.

  The restaurant is packed due to some sort of party, so we are seated at a table on the patio which is right on the beach. It’s a perfect night. The setting sun has faded to pink meeting with purple, and the brightest stars are just beginning to twinkle. The air is fresh with the saltiness of the sea, and the fragrant tropical flowers that are growing nearby. Water is lazily lapping at the shore where the tide is slowly making its way in. It’s such a sharp contrast to city life at home, that it almost helps me forget. Almost.