God! I didn’t need any more reminders of that. I could hardly keep my eyes off her lips now. “That was a mistake.”
She bit her lips as if she knew what I was thinking. “Mistake as in you stumbled and fell on my lips? And then we sucked face?”
“Mistake as in, it can never happen again.”
“Why not? Are you afraid you liked it too much?” She smiled.
I was afraid I already liked it so much that I wanted to carry her off, shove her against a wall, and tear into her lips. Breathing through my nostrils, I said, “Katie’s waiting.”
Do not engage. Do. Not. Engage.
As we neared the lake, the dryness scraped my throat. I missed drinking with a vengeance.
We were the only people insane enough to go on a boat-ride on a day like this. The temperature was in the high eighties and as usual, sunrays arrowed down on us, piercing holes in the air. I stepped on the boat first and helped Katie get situated. Then came Madison. The boat rocked as she put her feet on, and her hands flung out, grabbing my arm to steady herself. I shifted and got too close to her, closer than was necessary in my opinion, but my feet did not know when to quit. Her small body fit perfectly against mine, her forehead reaching my chest. I caught a waft of her citrusy smell mixed in with her shampoo. It grew fangs and lodged itself in my chest, never to leave again.
“Oops. I’m sorry,” she whispered, her brown eyes wide and twinkling with mischief.
I moved away from her, irritated, and took a seat next to Katie. Madison sat opposite to me, and we took off. Katie talked with Madison, but I opted to stay quiet and look at the water. I clasped my hand between my knees and focused on avoiding her. But her voice, her chuckles would not leave me alone. With the corner of my eyes, I saw her hair flutter, entwining and tangling with itself in the air.
Famished. Insatiable. Mad. That was what I felt when I was around her. Even now when I knew Nat could see me, I could not stop thinking about Madison. I must appear disfigured to Nat through the lens of water.
A few minutes into the ride, I felt a feather touch on my ankle. It was Madison’s sneakered foot tracing against my cotton pants. I didn’t think it was innocent. Madison was paying attention to Katie, but she was touching me deliberately. It shouldn’t have been erotic, but it was. I moved my leg away and tuned into their conversation.
“So Lily had a baby girl today. Lindsey,” Madison said softly.
Despite everything, I felt relief. We stared at each other in silent communication. She was really worried about Lily. To be honest, I didn’t think she was capable of something like that. It was a happy surprise.
“That’s great. So that means she’s fine,” I said after a while.
“I guess. I haven’t seen her, not yet.” She averted her eyes.
Katie chimed in. “Oh, you mean a little baby?”
“Yup,” Madison replied.
“Daddy, I want a little baby, too.” Katie looked up at me.
“I think you’re a bit…little for a little baby.”
“No, I’m not.” Katie frowned, affronted. “I’m five. I can handle a baby. I wanna be a mommy, and I want my baby to look like me.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or be horrified. Was it already the time to talk about birds and bees and pollination?
“Oh yeah?” Madison laughed, her hair rippling in the air. “Who’s gonna be the daddy? What if your baby looks like him?”
“No. I don’t care about the daddy. I want the baby to look like me. No wait!” Then she chewed on her lips, thinking. “I want her to look like Mommy. Yellow hair and blue eyes. She’s so pretty.”
The muscles on my shoulders spasmed and pressed down with the guilt.
Madison threw me a glance before focusing on Katie. “Really? Prettier than Ranzal?”
“The prettiest.”
My throat swelled with a trapped scream. Stop it. Don’t talk about her. Nat was not Madison’s business.
Katie asked Madison who did she look like. Madison tensed where she sat with her hands in her lap. The tendons of her wrists jutted as she clenched her fists and hitched her shoulders, pressing her arms to her sides. Her pale face from last night flashed before my eyes. It had looked almost silvery white—the color of the tarnished moon—when she told me about her mother.
She was an abandoned child like me. I wished I were normal enough to give her a hug, kiss her forehead, absorb her unhappiness. But I was not. The only way I knew how to fix it was to tell her the invaluable secret about pain. Embrace it, make it your own. That was the only way to survive. I knew she could understand. She needed it, too.
“I look like my mother. Exactly like her. She was pretty, too. Very beautiful. Everyone loved her.”
“Where’s your mommy now? Do you live with her?” asked Katie.
Madison worked her jaw back and forth. “No. She’s…dead. She died four years ago.”
Katie gasped. “Miss Robins told us in class that if someone dies, that means you can never see them again. They go to live in the sky. Is it true?” I heard Katie’s distress, and panic exploded in my gut.
Madison nodded. “Yeah. It is.”
“I asked her if we’re really good, then would they come visit us. She said no, and then Mary Ann in our class started crying because her grandma died. Is that true, too?” Katie inched closer to me, her contracting body seeking the strength of mine.
Madison nodded again.
“Did you cry, too, for your Mommy?” Katie’s voice shrank as her small fists gripped my shirt, struggling to get closer to me.
Madison stared at me. Panic climbed and clawed at my chest. I felt light-headed, untethered. Was this the end? Would Madison tell her now? I should stand on my feet and put an end to this. Snatch Katie and hide her away somewhere. She was too innocent for this.
Madison looked at Katie, and her lips stretched in a slow smile. “You know what, Katie? You don’t have to think about it. Death’s something that’s too far away right now.” She turned to me and arched her eyebrows. Her eyes looked steely, unflinching. “Isn’t that right, James? Isn’t death too far away? There’s no reason for Katie to even think about these things, right?”
****
As soon as the boat ride ended, I carried Katie to the cottage. She was clinging to my neck, her eyes closed.
“Daddy…” she whispered, sleepily. “I don’t want my mommy to die.”
Breath wheezed out of me at her confession. Still walking, I caressed her back with trembling arms, and all I could say was, “Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
Inside the cottage, I deposited Katie on the bed.
I heard the front door open and charged out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind me.
“Is she okay?” Madison asked, her eyes shifting to the bedroom door. “I…I didn’t mean to do that. I…”
I did not stop walking until I got close to her, causing her to tilt her neck up in order to look at me. Perversely, it was satisfying that she was tiny compared to me. I could overpower her any time I wanted. Tiny and so maddeningly beautiful. My anger swelled to the point of exploding. “What the hell were you thinking back there?”
Her eyes flickered with defiance. “About you. I could’ve told her, but I didn’t. So you should be a little more nice to me.”
“Is everything a joke to you? You scared her. You scared my daughter just so you could get back at me. What the hell is wrong with you?”
For a moment, I thought I saw regret flash through her eyes. But it was replaced by her usual defiance. “I didn’t scare her. I scared you. You’re the one who’s scared. Because you know what you’re doing is wrong. Every day you drown in your guilt. You curse at yourself. You hurt yourself because it’s getting harder to justify your actions. Every day you think she’ll find out, and then you’ll have to deal with the aftermath. So I didn’t scare her. I scared you.”
If someone looked in from the outside, they would assume we were two people on the verge of a kiss. Nothing could be furth
er from the truth. I pulsed with an eerie current, opening and closing my fist, trying to control this thrum that I felt but to no avail. It was slowly taking over, and my eyes went to Madison’s neck. My arm shot forward, and I wrapped my fingers around it. The flesh was malleable, soft, delicate. I squeezed and felt for the sleek bones underneath.
Madison gasped. Her eyes widened, reflecting fear, making me groan with satisfaction. I squeezed even more, and her lips parted. Her citrus-like smell was stronger now as she breathed. Her tongue peeked out from her open mouth, tempting me to bite on it. I leaned closer, tilting her neck back with my hands, feeling her swallow beneath my fingers.
“You push me and push me and push me. Every single moment with you is a battle.” Unable to fight anymore, I ran the tip of my nose along her soft, velvety cheek. Her breath hitched. “I’m not your punching bag, Madison. My life isn’t for you to dissect and play with. I’m not what you’re looking for. I’m not going to cave in and hurt you. I’m not…a sadist.”
My fingers squeezed her neck even more, completely in discord with my words. Why was I so sick? A monster. Sick. Sick. Sick.
Madison’s breathing became harsh. She panted, fisting her hands on my shirt, jerking me even closer. My hold on her loosened, but I did not let go. She glared at me, but her lips were hitched up at the edges. She looked alluring—burning and seductive.
“Let it take over,” Madison whispered, repeating my words from yesterday. “Let it own you, James. You can’t stop it. You can’t stop yourself from being who you are.”
“I’m not this person.”
“You are. You so are, James.”
I clenched my teeth as desire stabbed into my gut.
“Shh…it’s okay,” she cooed. “You won’t be doing anything to me that hasn’t been done before.”
I stilled, confused. Her words jarred me into some semblance of rationality. What was she talking about? She didn’t let me think it over.
“Hurt me. You know you want to.” Her words, dampened by her breath, misted over my lips, and I forgot everything else.
Madison’s fingers tangled in my hair, and she jerked my face down, smashing her lips against mine. My hand slipped from her neck and wrapped around her waist. There was no stopping us—stopping me—after that. I bit into her again, as if she were my forbidden fruit, drinking her moans and lapping my tongue inside her mouth.
She moved her lips over mine, dragged them up and down, side to side, painting her taste on my skin. I plunged my tongue inside her mouth like a blunt knife. She bit it, making me jerk. I pinched the roll of flesh on her waist through her shirt. She raked her nails on the side of my neck. My hands went under her shirt, touching her bare skin, and this time she twitched. Her skin felt hot, smooth, damp with sweat. It burned my hand. My scabbed fingers dug into her flesh, trying to poke holes. Simply touching her like this was not enough. I wanted to touch something else, something more vital. Maybe even her soul. Her hands did the same, touching, scratching my bare skin. She injected her heat into me, and suddenly, I wanted to tear off every piece of clothing we had on.
Somehow, we made it to the kitchen. I hardly remembered who instigated the move, but one moment we were in the living room and the next I felt my back crashing into something hard. I grunted, and we broke apart. My back was against the kitchen counter, facing the window. The lake shimmered in the distance, threatening to break this haze. I growled, irritated, not wanting this to end so soon.
My attention shifted when Madison wiggled in my grasp. My arms were still around her bare waist in a tight grip. She squirmed again, rubbing her core to my protruding erection, and I flinched, tightening my hold for a moment before letting her go.
Madison’s soft body slid down, touching the hard inches of me, slowly, deliberately. She went down to her knees, still looking deeply into my eyes. My chest heaved as I read her intentions in her brown gaze. Heat had sucked all the air and thought from the room. Shaking, I gripped the counter as she rubbed her hands over the crotch of my jeans. Every muscle in my body tightened, boarded up against the onslaught of desire. I could not look away from her—her wild hair and small hands, rubbing my cock.
In her hastiness, she fumbled with button and zipper but managed to open them and slide my jeans down. My erection strained against my black boxers. With one final glance at me, she slid them down, too, and my cock sprung up, hard and angry. Hunger scraped inside my stomach. I wanted her to put her lips on it. I had never wanted anything more in my life. Nothing mattered to me more than this moment, nothing more than Madison.
She leaned and licked at the engorged head. I bared my teeth, hissing against the powerful pain firing in my body. She licked me again, and I bit my lips, grunting. She took the tip of my cock in her mouth and smiled around it, looking directly at me, daring me to stop her. Anger burned through my arousal.
She released the tip with a pop. “Game on.”
My hips thrust toward her at her words, and she captured the head of my cock in her mouth, squeezing my balls with her small hands. I could barely restrain myself from reaching out and fisting her hair. I would not, however. I would not touch her more than necessary. She rolled her tongue around my cock, and I contented myself by thrusting my hips again. Her mouth hollowed out as she took more of me, and I thought I was going to come right that second.
I growled as she raked her nails over my balls and lodged my erection deeper in her mouth, almost to her throat. I lost my breath at the snug feeling. She coughed it out, the saliva dangling in ropes between her lips and my cock. Shit. I had never seen anything so arousing in my life. She didn’t give me time to even move an inch before she put my cock back in, taking it deeper, again and again. I was going to die. I knew it. My hips thrust uncontrollably with abandon.
She stopped sucking as I used her mouth, choking her repeatedly, making her moan. In the back of my mind, I knew what I was doing must be hurting her, but I could hardly stop. With one final thrust, I exploded with a deep, shattering growl, my cum filling her mouth. My muscles stretched tight as my cock twitched inside her mouth. I felt her gulping my thick cream, closing in around my sensitive rod, making it thrum with residual arousal. I rolled my hips to ride it out, groaning before a thick layer of drowsiness draped over my exhausted, almost emptied body.
I tried to gather myself, and my eyes fell on the lake. I did not recognize it anymore, feeling high, carefree, the world seeming strange. Leaning against me, she came to her feet and gave me her weight. She was the only one I recognized right now. Her wet lips, rounded cheeks, and loose hair, her smell mixed in with musk. Arousal hit me again, and I gritted my teeth.
She bit her lips, and the muscles in my stomach flexed at the seductive move. “You’re right. Every moment with us is a battle. A war. And I’m going to win this war, James. You’re going to lose,” she whispered against my lips before licking them.
She tasted like me, bitter and acrimonious. The drowsiness and arousal died a swift death. I was awake now. What the hell had I done? Katie was sleeping in the next room, and I was here, getting myself a blowjob in front of the lake. In front of my Nat.
In Madison, I saw my disgusting self reflected back. She had my essence inside her now. She smelled like me, tasted like me. I wanted her gone, out of my sight.
“And I told you that I’m not what you’re looking for. I’ll never give in.” I straightened, jerking my pants up. “Get out.”
Madison drew back as if I had slapped her. What else had she expected? She almost splintered my world.
“Get the hell out.”
I wanted no part of her games. I wanted no part of her. Or of this…whatever this was.
I walked away from her on shaking legs and entered the bedroom. Katie was still asleep, covered under the sheets. I had to touch her, hug her to my chest, and fall asleep for once. Sliding inside the covers, I spooned her. Her baby smell screamed innocence, knifing my stomach.
“I’m sorry,” I told her. It was all I ev
er did. I buried my face close to her and closed my eyes, exhausted. The weight of my bones threatened to sink me down the mattress, but I held on to Katie to keep myself from drowning.
As I fell asleep, I heard Madison’s voice in my head. You won’t be doing something to me that hasn’t been done before.
Chapter Eleven
Madison
Get out.
In shock, I walked out of James’ cottage for the second time that week. And for the second time that week, I couldn’t see the world around me. All I felt was a thick throbbing between my legs and his salty taste in my mouth.
I wanted him so bad. So. Bad.
I was such an idiot.
How did that angry encounter turn into a fucking blow job? What on earth made me think that was a good idea? When it came to James, all my reasons burnt to ashes, insignificant and weightless.
And when it came to him, I turned into something I hated. Why would I involve Katie in this game? James was right. Fuck him, but he was right. She was innocent, a child. I never thought I’d sink so low.
All my thoughts came to a jarring halt as I bumped into someone. Julia.
“Whoops, hey,” she said, steadying me with her hands on my shoulders. “You okay? You look kind of out of it.”
Looking around, I found I was in front of the reception house, and I had no recollection of even walking in this direction. I swallowed—wrong move—because James came alive in my mouth.
“I’m sorry. I…I didn’t see where I was going.”
Shameful. That was what I was feeling right now. It was novel. My skin felt flushed, tight, like I’d burst out of it.
Last night, after we got back from the get-together and our outdoor adventure, we had made slow love. I insisted on it. I kissed her softly, almost like saying sorry without words. I made her come with my mouth, my fingers, until she couldn’t take it anymore. And then she did the same.
As I looked at her now, I realized something was changing between us. Something crucial. Or maybe only I was changing. Something was happening to me, making me feel so much more.
A War Like Ours Page 14
