But fuck if I knew what that was.
Julia tucked my hair behind my ears. “That’s fine. What’s going on, though?”
My gaze slid from hers, and through the glass doors, I noticed the new receptionist. It hit me then. That Lily was still in the hospital, and I…missed her. I’d been so afraid to go check up on her, and in this moment, the urge to see her turned visceral. I wanted to touch her and see that she was okay, alive. That Josh hadn’t taken her away from me.
“Madison?” Julia murmured.
“I…I was thinking of going to the hospital to see Lily,” I told her.
“Okay. Fine. Do you want me to come with?” She kissed my forehead, but her eyes were wary.
“No. It’s fine. I can go by myself. I’ll just take a cab.” Clearing my throat, I gave her a tight smile.
“All right. Have fun then.”
Julia shifted slightly as if to kiss my lips, but I was faster. I bent down and kissed her on the cheek. I couldn’t kiss her on the lips with the same mouth that I’d sucked off James with. With one last look at her, I left.
****
Thirty minutes later, I was standing at the threshold of Lily’s hospital room. Her door was open, and she held something tiny in her arms. Her baby girl. I hesitated, terrified to intrude on something so intimate but wanting to go in just as much. I was struck with a sudden, vivid flash of a baby who looked like my mother, like me. Who was dead now. Tears formed in my eyes, but I blinked them away and knocked at the door.
Lily looked at me with surprise, but then she arched her eyebrows. “I was wondering when you’d show up. Come on in.”
My feet trembled with every step, dragging on the floor. Something had wrapped itself around my legs, making it difficult to walk. I neared the bed but didn’t get too close, not wanting to look at her baby and see my dead sister’s face. “How are you?”
She shrugged. “Exhausted. But what’d you expect after pushing a human being out of your vagina for the better part of last night.” She kissed the forehead of the baby, who hiccupped. It was a chore not to look at that tiny thing.
“But your due date was next month.”
“The doctors said stress triggered my labor.” She sighed. “And I had low iron so I passed out.”
Stress. What a nice way to say I have a shitty, fist-friendly husband who almost killed me. Why the fuck didn’t I get a few more punches in last time? I got busy with gloating at one. Live and learn, right? I’d bash his head in the next time.
“On the other hand, you look like shit. What happened to you?” she asked.
I took a seat at the edge of the bed next to her legs. “Nothing. I’m fine.”
“I don’t think so. Something happened. You’re not your usual self. You asked me how I was doing.”
“So?”
“So it means you’re being nice instead of being…Madison. And we all know what it’s a synonym for. Bitchy.”
I smiled. “Like Lily’s the synonym for smartass?”
“Exactly. So what happened?” she asked, rocking the baby.
Too many things. It was hard to believe it was only yesterday that Lily had fainted, throwing me into a spiral of dreadful memories. But instead of answering her question, I asked one of my own. “Where’s Josh?”
“I don’t know,” Lily confessed. “But I haven’t seen him since his arrest. He wasn’t at the house when I went over.”
“Do you love him, still?”
She averted her eyes, looking ashamed. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and my anxiety spiked. Say no. Just say no. Say fucking no. But for the first time, I realized how hard it could be to say no. How really fucking hard.
“I don’t think it matters anymore.”
Her ragged whisper triggered the words out of my mouth. “For years, I tried to save my mom from her numerous boyfriends, and then she got married. I thought Scott was different, and he was for a little while. But he was a man, right? How different can they be? He cheated on her, hit her, but she always went back to him. She’d say she loved him and he loved her, too. It was just that his temper sometimes got the better of him. Then one day, they fought so hard that she ended up dead. She was seven months pregnant.”
“I…I didn’t know…” Her lips were trembling. She clutched Lindsey tight to her chest and took a shuddering breath. “I’m sorry. About your mom and for scaring you last night.”
“Love hurts, Lily. It’s selfish.” I struggled to string words together. “You can’t…well, I can’t tell you what to do, but—”
“This morning when I came to, I couldn’t find Lindsey. I thought she was dead,” Lily whispered, looking down at her. “For a second I couldn’t remember anything. I knew I was in pain and then nothing. It was a big, fat blank, and I thought…something happened to her. I was going out of my mind when this nurse walked in and told me I’d passed out after giving birth. I was supposedly too weak to even keep my eyes open. I’d lost a lot of blood and all that. She took me to see Lindsey. She was in the ward with other babies.” She took a trembling breath. “I’d never been that afraid in my life, and trust me, I’ve gone through some scary shit.” She chuckled harshly but then sobered just as fast. “I knew then that I had to leave him. I’m gonna leave Josh. I can’t be with him anymore. I can’t pass out again and leave Lindsey at his mercy. She’s too…precious.” She kissed her baby on the forehead, causing her to wiggle in her hold.
“Where will you go?”
Lily shrugged. “No idea. My parents’, maybe. They live a few towns over. I can go to them and look for a job, file for divorce, you know, get on with the happy times.”
We both snorted at her last comment. A sort of ease took me over, orbiting inside my chest, pushing the dread and frustration away.
This was new territory for me. I tried to imagine what our lives would’ve turned out to be if Mom had left Scott the first time he hit her. Maybe Lily and Lindsey could have what we never had—each other. “Are you scared?”
She nodded slightly. “A little bit.” Her eyes turned glassy. “Well, more than a little bit, I think. I’m terrified.”
As if sensing her mom’s discomfort, Lindsey let out a wail, her small, red fists punching the air. Lily clutched her to her chest and rocked back and forth. I wished I could see that little girl, hold her even, look into her face just once. The need hammered at my chest.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.” I surprised myself as I added, “I was…kind of freaking out. I’m sorry you had to do this alone.”
She smiled. “It’s okay. I’m sorry for freaking you out.” Then as if she read my mind, she asked, “Do you want to hold her?”
“I don’t…” But then something made me swallow and nod.
I held my arms out. They were numb. Lily reached over and placed Lindsey in my arms. Her feather-light weight made me panicky. What if I dropped her? With trepidation, I brought her closer to my chest and peered down at her face. She was asleep, red, and chubby. Her blonde hair fell to her small, round forehead. She was alive, breathing like a tiny bird. I was expecting to feel an acute sense of loss at seeing a baby who wasn’t my sister.
But I felt…happy, maybe. She was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. And maybe my sister would’ve looked exactly like her, had she been born alive.
“Would you be willing to be her godmother?”
I froze at Lily’s casually dropped question. “What?”
“You heard me,” she challenged. “So would you?”
I looked down at the sleeping Lindsey, wanting her to wake up so she could come to my rescue. I couldn’t be her godmother. I was…not right for the job. Selfish, mean, bitter. I could never be anyone’s godmother. Katie, the little girl I thought I liked—I claimed to like—I used her to get back at James. All because he didn’t give me what I wanted, a shameless, guiltless kiss.
Yeah, I wasn’t fit for this job. “I don’t think I’m the right person.”
“I think you’re exactly the ri
ght person.”
“No, I’m—”
“You are,” she insisted. “You think I don’t know that you leave meds for me at the reception? I don’t even know why you go into stealth mode for that. And I haven’t said it, but…you saved my life that day by punching Josh. I can’t even imagine what he would’ve done.”
“That’s nothing.”
She took my hand and squeezed. “To me, that’s everything. Yeah, you have your faults, but so what? Everyone has them. Look at me, my stupidity almost got my baby killed. Don’t you think it scares me, too? You’re the best person I know, Madison.”
I was going to turn into a blubbering mess right here, and I never cried in front of people. It was an on-principle thing. “If I’m the best person you know, then you need to get out more.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But you’re the best person for the job.” She pointed to the baby. “So what do you say, are you up for the challenge?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Speechless, I stared at Lindsey and then at Lily, who was silently laughing at me. Finally, I gathered myself; it was bad for my image to be gaping for too long. “I’d…like that. Though you may come to regret it sooner than later.”
She laughed. I looked at Lindsey, so tiny and fragile in my clumsy arms. Bending down, I kissed her satiny forehead, then returned her to Lily. It was time for me to go back.
Our eyes met. Once again, her eyes turned glassy and my chest cramped with longing.
“What happened to the butcher when he backed into his meat grinder?” I asked, clearing my throat.
Lily smiled through her unshed tears. I did, too.
“He got a little behind in his work,” I told her when she shook her head, indicating she didn’t know the answer.
I sniffed, and in a moment of pure weakness that felt freeing, I reached forward and hugged Lily and Lindsey.
“I’ll miss you,” she whispered.
“Me, too.”
“Tell James Dean I said hi. I know you like him, and trust me, he likes you, too.”
My breath hitched at his name, and I withdrew from her hug. “You’re crazy. He hates me.” And for good reason.
“So you like him?”
No. I didn’t like him. I could never like him. He is a he. And in case the memo was lost in the mail, I did not like men. Besides, he was still in love with his wife.
“You know if you don’t stop talking, I might have to kiss you to shut you up.”
Lily gasped. “You’re horrible.”
“But you still love me.”
Chuckling, I left the room.
****
Back at the resort, I searched for James and Katie all day, but they weren’t anywhere. I had to apologize for what I had done on the boat. I had no right to scare that little girl because I was acting like a scorned woman. I was an idiot and a bitch and a hundred other bad things.
Finally, at the end of the day, I found them when I was leaving the reception house. James stood under the dogwood tree with Katie, who was bent down, collecting flowers from the ground. He turned toward me when I came out. He wore a black shirt, sleeves pushed over his elbows, and blue jeans. His skin looked darker. I guessed he’d grown tanned the past week he had been here.
His eyes went to my hair, which I’d left loose today. It was in the front, hanging down from one side of my shoulder. The way he’d been mesmerized by it earlier made me realize I’d done that for him. Back in high school, people would say my hair looked good that way. I hadn’t left my hair down in years. I hadn’t cared much for it. But that morning, before leaving for work, I’d pulled my bun open and let it cascade down my back. It had been worth it.
Katie ran to me as soon as her eyes encountered me standing there. “Look how many flowers I got, Madison. Do you wanna make a garland with me? They taught us how to do that in school.”
I wanted to. More than that, I wanted to hug her tightly and apologize for being so selfish. Even though an apology was not something that would ever make up for what I’d done.
“You know, when I was little, we had this big tree in our backyard. It had white flowers. Every Sunday my mom would help me pick them up, and then I’d make garlands or put them in a vase in my room.” I squeezed her shoulders. “On her birthday, I made her a cute corsage with them, and she wore it all day. It was her favorite.”
We hadn’t had much of a backyard, just a common area in the back of our trailer park, and my mom had loved those flowers.
“Really?” Katie’s eyes widened in wonder. “Will you teach me how to make corsages, too?”
“I will. You know, Katie, whenever I think of my mom up in the sky, I always see her with those flowers. She looks so…happy and pretty.”
It was a lie. I never thought of my mom other than with regret and disappointment—bitterness. Maybe I should. Maybe I should think of her when life was relatively good and simple.
“Pretty like you?”
I leaned and rubbed my nose against hers, making her chuckle. “No, pretty like you. You’re the prettiest, right?” Katie smiled at me, and with a tight voice, I said, “I want you to know that, no matter what, people in the sky, they can always see you. So you’re never alone as long as you watch the stars every night. Okay?”
“Okay,” she mumbled.
“Now let’s go make garlands.” I tickled her stomach, making her giggle.
“Okay, but I gotta get more flowers.”
She started to run away, but I stopped her. “Katie, would you… Do you want to call me Maddy?” The words were out of my mouth even before I thought them through. My mom was the only one who ever called me that. It was a piece of her that was special, exclusive, and I wanted Katie to have that, even though she wouldn’t understand the importance of it.
“Maddy,” she breathed. “I like that name. It sounds like Katie. We have matching names.”
“Yup, we do.”
Katie hugged my waist, and I rested my hands on her head, curling her soft black hair. Feeling James’ eyes on me, I looked up. He seemed to be struggling with something; a war waged in his eyes. I couldn’t understand about what. Maybe he wanted to push me away from his daughter. I wouldn’t blame him.
Katie wiggled away from my hold and went to get more flowers.
“Maddy,” James said, moving closer.
I felt my name on my skin. His voice had a way of doing that, touching me from afar.
“My mom used to call me that. She was the only one.”
Deep inside my heart, I knew he’d understand. In fact, he was the only one who would, and if that wasn’t a fucking terrifying, nightmare-inducing, run-for-the-woods-pronto fact, then I didn’t know what was.
“Is that story true?”
“Yeah. It is.”
“And you think that lets you off the hook for what you did? Asking Katie to call you that?” he asked with repressed anger.
It hurt, his careless dismissal of the most important thing in my life, the only important thing in my life. Actually, no, scratch that. It was kind of a blessing that he did it. This was our territory. This was what we knew—fight and scratch. Why ruin a good thing like that with heartfelt confessions?
“What did I do exactly? Suck your cock till you blew in my mouth? Remind me how that’s a bad thing. You got off, didn’t you?” I lowered my voice. “With the amount of cum you spewed out, I’d say you were long overdue.”
“I think deflecting everything, using sexual innuendos has gotten old now.” His jaw ticked.
“Haven’t you caught up yet? Everything between us is sexual. Every look, every touch, even the way you say my name. It’s all fucking sexual. We either give in or we fight. Either way, this is happening.”
“Nothing is going to happen between us. Ever.”
“Is that a challenge?”
“I told you I won’t play this game with you.”
“Well, you have no choice. You play or you lose.”
Passionate
currents sizzled in the air, and something moved inside my chest. They were butterflies with sharp-edged wings, violent and cutting. It was addictive, the things I felt when I was around him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted to bite him so he’d bite back. It was masochistic, sadistic, twisted, tangled and so very, very us.
He thrust his hands inside his pocket. “So what’s the prize if I play? What do I win?”
“You don’t,” I told him. “This is a war, and I don’t intend to lose.”
Can’t afford to. Because if I lost, I had a feeling I’d lose myself.
Chapter Twelve
James
The next day, I got a text from Tim inviting Katie and me to have dinner with him and his wife, Anna, at an Italian restaurant.
We walked to the quaint-looking restaurant in the middle of Main Street, tucked away in the corner, a red brick one-story cottage. We stepped inside the fairly crowded establishment, which had wood-paneled walls and red and white cloth-covered tables. Tim and Anna were already seated toward the back.
Oak floors squeaked under our feet as we navigated through the room and took our seats at the table. I sat next to Katie, facing the front of the restaurant.
“I understand you’re like my husband. When it comes to boxing, don’t let him suck you in. He’s a lunatic.” Anna laughed, and the tinkling of it hit me in the gut. She laughed like Nat used to. Her eyes held the same shine, her face the same glow as Nat’s. My muscles hardened at the onslaught of memories.
Tim threw his arm on the back of his wife’s chair. “My wife tends to exaggerate. Obviously.”
I swallowed and choked out, “Tim’s really been helping me a lot. I admire his passion.”
Katie broke in. “Did you see my daddy punch that bad man? It was so awesome. My daddy’s a superhero. He saved Maddy.”
Tim threw me a glance at Maddy’s name. I shifted in my chair. Even now, I felt guilty over how easily I ignored her indirect apology to Katie. She’d been trying to do a nice thing, as surprising as that might be, and I’d ruined it with my anger and regret over what happened between us.
The waiter came, and we placed our orders, and then made small talk, meaning Katie talked and they laughed. My brain tended to freeze up in situations like these. I could never come up with anything clever to say. Even so, I managed to scrape out some questions about their jobs and life back home.
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