A War Like Ours

by Saffron A Kent

  “Do you still believe that? That you’re not a fit father?”

  I sighed, long and deep, and cracked a smile. “Andrea says that if I believed in something strong enough, it would come true. Like for so long, I believed that I wasn’t good enough and it turned out to be true in the end, so she asked me to reverse it—believe in the good things about myself. It was…quite novel for me, though it should’ve been obvious.”

  “Your girlfriend sounds smart,” she snapped.

  “To answer your question, no, I don’t still believe that I’m unfit for Katie. But I have my tough days, too.” Then, smiling into the coffee mug, I said, “Andrea is a good therapist, top of her field. Her husband is my colleague. He teaches math. Kids love him.”

  Understanding dawned on her face and Madison narrowed her eyes. “You think you’re so smart, don’t you?”

  I laughed softly. “Anyway, I just spent a night with Katie at the lake cabin. The other day I went to see her, and she was drawing it for school. And she had an urge to go fishing. So she asked me to take her.” I stared in her eyes. “She asked me, Madison. After two years of just visiting her, watching her grow up from across the street, she finally made the first move. She’s not scared of me anymore.”

  I always thought that staying was the right thing, but sometimes leaving, letting go was just as right. Perhaps my father had thought the same all those years ago. I would never know, but I had made my peace with it.

  And sometimes coming back was as right as leaving. After spending time with Katie yesterday, I knew this was it. I had to come back and make amends to this brown-eyed girl that drew me in the very first time I’d seen her. I drove up here directly after our weekly staff meeting. I might have over-sped along the way, but I had never felt happier or more terrified.

  “Are you…upset that I didn’t tell you before?” I asked, preparing myself for her negative reaction.

  She simply stared at me for a few seconds before lowering her eyes to the table. “Yes and no. I spent the last two years thinking that finally, you’re doing the right thing. Not running anymore, facing the situation and all that. But as it turns out, you weren’t.” She sighed. “But I can see why not. So technically, I should be the bigger person and not be upset. But when have you ever known me to be a bigger person? I’m fucking small and petty, and yes, I’m fucking upset.”

  “Madison—”

  “Oh, shut up.” She waved her hand. “I’m not finished. And since I’m petty and selfish, I’m going to use this moment to tell you that there’s something I didn’t tell you either.”

  I frowned.

  “I broke off the engagement the night I came to see you.”

  She arched her eyebrows at me, and I felt a blow to my stomach. She had been a free woman the night she came to see me. And all along I believed that she could’ve married Julia, that she was not mine anymore.

  “But you never…”

  “Told you? Yeah, I never did.” She sat back in her chair, curling the ends of her hair as she watched me.

  “Why not?” I felt betrayed even if I had no right to feel that way. I was the one who left, who made things the way that I had to leave, no matter what.

  “Because if I’d told you, you would’ve asked me to come with you. And I wasn’t ready. You weren’t ready either.”

  I felt deflated now. She was right. I would’ve asked her to come with me, and we needed this time apart to figure out a lot of things in life.

  “How is Katie doing these days? She must’ve grown so much.”

  I detected a hint of longing in her voice and regret stabbed me in the chest. When I had lied about Nat, I had no clue that I would meet Madison someday and hurt her in the process, too. Madison was another casualty of my lies.

  “She’s doing great. Loves her new school, loves living with her grandma. Her therapist seems to think she’s making real progress, hasn’t had a nightmare in months. She doesn’t ask about Nat anymore.”

  She flinched at Nat’s name. I barely restrained myself from rounding the table and drawing her into my arms. Would she fight me?

  Fuck! This was getting ridiculous. I should come out and simply ask her. Were we just two old flames getting our closure or were we more? Did I miss my chance completely?

  But then this could all be over and I would be back in my house, staring at empty walls, dreaming about her for the rest of my pathetic life.

  “She talks about you sometimes,” I said instead.

  Her eyes widened. “Really? I never thought she’d remember me. I’d hoped though.”

  “She remembers you, especially the fact that you taught her how to punch and call people asshole.” We both chuckled. “When she did it the first time, I had to go to her school. Her teacher was obviously horrified. She asked me who was Maddy and that this Maddy person was teaching Katie some really bad stuff.”

  “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with fighting back. Though I did tell her to never say that when people are around.”

  “I’m not saying anything. I’m glad Katie could hold her own.”

  “Well, that’s good to know. I did teach you a little something, after all.”

  “Yeah, you did.”

  She bit her lip as we stared at each other. Was she doing it on purpose to drive me over the edge? My cock had not settled down ever since I clapped eyes on her an hour ago at the park.

  “Madison—”

  “So are you done with your coffee?” she asked, cutting me off.

  I blew out a tense breath and stared at my empty cup. “Uh, if you don’t mind, I’m going to have another cup. Do you want more?”

  “No, I’m good. But you go ahead.”

  Thank God.

  Five minutes later another cup of coffee was placed before me, and I took a sip, almost burning my mouth and spitting it out.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Mmmhmm.” I thumped my chest, coughing.

  Madison offered me a tissue, throwing me suspicious glances. This was just what I needed. Making a fool of myself.

  “So,” I began after gathering myself together, “tell me more about your job.”

  She frowned like something was wrong, but then she answered. We spent the next hour talking about random things—our jobs, New York, Hedge Lake, Katie. I told her I had not spoken to my mother in months. And she told me that Lily worked with her at the salon. Though when I was there, I hadn’t seen her.

  I had downed four cups of coffee by then. But now it was really time to go.

  And I had not said the very thing I had come here to say.

  ****

  Fifteen minutes later, we stood at Madison’s door. She lived above the salon she worked at. We remained quiet the entire way to her house. Every step of the way, I wanted to grab her hand and stop her, and tell her that I was here for her. But every time I tried to do that, Madison moved away from me, as if she knew I was finally going to confess the real reason for being here.

  Now she was busy unlocking her brown door and I was busy watching the top of her head, trying to restrain myself from touching her, trying to tame this wild urge that only woke up when she was around me.

  The click of the lock reverberated in the tiny hallway made of yellow walls and beige carpet. My body stiffened. This was it. She was going to disappear now. Forever. She turned around and swallowed, her hands behind her back, gripping the doorknob.

  “So this is me.” Her chest was moving with harsh breaths. “Obviously. It was…great s—”

  “I kept my promise.” My voice, almost bordering on panicky, interrupted her.

  “What?”

  “I still dream,” I told her, reminding her of the very last conversation we had. I took a step closer to her and her back arched. I barely restrained a groan at the provocative sight. “Every night I close my eyes, trying to go to sleep, and I see you.” I chuckled harshly. “Who am I kidding? I see you even with my eyes open. I see you lying on the grass, by the lake, the moon shining on you
. I see your tears, the blood, your smiles. The way you provoked me, made me mad. The way you played with Katie, laughing with her. I see everything, Madison, every moment we spent together.”

  Her breaths were rapid, so rapid that I thought she would explode.

  “But most of all, I dream of you and me, together, underwater. And it’s all so vivid, so real that I can feel the softness of your skin, your hair. You look so beautiful with your hair floating, and sometimes you smile at me. Not the usual smirk but the real smile that only comes out on rare occasions. And I forget to breathe.”

  Tears were streaming down her face as she stared up at me. Finally, I gave in and touched her. I wiped her tears, slowly, thumbing her soft cheek, feeling my entire body sigh and surge with heat at once.

  “I don’t feel so lonely when I see you, Madison,” I whispered, resting my forehead against hers. “But the truth is that I’m lonely because you’re not with me. You’re not where I am. You haven’t been for the past two years.”

  “You left.” Her voice, broken and thick with tears, clenched my stomach. I pressed my forehead against hers, my fingers twitching with the urge to somehow dig inside and scrape out all the pain, throw it away.

  “You didn’t come back for two years,” she continued, her hands grabbing my wrists. I opened my mouth to say something, but she stopped me. “I know. I know why you left. And I wanted to you to leave. Trust me, I understood. I thought I was a big person, you know. I thought I could handle it, but…” She shook her head. “I can’t. I didn’t. I don’t think I’ve handled anything. And I’ve spent the last two years hating you and missing you, and I don’t even know what I am doing anymore.”

  I rolled my forehead against hers, needing the contact. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “You keep saying that, James.” Her nails dug into my flesh. “You just…keep saying that. That’s all you ever say. Don’t you see? You’re addicted to it. You’re addicted to being sorry.”

  “Madison—”

  She wrenched away from my hold, swiveled on her heels and pushed the door open, stepping inside. “I think you should go.”

  “No.” I jammed my foot in the door when she tried to close it. “Not until I’ve said what I came here to say.”

  “I don’t want to hear it. Just leave.”

  I slapped my hand on the door, pushing it wide open and stepping inside. “I’m not going anywhere, Madison.”

  She was backing away from the threshold as I advanced on her. Vulnerable and defiant. Madison was my dream. I had to confess my feelings to her, no matter what. I had to tell her how I felt.

  Madison came to a stop as her back bumped against the wall. I caged her with my arms on both sides and stared down at her watery but hopeful eyes. “I’m sorry for leaving you…” I kissed her forehead as she stiffened. “For lying, for being weak and selfish…” I kissed her wet eyes. “For being addicted to misery, for being so wrapped up in my own head that I never saw straight.” I kissed the tears on her cheeks. “But do you know what I’m not sorry for?”

  She trembled against my body, and I did not stop for her to answer. “I’m not sorry for driving my father away, because I know I didn’t. I’m not sorry for killing Nat, because I didn’t make her take that job in Florida. She did that on her own. And I’m not sorry for killing her, because I didn’t. It wasn’t my fault, and I won’t take the blame for it.”

  I placed a kiss on her forehead again, and whispered, finally, telling her what I came here to say, “And I’m not sorry for loving you.”

  Madison tensed in my arms, but I kept going, my eyes closed, my nose rubbing against hers, lost in the sensation of holding her. “I’m not sorry for loving you from the first moment I saw you. I’m not sorry for thinking about you all the time, going crazy because I can’t touch you, can’t hold your hand, can’t kiss you, talk to you. And I’m not sorry for wanting to be with you. Forever.”

  I felt her move against me, and I looked down at her.

  “What did you just say?” she asked, her tone unsure.

  “I love you, Madison. I’ve always loved you.”

  Her fingers reached up and traced my cheeks. “You’re crying.”

  I smiled through my tears, like I had always seen her do. “I never thought I was capable of it. I never thought I could be normal. And maybe I’m not. Maybe my normal is really abnormal. But I know that I love you, Madison, with every inch of my insanity and darkness. I more than love you. I…I crave you. I live for you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I…I love you, too,” she whispered with a small smile.

  I kissed her smiling mouth, and after two long years, I tasted that citrusy tartness that I had chased after in my dreams. Her lips were just as soft, just as sweet, just as alluring. But it was over too soon.

  She broke the kiss off. “I don’t care if you’re abnormal or crazy or whatever. I don’t care if you want to see me cry or if you get off on it. I don’t care if you’re the bad guy. I just want you to be my guy, okay? I want you to be mine.”

  The uncertainty in her tone broke my heart. “I am. I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.”

  She closed the distance between us and kissed me. I crushed her to my chest, and her legs came around my waist. Hauling her up and still feeding on her lips, I walked toward what I hoped was the bedroom.

  Panting, she asked, “Where are we going?”

  “Bedroom.”

  “Why, no. Fuck me here. I can’t wait.” She clawed at my shirt, pulling it free from the pants.

  I placed a hard kiss on her lips. “Fucking you against a wall isn’t anything new. I want to make love to you in a bed.”

  Growling, she yanked my hair and kissed me again.

  Thankfully, I took the right direction and reached her bedroom. Lowering her on the bed, I covered her with my body. I wanted to worship her, take my time, do things right this time. But my cock was having none of it and neither was Madison. She had already unbuckled my belt and opened the zipper. I barely contained my groan when her fingers made contact with my straining cock.

  I placed my hand over hers and looked at her flushed cheeks and drowsy eyes. “I…I don’t think this is such a good idea.”

  “What?”

  “I can’t…I can’t control myself. It’s moving too fast.” I thought I was going to explode if I kept looking at her disgruntled expression and heaving breasts.

  “You mean you’ll blow too fast?”

  An awkward chuckle escaped me. “Yes, that too. But what I meant was…I don’t want to be rough with you. I don’t want to hurt you that way.”

  “But you never hurt me that way.” She appeared thoroughly confused and irritated.

  I had officially broken the mood now.

  Heaving myself up, I moved away from the bed, buckling my pants. “Madison, the night I left…what you told me…I…I didn’t know how to act or even take care of you.” Her frown made me realize that I was making a mess of it. “I shouldn’t have pounced on you the way I did. It was the last night, and I thought I’d never see you again, and I…I couldn’t control myself. It was a mistake on my part. I didn’t think about the consequences of that on you.”

  “Consequences on me?”

  She was sitting on the bed, the shoulder of her dress stretched down on her arm, revealing the seductive curve of her breast. My cock was questioning my decision-making process.

  I knelt in front of her. “I left you, Madison. Even after knowing everything. I had made so many mistakes on my own that I was forced to choose. And I was in no position to choose you.”

  “I know,” she snapped. “I was there.”

  “You don’t understand, Madison. I’m…uh, I’m trying to do right by you.”

  “Do you remember what I said to you that night?”

  “What…what did you say?”

  “I told you to pounce on me, okay. I asked you to.” She shook her head and scooted toward me. “Stop. Blaming. Yourself. Yes, you l
eft, and I think I’m gonna be scared and unsure for a while. I might even snap at you about it, five seconds after we have sex. But what happened to me with Scott was a long time ago. I’ve finally moved past it. And you know what the best part was? That I did it on my own. No one held my hand. Not Julia. Not you. Not anyone. I moved on, James. You should, too.”

  Placing my hands on her soft thighs, I said, “But I could’ve supported you. I wanted to.”

  “I had all the support I needed.” She squeezed my hand on her thighs. “In fact, you won’t believe me if I told you, but…I used to go to these weekly meetings in the next town. It was a year ago, and it was a total bust but—I did get to share my story. I knew I wasn’t alone, and that was enough.”

  I smiled, maybe even grinned. “I’m…I’m so proud of you, Madison. I wish I could’ve been there to see it. See you become a people person.”

  She swatted my chest. “Don’t make fun of me.” Then she grew serious. “I went back home to Bridgevale after you left. In fact, I went there the same day you left. I went to see my mom, her grave anyway. I told her about you.”

  “Yeah? What did she say?” I kissed her forehead again. I could not stop.

  “She said that I should hunt you down and beat you up for leaving me. And do you know what I said?”

  “No, what?”

  “That I love you because you left. Because I always knew you’d fix it, fix everything.” She placed a soft kiss on my lips. “You’re strong, James. So strong you just didn’t know it.”

  I didn’t think I’d ever felt this way before. No one could have made me feel this happy. Grabbing the back of her neck, I gave her a hard kiss.

  She sighed, and her smile turned sad.

  “What’s going through your head?”

  “While I was there…I went to my old house, where we lived with Scott. He wasn’t there anymore. He…you know, killed himself.” At my shocked expression, she went on, “I guess he regretted what he did or maybe he was just…too heartbroken after Mom.”

  “He fucking deserved to die.”