Playing by the Rules

by Rosa Temple

  ‘I don’t have one,’ I said.

  ‘Oh it’s just I thought that was a male voice I heard –’

  I forced my arms through the sleeves of my coat, aggressively doing up the buttons.

  ‘You’ve got some nerve asking me about my love life and behaving the way you have,’ I shot at him.

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Come off it, Anthony. The way you look at me, sit so close. Stop flirting with me. You’re engaged.’

  Anthony blushed a deep shade of red. ‘I wasn’t aware that I was. If I gave that impression, I –’

  ‘You what? You’re sorry? Shame on you, Anthony. I’m not falling for it.’ I shoved the strap of my bag over my shoulder. ‘Look, I really am unwell. I have to leave early, I’m sorry. I’ll go home, take some aspirin and lie down.’

  ‘You’ve been crying, Magenta.’

  ‘So what?’

  ‘You’re crying now.’

  I was. He was right. The tears and heartache I’d been trying to keep under wraps, for both men, to some extent, were giving me away. Too much drama. I had to go before I became a total wreck. I didn’t want Anthony seeing me like this. All he needed to see was my professional foot forwards, nothing else.

  ‘Get a taxi, Magenta. Charge it to the company. If you’re better tomorrow we’ll get back to this lot.’ He nodded at the mess of papers on my desk.

  ‘I’m really sorry about this,’ I said, keeping my head down so he couldn’t see the tears.

  ‘No, really. You go. And I hope you feel better.’

  I rushed out of the building and away from Cassandra before she could put her oar in and make me feel twenty times worse. The air was cold on my face and I realised I’d left my fabulous new Hermès shawl over the back of my chair and that I hadn’t ordered the taxi beforehand.

  But I was in no mood to be sitting in a confined space. I needed air and I needed time to think. The next thing I needed was to drink whisky with Anya and I hoped she wasn’t busy when I called her number.

  Chapter 16

  ‘He vot? Anya said when I got through after several rings.

  ‘Hugo’s back,’ I repeated. ‘Look, where are you? Can you make it to Spencer’s on Regent Street fairly quickly?’

  ‘I’m at home. Come over and stop off for some Glenfiddich on the vay. I had to drink my whole supply. Don’t ask.’

  I wasn’t about to. I stopped at the classiest offie I could so I could get the good stuff and headed straight to Anya’s place. Anya was at the door with two crystal tumblers, one in each hand, as I jumped out of the taxi, already opening the bottle of whisky.

  ‘This might be the last time you see me alive,’ I said. I began pouring ample amounts of whisky into each glass as I got to the door. Anya held a steady hand as we moved inside. She kicked the heavy, oak front door closed with her foot.

  ‘Meaning?’ she said, handing me a glass of whisky.

  ‘Meaning I’m about to drink myself into oblivion.’ I’d already shed my handbag at the door and was making my way through the double doors leading from the hallway into the living room. I dropped into the big armchair by the window and wriggled out of my coat, trying not to spill from my glass.

  ‘Careful,’ said Anya. ‘Isn’t that Stella McCartney?’

  ‘Yes but even she will forgive my desperation.’

  ‘Vot desperation? Vye should you feel desperate? He’s the von who is in the wrong. He should never have called you. Never. He’s selfish and insensitive and I don’t vont you to seem him.’

  I looked over at Anya whose neck was elongated as she downed the drink in almost record time, even for her.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ I said. ‘Is this about me or is it about your mystery man?’

  ‘Forget him.’

  ‘No, wait,’ I said. ‘You’re seeing him again aren’t you?’ Anya waved an empty glass at me. ‘When you’re telling me I mustn’t see him you mean you mustn’t see whatever his name is. If he’s selfish and insensitive why did you start seeing him again? Anya?’

  ‘How about ve both drink ourselves into oblivion?’

  ‘Anya, what are you doing? He’s a married man isn’t he? Tell me the truth this time.’

  ‘He vos married, yes, and he has grown-up children but he’s single now and that’s all you need to know. Believe me, ven I tell you that, Magenta.’

  She got up and grabbed the bottle from the floor beside me and poured herself another glassful of whisky.

  ‘Can’t ve just drink for now?’ she said. ‘Let’s not talk about me. Only you. Agreed?’

  I nodded although I wasn’t sure I knew where to begin my tale of woe. Hugo’s call had thrown everything off. I’d had a purpose in life. I was a dynamo PA and a woman trying to rid herself of feelings for her boss. Hugo didn’t fit into the equation; he just sabotaged it. You see there’d been more to Hugo leaving me at the airport than I’d told everyone. I’d told them all that it was over and I just needed to forget, but that’s not the way we’d actually left it.

  On the morning he left I offered to go to the airport with Hugo. We’d said our goodbyes because that was where we were at. A couple who’d spent a weekend in bed and then a week of soul searching while I made a decision about whether I’d go with him or not. The final decision had been to go our separate ways even though it broke my heart. Then Hugo put a spanner in the works.

  We turned up early at departures, earlier than we needed to with the idea we’d check Hugo’s bags in and say another long goodbye. A stupid idea, I know, because goodbye was all we’d been saying since I’d told him days ago I was staying put.

  Over a coffee in Starbucks – and while the rest of his band members were entertaining themselves on the other side of the departure hall – we began to talk.

  ‘I can’t believe I’m here,’ I’d said. ‘I should have just left last night and cried into my pillow. That would have been the sensible plan. Instead, I have to watch your plane take off and know I’ll never see you again.’

  ‘Never is a long time isn’t it?’ Hugo had said.

  ‘Duh,’ I’d replied. ‘Isn’t it the longest? I don’t know how I can smile like this; my heart is broken in two.’

  ‘So is mine,’ Hugo had said and suddenly grabbed hold of my hands. ‘What are we doing?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean, haven’t we spent days telling each other we’re in love?’

  ‘Something like that.’

  ‘So why are we saying goodbye?’

  ‘Hugo, I can’t do this again.’

  ‘I don’t mean that. What I mean is, let’s not make it goodbye; let’s make it au revoir.’

  ‘You’ve lost me,’ I said. ‘You’re going. You don’t know where you’ll be after next week’s tour and you’re not coming back and I’m not going with you. That spells goodbye to me, not au revoir. If I remember my French that means until we see each other again.’

  ‘Exactly.’ Hugo squeezed my hands tighter. ‘I can’t lose you, Magenta. I’ll be on that plane wondering what might have been.’

  ‘You mean you’ll come back after the tour?’

  He’d put his head down so I couldn’t see his expression until he slowly looked up at me.

  ‘I’m not coming back, it’s true,’ he’d said. ‘But I’m going to call you, Magenta.’

  ‘But you said –’

  ‘I know what I said. But who was I kidding? I can’t say goodbye to that face, those eyes, your smile, your crazy hair.’ He’d laughed then and the side tooth that wanted to climb over the front tooth showed. I remember thinking I’d miss that crooked grin.

  ‘Don’t tease me, Hugo. I can’t stand it.’

  ‘Look, Magenta. I take it all back. I can’t live without you. I’m going to call you. I won’t keep asking you to come out to me. All I’ll do is tell you where I am. You go to university, get your degree and when you finish, you’ll have a choice to
make. I’ll write when I can’t call and I’ll tell you exactly where I am. That way, if you want to see me again, you’ll know where to find me.’

  I had stared and stared for ages. It was what I’d wanted, for us to stay in touch to see what the distance would do and to see what would happen if one of us broke and got onto a plane to be with the other. I wanted it to be him. I wanted him to be the one to break and come running straight back after his tour. He’d come back. That’s what I’d thought; that’s what I’d hoped for.

  We waited until the last call for his plane to board and I walked with him to the final point before he left the departure lounge. He was going to have to run so the plane didn’t leave without him but for some reason we could neither speak nor let go of the other’s hand.

  ‘Sir?’ A flight attendant tapped his shoulder. Hugo didn’t turn. ‘Are you for flight BA215?’ Hugo continued to stare at me. He nodded to the flight attendant. ‘Then you’d better make your way. You’re the last passenger.’

  ‘Magenta? Are we doing this? Am I calling you? Are we going to stay in touch?’

  I put my arms around him and squeezed his neck so tight I was sure I was cutting off his air supply. I whispered in his ear.

  ‘Please call me, Hugo. I can’t live without you.’

  We pulled away and he just smiled at me, touched his lips to my nose and ran to the gate. I saw the spikes of his hair as his head bobbed and his rucksack bouncing on his back just as the departure lounge doors closed on my face. I was crying but I was smiling, too. Hugo was going to call and I was going to wait for his call. I was going to see where our relationship went and I knew deep down in my heart that we had a special future together.

  When the girls came to pick me up because I’d called Amber and told her I couldn’t walk, they took me home and I cried for days afterwards. I’d already started to miss him. My family assumed that saying goodbye was too much for me but the truth was I was holding on to Hugo’s promise. I didn’t tell a soul about his promise because I wanted to be sure he kept it. But after two weeks, when I knew his tour was over, my tearful state became worse. Hugo never called and I was late starting university because I was waiting. Four weeks later and still nothing. I lost nearly two stone in a short space of time and had to be rushed to hospital in my first term of university.

  By about four in the afternoon, Anya and I were completely wasted. I was crawling on my hands and knees towards the hallway because I needed the loo. Once I’d left the living room, still on my hands and knees, I couldn’t remember which direction the downstairs cloakroom was. I bumped into a side table and a photograph of Anya and her family fell to the wooden floor and the glass broke. The accident set off my tears and I burst out crying. Anya ran out when she heard the crash.

  ‘Anya, I’m so sorry. I broke the picture.’ I sat with my back against the wall, my hair in a big mop over my face. Anya knelt beside me and put her arm around my shoulder. She maintained a slight distance and coolness for a second or two before she pulled me in for a proper hug.

  ‘Shh,’ she said. ‘It’s all right. It vos taken before I had my teeth fixed. I look like Count Dracula in that picture anyvay.’

  I cleared the glass from the frame and looked closely at the photograph.

  ‘Yes you do look bad, Anya. You look like a ten-year-old serial killer. Those eyebrows.’

  She pulled away and slapped my arm.

  ‘Thanks a lot. I was a kid. I had no clue then. Let’s just get rid of this.’ She grabbed the photo and tossed it. ‘That’s the past. You came here to talk about your future. I’ll put on the coffee and ve’ll talk, okay? Ve’ll sort your life out or die trying.’

  I looked at her and sniffed.

  ‘Okay?’ she said.

  ‘Yes.’ I stood up and wobbled, clinging to the wall. ‘But you may have to get me to the loo. The hall seems to be curving upwards.’

  ‘God, Madge, you’ve become a real lightveight these days. Come on.’

  Anya got me to the toilet with her usual military flair and precision and then into her vast kitchen where she proceeded to make a brew of coffee.

  ‘This stuff is amazing,’ she said. ‘It’ll keep us up for hours. I’m sure ve’ve got a lot of analysis to do.’

  ‘You make me sound like a psychiatric patient. Man trouble – that’s all I have. Firstly. Point taken on Hugo. I’m not going to see him. I’ve made up my mind.’

  ‘I vos harsh earlier, Madge. Maybe after ten years it might not be so bad.’

  ‘It’s too long. What happened to him in all this time? I’m sure there’s a woman at the root of this. There’s bound to be. I bet the minute he got on the plane he met someone else. Probably the air hostess and everything he told me in bed was a lie.’

  ‘I never met the guy and I can’t vouch for him but think about it, Madge. It’s pretty scary for men to say they’re in love. Especially ven they’re that age.’

  ‘He was twenty-eight. The age I am now. I’m not afraid to tell someone how I feel.’

  Anya looked at me and from her expression I could tell she was thinking of Anthony.

  ‘That’s different,’ I said, indignant. ‘He’s engaged and he’s off the menu.’

  ‘Fair enough but my point is that even at tventy-eight, a man can still be very immature. I mean look at vere he vos in his life. Going off to travel the vorld. Maybe being in love to him meant settling down and he vosn’t there yet.’

  I sipped my coffee; the strength of it knocked me for six. Anya had all kinds of weird teas and coffees she gathered on her travels and I was afraid to ask what was in this one. My mind buzzed and my pulse was galloping away in coffee heaven. But I could think more clearly.

  ‘You’re right, Anya. As ever. He wasn’t ready was he? He probably had a reality check when the plane took off. Being in love means being tied down to a lot of guys. Why would he be any different?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Besides which, I hardly knew the man. He might not have been in love, just lust. I mean I did offer it on a plate just hours after meeting him. He might have thought all his Sundays had come at once. A bonking frenzy before he got on the plane. And imagine all the one-night stands he could get on his tour. He didn’t need me.’

  ‘I hate to say it but, no he didn’t. It’s not alvays easy to take ven you get dropped.’

  ‘Are we still talking about me? I mean you did say that you and mystery man are back on. But I guess it must have hurt when you thought it was over.’

  ‘This isn’t about me remember? Back to you. Vot are you going to do about Hugo?’

  I sat and thought long and hard, throwing different scenarios around. I obviously still had feelings for him. Why else would I have been crying my eyes out? But he had hurt me terribly and after all this time he really didn’t deserve another chance to break my heart.

  ‘No,’ I said.

  ‘No?’

  ‘No. I’m not going to see him. I don’t care what happened to him. He can’t turn up in England after ten years and call me and tell me it was always me and expect me to drop everything and see him. He didn’t even come back for me. If his mother hadn’t died …’

  ‘Vait, he told you it vos alvays you?’ asked Anya, sitting up straight.

  ‘His exact words were: Magenta, it’s only ever been you. He said he’d never met anyone like me.’

  ‘But, Madge, that is so romantic. I can’t understand how you of all people refuse to see him after hearing that.’

  ‘Because you think I’m a drama queen, right?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Well it’s the kind of drama I can live without right now,’ I said. ‘I’m busy at work. You wouldn’t believe how exciting it is at Shearman. Anthony and I are on a roll. I’ll leave that company with my head held high. I don’t want to fail at anything in my life again.’

  ‘Hugo leaving vos not a failure on your part, Madge. I hope you don’t blame yourself.’

/>   ‘No, I totally blame him. But he’s too late. I’ve moved on. I’m finally a grown-up who does grown-up things and I’m not going back ten years.’

  ‘I know ten years vos a long time,’ said Anya, still pleading to my dramatic side. ‘But is there any vay you are still in love vith him?’

  I looked at the pattern on my large ceramic coffee mug and traced it with my thumb.

  ‘Do you still love him?’ Anya asked again.

  I looked up and shook my head.

  ‘No, of course, I don’t. So you see, there’d be no point raking up the past now would there?’

  ‘No, I guess not.’

  ‘So end of discussion. I’m hungry. I know you have no food in the house. So let’s go out. My treat.’

  ‘You’re on.’

  Anya rushed off to paint a coat of make-up on her face. She wouldn’t be seen in public without some kind of cosmetic barrier, no matter how thin. I, on the other hand, looked at my big hair in the hall mirror and decided not to try to tame it. I was in a wild and reckless mood.

  I meant what I’d said about knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to walk away from Shearman and from Anthony with my head held high. By which time he might even have married the beautiful Inez, but I was determined that I would not go back to the pain of loving Hugo ever again.

  Chapter 17

  The next morning I was ready for anything and I was in battle mode, especially when it came to the world of leather products for men. Well, man bags to be exact. I set my sights on gaining more exposure for Shearman by trying to get more magazine write-ups and to stage a fashion show of some kind. Anthony thought it was a marvellous idea and said that Inez had thought of something similar. Typical.

  ‘We need an angle, Anthony. Something to bring us more publicity and I think I have an idea,’ I said.

  I was in his office and sitting as far back from him as possible. We purposefully avoided talking about what went on the day before. We’d ignored the words and accusations that came up and the fact that I’d run from the place in a flood of tears. When Anthony arrived that morning I could tell he wanted to bring it up but I skirted around the tearful events, determined that neither he nor Hugo would be the reason I failed at keeping a job for a year.