“Look,” Gil began wearily, shaking his head, “I did it to make you happy again, Kai. That was all. I saw what I’d done to you when you arrived here. I wanted to fix it. I remember… Hell… I remember how much you smiled and laughed before. And when you found out I was here, all I saw every day was a woman burdened with grief and sadness.” Gil’s voice was hoarse with emotion. “And that’s the God’s truth— I just wanted to see you smile like you were smiling when you rode Mariah around in that ring.” He straightened and seemed to struggle to get a hold of his escaping emotions. “Please, accept it as a gift to make you happy. That’s the bottom line on why I put in the money to get Mariah for you. I swear it.” Gil drilled a look into her widening eyes that were moist with tears.
“I think I’ve said enough,” he groused, unable to stand her tears right now. “Good night.”
Kai stood there, feeling as if she’d gone through a tornado. Only it wasn’t fierce winds buffeting her. It was Gil’s emotions rupturing her whole world. She heard the screen door close. The place was suddenly quiet. His presence, that sunlight of him, was gone. Slowly, Kai let her drawn-up shoulders sag. She stumbled to the swing and sat down, her hands pressed to her face, trying to sort out what had just happened.
*
GIL COULDN’T GO to sleep. He lay in his bed, naked, a sheet up to his waist, his hands behind his head, staring up at the darkened ceiling of his bedroom. Right across the hall was Kai’s room. Aching to go in there and tell her how long he had loved her, had never stopped loving her, and trying to sort out the mess, needled the hell out of him. Gil knew it wasn’t that easy. He’d messed up too much and had not gone to find Kai after returning home.
His mouth compressed as he stared into the darkness, the window open, and he could hear the crickets singing outside it. Maybe it was a stupid, knee-jerk decision to put his own money into the ranch till to buy Mariah for Kai. She interpreted his honest gesture as somehow manipulating her. Damn, he didn’t manipulate people at all. Why couldn’t she see his gesture for what it was? All he wanted to do was make her happy. To see her smile once more.
A ragged sigh eased between his lips. His heart hurt like a son of a bitch. From the first day Sam had introduced Kai to him, Gil had felt his heart tearing a little more every day. He’d been completely enamored with her. She was shy then, not as confident as she was now, and Sam was highly protective of her. But all operators were like that with their women. Still, Gil remembered how he’d felt hit hard in the chest by simply meeting Kai, shaking her hand, being respectful toward her.
And then, because they were based at Bagram, Sam would often invite Gil along when the two of them went to the chow hall. Gil never said much. Being drawn powerfully to Kai was a deep secret known only to him. He was truly happy for Sam, who had a lot of emotional issues he sat on, never releasing them. He ignored them. And Kai was so open, vulnerable, and able to share her emotions with Sam.
His friend had courted Kai for nearly a year before asking her to marry him. And Gil had been their best man at their wedding. It was a bittersweet moment for him. One look at Kai and Sam, and Gil couldn’t go there. It was clear they loved each other. And he was honestly happy for both of them.
When Sam was out on an op, Gil would always drop by and take Kai to the chow hall if she had time. Delta men took care of their own. If a husband was away and a Delta team member was around, he’d go over to help the wife. He remembered every last damn one of their talks. She’d never realized the emotional beggar he was, lapping up her smiles, her laughter, the way her eyes danced with so much life. Kai fed him on every level, even though she never knew it. Gil was old enough, mature enough, to appreciate Kai and his position with her. He never once made a move toward her. Never spoke of his growing love for her that he couldn’t stop from taking root in his heart.
Wiping his face, Gil sat up, the bed creaking beneath his weight. When his bare feet touched the coolness of the floor, it was grounding to him. He sat staring out the window, the curtain drawn back. He heard the click of the clock up on the mahogany antique dresser. Outside, he could see the blackness of the sky and the thousands of stars twinkling within its velvet embrace. He reran his words to Kai out on the porch. Jesus, every time he got around her, his emotions started unraveling. And he didn’t think clearly when that happened.
Gil didn’t want to go into operator mode with Kai. That meant stuffing his emotional reactions to her down until only his sharp mental alertness remained. He’d never been able to do it with her. And to see how shattered she was, how shaken by the fact he’d paid for half her horse, jolted him.
First of all, he was pissed that Slade had given those damn receipts to Kai. Secondly, if he’d thought Slade was going to do it, he’d have picked up the phone and told the rancher to mail the receipts to him.
Gil hadn’t wanted Kai to know what he’d done. His gesture of goodwill had backfired on him. Badly. And now, she was more wary, more distrusting of him than ever. Dammit.
He slowly stood and padded over to the window, searching the dark, silent heavens. Gil never expected to see Kai again. He thought he’d purged her from his heart. But how the hell did he know she’d show up here? And she looked so much more beautiful than he recalled. Mature. Graceful. And, God, how he wanted her. Gil was still reeling from the fact he saw Kai every day. He wanted to see her more often but knew his presence was rubbing her emotionally raw. Now he was beginning to understand how deeply he’d devastated Kai by not leaving any message behind.
He’d thought about it. Almost done it. But what the hell could he say to her? I’m off on an op. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. Oh, by the way, wait for me because I love you?
Shaking his head, Gil knew that Kai was completely unaware of the love he held for her. And then, when he’d told her he needed her in the lounge of the barracks after Rob had been killed, she’d opened her arms to him. Gil hadn’t expected that. He didn’t know what he’d expected, really. But not that. Kai had held him strong and close to her, initiating the kiss with him that had blown him wide open. Gil didn’t even realize he’d come to Kai’s barracks, that was the depth of his shock, how emotionally dazed he was from Rob’s death.
Running his hands over his face, Gil felt hamstrung. Kai’s kiss had dismantled him. At first, it had shocked him, but then her mouth was so warm and tender against his that every fail-safe mechanism he’d ever put into place to respect her because she was Sam’s woman, dissolved. He was hurting too much not to accept her charity. But it had turned into far more than that. By the time the kiss was finished, they were both heavily aroused, wanting sex with one another, and Gil had taken her to a conjugal unit on base. And they’d had five of the most powerful, beautiful days of Gil’s life. No one had loved him like Kai had. Even now, he could feel the whisper of her lips against his nape, the shivers of fire radiating outward from wherever her lips had glided across his taut flesh.
To this day, Gil didn’t know why it had happened. He knew what he’d gotten out of it. Kai had healed him to a point where he could focus on being an operator. He wasn’t sure what she received out of their exchange. Afraid to ask Kai, Gil feared that she felt used and manipulated by him because he’d left without any explanation. God, why had he done that? Why hadn’t he followed through and penned a note? Just a note. But it would have been a love sonnet to Kai, him spilling out the years of love he’d held for her while she was married to Sam. He wasn’t sure she would accept his love. And although they’d shared great sex, no mention of that word ever came up in that time frame. Not once. So Gil was afraid to say he loved Kai.
He hadn’t known how long he’d be gone. His CO was saying a year, more or less. He thought it would be a short op and he’d return to Bagram, find Kai and continue where they’d left off after apologizing for not leaving her a note of some kind. And he had planned on telling her everything at that time, how he’d always loved her.
But that didn’t happen. He was gone for years. U
ndercover. Out of touch. Now Gil understood the full impact of how it had affected Kai. Of his not leaving something behind to thank Kai for who she was, for what she had done for him, and how grateful he was for her generosity of heart. He’d been so damned stupid. But he was messed up and not thinking clearly at all. Gil thought he’d be back sooner and he’d have that serious conversation with Kai. He’d worried how she felt about those five days so often when he was undercover and uncertain when he’d be home. Did she feel as if he had blindsided her? Taken advantage of her as a recent widow, one year out from losing her husband? Taking advantage of her grief? Was that why she was so upset and angry with him? Even her questions on the porch reflected her belief that he was using her.
Jesus, nothing was further from the truth. Gil wanted to love her, never use her. But how was Kai to separate all of this out if he wasn’t being fully honest with her? Right now, Gil felt that if he told Kai the truth, she’d not believe him. She’d scoff at him. Hurt moved through him, deep and eviscerating, into his chest. He rubbed the area with his hand, scowling. How to undo the past? How to get Kai to realize he really did love her? It looked like a Gordian knot to Gil and he had no real plan on how to proceed to untie it.
Turning, he slowly padded to the bed and lay down, his arm across his eyes, in a quandary. His mind whirled with options, strategies and possible ways to reach Kai. She did not trust him. That was the real issue here. And Gil wasn’t sure whether she’d loved him at all. Or if she had, it was dead by now, because he’d killed it with his unthinking actions. Trying to see himself through her eyes, he realized he’d really screwed up by telling her not to pay back the money he’d put out on Mariah. That took control away from Kai. Damn, he had gotten so tangled up in his own emotions, the fear of losing her, that he’d lost his usual logic and clarity.
The tears in Kai’s eyes tore at him like nothing else ever would. He had been mentally asking her not to cry out there on the porch. She had come so close…so close. Because, Gil knew, he’d have swept Kai into his arms to hold her if she had started to cry. He couldn’t stand to see a woman or child crying. It did terrible things inside him and he would lose his composure. All he wanted to do was absorb her pain, take it away from her and ease her years of burden and anguish.
They had cried together a number of times during that time together, clinging to each other, their sobs indistinguishable. It always happened after they had made love; as if the orgasms, the climax, exposed their raw human vulnerability. Never once had Gil felt apologetic for crying in Kai’s arms. Each time, after they had wept, they held one another, the quiet descending around them, like healing balm. Then they would go to sleep. And then one or the other would wake up, and they would make hungry love all over again, unable to get enough. Each time better than the last. Each time his heart opening so damn wide he didn’t know it was possible to love Kai as much as he did.
His heart throbbed with silent anguish. If he crowded Kai, confronted her, she’d retaliate. She was a strong woman with a backbone of steel. He knew that because when he’d broken over Rob’s death, it was her who put him back together again. And Gil would be forever grateful for her compassion toward him. He still didn’t know why she’d done it; he was too afraid to ask her. Right now, he needed to treat Kai gently, not lose his composure. Somehow, he was going to have to restrain himself, not keep losing it around her because he so desperately loved her. Every time he tried to stop the erosion between them, it caused the reverse.
Gil knew there was nothing fair in life. He’d blown his chance with Kai four years earlier. Now, it looked like the cosmos was giving him a second chance and he was handling it very poorly. Dragging his arm off from across his eyes, he stared up at the ceiling again, wishing it would speak and give him some good advice on how to get Kai back.
Not that he’d had her in the first place. He never had. The throbbing in his chest never went away. And to see Kai so upset and sad took another pound out of his anguished heart. It wasn’t her fault. It was his.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE LATE JUNE sunlight was bright as Kai pulled the ranch truck into the Ace Trucking terminal. It was a huge, busy place, with uncounted numbers of eighteen-wheelers either arriving or leaving with their cargo from the long, U-shaped docking platform.
Kai knew she wasn’t supposed to be here without someone from the ranch, but it was going to be a quick stop to pick up a few items from the repair shop. She parked in the employee area and hopped out of the truck.
The June weather was in the eighties and she relished the warmth, removing her sunglasses and pushing them up on her baseball cap. Kai quickly took the concrete steps to a door that read Office. She always checked with either the office assistant, Sue, or with Chuck Harper himself, if he was there. Kai felt it was only respectful to let them know she was there and to ask permission to walk through the building to reach the machine shop.
She pushed open the door, a bell tinkling to alert people inside that she’d come in. Sue wasn’t at her desk. Chuck came around the corner and she said, “Hi, Mr. Harper.”
“Chuck,” he said, returning her smile. “Where’s your ranch guy today? Usually you stop in here with one of them in tow,” he teased.
There was nothing to dislike about Harper as far as Kai was concerned. He’d always been nice to her. Today he was dressed in a pair of dark brown trousers, a white pressed shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. “Oh, this is just a quick stop. I just wanted your permission to go the machine shop and buy a few items.”
Chuck nodded. “Sure, you know the way?”
“I do.”
“You look pretty today, Kai.” He gestured and said, “I like your hair in a set of braids.”
Grinning, she said, “It keeps my hair out of the way.” She saw warmth in his eyes and that simmering male interest in her. Gil had been adamant about not trusting the man, but he was easy on her eyes and he was always a gentleman around her.
“Do you ever go riding?” he asked.
“When I get the chance. Why?”
“Well, I was thinking of taking my trail horse up the slopes of one of the Tetons. There’s a beautiful waterfall about halfway up, a real nice place for a picnic. Are you interested? I have a second horse, a nice gelding, you could ride.”
She hesitated. Harper was tall, muscular, and he was a handsome man. From Gwen Garner, who owned the quilt store in town, Kai had found out that he was divorced with no children. “That sounds like fun. Pack a picnic lunch? I can bring my camera. I love taking landscape photos.” She saw him give her a pleased look.
“Sounds perfect. Why don’t I meet you here Saturday morning about nine o’clock at the terminal? We’ll make a day of it. The trail we’ll take is about five miles up into the mountains, pretty steep, but the horses will have no problems negotiating it. Want me to surprise you with a picnic?”
“Sure,” Kai said, liking the idea of being surprised. She really thought Gil had gone overboard in telling her not to trust Harper. Lifting her hand, she said, “I gotta go. I’m on a short turnaround…”
He nodded. “Get going. See you Saturday.”
*
KAI WAS PUTTING the finishing touches on the stock trailer when she saw Gil Hanford walk into the green barn. Since their confrontation two weeks ago, he’d pretty much stayed away from her. Her heart beat a little harder as he rounded the equipment she was working on. She saw wariness in his blue eyes. At least he wasn’t wearing that damned game face she hated so much, the one that made him completely unreadable.
She was kneeling by the axle and stood up, wiping grease from her hands onto a cloth she held.
“How are you doing, Kai?” Gil halted near the stock trailer, putting his hand out on one of the horizontal metal rails. He hungrily absorbed her braids, thinking how girlish it made her look. But that wasn’t a bad thing in his book, it was a good one.
“Great,” she said, trying to sound even and unruffled. Gil always made her body take
off, the memories downloaded, and it drove her crazy. She saw his face was set, but she didn’t pick up any anger around him. Not that Gil was ever angry. Except when they argued. She quickly wiped her hands off and dug into her pocket. “Here,” she said, stepping toward him, thrusting a wad of bills into his hand. “First payment I owe you for buying Mariah.” She saw a muscle leap in his jaw, but his expression didn’t change. Gil was trying as hard as she was to make this a pleasant exchange, not have it deteriorate.
“Fine,” he said, tucking the money into his pocket. “I’ll keep a ledger if you want. It will help you and me keep track.”
“Yes, I’d like that. Thank you.” Kai saw so much in his eyes. There was sadness, most of all. The urge to step forward, slide her arms around his shoulders, startled her. “What did you want?”
“Just came to see what kind of progress you had on the stock trailer, was all.” He moved his chin toward the barn door opening. “Slade McPherson has a bull for sale and Talon wants to buy him. When this trailer is ready to go, we can pick him up.”
“What kind of bull?”
“Hereford. Slade has some of the best breeding lines in the valley.”
“Do we have a pasture with decent fencing to keep him there?” Kai wondered.
“That’s what we’ve been working on for the last couple of weeks—the pasture for the bull. All the rotten posts have been replaced.” He smiled a little. “You’ve had your head down into this equipment and haven’t seen the progress we’ve made.”
That was true. “Which pasture?”
“Talon divided off a hundred acres into one twenty-five acre parcel as a pasture for the bull. The other seventy-five acres will be for cows, once he purchases them.”
Frowning, Kai muttered, “He’d better put up some serious fencing then. I’ve seen bulls plow through five strands of barbed wire to get to the cows like it was nothing.”
Gil nodded. “Yes, I’ve discussed it with him. Talon’s having Cass erect an inner electric fence with enough voltage to make even a bull think twice about trying it. He should have that finished by tomorrow.”
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