The Sooner the Better

by Debbie Macomber

  He’d suspected Ginny was pregnant long before she did….

  By that time he was renting a two-room apartment off campus. His sole piece of furniture had been a worn-out mattress tucked in a corner. What cooking he did was on a hot plate. The lack of material wealth was of little concern to either of them. They were too much in love to care.

  Ginny’s conservative family was shocked by the changes in her when she arrived home for the holidays with him in tow. Her hair was waist-length and her attire consisted of long cotton dresses and sandals. Her parents hadn’t liked him then and liked him even less when they discovered he’d gotten their honor-student daughter pregnant. It didn’t surprise him that her family strongly disapproved of their marrying. One of the things that distressed Thomas most in the years that followed was the rift he’d caused between Ginny and her family.

  They wrote their vows themselves and at Ginny’s insistence found a sympathetic priest who agreed to perform the ceremony. Their lovemaking had been good before they were married, but afterward it was incredible.

  With a wife to support and a baby on the way, Thomas had been forced to drop out of college and find employment. At one time he’d seriously considered medicine as a career, but that had been an unlikely dream from the beginning. He and Ginny both knew that. Besides, the only way he could’ve attended medical school would have been on a scholarship, and his marks had fallen since his involvement with Ginny. Still, he wouldn’t have traded his marriage for even a full-ride scholarship to the best medical school in the country.

  Although they lived in poverty, Thomas and Ginny were blissfully happy. At Lorraine’s birth, he was with Ginny as much as the doctors would allow. It’d been hell not to go into the delivery room with her. When the nurse came out and told him he had a daughter, Thomas broke into tears of joy. His heart had never known that kind of happiness.

  Two days after they brought Lorraine home from the hospital, Thomas walked into a U.S. Army recruiting office and handed over his life to Uncle Sam. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he had no real choice. Little did he realize when he put on that uniform how much he was about to lose.

  The nightmare was about Vietnam. Again and again he relived the day he’d held David Williams in a blood-filled rice paddy and watched him die. He’d been helpless to do anything but scream in anguish.

  He wrote Ginny about David, but words were inadequate to describe his loss. More than a friend had died that day. Part of Thomas Dancy had died, too. The young man he was, the innocent twenty-one-year-old who believed in the power of love and goodness, also bled to death in that rice field. From then on, he was able to kill without conscience.

  He’d gone to war a kid, trying to provide for his family, and returned a killer. It’d taken Ginny’s love to wipe away the ugliness of those long months in Vietnam. Halfway through his tour he’d flown to Hawaii on leave and never returned to the war. He despised what he’d become.

  The army referred to him as a deserter, but Thomas knew that walking away had saved his life. He would have lost his mind if he’d gone back. He’d hidden in San Francisco for a while and Ginny had come to him there, loved him, given him back his sanity. The bitterness and hatred inside him had slowly melted away until he was almost whole again, almost able to put all the horrors he’d seen out of his mind. But he felt a moral obligation to save others from what he’d experienced. Instead of fleeing to Canada as so many before and after him did, he made it his mission to work toward ending the war. He joined an extremist group and made friends with its leader, José Delgado, who had family in Mexico. Because Thomas had some fluency in Spanish after four years of study, José insisted they speak the language when talking about their plans. It had started out as a safety measure and then later become a necessity.

  “Thomas?”

  Reluctantly he turned at the sound of his name.

  “The dream again?” Azucena asked in a low whisper.

  He nodded, not wanting to explain that his thoughts had been of Ginny and the daughter he no longer knew.

  She slipped out of bed and walked to his side, her bare feet silent on the stone floor. “Come back to bed,” she urged in Spanish as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

  “Soon,” he promised, unwilling just yet to let go of the memories.

  “Come,” she enticed once more, splaying her fingers across his chest. “I will help you forget the bad dreams you have.”

  “Azucena…”

  Her response was wordless. She kissed his neck and pressed her heavy breasts against him.

  He needed her then as he’d needed her so many times before. Despite the advanced state of her pregnancy, he kissed her with little gentleness and she responded with a hunger that ignited his own. When he would have stopped, she pulled him to the bed and drew him close.

  Azucena deserved a much better man than he would ever be. She deserved someone who would love her completely for herself. A man who could give his name to the child who grew inside her. It shamed him that she was only two years older than his daughter, but that didn’t stop him from taking everything she offered. In the moment of his release he cried out Ginny’s name. It wasn’t the first time, and he suspected it wouldn’t be the last.

  Lorraine had read the letter so many times she’d memorized it. She’d given up sleeping at her own place and spent the nights at her mother’s house instead. While she stayed there, she slept very little. Exhausted and angry, she sat in the dark living room night after night and tried to make sense of what she’d learned.

  She was vaguely aware that two weeks or so had passed since that afternoon in Dennis Goodwin’s office. Morning dawned and bright light spilled into the room and still Lorraine hadn’t slept. She wasn’t capable of dozing for more than an hour or two. The deep satisfying sleep of those at peace with life seemed forever lost to her.

  The mother she’d known and loved was someone whose existence had virtually disappeared. Virginia—or the person she’d pretended to be—was completely out of reach now. Her actions were beyond Lorraine’s understanding—or forgiveness. Lorraine felt as if the foundation of her entire world had crumbled beneath her.

  Although she knew each word of the letter by heart, she removed it from the envelope and read it once again.

  Dearest Ginny,

  Today is our daughter’s twenty-first birthday. Where did all those years go? It seems only yesterday that I bounced Raine on my knee and sang her to sleep. It hurts to realize how much of her life I’ve missed.

  I know you don’t want to hear this, but I never stopped loving you or needing you. I wish things could have been different for us. All I ask of you now is that you tell Raine the truth about me.

  The decision to tell her I was dead is one we made together. At the time it seemed the right thing to do, but I’ve regretted it every day since. You know that. You also know I’m a man of my word. I’ve done as you wanted and stayed out of your lives, but I’m pleading with you now to tell Raine the truth. All of it. She’s legally an adult and old enough to make her own judgments.

  I’m teaching at a small school in a coastal town called El Mirador on the Yucatán Peninsula. You can reach me by phone at the number on the bottom of the page. The school will make sure I get the message.

  Are you well, Ginny? Do you lie awake at nights and think of me the way I do of you? Are you happy? This is my prayer for you, that you’ve found peace within yourself.

  I’ll always love you.

  Thomas

  Three truths hit Lorraine full force each and every time she read the letter. First and foremost, despite what she’d been told, her father was alive and well. Second, he loved her. Last—and what had the most profound impact on her—her mother had lied to her all these years.

  There was a loud knock at the front door, yanking Lorraine away from her thoughts.

  She wasn’t surprised to find Gary standing on the other side of the screen door. “I figured you’d be here.” He glanced into the livi
ng room and eyed the disarray.

  “What time is it?” she asked, although it was obviously morning.

  “You were due at work an hour ago.”

  “Is it that late already?” she asked. She drifted around the room, picking up books and papers and piling them neatly on a shelf. Anything to avoid looking at him. Anything to delay telling him what she’d decided.

  “I don’t know what to do for you anymore,” he said, raising his palms in a gesture of helplessness. When she didn’t answer, he walked into the kitchen and opened the cupboard, then pulled out a tin of coffee.

  Lorraine followed him.

  “It might be a good idea if you got dressed for work,” he suggested pointedly.

  Rather than argue with him, she did as he asked, taking a quick shower and putting on her uniform, although she had no intention of showing up at the clinic. The scent of freshly brewed coffee greeted her when she returned. Gary handed her a mug and poured himself one.

  “Let’s talk,” he said, motioning for her to sit at the table.

  Once more she complied, because fighting him demanded too much energy.

  He took the chair across from her. “Sweetheart, hard as this is, you’ve got to get on with your life.”

  She didn’t pretend not to know what he was talking about. “I will.”

  “That’s a good start.” He sipped his coffee, then sighed heavily, as if he’d dreaded this confrontation. “You haven’t been yourself ever since that meeting with your mother’s attorney.”

  “I know.”

  He seemed unsure how far to press her. “I realize the letter upset you. It would’ve upset anyone, but you’ve got to come to grips with reality. Sleeping here every night, watching the same movies over and over, isn’t going to help.” He paused and changed tactics. “It’s been a month now, and you haven’t dealt with your mother’s death any better than when it happened.”

  “You’re right, I haven’t,” she agreed, cradling the mug with both hands, letting its warmth seep into her palms. Somehow she managed to go in to work most days, but she’d been late a number of times. Again and again she sat in front of the television and escaped into her favorite movies. Movies her mother had loved, too—romance, adventure, suspense, anything that would take her mind off the lies Virginia had told her. Lies both her parents had conspired in.

  “What do you do here every night?” he asked. “Besides watch Humphrey Bogart and Cary Grant movies.”

  “Do?” It seemed he had only to look around for an answer to that.

  He glanced back into the living room and frowned.

  Lorraine tried to look at the house through his eyes and had to admit its appearance must come as something of a shock. She was as neat and orderly as her mother had been. Both were meticulous housekeepers, yet Lorraine had gone about systematically tearing every room apart. The place was a shambles.

  “What do you hope to prove?” he asked.

  Lorraine was stunned by his lack of comprehension. “I’m not hoping to prove anything. I’m hoping to find what else my mother saw fit to hide from me.”

  He gazed into the distance as if it took some effort to assimilate her words. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you thought about talking to a counselor?” he asked gently. He risked glancing in her direction.

  “You mean a mental-health professional?”

  “Ah…yes.”

  Lorraine burst out laughing. “You think I’ve gone off the deep end? That I’m losing it?” As her laugh turned to a giggle, she wondered if he was right. At times the feeling of betrayal and pain threatened to strangle her. That her parents, particularly her mother, had chosen to lie to her was incomprehensible.

  “I know how difficult this is for you,” Gary added, rushing his words. “I’m trying to understand, and I know the people at Group Wellness are, too, but there’s a limit to just how accommodating everyone can be while you deal with this.”

  “I agree with you.”

  Gary’s eyes revealed his suspicion. “You do?”

  “I’m booking the next month off work.”

  “A month?” She could tell he was taken aback by the news. “That long? I think a week or two should be sufficient, don’t you?”

  “Not for what I have in mind.”

  “I thought we were going to save most of our vacation time for our honeymoon and—” He stopped midsentence and his eyes narrowed. “Have in mind? You have something in mind?”

  “I’m going to see my father.”

  It was a moment before he spoke. “When?”

  “My flight’s scheduled to leave at seven o’clock Tuesday morning.”

  Gary stared at her. “When did you decide this?” His voice was calm, which Lorraine recognized as a sign of anger.

  “Last week.” She’d known when she bought the ticket that Gary would disapprove. It was one of the reasons she hadn’t discussed her plans with him beforehand.

  “I see,” he said in a hurt-little-boy voice. He picked up his mug and took a long swallow.

  “I phoned the school where he teaches and talked to the secretary.” Communication had been difficult, but the woman’s English was far superior to Lorraine’s high-school Spanish.

  Gary’s silence was comment enough, but Lorraine hurried on with the details, hoping to settle this before she left for Mexico. She didn’t want to slight Gary or offend him, but she had to see her father, talk to him face-to-face. She had to find out what had driven him and her mother apart. Why her parents had allowed her to believe he was dead. There had to be a logical explanation for the lie; she prayed there was. Of all the emotions he’d revealed in his letter, the strongest was love, for her and for Virginia. And all these years they’d deprived her of that love. Why?

  “Have you talked to your father?” Gary asked, his voice now devoid of emotion.

  She hesitated before answering, knowing Gary would find fault with this aspect of her plan. “Not directly.”

  “I see.”

  “The phone number is for the school where he teaches.”

  “So you said.”

  “And he was in class when I called,” she continued. Surely that made perfect sense. “I left a message giving my flight information and asking him to meet my plane.”

  “Then he returned your phone call?”

  Again she hesitated. “Not exactly.”

  Gary snorted. “It’s a simple question, Lorraine. Either he returned your call or he didn’t.”

  This conversation had been unsatisfactory almost from the first. “I resent your tone, Gary. I was hoping you’d support me.”

  He released his breath in a long-suffering sigh. “I just wish you’d talked to me about it first.”

  “I’m sorry,” she told him, and she was. “I realize this is unfair to you, but I have to find out what happened between my parents. My father’s alive, and I want a chance to know him—to talk to him, to learn why they felt they had to lie. You can understand that, can’t you?”

  He took his time answering. “Yes,” he admitted with obvious reluctance. “But like I said, I wish you’d included me in this decision. We’re engaged. I would’ve thought you’d want to talk it over with me before you booked the trip.”

  “I’m going to see my father, not quit my job.”

  “Taking a month off has…ramifications,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Our honeymoon time,” he shot back. “Group Wellness isn’t going to give you a month off now and then two more weeks a couple of months down the road.”

  “Five months.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Gary, please. Try to see it from my point of view.”

  “See it from mine.”

  “Darling, I’m sorry,” Lorraine said. “I was hoping you’d understand. I have to do this before I can get on with my life—with our life.”

  Slowly he nodded, as if his agreeing to her trip was a gift. “I still wish you’d told me so I could’ve c
hanged my schedule and joined you.”

  Joined her? Not once had Lorraine considered asking Gary to accompany her. He couldn’t come anyway, she thought with a surge of relief. Not when he was so recently promoted and training his replacement.

  But that wasn’t the real reason, and she knew it. She loved Gary, but she didn’t want him with her. This journey into her family’s past was her adventure, and hers alone.

  Letting Lorraine travel to Mexico by herself had never sat easy with Gary Franklin. He loved his fiancée and realized this was a difficult, unsettling time for her. A measure of his love was his willingness to stand by and watch her fly off on her own. Not only that, he’d offered to drive her to the airport—which meant getting up at 4:00 a.m. He glanced at his watch in the dashboard light. Quarter to five now. They’d discussed this trip countless times since the morning she’d sprung it on him, and he was convinced she was making a mistake. But Lorraine didn’t want to hear that and had stopped listening to him.

  Although his only intent was to protect her, shield her from further hurt, she refused to imagine any outcome other than a joyful reunion with the father she’d never known. He’d long admired Lorraine for her common sense, but she exhibited little of it in this unpleasant matter.

  Gary had liked Virginia, and her death had shaken him, too. He’d respected Lorraine’s mother for her business savvy and the way she worked in what was still largely a man’s world. Furthermore he trusted her judgment. Since she’d chosen to tell Lorraine a lie regarding her father, he figured there had to be a good reason. Gary feared that whatever it was would mean bad news for Lorraine, maybe even heartbreak.

  Besides her unwillingness to listen to his advice, he couldn’t help resenting the fact that she didn’t want him with her. She hadn’t tried to hide it, either, and that hurt.

  He parked the car and collected his thoughts as he approached the house.