Behind the Secrets (Behind the Lives #4)

by Marita A. Hansen

  “You don’t love love them, do you?” the psychiatrist asked.

  “I do love ’em, that’s why I’m fucked in the head. I have a kid on the way, two women after me, even a guy, yet all I want is to disappear so they can’t find me.”

  “If you loved them you wouldn’t want to escape them.”

  “Then if it isn’t love what the hell do I feel for them?!” he yelled, angry with the woman’s pyscho-babble-bullshit. She was as bad as Beth with the mind-fucking. She was supposed to be helping him, not making him feel fucking worse.

  The psychiatrist sat up straight. “As I said: you’re experiencing intense feelings that you’re confusing with love.”

  “You’re fuckin’ with my head, doc, like all the other women I’ve been with. Why can’t one woman not screw with my mind for a change? Cos I’m sick of it. I’m sick of bein’ made to feel everything I say and do is wrong!”

  “I just want you to understand what you’re feeling, otherwise you won’t be able to move on, and I think you do want to move on, you’re just finding it hard to cut your connection with these women.”

  “I just want a break from them, that’s all. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever wanna see ’em again. Just a break so I can work out who I love more, although I can’t now since Beth’s pregnant.”

  I still don’t think it’s love. Infatuation. Lust. Need. Want. Not love.”

  He rubbed his face, willing himself not to yell at her again. “I just wanna leave.”

  “Do you think you’re capable of dealing with Beth and Kara when you get out?”

  “More than you.”

  She shook her head, again looking frustrated with him. “Okay, you can go home,” she said, taking him by surprise. “But think about what I said. I’ll make an appointment for you next week to see how you’re coping.”

  Nodding, he pushed up and went for the door, knowing the next week was going to be a killer.

  3

  Beth

  Beth’s stomach rolled, her morning-sickness still in full swing, even though it was two in the afternoon. But she forced it down, because there was no way she was missing picking up Dante. She’d gotten a phone call from the mental hospital half an hour ago, confirming they were releasing him, Dante having passed his assessment.

  Taking calming breaths, she got out of her pink Volkswagen and headed across the car park to the psyche hospital. It was nothing like the one that Dante’s cousin had been in. It was a private hospital, done in an Art Deco style, with smooth curves and white plasterwork. She knew Jade would only send Dante to the best, the man having more money than he deserved. Though, she was grateful he was using it to help Dante, rather than to pay him for sex. She grimaced, still disturbed that Dante had slept with Jade for money. God, it was just wrong, wrong, wrong! Men shouldn’t kiss other men, let alone have sex with them. It was a sin, something dirty. She shuddered, still furious with Jade for subjecting Dante to that, especially since Dante wasn’t gay and had only done it because he’d been broke.

  Beth pushed through the front door of the psyche hospital, entering a small foyer. A fifty-something woman wearing an apricot-coloured dress was sitting behind a mahogany desk, talking on a phone. Beth stopped in front of her, waiting for the woman to finish.

  The receptionist hung up and smiled at Beth. “How may I help you?”

  “I’m here to collect Dante Rata,” she replied, rubbing her sore stomach.

  The woman indicated to a dark leather couch. “Please take a seat; I’ll let his carer know you’re here.”

  Beth thanked the woman, then walked over and sat down on the comfortable couch. She stared at the door, aching to see Dante again. She wanted to reassure him that she would be there for him, and that she was better for him than his ex, someone who just wouldn’t leave things alone. She frowned, the run-in with Kara last week still irking her. The horrid woman had claimed that Dante had had sex with her on the day of his breakdown. Beth didn’t believe a word, because Kara was clearly lying so she could steal Dante from her—which she wasn’t going to allow.

  A forty-something woman, with long black hair, emerged from the door next to the reception. Dante followed her out, dressed in jeans and a white shirt. He had a dark tattoo around his left eye, the curvy style resembling a Moko—a Maori tribal tattoo. He also had more covering his muscular arms, although those were colourful, with some words thrown in.

  He stopped a few feet away from Beth, combing his fingers nervously through his wavy black hair. He looked tired—and full of demons, his dark eyes filled with worry. It reminded her of when he’d flipped out after she’d told him she was pregnant. But it didn’t mean it was because of her pregnancy.

  Who was she fooling?

  His meltdown was because of that, although she didn’t understand why. He’d never used condoms with her, so she’d assumed he would be happy. But the way he’d acted after she’d broke the news told of a different story.

  The lady with the long black hair smiled at Beth. “Miss Connor, I presume?”

  “Yes.” Beth rose to her feet and shook the woman’s hand.

  “I’m Dante’s psychiatrist. He’s spoken about you on a number of occasions. It’s finally nice to meet you in person.”

  Beth glanced at Dante, hoping he’d said good things about her, although she had a feeling he hadn’t.

  The psychiatrist continued, “I would like Dante to see me twice a week until I’m satisfied he can cope without having another breakdown. I’ve given him new medication, which I trust you’ll make sure he takes.”

  “Yes, I will; thank you.”

  “And thank you for coming to get him. Dante needs as much support as he can get.”

  “I agree.” Smiling, Beth’s attention moved back to Dante.

  He dropped his gaze, causing Beth’s smile to disappear. He was fidgeting, making her wonder if he didn’t want to see her.

  The psychiatrist turned to Dante, reminding him about his Monday appointment, then said her farewells and disappeared through the back doorway. Dante remained looking at the floor.

  “I’m sorry,” Beth said.

  He looked up with a confused expression. “For what?”

  “I caused you to have an episode.”

  “No, that’s all on me.” He walked past her, heading out the front door.

  Beth followed him out of the building. He stopped for a moment, probably looking for her car. “It’s over there,” she said, placing a hand on his back, feeling intensely uncomfortable. The way he was acting was making her stomach turn—and it had nothing to do with her morning-sickness.

  He headed for her Volkswagen, opening the front passenger door as Beth got into the driver’s side. He turned to face the window as she backed out of the parking space, his silence not helping her nervousness. She waited for the traffic to clear, then turned into the road that led to the city, the tall, grey spiky building of the Auckland Sky Tower standing out amongst the CBD’s buildings.

  “I fucked Kara,” Dante said.

  His words made Beth jump in her seat, startling her. Then their meaning sank in, sending Beth’s heart plummeting.

  Still looking out the window, he continued, “I fucked her minutes before you told me you were pregnant. You both kept pressuring me to choose between you, so I chose Kara. I wuz gonna tell you, but you dropped the pregnancy bombshell before I could.”

  Beth stared straight ahead, tears now prickling her eyes, not believing the words coming from his mouth.

  He turned to her. “Aren’t you gonna say sumpthin’?”

  She pulled over to the side of the road, her hands shaking too much to drive. “Why her?” she said in a whisper, barely keeping it together. “Why not me?”

  “You deserve better.”

  She turned to him. “But I want you! I love you!”

  He jolted. “Calm down.”

  “No! I will not calm down. I’m pregnant with your baby; you can’t do this to me.”

  He grimac
ed, guilt colouring his dark eyes. “I’m know, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have chosen Kara.”

  “Why?” she said, now confused, not understanding where he was going with this. Did he want her or not?

  “I should’ve gone to my grandfather’s instead of choosing, because no matter what decision I made, it would’ve been wrong. When I’m with one of you, I want that person, then when I’m with the other I change my mind. It’s fuckin’ with my head, I can’t handle it anymore.”

  “But I’m pregnant with your child!”

  Lowering his gaze, he started picking at his shirt. “Don’t worry, I’ll provide for you and the child.”

  “You can barely provide for yourself.”

  His eyes snapped up, his expression hurt. “Jade’s payin’ me.”

  “To do what exactly?”

  He frowned. “What do ya mean by that?”

  “First you have sex with Kara, then—”

  His face dropped. “I’m not fucking Jade, that wuz purely a one time thing. I wuz desperate to save my car, I told ja that. And he’s payin’ me to sing, nuthin’ more.”

  “Then why can’t you be with me?”

  “Cos you won’t want me after I cheated.”

  “You didn’t cheat; you were dating both me and Kara at the same time, and we both agreed to the arrangement.”

  He opened his mouth, then closed it, looking surprised.

  Beth knew why. The last time she’d thrown a fit when she’d thought he’d slept with Kara while they were exclusive. But he hadn’t then, and although he had this time, she’d learnt her lesson, because there was no way she was letting her temper lose him again.

  She took hold of his hands, relieved he didn’t pull away, although he looked uncertain. Plus, his eyes weren’t right. Drugs. The doctor probably had him hopped up on a cocktail of them. It made sense, because he’d normally be yelling and swearing at this point.

  “I want you, Dante,” she said, looking into his eyes. “I also want our baby to have a father and for the three of us to be a family.”

  “I’ll be a shit dad like I’m a shit boyfriend. I’m not good enough for you. Never have been and never will be.”

  “You’re wrong, Dante. I’m not too good for you; you’re too good for me.”

  He pulled his hands free. “Don’t patronise me.”

  “What?” she said, confused, thinking for once she was doing and saying everything right. “I’m not doin’ that.”

  “You’re talkin’ to me like I’m a small child. You sound exactly like that doctor does.”

  “I don’t mean to; I just want you to understand I love you.”

  “I love you too; I just wish I didn’t love Kara as well. I thought when I fell in love that would be it; that I wouldn’t fall for anyone else. I also thought I would be happy, but I’m not, and when I’m with you and Kara I’m even more unhappy.”

  She stared at him, his words hurting her again.

  He continued, “Even when I’m making love to you or Kara it doesn’t wipe out how I feel. Even worse, every single time I made love to you it wuz after a fight, unlike with Kara. For some reason, you and me have more arguments.”

  “You argue with Kara too, I’ve seen you yell at her. And we had sex at Craven’s without it bein’ after a fight,” she said, instantly wishing she hadn’t mentioned the man, the bastard forcing Dante into porn.

  His jaw clenched. “I don’t remember half of that cos I wuz drugged, and when we got free, both you and Kara wouldn’t leave me alone, constantly fighting over me. I couldn’t even turn around without one of you showin’ up and gettin’ in my face. And no matter how many times I said no to Kara she wouldn’t stop. She continuously threw herself at me, wearing me down until I gave in, like a weak-willed bastard with no balls. While you patronise me, as well as making me feel like a dirty whore. I may be one; I just don’t wanna be reminded every fuckin’ day ’bout it. I don’t put you down and I don’t pressure Kara like she does to me. With the way you two behave, I honestly don’t think either of you truly love me, you just want what you see, not what’s in here,” he said, hitting his chest.

  “No, I do love you, Dante. I really do.”

  “Then why don’t you treat me better?”

  “I don’t treat you badly, and why are you even sayin’ this?”

  “Even though that psychiatrist wuz annoying as fuck, she opened my eyes to the way you and Kara walk all over me. She also said I shouldn’t let you two get away with it.” He grimaced. “The problem is I’m weak when it comes to women; I let my cock rule my world. Maybe I’d be better off if I give up women and stick with Jade.”

  “What?! Don’t say that. You’re not gay.”

  “I wouldn’t have sex with him, I’m not attracted to males, but he supports me, and unlike you and Kara I think he truly loves me. It may be an obsessive love, but he does what’s best for me, not for himself. And when he found out I’d slept with Kara, he didn’t make me feel like I’d fucked up. Instead, he just wanted to make sure I wuz all right.”

  “You still can’t have a relationship with him.”

  “It’ll be platonic, so I can’t see why not.”

  “This can’t be happening; I’m having your baby, Dante – our baby.”

  “Honestly, do you truly wanna be with me?”

  “Yes!”

  “Even after I fucked Kara?”

  She hesitated, but only for a second. “Ye—”

  “Just take me home,” he said, cutting her off.

  “No, I wanna take you to my home.”

  He sniffed. “That would never happen, I hate your cousin.”

  “Then we can get our own place.”

  He leaned his arm against the window, placing his head on his hand. “I don’t know why you’re bothering; I’m not worth the fuckin’ trouble.”

  “You are worth it,” she said, rubbing her stomach.

  He glanced down at it, appearing conflicted. “I will fuck up again, that’s the only certainty you’ll get from me.”

  “Just as long as I get you.”

  “Kara won’t stop tryna get me back.”

  “I won’t either, so please, just consider what I’ve said, you owe me that much.”

  He turned to face forward. “If I do this, I can’t see Kara at all. She’s too aggressive; she knows how to twist me around her finger.”

  “Then we can move to a place she doesn’t know about.”

  He shook his head. “No, I have a deal with Jade, I can’t break it.”

  “Then put a restraining order on her.”

  “It’ll be a waste of time, like the last time.”

  “The last time?”

  “I put one on her a few years back.”

  “Really? Why? What the hell happened?”

  “One of my exes lied to her ’bout sleeping with me. Unfortunately, Kara believed the lying ho bag and did her nut at me. I lost my temper and tossed her shit outta my house, telling her to fuck off. In retaliation, she took a sledgehammer to my car, so I put a restraining order on her. She totally and utterly ignored it and wuz back in my bed by the end of the week—right after she set fire to my ex’s house. Luckily the cops couldn’t prove she did it.” He smiled, looking like he was thinking fondly of the bitch.

  Beth barrelled ahead, not wanting to talk about the horrid woman. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

  “No, I needa be alone for a few days, doc’s orders, cos if I flip out again she’ll make me stay longer the next time. Plus, all I wanna do is sleep. She’s given me drugs that are exhausting me.”

  “Then she should give you different ones.”

  “No, I needa sleep and she’ll change them next week.”

  “Okay, then I’ll just stay for dinner.”

  “You can’t, Jade has a musician coming over. He doesn’t want anyone but me home. Just drop me off.”

  “Can I come over tomorrow, then?” she asked, starting up the car.

  “’Kay.” He
glanced at her. “Are you absolutely certain you want me?”

  “Yes,” she said, and this time she wasn’t going to let Kara take her man away from her—ever again.

  4

  Saul

  Saul flicked through the files on Ant Torres’s case, finding it hard to concentrate, the run-in with Beth affecting him. She’d looked at him with fear, something he hated seeing on her face, although he couldn’t blame her. He shoved the files aside and placed his elbows on his desk, resting his head in his hands. He’d gone into the Craven and Torres job with good intentions, yet had ended up being as bad as the criminals he’d taken down. Every little thing he’d done as Craven’s right-hand man had eaten away at him, wearing his idealism down until it what nothing but a pile of shit. He’d killed people under Craven’s orders, beaten them, tortured them ... like he’d been tortured. But he hadn’t been ordered to assault Beth ... that had been purely his own doing, lust getting the better of him.

  He looked up at the computer screen and opened the file on Beth. A picture of a twenty-something Cook Island Maori woman appeared. She had long black hair, tanned skin, hazel eyes, model-perfect features... She was the epitome of his taste in women, minus her dumbfuck personality. Not only was she irritatingly stupid, she gave off mixed signals, ones that had fooled him into believing she’d wanted him. But she didn’t, she wanted Dante Rata, a man-whore, who would probably end up cheating on her, which the stupid woman deserved. While Saul deserved to go to jail for what he’d done to her. He hadn’t meant to assault her. Again, the woman confused the shit out of him. Maybe she’d just found him attractive, which was why he’d misread her. When it came to women, he usually misread them, often confusing attraction for something more. And he always chose to go after the wrong woman. If there were two attractive women standing in front of him, one a bitch, the other nice, nine times out of ten he’d end up with the bitch. He swore, just wanting to find one woman who didn’t scream at him or dry up his credit cards. But he knew if a bitch walked in, looking fine as hell, he’d probably still go after her, no matter how much he knew it would end badly.