Back to the Pilliga

by Tony Parsons

  So I felt very ambivalent when I did end up returning to Kamilaroi after school. I loved many aspects of the life, and there were things about living on a big property that couldn’t be replicated elsewhere, like the way the property came to life at shearing time and at harvesting. It was great to look at the big bins of wool in the shearing shed to assess whether the clip was better or worse than in previous years. I always found mustering a joy too, especially with a good casting paddock dog. Working with a new horse was also exciting. We bred our own horses at Kamilaroi and they were handled by a local horse breaker. There was usually a bit of ginger in the young horses even after they’d been broken in so they took handling for a while. I particularly enjoyed the days when the ram buyers came to inspect the rams and they’d discuss spinning quality, colour and cut. The bull buyers spent more money on individual animals but there was less passion in their selections.

  At weekends I played cricket for the district side, which I loved doing. I had been well coached at boarding school and I’d been the opening batsman in a strong team which had attracted the attention of local cricket clubs. I was disappointed to have to turn down invitations to play for a couple of Sydney grade sides when I left school.

  A particularly enjoyable aspect of returning to Kamilaroi after spending six years at an all-male boarding school was spending more time with women. I especially enjoyed seeing the Cameron sisters, Sheila and Fiona (Flora’s childhood skinny-dipping mate), whom I’d known for most of my life. Though both lived in Sydney, they came home regularly during term breaks and holidays.

  Fiona, who had always excelled at school, was studying medicine at Sydney University. Sheila, two years younger than Fiona, was nursing at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital in Camperdown. Whenever they came home I saw a lot of both of them because Sheila, in particular, was very close to Flora and we often got together at the pub for a drink. Both sisters were attractive looking women with appealing personalities. Fiona had a very lively intelligence, a strong personality and was very forthright in her opinions. Though also clever, Sheila had no desire to push her point of view on to others and though very warm and inquiring was a little overshadowed by Fiona’s charisma.

  For a year or more I enjoyed spending time with both Fiona and Sheila whenever they were back in the district. Then, one night when I drove Fiona home it just so happened that her parents were away in Sydney and we had the place to ourselves. Fiona took me by the hand, led me into her bedroom and began taking off her clothes. The last time I’d seen her without clothes was the day Stuart had snitched on us for skinny dipping in the creek and naturally she looked radically different now.

  After we’d kissed for a while I told Fiona I didn’t have a condom.

  ‘That’s all right. I’ve had a diaphragm fitted,’ she told me.

  Sex with Fiona was a complete revelation, despite my inexperience. Fiona and I went on to have sex twice more that evening and by the end of the night I was totally smitten with her.

  The Pilliga Scrub was to come in very handy around this time because it wasn’t easy to get away from Kamilaroi or to find suitable places for our trysts. There was such a vast area of it and it was so thickly covered with timber that you could go to places where there was no danger of prying eyes while you made love. Despite Fiona’s expensive upbringing she had no hesitation in disrobing and having sex among the pines. She knew far more about sex than me and was always encouraging me to try some new technique. Looking back on it now it’s amazing that I never wondered at the apparent depth of Fiona’s sexual experience.

  Flora, who was never afraid to call a spade a shovel, asked me how I was getting on with Fiona. I told her I was getting on very well and that it was highly likely that we’d get engaged some time during the year.

  ‘I’d have a good long think about that, Lachie. If you want my opinion you’d be wiser to concentrate on Sheila than Fiona,’ said Flora.

  I looked at her in amazement. ‘Why do you say that?’ I asked.

  ‘Because you and I have known each other since we were kids, and I’ve grown up with Fiona. She’s very ambitious and wants to become a medical specialist. She’s unlikely to want to come back here to be a grazier’s wife and I can’t see her fitting in with what you want. I don’t want either of you to be unhappy, Lachie, and I think you will be if you marry each other,’ said Flora.

  When I remained silent, though clearly uncomfortable, Flora continued.

  ‘Fiona has always got everything she wanted. She starred at whatever sports she chose and excelled academically. She went out with the captain of the First Eleven when she was at school and her first boyfriend at university was one of her lecturers, an associate professor. You’re the shining star of the district, Lachie. You’re the top local cricketer, you’re from a wealthy family, you’re bright and handsome and well liked. I know of at least ten women who think you’re terrific and would love to marry you. Fiona definitely cares for and is attracted to you, but the fact that you’re so sought after is at least part of your attraction for her. It’s Fiona all over,’ she said.

  ‘Why do you say that?’ I asked.

  ‘I know Fiona so well,’ she said. ‘I’m sure you’re thoroughly enjoying yourselves but what’s going to happen when Fiona goes back to university? She’ll expect to see you fairly regularly. And you know what Father is like and he won’t like you skipping off to spend time in Sydney.’

  ‘I’m not sure I want to be tied to Kamilaroi forever,’ I said, annoyed. ‘Father can’t just assume I’ll devote my entire life to it. Sons have girlfriends who they want to see. I’ll sort that out,’ I said.

  ‘Having a fling with Fiona is one thing but marrying her is quite another. She has no intention of having children early in her career if at all. Have you discussed this with her?’ she asked.

  ‘It’s a bit early to be talking about kids,’ I said, though I’d always envisaged having some.

  ‘Lachie, I know Fiona. You only think you know her. You’re certainly not taking the long view – or even the short view for that matter. Where do you plan to live if you marry Fiona? There’s no way she’ll want to come back to Coonabarabran permanently to be a country GP,’ said Flora.

  ‘You know that for a fact, do you?’ I asked.

  ‘I know that when Fi finishes medicine she wants to do a postgraduate degree so she can specialise. She might come back here occasionally to see her Mum and Dad but she definitely won’t be living here. Have you discussed this stuff at all?’ Flora asked.

  ‘Not so we could nail anything down,’ I admitted. ‘The fact of the matter is that I’m not sure I want to stay here either. I like working on the land well enough but Father and Stuart are hard to stomach and the tension at home is really getting to me at the moment. You know what it’s like.’

  ‘What would you do if you left Kamilaroi?’ Flora asked.

  ‘I’ve thought about joining the police force. One of my friends from school became a cop and he reckons if you’re good at sport they give you plenty of time off to play. I’m not saying I’d want to become a cop forever but it might be all right for a few years,’ I said.

  ‘The police force? What does Fiona think about that?’ Flora asked.

  ‘Fiona thinks I should go to university but there’s nothing there that really appeals to me. And I wouldn’t want to be in a boring nine to five job. If I decided to go into the police force I’m sure she’d accept the idea,’ I said.

  Flora looked at me dubiously. ‘I wouldn’t count on it, Lachie. If you join the police force you could get posted to Woop Woop for some time and you’d be separated from Fiona. That isn’t a great recipe for a successful marriage. You’ve always got on so well with Sheila and ultimately you’re much better suited to each other. Also, she wants to come back here and, with nurses being so much in demand, she could probably get a position at Coona hospital so you’d have extra income. But I assure you that Fiona won’t be coming back here for any length of time.’

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p; I was having too good a time with Fiona to take Flora seriously. Fiona and I went everywhere together and we were having a lot of fun. There were parties, barbecues, swimming excursions, polocrosse tournaments and picnic races and then there was Fiona and all that she offered. I had never enjoyed life so much.

  We both realised that the university holidays were quickly coming to an end and Fiona would have to head back soon but we pushed that into the background and when it happened, it happened.

  I felt very down in the dumps when Fiona drove away. I’d have felt much worse if I hadn’t been kept so busy on the property. Quite apart from all the usual jobs, I’d taken on just about all of the tractor work. I was my own boss in the cabin of the tractor and able to keep right away from my father and Stuart. Although most of Kamilaroi country was on the light side and didn’t produce big yields of wheat, it was very good oats country and we grew a lot of oats. Some we utilised for grazing, especially for ewes with lambs, and cows with calves, and some we stored in our silos. The tractor work took up a lot of time and we had all the work associated with having over 30,000 sheep, 1000 head of breeding cows, bred our own stock horses and Father raced a couple of thoroughbreds.

  There weren’t many spare moments to think because there were always ram and bull buyers to look after. In the days when labour was less expensive we’d done all the lamb-marking and mulesing ourselves but now we brought in a team of casuals to do these tasks. This lightened the load considerably but we still had plenty to do. It was a source of great satisfaction to Father that he could work Kamilaroi for most of the time with members of his own family – and Kenneth was a great help when he was home from school.

  I loved Kamilaroi and I would have loved it even more if I hadn’t had to put up with Father and Stuart. I suppose that was what made Fiona even more attractive, the contrast between someone so agreeable and two men who weren’t. In fact all the women I knew rated very highly in my life. Quite apart from Fiona there was Mum and then there was Flora and Sheila. These women, like so many of their sex, managed the really important building blocks of life, uppermost of which was family. If it hadn’t been for my brother Kenneth I would have been thoroughly disappointed with the men of my family.

  CHAPTER 3

  I stuck it out at Kamilaroi for four years after school, during which Stuart, to my amazement, met and married a lovely woman called Nicole, who was half-French and had a kind of sultry beauty. Nicole was modelling at a fashion show when Stuart met her and it wasn’t long before they decided to get married. Looking back, I wonder if Nicole weighed up her future as a model in the very competitive world of fashion against the security marrying Stuart offered. Also, despite lacking a bit of height, Stuart was quite dashing back then.

  Unfortunately marriage – even to such an attractive and likeable woman as Nicole – didn’t improve Stuart. Like my father, he continued to get people offside by talking down to them.

  I was very proud of my younger brother, Kenneth, and we got on like a house on fire. As well as being naturally academic, he’d worked hard at school, and was an extremely promising cricketer. Whenever he came home during the summer break we spent countless hours practising cricket together. An all rounder, he was an excellent pace bowler and a handy batsman.

  By the time Kenneth finished school, Flora had already met and married a great bloke called Laurie Stratton and they’d bought a house in town. Stuart and Nicole had also married and had their own place about half a mile from the old Kamilaroi homestead. As Mum had hoped, Kenneth had got the marks to enrol in vet science but came home for the summer holidays before uni started. Because he was such a good bowler our cricket coach got him to come along to practice sessions and bowl to us in the nets. Within days of him coming along for the first time the blokes in the team had dubbed him ‘the kid’ and he was considered one of us. Naturally, he was crazy keen to come and watch us when we made it into the final of the area cricket competition.

  Unhappy at the amount of time Kenneth and I were spending playing and practising cricket, on the night before the final Father insisted that Kenneth get the sheep in the shed for crutching before he was allowed to head into town to watch the cricket.

  Father set off early on the morning of the final, having made an appointment to look at some rams at a stud near Coolah, and Kenneth decided he’d come and watch the final before heading home to round up the sheep. By mid-afternoon I was on 73 not out and we needed another 100 runs to win. Kenneth stayed and stayed, unable to drag himself away, given the excitement and suspense. When Father arrived home to find that Kenneth wasn’t there and the sheep hadn’t been brought into the yards, he was furious. He rang the club, and got someone to summons Kenneth to the phone before tearing strips off him, shouting at him to get himself home and do the job he’d been instructed to do.

  I was still batting when Kenneth tore off home on one of the Kamilaroi bikes. After winning the final for the first time in several years we were all celebrating with a beer when my captain was called to the phone. When he came back he took me aside and told me that Kenneth had been killed in an accident. The police later told me that Kenneth must have been going flat strap to have been thrown the distance he was when his bike hit a ’roo. They assured me he would have died instantly.

  The reality of Kenneth’s death hit everyone in our family hard, but particularly me and Mum. Kenneth had been Mum’s youngest and they’d shared a particular love of and empathy for animals. He’d always been able to make her laugh and she’d always maintained a soft spot for him. For me, Kenneth had been my mate and we’d shared a love of playing, watching and talking about sport, and we’d always hoped to play cricket together one day. I was absolutely devastated that he’d died needlessly as a result of our father’s inflexibility.

  When I got home the day Kenneth died everyone was there – my father and mother, Stuart and Nicole, and Flora – who had rushed out to Kamilaroi when Nicole phoned her with the terrible news.

  Mum and Flora and I hugged and cried together for a long time, unable to believe we’d never see Kenneth grow up and fulfil his potential. And though I knew my father hadn’t meant to cause Kenneth’s death and must have been feeling guilty and grief-stricken, I was so angry and anguished I just lost it with him, hitting him with the full force of my fury, telling him I’d never forgive him for Kenneth’s death. I raged at him about his inflexibility and how his need to play the big strict Father had contributed to Kenneth’s death. Every time he attempted to say something I told him to shut his face.

  ‘You can’t talk to Father like that,’ Stuart said at some stage.

  ‘You shut your face too,’ I snarled, before proceeding to tell him precisely what I thought of him. ‘I’ve hung on here for Mum’s sake but the thought of staying here and working any longer with you and Father after this is more than I can stomach. This is the stone cold finish. You can have your precious Kamilaroi. I’m leaving.’

  ‘Lachie, you should wait until you’ve cooled down before you make such a huge decision,’ said Flora.

  ‘Yes and I don’t see how you can blame Father for Kenneth’s death. He was asked to do a job and he wasn’t here to do it,’ said Stuart.

  ‘You miserable apology for a man. You’ve crawled to Father ever since you first opened your eyes and you’re still crawling to him. You both knew how keen Kenneth was to watch the final and neither of you offered to bring in the sheep for him. Some father, some brother. You’re welcome to each other. I’m packing a bag and then I’m leaving. I’m so sorry, Mum, I wish I could stay longer because of you but I just can’t do it anymore after all this.’

  With that, I stormed out of the room, walked to my bedroom and started to throw some clothes into one of my old school bags. Mum came into the room soon after and, without saying anything, helped me pack.

  When we’d finished, Mum and I hugged and cried some more. I apologised to her that I was leaving, saying, ‘You’re a bottler, Mum, but I’ve got to go.’


  ‘I understand, Lachie . . .’ Mum said, with tears running down her cheeks.

  ‘I’ll be there for you at the funeral, Mum,’ I said, kissing and hugging her before leaving.

  When I got outside, Flora was standing beside my ute.

  ‘You’d better come and stay with Laurie and me until the funeral is sorted out. You’re not fit company to be with anyone else right now,’ she said.

  That was Flora. She was a true blue woman and she could handle me better than any other woman I’d ever met. Laurie was an accountant who hadn’t known much about the land when they met but was awfully good at figures. Flora soon schooled him in the ways of the land. They hadn’t been married long and still had stars in their eyes for each other. I’d always expected Flora to marry a bloke on the land but I didn’t have any qualms about Laurie. He was a very decent and likeable bloke and I’d got on very well with him right from the start.

  ‘Thanks, Flora,’ I said. ‘Let’s go before I do something I’ll be sorry for later.’

  CHAPTER 4

  Kenneth’s funeral was a grim affair with a huge number of mourners in attendance to pay their respects. Kenneth had been one of the most popular young fellows in the district and his death, and the manner of it, was seen as a terrible tragedy. Given the entire cricket team knew about the lead-up to his death, it wasn’t long before most of the district were aware Kenneth had been killed while hurrying home to obey my Father’s angry instructions. Because of this the sympathy extended towards my father was muted compared to the outpouring of support for my mother who was so well liked.

  Father arrived at the funeral looking so ashen-faced and bereft that it was hard not to feel sorry for him. Mum was distraught throughout the funeral and Flora and I needed to support her to keep standing at times. Stuart looked stunned and Nicole cried a lot because she’d been very fond of Kenneth. Fiona, who had rushed up for the funeral, held my arm throughout the service and her presence and support was a great comfort to me. In fact, if it hadn’t been for her and Flora I don’t think I’d have got through the funeral. It was very tough for me to get through the eulogy because every word struck at my heart but when I sat down she squeezed my hand, kissed me and said Kenneth would have loved what I’d said about him. Looking back, Kenneth’s death was the lowest point of my life.