Facing the Light

by Adele Geras

  She hadn’t realized that Leonora had so many friends and acquaintances. Nearly seventy people were coming to the party tomorrow and on top of that there were all these things from those who for one reason or another couldn’t make it. Their cards said things like ‘To dear Leonora, wishing you many more happy years’, or ‘With great affection’, and some of the gifts were worth displaying. There was an antique bon-bon dish, luxurious soaps and talcum powders, handmade chocolates, and extremely expensive pot-pourri. Someone had sent fur-lined slippers, too, and Leonora would pretend not to love those, protesting that they were the height of oldladyishness, but Beth knew she’d wear them every night. Another person had sent a special tray mounted on a cushion that settled round your knees as you watched television, but whoever it was clearly didn’t know Leonora at all well. She’d never eaten a meal in front of the television in her whole life and wouldn’t dream of falling into such lax ways merely because she was seventy-five. Beth smiled and stood up to take the first batch of gifts into the hall.

  The tree that Chloë had created there was like something out of a fairy tale. Beth found Douggie and Fiona looking at it, entranced. As she approached them, the front door opened and Gwen came in from the garden. She was carrying a bucket full of flowers for the vases waiting in the scullery.

  ‘You’re going to catch flies in your mouth, Douggie darling,’ she said, ‘if you keep it open like that.’

  The little boy took no notice at all, and Fiona laughed. ‘You can’t really blame him,’ she said. ‘It’s the most beautiful tree I’ve ever seen.’

  ‘It is lovely, isn’t it?’ Gwen said. ‘I’m so pleased Chloë thought of it. It’ll be quite a talking point, I’m sure.’

  Beth suddenly realized that the trunk of the birthday-present tree was the old hatstand that had been thrown out into the shed by Leonora years ago on the grounds that hardly anyone wore hats these days and even if they did, most people weren’t tall enough to reach the hooks on a piece of furniture which seemed to have been designed for giants. Efe used to like to use it in all sorts of pretend games when they were younger – as a barrier, or a cannon of some kind, or even, she now remembered, as a tree. He’d tied her up to it once when it was raining and they couldn’t go out into the garden.

  She looked carefully to see how Chloë had achieved her effects. There were handmade bows of tinfoil tied among the willow leaves, and these alternated with thin ribbons of gold tape, hanging down like small tassels. It really is, Beth thought, like something out of a dream. The metallic decorations caught every bit of light, sparkling and glittering and making tiny tinkling sounds as they moved in the air. Leonora would be overwhelmed, Beth was sure of it, and the guests would love it. Sean would almost certainly want a shot of it in the film.

  ‘I’m going to do the flowers for the house now,’ Gwen said, and then caught sight of the tray that Beth was putting down on the floor. ‘I see you’re all busy with the arrangement of the presents.’

  ‘What’re we going to do about our presents, Gwen? Are they going under the tree as well?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so. Mother’s going to open them tonight of course, quite separately from all the others. It looks as though you’ve got quite enough to go under the tree without worrying about the family presents as well.’

  ‘Okay,’ Beth said. She started to take the gifts one by one off the tray and caught sight of Douggie out of the corner of her eye, staring longingly at her. ‘Would you like to help me, Douggie? Give me a hand with putting the presents under the tree?’

  Douggie nodded solemnly and Fiona said, ‘That’ll be fun, won’t it, Douggie? Only you’ll have to be extra careful, won’t you? Here, I’ll help you give them to Beth and she’ll put them all in their proper places.’

  ‘It’s going to look amazing,’ Gwen said. ‘I’d better get on with my flower arrangement.’

  Beth wondered where Efe was, and how Leonora’s revelations had affected him. Where was he now? Maybe Fiona would know. She said, ‘Where is everyone? Have you any idea?’

  ‘Carefully, Douglet,’ said Fiona in the rather silly voice she often adopted to talk to her child. ‘Give them to Beth and let her put them down. It would be so awful if anything got broken. That’s right.’ She turned to Beth. ‘I’ve no idea where they’ve all got to. Alex went into the garden. Chloë and Philip were up in the nursery but I don’t know where they are now and Rilla’s in her room, I think.’

  No mention of Efe. Beth said nothing and turned her attention to placing Leonora’s birthday presents in the sort of arrangement that you sometimes saw in shop windows at Christmas, where parcels were artistically disposed under the decorated branches. She said, ‘There are going to be so many presents, aren’t there? No one’s going to arrive empty-handed, are they?’

  ‘Hello, ladies!’ said a voice, and Efe crossed the hall, picked Douggie up and kissed him. ‘What are you doing and can anyone join in?’

  ‘Of course, darling,’ said Fiona. ‘We’d love you to join in, wouldn’t we, Beth?’

  Beth nodded. Efe, quite amazingly, considering the state he’d been in while they were in the conservatory, looked altogether nonchalant, and she marvelled at his ability to hide his true feelings. Surely he hadn’t been completely unaffected? He was wearing a khaki T-shirt and khaki trousers with rather more pockets than were strictly necessary.

  ‘I’ve been helping Dad in the marquee. It looks great. Really excellent. Have you seen it, Beth?’

  ‘No, not yet. Douggie, bring that bottle you’re holding back here right this minute, please. I need it to go on this little pile.’

  Douggie trotted obediently over to her and Beth took it from him and put it down before any harm could come to it.

  ‘I see you’re being about as useful as a chocolate teapot, beloved,’ Efe said, looking directly at his wife, Beth noted with a shock, for the very first time since he had come in. He was smiling as he spoke and Beth felt suddenly furious with him. However troubled he was, there was no excuse for him to be so unkind. He was clever, too. If Fiona objected, he’d say at once that he was joking. That light tone allowed him to insult her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. Beth was wondering whether she should say something herself and if so, what it should be exactly, when Efe spoke again. This time, he addressed his remarks to Beth.

  ‘My wife is very silly, Beth. I’m married to a moron. That sounds like a movie title, doesn’t it?’

  Fiona had tears in her eyes. Beth looked at Efe and opened her mouth, about to say something, when she saw that Alex had come in and was standing silently beside the door. He said, ‘Apologize, Efe. That’s an insult to your wife and if you weren’t my brother I’d hit you. I might hit you anyway. Take it back. Now.’

  Efe smiled. ‘Oh, right. You’ve become some kind of knight errant, have you, Alex? A bit late in the day, isn’t it, to morph from Wimp Number One into Bruce Willis? Having kept your mouth shut your whole life, don’t you think this is none of your business?’

  ‘It is my business. You think you can get away with everything. That’s your problem.’

  ‘Oh, fuck off, Alex. You’re boring, d’you know that?’

  Fiona said, ‘Douggie, come on now. We’ll go and find the kitty.’ She picked her son up in her arms and left the room, almost running, frantic in her haste to get away from there. Beth followed her, wanting to see what Alex would do next, but knowing that someone had to look after Fiona. By the time she’d left the hall, though, there was no sign of her, and Beth sighed. She positioned herself in a part of the corridor which she knew wasn’t visible from where Efe and Alex were standing, even though she could see them both perfectly well.

  ‘You are a fucking arrogant bastard!’ Alex shouted, and before Beth knew what was happening he had gone right up to his brother and punched him in the face. He caught Efe by surprise, so that he stumbled back for a moment against the banisters, but he recovered quickly and hit out at Alex, almost reflexively, and
his fist connected with the corner of Alex’s mouth. Efe was pale with fury. ‘Shit, man, what’s got into you?’ he shouted. ‘Lay off, will you?’

  ‘Apologize, then. Go on. Go and find Fiona and say you’re sorry.’

  Efe scowled. ‘What I say to my wife is none of your damn business.’

  ‘I don’t care. Say you’re going to apologize or I’ll hit you again. Harder this time.’

  ‘Ooh, I’m scared,’ Efe said, in the voice he had always used when they were children specifically to tease Alex. ‘Okay, okay, I’ll apologize, Okay? I will. When I see her.’

  He stalked away towards the staircase and took the steps two at a time. When Beth saw that he was safely upstairs, she came out of her hiding place and went over to Alex, who was leaning against the doorframe, touching his bottom lip, which was already swollen.

  ‘You didn’t see that, did you? Could’ve been worse,’ he said to Beth. ‘One of us could have landed on all those dainty presents and crushed every piece of glass and china. Look on the bright side.’

  ‘Let me see how badly you’re hurt, Alex.’

  ‘I’m not hurt at all.’

  ‘Yes, you are. You’re going to have a huge lip and a bruise.’

  ‘It was worth it, though.’ Alex grinned suddenly. ‘I haven’t had a fight with Efe for years. Can’t remember the last time, actually. I always avoided it as a kid. Scared of getting flattened, I guess.’

  ‘That wasn’t the only reason,’ Beth said. ‘You mostly agreed with every word Efe said.’

  ‘I suppose so. So did you, though. Go on, admit it.’

  ‘I admit it. Come into the kitchen and I’ll fix you up.’

  ‘Do I need fixing?’ Alex said, but he followed her willingly enough and sat down at the kitchen table.

  ‘You do a little. You’ve got a bit of a cut. It’s not bleeding much, but still, I’d better mop it up. I’ve never done this before but I do know you have to have tea with sugar in it for the shock.’

  ‘I hate sugary tea. Give me a Coke instead. That’s full of sugar. In the fridge.’

  ‘Times have changed,’ Beth said. ‘Leonora wouldn’t have given house room to a fizzy drink in the old days.’

  ‘My dad’s been working on her, I believe. She’s quite fond of rum and Coke on a hot day, it seems.’

  ‘Wonders never cease.’ Beth put the glass down on the table and went to find a clean tea-towel. She turned on the cold tap and wet a corner of the towel, then wrung it out as hard as she could.

  ‘Okay, don’t move,’ she said, leaning over Alex, who turned his face to her. His eyes were shut and he looked suddenly, ridiculously, vulnerable. Because he was a little younger than she was, she always thought of him as needing care, but now for the first time ever she saw him as her equal. A man. She noticed the blue veins in his eyelids. She could smell his hair, and his skin. The sore lip was swollen and cut and one side of Alex’s lower face was already showing bruising. There was something turning over in her stomach, a kind of fluttering, like the feeling you might have before going on stage. A sort of thrilled nervousness she hadn’t felt in Alex’s company before. What was wrong with her? Everything she was used to feeling, all her preconceptions, were being subjected to something like an earthquake. She was meant to be in love with Efe, wasn’t she? So why was being so close to Alex having this effect on her? She felt hot and cold at once and closed her eyes because she thought that if she didn’t she might faint. Above all, she knew that what she was feeling now was true. It had nothing to do with fantasy or imagination or dreams. Beth was almost overcome by a fierce desire to kiss Alex, to comfort him by wrapping her arms around his shoulders, but hesitated in case she was wrong about how he felt.

  ‘Beth?’ he whispered.

  ‘Mmm,’ she said. She couldn’t speak his name in case her voice wobbled or gave away her feelings somehow. Everything she had previously felt, everything she’d believed for so long, all her emotions and desires, were like the translucent, brilliantly coloured pieces in a kaleidoscope, and having Alex so close to her was shaking and rearranging them into strange shapes she didn’t recognize. She lost all sense of who she was, where she was. There was nothing in her whole world but this mouth, which was on hers before she could find a word to say that might stop it, and her own lips were opening and she closed her eyes against the light and the heat that was running through her veins.

  ‘Alex,’ she murmured. ‘Oh, Alex …’

  ‘Don’t say anything,’ Alex whispered. ‘Kiss me again.’

  He stood up then, and put his arms around her. Beth could feel everything changing. Nothing would be the same again. This … this person who was kissing her was not the one she’d always known.

  ‘Alex,’ she said. ‘What’s happened? What’s happened to us?’

  ‘It’s me,’ Alex said. ‘Something’s happened to me. I’ve been stupid and slow and haven’t admitted it to myself.’

  ‘What? What haven’t you admitted?’

  ‘That I love you. I think I always have, only there was Efe and I could see how you felt about him, and I didn’t want … I couldn’t … oh, Beth, you know what I’m saying. I didn’t think you’d ever, you know, be able to feel the way I want you to feel.’

  ‘I didn’t think I could either,’ Beth smiled. ‘But that was because Efe was dazzling me. I wasn’t seeing or feeling anything properly.’

  Alex stroked her hair, pushing it back from her forehead. ‘And you were right, I was jealous. You noticed it, remember? On the way to see Nanny Mouse. When I thought of the two of you together, you and Efe, I became quite unlike myself: murderous, suicidal, pathetic. Just jealous, I suppose.’

  ‘You don’t have to be any longer, Alex. I promise.’ She stood on tiptoe to kiss him and then drew back, leaning away from him a little, breathless from the force of what she had begun to feel.

  ‘Alex, we can’t,’ she said. ‘Not here. Anyone could come in.’

  He sat down shakily on the kitchen chair again and grinned at her, and at that moment the kitchen door opened and there was Rilla.

  ‘What’s going on, darlings?’ she said, coming in and sitting down immediately next to Alex. ‘I saw Efe just now looking like a thundercloud. Have you two been fighting? Whatever about? Tell all, go on. Alex, sweetie pie, what has happened to your lip?’

  ‘It wasn’t anything, Rilla, honestly,’ Alex said weakly.

  ‘Nonsense, of course it was.’ She turned to Beth and gave her a smile. ‘Could I ask you to get me a Coke, Beth? Thanks, darling. Alex’s looks delicious. And I wouldn’t say no to a biscuit, either, if you’d pass that tin from the dresser. I can’t possibly last until dinner.’

  Beth went to get Rilla’s drink and put the biscuit tin in front of her.

  ‘I’ll leave you two to it,’ she said. ‘I’m going out for a bit of fresh air.’

  She knew as she stepped out into the Peter Rabbit garden that Alex would have given anything to come with her, to be rescued from Rilla’s interrogation, but she wanted to be on her own.

  She needed to think. She needed to think about Efe, because every single thing she’d thought about him before this weekend had changed. And now, because of Alex and what had just happened, even the strongest of her sensations, the physical attraction that often made her breathless and incoherent, had changed. It was as though by kissing her like that, Alex had woken her up, made her aware of him for the first time.

  For about thirty seconds, Beth wondered whether this was what was known as the rebound. Whether she was making do with second-best because she had accepted that she couldn’t have Efe, and even as she thought it she knew it wasn’t true. This new emotion, this revelation, had nothing whatsoever to do with Efe and what she had once felt for him.

  Oh, God, what a lot of time I’ve wasted, Beth thought. I could have saved myself so much anguish. So much unhappiness. I could have been spared loving Efe altogether if I’d had any sense. I never noticed Alex before because I wasn’t looking prope
rly. She sat down on the bench near the shed, which was out of sight of the house, and let the late afternoon sun fall on her face.

  December 1998

  Beth sat quietly in front of the enormous three-sided mirror in the spare bedroom of the McVie house, having her hair arranged by Jules, Fiona’s hairdresser. The other bridesmaid, Fiona’s cousin Rowan, waited for her turn wearing a satin dressing-gown that looked as though it had cost more than a month’s salary. December was a ridiculous time for a wedding. Efe was marrying Fiona McVie this afternoon, less than a week before Christmas. The happy couple were leaving tonight on a skiing honeymoon, and Beth could hardly bring herself to think about it. Any of it. Jules said, ‘You’re going to look perfect, Beth, just trust me, but you have to do your bit, too, you know. Smile, darling, smile! You’ve got a face on you more suited to a funeral.’

  Beth moved her lips dutifully, and hoped that Jules would be taken in by her efforts. She had never felt less like smiling. The make-up they’d slapped all over her face was thicker than she was used to. The lipstick she’d been allocated was too pink. She’d asked Fiona why they had to have a make-up artist (Fiona’s name for a young girl called Mirabelle) to do their faces. Surely they were all old enough to do it themselves? Fiona had explained patiently that it was ‘for the photographs’. Make-up had to be more dramatic than usual if you didn’t want to look like death warmed up for ever and ever in the wedding album.

  ‘But Alex is doing the photos,’ Beth tried again. ‘He never makes people look awful. You know that. He’s brilliant.’

  ‘Oh, I know,’ Fiona had answered. ‘He’s marvellous, of course, but it’s never a bad idea to give Nature a bit of a helping hand, is it?’