They made a list of stores they wanted to visit and then went to lunch, where they planned the order in which they’d visit them. They started with business clothes and accessories. Marielle enjoyed watching Audrey model each outfit and the fact that her opinion seemed to really matter to Audrey. She didn’t purchase anything Marielle didn’t like. Then again, there wasn’t much Marielle didn’t like on Audrey. She could wear anything. Marielle knew the way she analyzed how a pair of Capri pants or a blouse fit Audrey’s body wasn’t the same way a friend would. She knew the way her own body heated up at the sight of Audrey’s ass in a particular skirt wasn’t friendly at all. She fought to push those thoughts back—way, way back. It was difficult, but fortunately Audrey soon decided she had enough “boring” business clothes, and they moved on to shop for Felix for a little while before they looked at casual clothes for both of them.
Toward the end of the afternoon, they were browsing a large store specializing in sports equipment and apparel. Audrey had gone looking for hiking backpacks, and a young employee was helping her make a choice. Marielle was getting tired from a long day of shopping and was off on her own, vaguely considering hiking boots and letting her thoughts wander. She couldn’t afford two-hundred-dollar hiking boots. She couldn’t afford this shopping trip, period. Why did she need to purchase decorative objects for a house she wasn’t sure she could keep? She’d done some math, and if Sam helped her with Felix, and she had no doubt he would, she could probably afford to, but she would have to keep working overtime. It would be easier if Sam came back home, but now she had a whole new set of reasons why she didn’t think that was a good idea.
Reasons she didn’t completely understand yet. She could admit her attraction to Audrey was more than friendship—at least to herself—but she didn’t know what that meant yet. She wasn’t a lesbian. She’d never looked at a woman that way before. She could somewhat imagine but not really define what two women, what she and Audrey, could do together sexually. She didn’t want that anyway. She didn’t want sex. That much hadn’t changed. She hadn’t wanted sex in a very long time, and when she thought of Audrey’s face and eyes on her the night she’d massaged Audrey’s neck, that undeniable arousal she saw in Audrey, she felt the same panic she had every time Sam had tried to touch her in the past few years. No, she didn’t want to have sex with Audrey. She did, however, want to be close to her, with her. All the time. That was why she was in Montreal today. Not for clothes or throw pillows.
She picked up a pair of gray leather booths with purple trim. They were extremely cute. She mused that cute was probably not a very important attribute for hiking boots and smiled to herself.
Two women approached to look at a pair of boots next to her, and Marielle continued to study her own purple-trimmed boots, discreetly listening to and observing the women, curious about the energy between them. The woman looking at the boots was short and chubby, looking adorable in light makeup and with shoulder-length blond hair. The other woman wasn’t much taller and a tad slimmer, with short, brown hair and pretty green eyes. She looked tenderly at the shorter woman and put an arm around her shoulders before saying softly, “Honey, you have two pairs of boots you never use at home already. What makes you think you’ll hike more often if you buy these?”
“These are blue, baby. I’ll hike in blue.”
The taller woman chuckled and accepted the answer. They sat side by side on the tiny bench as the shorter woman tried on the blue boots, and Marielle thought that was the kind of relationship she wanted with Audrey. The banter, the closeness, and yes, even the occasional touch. She could still remember the waves of electricity under her skin when she had her hands on Audrey’s neck and shoulders. The blond woman walked a short distance in the boots to see how they fit and smiled at the taller woman, who shook her head, sporting a wide, loving smile. She approached her shorter companion and whispered something into her ear before kissing her neck. The shorter woman blushed and whispered back loud enough for Marielle to hear, “I love you too, baby.” Then, before Marielle could look away, they kissed each other on the lips. It was a brief and chaste kiss, but it started a fire in Marielle’s mind and body.
They are a couple, you moron. That’s why they have that closeness. They’re are probably going to drive home, throw those ugly boots in the closet and make love all night. That isn’t what you want, is it? No, it isn’t. Right?
“Ready for dinner? Or are you going to get those?”
Marielle turned to Audrey, who was looking at the gray-and-purple boots in her hands. “I don’t think so.”
“Good. These are cute, but they won’t last. I can help you pick a pair if you want.”
“Thank you, but not today. Let’s go eat. I’m starving.”
“Great, me too. Let’s go.” Audrey put a hand on her back, guiding her to the exit. They walked past the women waiting to pay for the blue boots, and the taller woman smiled at them with a small nod. Marielle smiled back but wondered what that meant. Did the taller woman think she and Audrey were a couple? Did they give off the same kind of energy?
“So what do you feel like?”
Marielle turned quickly to Audrey, stunned by her question. “What?”
“Chinese? Italian? Burger?”
“Oh, food, right.” She sighed with relief.
“Right. Food. Is there something wrong? Where were you just now?”
“Nowhere, just thinking. A burger would be good.” She smiled to reassure Audrey, and they walked side by side to the sports bar they’d spotted earlier. She was glad she was with Audrey. That was all that mattered right now. They were going to chat over a juicy burger and crispy fries, and she was going to enjoy their time together. That was that.
* * *
Audrey set her new clothes on the bed of the hotel room, attempting to judge the validity of her purchases. She hadn’t planned on getting that much. She was mostly looking for accessories, and she’d bought a few scarves, belts and two new pairs of torturous shoes. She hadn’t planned, however, on buying two skirts, two pairs of Capri pants and four tops. She was simply caught off guard. She’d reveled in Marielle’s gaze on her as she modeled clothes for her. Each piece of clothing lying on the bed had caused a similar reaction. Marielle’s eyes had become darker, sexy, intense slits. Audrey had even caught a glance or two at her bottom and at her chest. There was attraction there. Audrey was convinced she wasn’t dreaming it. She’d seen it before in similar looks or in the way Marielle touched her, especially when she’d massaged her neck, but it was even more obvious today. Yet she didn’t want to get her hopes up. Attraction wasn’t enough for Marielle to turn her back on life as she knew it. Even if she recognized it as attraction, and she might not yet or ever, Marielle would never act on that attraction without thinking of the consequences: the way it would affect her son, her husband, the rest of her family, her work, every single damn thing. No, there was too much at stake for anything to happen between them, but if it was going to happen, it would have to come from Marielle.
Audrey smirked as she surveyed the array of clothes on the queen-size bed. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t hope for the same flash of yearning in Marielle’s dark eyes every time she wore these clothes. Actually, she would wear something new tomorrow. She studied her options and started folding and putting away the items she didn’t select.
She stopped a second to remind herself once again how smart it had been to get two rooms instead of sharing one with two beds. When she’d made the reservations, Audrey went with the safer option. Because Audrey was paying for the rooms, she couldn’t imagine that Marielle would object to her decision. If anything, she would think Audrey did it to make her feel more comfortable. Hopefully she wouldn’t conclude that Audrey could simply not stand to spend the night in the same room with her. In truth, it would have been sheer agony, nothing less.
To this day Audrey still managed to keep her thoughts of Marielle mostly platonic, chastising herself any time a dirty stray thought
escaped. Sleeping in a bed next to Marielle’s would make controlling them that much more difficult. Her face or the way she breathed when she slept, if she snored and her favorite sleeping position were all intimate details Audrey didn’t want to know. Not unless she could hold Marielle against her as she observed them. Their lives were already so confusingly entangled, their domesticity so similar to that of a couple, she didn’t want to push things any further. They were not a couple.
She kept putting clothes away until she was left with white Capri pants and a black sleeveless top. She remembered the combination had sparked a particularly strong reaction in Marielle. “That’s hot,” she’d declared when Audrey came out of the fitting room before she’d turned a lovely deep shade of red.
* * *
Marielle took a shower, put on her plain cotton pajamas, black with pink trim, and settled in bed with a home decorating magazine. At first she was grateful Audrey had reserved two rooms. Her thoughts and feelings were a jumbled mess, and a little time away from Audrey would allow her to make sense of it all, or at least try. But soon the noise of the city became an unwelcome distraction. Marielle missed the peace and quiet of her home and realized she’d never been alone in the city. She suddenly felt unsafe. She tried to reassure her panicky self that she wasn’t really alone, that Audrey was in the next room and that nothing was going to happen. She tried to focus on the bathroom items the magazine advertised as the latest trend. But her panicky self wouldn’t shut up long enough for Marielle to analyze any of her thoughts, and she decided that if she wasn’t going to make sense of anything, she might as well go to Audrey’s room. There she would be safe from the city noise she found scarier than the noise in her own head, at least for now.
She got out of bed, grabbed her key card, and once in the hall hoped no one would see her in her pajamas as she knocked on Audrey’s door. Fortunately Audrey opened right away.
She prayed her jaw hadn’t dropped when she saw Audrey was wearing an oversized but short, white nightshirt, revealing most of the length of her gorgeous legs. Her blond hair was still wet and falling freely on her shoulders. Her face was clean of makeup, and the smell of sweet and slightly spicy vanilla body lotion was fresh on her skin. Marielle felt dizzy.
“What’s up? Are you okay?”
The genuine concern in Audrey’s tone brought her back to the moment. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just…well, I’ve never slept alone in the city before, and I’m kind of freaking out, you see? I know you went to the trouble of getting two rooms, but would you mind terribly if I crashed in your chair there?” She walked past Audrey to get into the room and to the chair in question, the same type of large armchair that was in her own room.
Audrey smiled and closed the door behind Marielle, then hesitated a moment before walking toward her. “You can take the bed. Just let me move these clothes. Cute pajamas, by the way.”
“Thank you.” Marielle was getting used to blushing involuntarily around Audrey. She watched as Audrey put the white Capri pants and black top away and blushed even harder. “That’s a really nice outfit on you.”
“Thanks. You’re a great fashion adviser. You’ll have to come back with me next time I need clothes.”
“Sure. That’ll be fun.” All I know about fashion is what looks good on you, she added to herself.
She pushed back the bedclothes and got into bed while Audrey sat on the chair and crossed her legs, oblivious to her beauty as she gently said, “I’m sorry, I should have thought you might be scared alone in a hotel room in the city.”
“Oh please, you couldn’t know. There’s no reason to be scared, I know that. I just can’t help it.”
Audrey’s smile was tender, understanding instead of mocking. “Do you feel better here with me?” Her voice was husky.
“Much better.” She whispered the two words, but that didn’t make them less true. Marielle felt much safer in Audrey’s room, in Audrey’s bed. Her bed, you jerk, she thought, then realized how truly uncomfortable sleeping in that chair would be. She couldn’t keep the politely offered queen-size bed for herself. “The bed is big enough for both of us, you know. You don’t have to stay in that chair.”
Audrey stopped breathing for a moment, hesitating again before looking at Marielle. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Come here, silly.” Marielle pushed back the bedclothes on the other side for Audrey.
Audrey joined her in bed and smiled nervously at Marielle. “Do you still feel safe? I mean with a lesbian in your bed and all?”
They both burst out laughing, releasing some of the tension hanging so heavily between them.
“Yes, I feel safe. I told you I’m not scared of you, Audrey.” On the other hand, she was terrified of herself.
“Great. Well, good night, then.” Audrey kissed her cheek before lying down on her side, her back turned to Marielle.
“Good night, Audrey,” she said in a voice so soft she wasn’t sure Audrey heard. She turned off the light and lay down on her side. The faint light Audrey had left on in the bathroom to make it easier to find in the middle of the night was bright enough for Marielle to see the shape of Audrey’s back. The curve of her hip, her shoulder blade, her neck, the blond hair on the pillow. She gasped and turned around, closing her eyes. Soon Audrey also turned around, and her naked leg brushed against Marielle’s. Marielle shivered from the contact and clenched all of her muscles. Tears escaped through her tightly shut eyelids. She was short of breath. She couldn’t help a sniffle and hoped Audrey wouldn’t notice, but she quickly felt her familiar warm hand on her shoulder.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
The hand on her shoulder comforted her instead of feeding her panic, so Marielle asked for the one thing she abruptly figured out would calm her down. “Nothing’s wrong, Audrey. But…”
“But what?” The worry in Audrey’s voice told her she wouldn’t refuse.
“But would you just…hold me?”
Audrey’s hand left her shoulder and dropped to the bed, and Marielle thought she might have misread Audrey after all, but she didn’t have time to feel disappointment before the hand came back, this time around her waist as Audrey’s body cradled hers from behind.
“Of course I can hold you. Come here,” the friendly voice whispered into her ear.
Marielle adjusted to complete the perfect molding of their bodies and held Audrey’s hand to her chest. “Thank you.” Audrey’s breasts pressed against her back and her pelvis against her bottom, but the feeling was soothing rather than alarming, and the weight of Audrey’s arm around her was like a safe blanket. Her breathing deepened and slowed down. She brought Audrey’s hand to her lips and kissed it softly. “Thank you,” she said again in a low, breathy voice.
Audrey’s lips touched her cheek again, lingering, burning hot. “Stop thanking me, sweetie. It’s okay.” Audrey tightened her grip on Marielle and let her head fall onto Marielle’s pillow, and her breath was now directly on the back of Marielle’s neck. Marielle went to sleep with a warm tingling on her neck and the word sweetie bouncing around in her mind.
* * *
The next morning, Audrey slowly opened her eyes, taking a second to remember where she was. Lying on her back, she recognized the white ceiling and the strange but not unpleasant smell of the hotel room. Only then did she feel the weight of Marielle’s head on her shoulder and her hand on her stomach. She was still sleeping soundly. Audrey remained immobile. She’d slept unexplicably well herself, although she’d spent several minutes focusing on Marielle’s breathing after Marielle had fallen asleep in her arms, their fingers intertwined on Marielle’s chest, that ample bottom pressing against the curve of Audrey’s pelvis. She’d tried not to breathe, not to disturb her companion’s sleep. Then she’d allowed herself to enjoy the sensations without wanting more. Her breath had fallen into pace with Marielle’s, and she’d fallen asleep, smiling and thinking how well they fit together.
Now, in the faint light of the morning coming through th
e closed curtains, she wasn’t so sure what to think. She didn’t quite understand what had happened, what had made Marielle ask to be held. Could it really have been the simple fear of the city, of the unknown? Audrey doubted it but still decided that was the best answer. Any other possibility she may imagine would take her down hopeful and intoxicating roads she couldn’t afford to take. No, Marielle had needed her friend to hold her, to comfort her. Nothing more. Her brother flashed through her mind out of nowhere, and she sighed with annoyance.
I know, I’m still playing with fire and I’ll get burnt, she thought. I just have no other options, bro, so shut up, for fuck’s sake. I’ll do whatever this woman wants.
Marielle’s hand moved up Audrey’s stomach to rest just below her breasts, and she nuzzled Audrey’s shoulder, adjusting her position before she stopped moving again, still in a deep sleep.
Whatever she wants, Audrey confirmed.
She turned toward the clock radio on the bedside table carefully. Nine thirty a.m. She blinked and looked again. What the hell? She couldn’t remember sleeping that late since she’d been out of college. As much as she wanted to keep Marielle’s body against hers forever, she knew Marielle would be disappointed if they didn’t have enough time to explore all IKEA had to offer. She sighed again, this time with a mix of frustration and acceptance. She started caressing the hand still resting on her stomach with a light touch of her finger. Marielle barely twitched and remained asleep. Audrey smiled and turned toward her to gently kiss her forehead. The light moan that escaped Marielle surprised Audrey and sent a wave of desire coursing through her body. Her lips remained on the soft skin, and when Marielle’s breathing evened out she dared another kiss. Marielle moaned again, and the pleasure Audrey felt from that simple sound made her feel incredibly dirty.
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