“Hi, Wade.”
He waved me into the cabin. There were already a couple boys inside, and they looked up to stare at me as I came in. I tried to look confident and cool. I was a boy, just like them. But I self-consciously ran a hand through my short hair, reassuring myself that it was, indeed, quite short.
At school, I didn’t have to worry so much about how I carried myself or whether I “passed” as a boy or not. Everyone there knew I was trans. But here, no one knew. I was trying to be stealthy about it, in hopes I could live my life like any other boy. It meant I was going to have to examine everything I did and said to make sure it didn’t seem girly or weird. It was exhausting, but I needed to see if I could do it.
“Hi, guys,” I said, and my voice didn’t shake. Go me.
The cabin was tiny, with five bunk beds crammed in head-to-end around the room. Four of those beds were already occupied. There was also a tiny set of shelves containing a clock and a miniature stereo—one with a music file player plugged into it, but it could also take antiquated CDs—and a vase with a bunch of wild flowers soaking in water.
Wade said, “Pick a bunk wherever you like.”
I debated whether I wanted an upper bunk or a lower bunk. I was scared of falling out of an upper bunk, but I didn’t like the idea of someone being above me. All the other boys had picked upper bunks so far. Wade’s bed—the only one that was clearly claimed but didn’t have someone sitting on it—was a lower one, but he had strung up a curtain so it was mostly obscured. That would have been ideal for me, but I hadn’t thought of it. Upper bunk it was.
My trunk was in the middle of the floor, so I shoved it under the bed I’d chosen and then hopped up onto the top bunk.
“Great!” Wade said, grinning around at everyone. “We’ll do introductions once everyone gets here, okay? For now, just settle in!”
The other boys looked at each other and at me, and it was all uncomfortable silence. No one had phones to stare at to occupy the time. I hopped back off the bunk, slid out my trunk, and got out my sheets. I’d rather do something useful than sit around worrying about how I looked.
I puttered, making my bed and rearranging the stuff in my trunk, just to have something to do. When I couldn’t do anymore without looking strange, I pulled out a book from my trunk, replaced it under the bed, and then hopped back up.
None of the other boys had made their beds yet and were just staring around at each other suspiciously. A few other boys came in, and Wade had them pick a bunk.
A cute redheaded boy picked the one underneath me, and I tried unsuccessfully not to blush at him. He was short, but that wasn’t a problem for me since I was pretty short, too. At least he was still taller than me. I was also a sucker for freckles, and he had a lot of them.
Over the next hour, I tried to distract myself by reading as the rest of the cabin filled up. As it got louder outside the boys in the room seemed to relax. They began to talk and laugh with one another.
Once every bunk was filled, Wade interrupted my reading.
“Hey guys, welcome to cabin four!” His enthusiasm was catching, and I couldn’t help but smile at him. His grin was wide, his eyes twinkling. “Are you ready to be the most awesome cabin this summer?”
There were some half-hearted agreements. His face fell, and he tilted his head. “Come on, guys, let’s get excited about camp! This is going to be a great summer! I’m used to cabin four being the best cabin all summer, and you’re not going to break my streak are you?”
There was some laughter, and he relaxed into a smile again. “Okay, let’s try again. Are you ready to be the most awesome cabin this summer?”
We all cheered this time. It was silly, but I couldn’t help but join in. I wanted this to be an awesome cabin, too.
“Better! Now, here’s the rules. Every morning, we clean the cabin. Everyone pitches in, okay? I’ll have a signup sheet for chores, and we rotate them. One person a day will get out of chores.”
That sounded pretty sweet.
“Cabin inspections are during breakfast, so we’ll find out at lunch who won the Clean Cabin Award, okay?”
“What do we get as an award?” one boy asked.
“Glad you asked!” Wade said. “We get in line for dinner first, and we get to be first in line for Canteen. You’ll want that. There’s no soda here, except at Canteen. You get first choice, and we always run out of something.”
“Sounds lame,” another boy said.
“Hey, hey, none of that here,” Wade admonished, pointing a long finger at the boy. “That’s not a cabin four attitude, okay? We have to pitch in and work together if we want to have fun.” He cleared his throat and went on. “No one goes down the mountain without a counselor. We’ll line up for meals as a cabin and go down as a whole unit. We have a buddy system with the girls’ cabins, and we’re buddies with cabin nine.”
My stomach sank. Ella was in cabin eight, so we wouldn’t be buddies.
Wade continued, “But don’t worry too much about that. You can sit with whoever you want at meals.”
That was a relief.
“Lights-out is at ten, and there are no exceptions. Except—” and he waggled his eyebrows at us “—for those cabins who manage to get the Clean Cabin Award more than five times.”
“That’s a lot,” the redheaded boy said.
“Yes, it is, but it’s possible. Next week, if we’ve managed to rack up the award every day, then we can stay up and have a pizza party one night. And we get to have lights-out at eleven for the rest of the session.”
“That’s more like it,” said the boy who had complained about the award being lame.
“Thought you’d like that,” Wade said, shaking his head.
“Anyone caught slacking or breaking rules will either be forced to clean the cabin or one of the lodges all by themselves, or be sent home, depending on the severity. So don’t break any rules.”
He set down the rest of those rules then, which were mainly things like don’t litter, don’t talk back, be on time to lights-out, no fighting…
“Now,” he said, once he was finished. “Let’s introduce ourselves. Tell us your name. And…” He scrunched up his face like he was thinking really hard. “…what is your favorite board game?”
He pointed to the boy on the top bunk nearest him. He was tiny, with sandy-blond hair, and eyes and lips that were too big for his face. “Hey, I’m Mike, and I’ve never played a board game.” He looked like he meant it, and that we were stupid for having played them.
“That’s too bad, Mike,” said Wade, not rising to the bait. “Do you play video games? What’s your favorite?”
Mike sighed and said, “I like World of Orcs and Bloodcraft.”
“Great games!” Wade said, and I wondered where he got all that optimism and enthusiasm. He must have it injected into his system somehow.
The next kid, a tall black boy with dark brown skin, a shaved head, and a quiet voice, was Alex who liked Monopoly. Next, it was me, so I said, “Hey, I’m Casey, and I like Pioneers of Noran.” The red-haired boy below me was Gavin who also liked Pioneers of Noran. Inwardly, I cheered. Outwardly, I leaned down casually and gave him a thumbs-up. He grinned back. Things were definitely looking up.
We continued around the room. There was a Nick who had dark hair and eyes, a Geoff (“with a G”) with brown hair and blue eyes, a Tanner who had a brown rattail and looked like he belonged at a tractor pull, an Elliot who was tall and dark and was already showing the beginnings of a mustache, a shy brunet named Tyler, and finally Ryan, a defiant blond with dark eyes who refused to give a game he liked.
“Okay then,” Wade said, glossing over Ryan’s rudeness. Ryan narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw but didn’t talk back. “I told you before, but I’m Wade, and I like all board games. If you’re bored and need something to do, just come find me, and I’ll play whatever you like!”
He continued, clearly changing the subject. “We have a while before dinner, so relax, g
o explore, whatever you want. Just be back in the cabin by four thirty. We need to get everyone together to line up for dinner, and we leave at five.”
I hopped off of the bunk and smiled at Gavin. “Hey, what did you think of the new expansion pack?” I asked him, hoping our interest in Noran would strike up a friendship.
“I loved it!” he said, and we were off.
I ended up sitting on his bed, while we jabbered on about the game. After we had exhausted what we could think of about it, we moved on to ourselves. I told him where I was from and was disappointed to learn he didn’t even live in the same state. “Yeah,” he said, “we came here from West Virginia.”
That was too bad. Well, at least he was going to be good company for the next couple weeks.
After that, our conversation trailed off, and he excused himself. He had friends to go meet. I figured I might as well explore and see if Ella was free yet.
I left the cabin and strolled down the road toward the two lodges. There was already a crowd of kids there, lounging on the low stone wall in front of the Lincoln Lodge, and going in and out of both buildings.
I picked a lodge and went into Washington. It was a huge open space, with wooden benches pushed up against the walls. Most of the benches were already occupied with kids chatting with one another. I was ignored. I made the loop around the lodge and then exited, trying not to feel embarrassed and out of place. A lot of the kids appeared to know each other already, and I figured they’d been coming to camp since they were small, like Ella.
Lincoln Lodge was different, partitioned into a few rooms with a screened-in porch in the back. Picnic tables had been set up in each room, and one room even had a fireplace and rug. A set of shelves next to the fireplace contained a few ancient-looking books covered in dust. On one of the tables were some pieces of paper. I casually walked over and peered over the shoulders of some of the other kids.
“What’s this?” I asked one.
She glanced at me, smiled, and said, “Morning activities! Sign up for what you want to do tomorrow morning after breakfast.”
“Do we have to do any of them?” Wade hadn’t said anything about activities.
“Sort of. You’re supposed to sign up, but as long as you’re around camp, you should be fine. But some of them have limited slots, so sign up as soon as you can if you want to do them.”
“Thanks.”
She beamed at me, and I felt my face flush. She was cute, too, with brown hair cut into a bob and bright blue eyes.
Girls didn’t flirt with me very often. I wondered if this was how it felt. Or was she just being nice? I didn’t want to be the jerk that mistook one for the other.
Once enough people were out of the way, I scanned the options. There was something called Greek dodgeball, a football game, swimming, how to make friendship bracelets, and how to use a compass. All of them except for Greek Dodgeball and football had limits. There was even one that had only five slots, and it was entitled “Super Secret But Amazing Activity.” No one had signed up for it yet, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, either.
Swimming was a no-go. I couldn’t swim in my binder and didn’t want to explain why I wore it, and I wasn’t about to get into a full bathing suit. It was the one thing I missed about not presenting as a girl anymore. I’d been a decent swimmer and enjoyed the water. But now it was too fraught with difficulties. I wasn’t a fan of football. The compass one might be interesting, but I wanted a chance to talk with Ella first before we signed up for radically different things.
I wasn’t a fan of dodgeball either, but I had never heard of Greek dodgeball. What was the difference? I didn’t particularly relish the idea of being hit with plastic balls, but I didn’t see much choice if Ella didn’t want to do the compass one.
After dithering for a few minutes, I ended up signing up for the compass activity instead anyway. I almost wrote down Ella’s name, too, but I didn’t want to get her mad at me. The friendship bracelets thing sounded a little silly, but if she’d rather do that, I could switch my name over. There were enough slots it shouldn’t be a huge problem.
After that, I had to answer nature’s call, so I wandered down to the bathrooms.
Even though I’d been going into the boys’ restroom at school for a year now, my heart still skipped a beat any time I approached one I hadn’t been in before. I ignored the feeling, as I always did, and entered it more confidently than I really felt.
No one was in there, so I picked a stall at the far end and did my business.
As I was finishing, the door banged open and a herd of boys came in, their shoes making a racket on the concrete floor. I froze instinctively, my heart suddenly in my throat. They were laughing and chattering and acting like normal boys. I relaxed and was about to step out when I heard one boy say, “Hey, guys, I heard there’s a girl in with the boys.”
I bit my lip.
Another voice, “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means,” said another voice, “that we have some queer living in one of the cabins.”
“Anyone know which one?”
“Nah. Everyone’s being really tight-lipped about it.”
“That’s against my religion.”
There was mean laughter. I closed my eyes and tried not to care. They didn’t know who it was who was trans, only that there was someone at camp who was. Someone had blabbed. I knew the camp director had only wanted the counselors to know. The fewer who knew, the better, for just this reason. Someone always talked.
I was going to have to brace myself for the inevitable. I would be outed at some point before the end of camp, and this proved it. If people were already suspicious, it wouldn’t be too long before I’d cease to pass, and I’d have to start thinking now about how I wanted to handle it. It was frustrating and a little frightening this had come out so soon. And it wasn’t even the first whole day.
I could start telling people myself and hope for the best, or wait for it to come out, possibly at a bad time or in a bad way. Neither option was great. There were always more options, but the longer I waited, the fewer there would be.
There was nothing for it: I was going to have to talk to Wade about it. I’d hoped we could have waited awhile longer for this conversation, but it was clear now we couldn’t.
The boys finished their business, and once they were gone, I crept out of the stall and washed my hands. The water was bitterly cold, and I shivered. It wasn’t just from the water.
I trudged back up the hill to the cabin, but was glad when I heard my name shouted.
Ella was running toward me, and she threw her arms around me in one of her crushing hugs. “Everything okay?” she asked when she saw my face.
I looked around. There were a lot of people nearby. “Yeah, tell you in a minute. First, did you sign up for anything?”
“Yeah! Dodgeball!”
I was so astonished I didn’t know what to say at first.
“Hey, no, it’s not like regular dodgeball,” she said when she realized why I wasn’t saying anything. Then she reconsidered. “Well, it is, but it’s more fun than that. You should come, too!” She flashed pink braces at me.
“I signed up for the compass thing.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself in the path of someone with a big ball and a hatred for trans people.
Ella’s face fell a little, but then she grinned again. “Don’t worry; there’s plenty of time for dodgeball! The compass thing sounds fun. I’ll see if there’s still slots.”
We went back to the lodge, and Ella was able to switch her name to the compass activity sheet. I was relieved. She pulled me outside and down the road toward the empty cabin number one. “We’re not supposed to go all the way there,” she explained, “but we can get a little privacy near it.”
Once we were out of earshot, I told her about the encounter in the bathroom.
“Oh, I’m so sorry Casey. That’s terrible. Did you see who it was?”
“No, unfortunately. I didn’t want to
leave the stall.”
I didn’t want them to notice me, when they were already primed to look for people who didn’t seem to belong. I hadn’t thought to peek out to see who they were. Part of me didn’t want to know. What if Gavin had been one of them? What if any of the boys in my cabin had been one of them? Chances were good, but I couldn’t know for sure.
She squeezed my arm in sympathy and then checked her watch, and her mouth made a big round O of surprise. “Come on, we’re going to be late for dinner.”
We ran back down the road, hand in hand. A few people tittered as they saw us together, but we were used to that. We split up and went to our respective cabins.
Wade eyed me and then the clock. “Cutting it close, Casey!”
“Sorry.”
Everyone else was there. I scanned the faces, wishing I could read the thoughts behind them. Had any of them gone to the bathroom recently? Did any of them suspect? Alex was the only one who noticed me looking, and he met my gaze coolly. I looked away, embarrassed at getting caught.
“Okay!” Wade said. “It’s time to go!”
We trooped out of the cabin and onto the road. Already, a large crowd had gathered, and everyone was talking animatedly, excited about finally being at camp and away from our parents. We lined up according to cabins and buddies. The order would rotate, so cabin two and cabin seven went down the mountain first, followed by everyone else. The next day, cabin three and cabin eight would go down first, and so on. Only the cabin that won the Clean Cabin Award would break that system, as they would get to go first.
Our two cabins intermingled, and I got to see the buddies we had in cabin nine. There were ten girls, just like there were ten of us boys in cabin four. They ignored us, giggling in cliques already. I wasn’t up for breaking into one of those groups yet. I didn’t care that it might look weird for a boy to hang out with the girls—a lot of my friends back home were girls and boys—but since it might be considered weird, I was going to stay away. I didn’t need to have anyone wondering about me because I happened to like hanging out with girls. There were a couple of pretty girls in the group, but no one was as cute as Gavin.
On a Summer Night Page 2
