So I tried to hover as near him as I could without looking creepy. He was deep in conversation about something with Geoff and Ryan, so I couldn’t strike up one about Noran again. I’d be walking alone.
Once everyone was lined up—there were a lot of us, and the noise we made was pretty incredible—the signal was given to head down. We walked down the mountain, being admonished to stay in our groups until we got to the dining hall. It was a long and difficult walk, and I was surprised. The trip up had been so short in the car, but it was going to be a chore doing it at least three times a day for meals. The road was uneven and rutted, and I tripped over large rocks a few times. It was steep, too.
I tried to stay near Gavin, but two of the other boys from our cabin had joined in the discussion. I was too shy to cut in, and I had no idea what they were talking about. Instead, I noticed Alex walking alone but near me. He either didn’t notice me looking in his direction or didn’t want to acknowledge it.
Oh well. At least I’d get to sit with Ella once we were there.
We made it to the meadow with the pavilion but passed it up and kept going down the mountain. On the right, we passed the pool again, which I threw another longing look at. Someday, I’d be able to swim and not have to worry about my body at all. I’d just swim like any other boy. But that was a long time off in the future.
A wave of depression passed over me.
It was lonely being trans sometimes. You wanted to get close to people but also feared it. You wanted to be “normal” and like everyone else, but there was no way you could be. Not for the first time, I wished I wasn’t trans. I wished I had just been born with the right parts.
Some of my trans friends didn’t like the “born in the wrong body” narrative (“Bodies can’t be wrong” was what my friend Annie always said), but it still fit some of us. My body had never been right. And when I started puberty, it came up with a whole host of new problems. My breasts had already started to grow, and it had terrified me. I didn’t want them. I cried and screamed when Mom took me to buy my first bra when I turned ten. She hadn’t understood it, and neither had I. It had felt like giving up, though, like I’d lost something valuable I couldn’t identify. I’d been so confused I refused to wear the bras at first, and only relented when it was too uncomfortable not to.
Luckily, I got put on puberty blockers as quickly as possible after I came out to my parents. But it hadn’t stopped me from getting small breasts. That was why I wore the binder and would need surgery later in life. I tried not to dwell on it too much, but reminders like the pool didn’t help. I looked away.
After the pool came more civilization. We passed large white houses with green trim, where old men were out watering the lawn and children were playing tag. No one had phones, which weirded me out a little. I wondered vaguely if we could get service this far down the mountain. Surely we could? There were people here, and they needed phones, didn’t they?
The crowd veered off toward one of the large houses, and we made our way to one of the outbuildings off to the side. A counselor, who wore a name tag that said Trisha, Cabin Seven, stood on the stairs, blocking everyone from going inside. A screen door blurred the view inside, but I could see people moving around, placing jugs of water on tables.
Trisha waited until everyone was lined up again and then led her cabin into the dining hall.
It took a while for me to get there, but Ella had saved me a spot. I slid in between her and another girl, an Asian girl with short-cropped dark hair and somewhat pale skin. She smiled shyly at me, and I gave her one back.
Ella said, “This is Lily,” and pointed at the other girl.
“Hi, Lily. I’m Casey.”
“You’re in cabin four?” she asked.
“Yep.”
“My brother’s in there.”
“Oh right—Nick.”
“Yeah.”
I hadn’t gotten to know Nick yet, so we lapsed into silence after that. I felt awkward, but Ella, as usual, smoothed everything over.
“The food here is great,” she told us both. “All-you-can-eat rolls, and the fried chicken is good! They don’t serve it all the time, though.” She looked around, as though searching for the missing fried chicken.
“You’ve been here a lot?” asked Lily.
“Yep! Every year since I was eight!”
“Wow,” Lily said, and I agreed.
I relaxed a bit after that and was able to enjoy the meal. The food was tasty, though simple. We started with a salad, and then we had barbeque sandwiches. This wasn’t canned or premade barbeque, either. It tasted like it had been smoked right outside, tender and juicy.
“They bake the bread here,” Ella explained, handing me another roll. It looked like it had been baked in a muffin tin, with two large lobes boiling out over the top. “We call these butt buns.” She giggled. I snorted and Lily tittered.
I slathered more butter than I should have on my roll. It really was good. We also had corn on the cob, boiled potatoes with sour cream, sweet tea, and pink lemonade—that everyone called bug juice for some reason.
By the end, I was stuffed. But we had dessert, too, which was a variety of cookies, mounded on plates. I took two but would have taken more if I hadn’t already been so full.
After dinner, we were allowed to socialize, so the crowd mixed up a bit more. Lily got up to go talk to her brother, and Ella and I were left mostly alone.
“So?” she asked, her expression eager.
“Ella, come on.”
“No, no, tell me, who do you like?”
Part of me hated that Ella was ace and aro—asexual and aromantic—and that she lived what fantasies she did have vicariously through me. She was on the ace spectrum, which meant specifically for her that she wasn’t really interested in dating, sex, or romantic relationships. I sullenly wished she would go and get herself a boyfriend to get off of my back. But that was a mean thing to think about my friend, so I never said it out loud. I didn’t particularly like that I had those thoughts about her.
I sighed dramatically and tilted my head in Gavin’s general direction. He was surrounded by friends, including Ryan, all of them chattering as though they’d known each other for a long time.
“Name?” she asked.
“You don’t know him?”
She shook her head. “Haven’t seen him before.”
So he was a first-timer like me, but he seemed to be doing a lot better for himself than I was. “Gavin,” I whispered, fearing he would hear me.
“Oh, nice name. He’s cute, I guess. Anyone else?”
“Not really.”
“Come on, Casey! Look around!”
I did, scanning faces now that I could see everyone gathered in one spot. There were some cute people, but I wasn’t sure I found any of them attractive enough to pursue. No one stood out. Except Gavin.
I hadn’t come to date. I kept telling myself—and Ella—that, but neither of us appeared to be listening.
Well, my eye was caught by one of the counselors I hadn’t seen before. I blushed suddenly then, and Ella noticed. She grabbed my arm and shook me. “Who, who?” she hissed in my ear.
I nodded in his direction and she tsked at me. “Going after one of the counselors, shame on you, Casey. That’s Lars, anyway.” She flicked her hand in dismissal.
Lars was a gorgeous man. Not handsome, not attractive, but gorgeous. His face was feminine, almost suspiciously so, and his hair was long and candy-floss in texture. It was the palest white I’d ever seen on a person. His skin was ruddy in spots but so pale I wondered if he had albinism. His eyes were clearly dark, though, big and brown. Weirdly, he was wearing a sweater in this heat, and it was an obnoxious shade of pink.
“What’s with him?” I asked.
“He’s a little weird. Quiet, but nice. He plays guitar.”
“Of course he does. What cabin is he in?”
“He’s one of the out-of-cabin counselors. He doesn’t have his own; he stays with the
others in town. You should know better, though, Casey.”
I did. He was pretty, but he was definitely way too old.
“Are you sure no one else our own age?” Ella lamented.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Okay, so what are you going to do about Gavin?” She mouthed his name, huddling in close, her shoulders hunched for maximum plotting.
“I don’t know. Probably nothing. Look, Ella, this really isn’t the place for romance, okay? Not now.” I wanted a chance to be a kid, and not always a trans kid. Romance complicated things.
She crossed her arms and fake-pouted, telling me, “You’re no fun.”
I poked her hard and she yelped. We got into a tickle fight then, but Wade broke us up. “Come on, now, guys; no roughhousing,” he said. I was going to protest, but Ella pinched me on the arm and shook her head. I dropped it.
I shoved another cookie in my mouth to keep from saying anything else on the subject of boys, and shortly after, we were shooed out of the dining hall.
We were allowed to wander back up the mountain on our own or hang around the meadow and pavilion if we wanted. Since it was the first day, there was no Canteen, which was a bit of a disappointment.
Ella and I walked up to the meadow and lay on our backs on the soft grass, staring up at the sky. The sun wouldn’t set for a while, since it was summertime, but the sky had already started to darken. A few stars peeked out, and the moon was rising. The grass smelled good; the air was mild. That high up in the mountains, it wasn’t too hot, which was a blessing since I was still in my binder. A sense of peace settled over me. I was at camp, with my best friend. Nothing else could be better.
“Do you like it here so far?” Ella asked, after several long minutes of easy silence.
“I think so. I mean, it’s not even been a whole day.” I didn’t want to think about the bathroom incident, so I put it out of my mind.
“I just want you to like it here. This is such a good place, with good people.”
“Some of them, yeah.”
“Oh, don’t worry about them,” she said, reading my mind. “They’re losers and jerks. They wouldn’t dare say anything to your face.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I usually am.”
I stuck my tongue out at her, and she laughed. She had a lovely, musical laugh.
We settled into the comfortable silence we sometimes had with each other. Ella and I had been friends for so long we didn’t need to talk all the time.
The other kids had started a Frisbee game around us, and there was much screaming and laughing. I could also hear the distinctive whamp of a basketball on concrete coming from the pavilion. The drone of cicadas almost drowned everything out, and a couple of fireflies buzzed by, their butts lighting up and disappearing.
Ella broke the silence. “Do you ever think it’s weird that I don’t like…anyone?”
I rolled over onto my side and frowned down at her. “What do you mean?”
“That I’m ace, you know, that I don’t want to date anyone?”
“No, it’s not weird. You know that.”
She squirmed. “Yeah, I guess. But sometimes I wonder if I’m broken.”
I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “No, Ella, no. You’re not broken. Don’t think that.” I felt doubly guilty for wishing she would just go out and get a boyfriend already.
“I just can’t see myself…you know…” She looked away, her cheeks red.
“Did someone say something to you?”
She wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I guessed I was right. “What happened?”
Still not looking at me, she blew her cheeks out. “I hate saying this, but I know I’m pretty. I get a lot of guys asking me out.”
I knew that, too. Ella had long blonde hair that always seemed perfect. Her skin had never met a pimple, and when she wasn’t out camping, she wore makeup like a supermodel. She was too pretty to be real, sometimes, but I didn’t think of her that way. She was my sister, by choice if not by blood. I merely said, “Yeah, I know.”
She looked at me then. “So a couple of guys have already asked me out. And I keep having to turn them down. It’s exhausting. I hate doing it. Maybe I should say yes and get it over with?”
I was surprised they’d moved on her so quickly, but I didn’t want to tell her that. It would only make her feel worse. So what I said was, “You mean, date? Or…?”
“No, not that. Just date. I mean, maybe I’ll like it? Maybe I’m missing out? Maybe if I had a boyfriend, the rest will leave me alone?”
“You shouldn’t date unless you really wanted to, Ella. Don’t force yourself for someone else’s sake.”
“Well, no, it wouldn’t be for someone else. It would be for me.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea, but if you think it will help…”
“Who do you think would be good for me?”
“Oh, please don’t ask me to set you up.” I groaned. I couldn’t even get myself a date.
She shoved me, making me fall onto my back. “Hey!” I protested, but she pinned me down by sitting on me.
“Casey, come on. You know the boys in your cabin. Who would you want me to date?”
I squirmed, but Ella held me down easily. She was surprisingly strong, her legs muscular and powerful from being into soccer for so long.
“Who?” Ella barked.
We heard laughter from nearby, and she looked up and frowned. A group of kids had stopped playing Frisbee and were now staring at us.
To my horror, Gavin was there, laughing at me being pinned down by her.
“Problem, Casey?” asked Ryan, the guy with the attitude from my cabin. His face was stormy, his arms crossed over his chest.
Ella rolled off me and we stood hastily. I brushed myself off. “No problem,” I said as casually as I could.
Ryan looked back and forth between us and then shook his head in disbelief. “I never thought a runt like you could get a girl like her.” There was something else in his tone I didn’t like, but I couldn’t tell what it was.
“Fuck off,” Ella said.
We all turned to her in surprise. I didn’t often hear Ella swear. Her hands were clenched into fists.
“We’re not…” I began.
“Looks like you two were making out, runt.” Ryan said it to me, though he never took his eyes off of Ella. “You know that’s against the rules, right?” His grin was full of malice.
Ella’s jaw clenched, and my stomach did a flip-flop. “We were doing nothing of the sort,” said Ella, flipping a lock of hair over her shoulder. “Not that what I do is any of your business anyway.”
Ryan finally looked at me, but maybe only to look away from Ella. “Maybe Wade would like to know about this.” He turned on his heel and went toward the tunnel of trees that led up to the cabins. The others, including Gavin, followed.
I moved to go after them, but Ella stopped me by grabbing my shoulder. “Don’t,” she said. “You’ll never make it up there before him.”
“Is there a shortcut?”
“Casey, drop it.”
“What did he do to you?” I asked, realizing there must be history between the two of them. What else could explain Ryan’s hostility?
“Nothing. Never mind.” She wiped at her eyes, and I knew it could not be “nothing.”
“Ella…”
“No!”
She turned and followed Ryan, leaving me there on the field with my jaw hanging open in shock.
What had just happened?
I didn’t want to follow her right away. She clearly didn’t want to talk to me, which hurt. So I walked around the field, and then jogged around it, to work off some of my anger. My binder made jogging uncomfortable, but right then I didn’t care. I wheezed and slowed down, though.
Why would Ella have a history with Ryan? That question rolled around in my head the whole time I moved. Had they been together at camp before? Did Ryan like Ella, and was that why he instantly dis
liked me when he saw Ella and me together? And would Ryan succeed in getting us into trouble?
By the time I had calmed down enough to think straight, everyone else was heading back up the mountain. It was getting dark, and I didn’t want to walk around without a flashlight, so I followed them. It was a long, hard trudge in the near darkness.
On my way, I noticed Alex was heading up at the same time. Again, he didn’t look at me but somehow seemed aware of me, and I wondered what his problem was. He even stiffened as I drew near, and I veered away so I didn’t disturb him.
At the top, the crowd was larger, but I could see people beginning to break up and go back to their cabins. The temperature was dropping too, and I shivered a bit. Summer nights in the mountains got chilly. I headed to my cabin, my breath heaving as much as I was able in my tight binder. It was starting to cut into my skin.
I ignored Ryan as I entered the cabin, but I could hear him laughing with a couple of the other boys. It hurt to see Gavin was one of them. Alex came in after me and went, stone-faced, to his bed. Without even taking off his clothes, he rolled over onto his side so his back was to everyone.
Okay. Cabin four didn’t seem like the awesome place Wade was hoping it would be.
Luckily, the counselor heard Ryan say something unflattering about Ella and me and yelled at him. “That’s not how cabin four boys talk!” he shouted, and I got a little satisfaction in seeing the dismay on Ryan’s face.
But Wade didn’t see the rude gesture Ryan made at him when he turned his back.
I figured Ryan’s threat to tell on Ella and me was a bluff, because Wade never said anything about it. Ryan was sure to use it against us, though, and I wondered again what had happened between him and Ella.
I had other things to think about. Tonight would be the first test. I had to get undressed, and I wasn’t about to go to the bathroom in the dark if I could help it. So I grabbed my clothes, hopped up onto my bed, and buried myself in the sheets.
Then, without being able to see what I was doing, I shimmied out of my dirty clothes and put on my pajamas. I had to remove the binder, too, which I absolutely hated doing, but I couldn’t sleep in it. It could seriously hurt my ribs or my lungs if I wore it too long, and I’d been in it all day. It was hard to get off, especially both lying down and trying not to be noticed, and I wrestled with it and hoped no one saw.
On a Summer Night Page 3
