On a Summer Night

by Gabriel D. Vidrine

  Unfortunately for me, they had. Ryan was pointing and laughing at me, but not out loud, since Wade was still around. The counselor had settled onto his own bunk and wasn’t paying attention to anything.

  I ignored Ryan and balled the binder up in my dirty clothes. My pajamas were baggy enough to cover the bulges on my chest, but I was still self-conscious about them. I folded my arms across my chest, pinning my breasts down, and packed away my things as quickly as I could with my arms as close to my body as I could get them. Then I went to Wade’s bunk and whispered, “Can we talk for a second?”

  He eyed me and then nodded. “We can walk to the bathroom.”

  Relief flooded me. I needed to go, but hadn’t wanted to go alone, not again. And that gave me a good excuse to bring up what had happened. He grabbed a flashlight, and I followed him out of the cabin and into the cool night.

  “What’s up?” he asked quietly.

  “I had an encounter in the bathroom,” I said, and then explained it. “Someone told one of the kids I’m trans. Maybe not actually me, but someone let it slip there was a trans kid at camp.”

  Wade’s brow had furrowed, and his dark lips were pressed into a tight line. “I’m sorry, Casey, that you had to hear that. I can see if we can find out anything, but since you didn’t see them, it’ll be hard to get any answers.”

  “I know. I just…I just wanted to talk to someone about it. I mean, should I tell people I’m trans, to prevent awkward questions later?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If people know, then if someone tries to out me, they won’t be able to use it against me. If it’s a surprise, more people could be upset about it.” And accuse me of being a liar, a cheater, a deceitful person. It had happened before at my old school.

  “I’ll talk to the director and see what he says. For now, don’t worry about it okay? But if you want someone to go with you into the bathrooms…”

  “No, that’s okay.” That offer always felt weird to me. It would make me stand out. No one else needed a guard in the bathroom, why should I? It felt creepy, but I did appreciate the gesture.

  We went into the bathroom, and there were a few other boys in there. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait for a stall, so I went in and did my business. Wade still finished before me, though, and he waited for me outside.

  The walk back was silent, but before we got to the cabin, he stopped me and said, “I’m sorry about Ryan. I had actually petitioned for him not to be allowed in my cabin. He’s a known troublemaker.”

  “So why is he allowed in? Don’t they throw people out who break the rules?”

  “I wish it was that simple,” Wade said, sighing. “Ryan is the camp owner’s nephew.”

  Well, shit.

  I wondered if that was why Ella hadn’t wanted to talk about him and figured it probably was.

  “Thanks for letting me know.”

  “He’s a bully, but he’s not so bright. Just stay away from him as much as you can, and I’ll try to watch out for you.”

  It was going to be hard to stay away from him when he was only a bunk away. “You know he doesn’t like you much?”

  Wade rolled his eyes, and I laughed as he clutched at his heart, pretending to be mortally wounded. “How will I survive?” he said, stumbling.

  He then clapped me on the shoulder, and we went the rest of the way back to the cabin.

  The boys had gotten rowdy since Wade had been gone, but they quieted down as soon as he shouted at them.

  “Lights-out in fifteen, boys,” he said.

  I climbed back into my bunk and pulled out my book.

  Wade turned out the light when it was time, and I settled down to try to sleep.

  It had been an okay day. I’d hoped it would be better, but at least so far I hadn’t been outed. That was all I could hope for.

  The last thing I thought of before I fell asleep was that I hadn’t even showered yet.

  Chapter Two

  WADE SHOOK US all awake in the morning. “Get up! Time to clean the cabin!” he chirped, far too happy for the morning.

  I groaned and growled at him as he shook my leg. I did not like mornings, and chipper morning people made me like mornings even less. But I got up and grabbed my clothes. I went to the bathroom to shower and dress, and it took several long minutes to struggle into my binder while I was still damp. No one saw me, though, which was what counted.

  I hurriedly finished changing and ran back up to the cabin, so as not to be seen as slacking. It was my turn to sweep, so I made my bed and then chased everyone out once they were done so I could pass the broom over the floorboards. I did as good a job as I could, even getting into the corners.

  Once I had finished, the other boys came in and completed the other chores. There was making the beds, tapping the bugs out of the screen windows, mopping the floor, and dusting. Outside, we cleared the path to the door (rocks tended to roll down from the mountain). In addition, each cabin pair was given a community chore to do. We lucked out and didn’t have one for the first day, which meant the cabin itself was going to have to be spotless. Wade had us even reline the road outside of the cabin with rocks, since they tended to migrate as kids tripped over them or deliberately kicked them around.

  Wade looked over everything and deemed it acceptable. Finished with chores, we lined up with the other cabins to go down to breakfast.

  As before, once we were down at the dining hall, I slipped in to sit beside Ella. She was looking a little wan that morning, with red around her eyes. Lily wasn’t sitting next to her.

  “Hey,” I said, bumping her arm so she’d look at me.

  Her smile was tight, but at least she smiled at me. I decided not to press her about it. If she was upset, she would tell me why eventually, but not until she was ready. I wondered if it had anything to do with Ryan.

  Breakfast was pancakes with tons of butter and maple syrup. There was even fruit compote, which was still warm. I inhaled three large pancakes, and that made Ella laugh a little. “You eat like a teenage boy,” she muttered at me.

  “That’s because I am!” I winked at her, and she laughed again. That was better.

  Conversation picked up after that, but neither of us could share confidential news with so many other people around. So we talked about the weird dreams we’d both had that night and about the activities planned for the day.

  At the end of breakfast, Lars, the gorgeous counselor, stood up and had some announcements. His voice was deep and pleasant but slow, and I found myself wondering what he looked like under the loud Christmas sweater he was wearing. He didn’t seem to see any of us, staring off into the distance instead. “Some of you may know what I’m about to announce,” he said, “and some of you won’t. But, that’s okay! This is to tell you that at every session we have a talent show. Winners get bragging rights and pizza! Signups will start this afternoon, but the show won’t be until next week.”

  Ella poked me. “You should do it!”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because you’re a good singer!”

  “No way,” I said. I didn’t want that much attention focused on me. My singing wasn’t that great, anyway. Plus, I didn’t want to pursue it any further until I started testosterone. Who knew what my voice would sound like when it dropped?

  After, we were free to go to our morning activities.

  The compass group was to meet in the field, so Ella and I went back up the road. The dodgeball group was already forming under the pavilion, and the football people had staked out a large section of the field.

  Two counselors stood next to a pile of compasses on the far side of the field. Ella waved happily to one and said, “That’s Annabelle; she’s my counselor.”

  Annabelle was plain and pale but had a bubbly personality. Her hair was mousy brown, and her eyes were hidden behind glasses. The other counselor’s name tag said, “Rich, Cabin Two.” He was short and stocky, with a shaved head and bright blue eyes. He stood with his hands o
n his hips, looking like he was distinctly uncomfortable.

  Only a few people had signed up for the compass training, far fewer than they could have accommodated. I was kind of glad.

  We spent a good portion of the morning learning all about compasses. Rich marched us all over the field and the sparse woods just next to it, barking out orders on how to follow with our compasses. Once satisfied we knew enough, Annabelle and Rich blindfolded us and led us into the woods. We were given directions on how to find our way back, but that was it.

  I happily tromped through the forest alone, hoping Ella wasn’t too upset about it. She hated being by herself if she could help it.

  I easily made it back to the field. Ella wasn’t long after me, and she hugged me. “Help me get the sticks out of my hair,” she said as she let me go.

  She didn’t have many, but I helped her anyway, because I knew she needed the reassurance of touch.

  We didn’t need to wait to see when the others returned, so we wandered off. “Let’s go watch the dodgeball game!” she said.

  I wasn’t entirely thrilled with the idea, but she had signed up to do the compass activity with me, so I relented. There was a crowd of shrieking and laughing kids under the pavilion, throwing large red balls at each other.

  Luckily for me, we hadn’t ever played dodgeball in school. Because of its bad reputation, it had been banned in my district. I knew about it of course, because I’d seen TV shows and movies with it. The geeky or queer kids always got picked on by the jocks, har har. At my old school, I was sure that was how it would have gone, but not at my new school.

  Still, I wasn’t eagerly looking forward to playing it. What if someone hit me in the chest? Physical activities weren’t entirely fun with a binder on, either.

  We sat on the grass near the pavilion and watched. Ella explained it to me. It seemed complicated, and I only half listened, still not sure I would ever want to play it.

  We watched for a while longer, and I had to reluctantly admit it looked like fun. “We’ll do that next time,” I said. Ella hugged me—of course, she did.

  Eventually we got bored with watching, but it wasn’t yet time for lunch. Ella suggested joining in, but I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be on opposing teams, and the numbers would be uneven if we joined only one. So we went back up to the lodge to hang out.

  Washington Lodge was nearly empty, with only a few couples and clumps of friends talking and wasting time. I pulled Ella into a corner and sat her down. “Now, tell me what’s up.” It was time she told me.

  She blew her hair out of her eyes and looked away. “Okay, I’ll tell you.” Ella took a deep breath and went on. “Two years ago, Ryan and I kind of dated. We were the first for each other; neither of us had dated before. It was just here,” she hastily added when I looked skeptical. I’d never heard of her dating anyone before. I was surprised she hadn’t told me about it, and I wondered why.

  Ella went on. “That was how I found out I was aro and ace. I didn’t like dating. It felt weird. I didn’t like how Ryan was so possessive of me. He always wanted to touch me when I didn’t want to be touched.”

  That was saying something, for Ella.

  “I mean, we were only twelve, and he kept talking about us getting married and having kids.” She shuddered. “I thought at first I was asexual because of him. But I couldn’t bring myself to date anyone else, either. The thought of sex? I just can’t see myself doing that with anyone.” She took a big breath and said in a rush, “He tried to ask me out again already this year. I had to be really firm with him, and he didn’t like it. He was pretty rude about it.”

  I couldn’t relate to her asexuality, but Ella was my friend, and I tried to empathize with her as best I could. “I’m sorry, Ella. He seems like such a creep. But even if it is just because of him, so what? Maybe you’re just not ready to date?” I hated saying that to her, because asexual people got the “you haven’t found the right person yet” crap all the time. That wasn’t what I was telling her, and I hoped she got the difference.

  “Maybe,” she said, looking away again. “Will I ever be ready?”

  “That doesn’t matter,” I told her. “There’s nothing wrong with being ace, Ella. If you find someone, great. If not, great.”

  She smiled at me, and it was a little watery. I drew her into a hug. “Love you,” I told her, and she knew how I meant it.

  “Love you, too.”

  There was a commotion as we pulled apart, and I saw Alex had knocked over a bench. I hadn’t even seen him come in, but he hastily left, a huge scowl on his face and his hands curled into fists. The other kids were eyeing each other amusedly, and I wondered what they’d said to him. Had they done something mean? I frowned at them, but none of them looked guilty.

  We went outside to do something to get our minds off of Ryan. Ella wanted to show me her cabin, but boys weren’t allowed in. She did stand in the door and let me peek in, much to the consternation of the girls inside. We laughed about it, and I did the same for her at my cabin, but none of the boys were there.

  “They all look the same,” she said.

  On our walk, we spotted Lars in another loud pink sweater, that time with an Easter theme. He was also wearing a long flowing skirt, which flapped around his hairy legs and hiking boots whenever he strode back and forth across the grounds.

  The boys laughed at him behind his back, but he either took no notice or didn’t care. The girls didn’t know what to make of him. He was so gorgeous most of them drooled over him, but I think his dress sense weirded them out.

  I thought that was silly, but cis people tended to be silly sometimes about gender expression. I didn’t mind pink, but I’d never wear it, not wanting to deal with the fallout of being a trans boy in something considered feminine. Lars didn’t seem to mind the color, and he seemed like he was enjoying the skirt.

  I thought he was brilliant.

  People should be allowed to wear whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Lars looked good in a dress, but he’d probably look good in a burlap sack.

  Ella and I wasted more time just wandering and talking until we had to go down the mountain for lunch. We went back to our respective cabins to meet the counselors, who counted us and herded us to our spots.

  While we were waiting, I noticed Alex looked, if it were possible, even more morose than usual. I didn’t know him well, but he didn’t seem to have any other friends that I could see. He stood off to one side, as far away from the rest of the cabin as he could get and still be in the right place.

  I don’t really know why, but I went over to him and said, “Hey, are you okay?”

  He didn’t look at me, but said, “I’m fine.”

  “Anything you want to talk about?”

  He looked at me then, but his facial expression didn’t change. “No, I’m fine.” His jaw tightened as he looked away, glaring at the trees.

  “Okay,” I said and wandered away again. I guess he didn’t want any friends, which was sad.

  I ate with Ella again, and we were joined by both Lily and her brother, Nick. I wasn’t too sure about Nick, since he was one of the ones standing around when Ryan had been laughing at me. I was cool to him until he said, as he passed me the rolls, “Sorry, man, about yesterday. Ryan was way off base.” He bobbled his head in a strange sort of shrug. “Ryan’s an ass, but you know…”

  “It’s okay,” I said, relieved, but also not wanting to hear why he still hung around someone like Ryan.

  Lunch was fried chicken, and as promised, it was very good. We also had cornbread, which I detested, and collard greens. More cookies were served for dessert, but of a different variety than we had before. We also had fruit, and as much bug juice as I could swallow.

  Nick played a lot of video games but was into all sorts of geeky and nerdy things. He even cosplayed and explained that he was one of the youngest winners ever in a national costume contest.

  “Wow,” I said, impressed. “What character?
”

  He named one I wasn’t familiar with, and he lamented, “If we had cell phone service up here, I could show you pictures.”

  “Yeah, that’d be great!”

  Lily didn’t cosplay but was the brains behind Nick’s costuming wins. “I do all the mechanical stuff,” she explained in between bites of cookie. “Like making his chest piece glow, and the wings actually work. They’re hydraulic.”

  “I can’t wait to see this,” I told him.

  We talked more about cosplay, which I had only a passing interest in, since I couldn’t sew. But I’d been to the local comic conventions and had enjoyed most of the games and comics that cosplayers emulated. I was always impressed by the costumes.

  At the end of lunch, one of the other out-of-cabin-counselors, a tall Indian woman named Ritika, stood up and said, “We’re going to announce the Clean Cabin Award!”

  The hall quieted down, and we all eagerly awaited the news. While I didn’t care much about soda, I was hoping our hard work would be noticed.

  “Everyone’s cabin looked really good,” she said, smiling. “But it’s only the first day! Make sure you keep working hard. The first Clean Cabin Award goes to cabin three!”

  We clapped politely while they celebrated, cheering and hugging. Ritika continued, “After lunch is Quiet Time, but before you go to your cabins, make sure to sign up for your afternoon events.”

  Once the rest of the announcements were done, Ella said, “Cabin three also gets to go to the showers during Quiet Time.” She made a face and sniffed at herself.

  “Can anyone go during Quiet Time?” I thought of my hurried morning shower and how inconvenient that was going to be.

  “No,” Ella said. “And the rush is right after. We have some free time between then and activities and dinner, and everyone tries to shower then.”

  “I might try showering before bed then,” I said.

  “It gets cold. Better try it when the sun is up.”