On a Summer Night

by Gabriel D. Vidrine

  To my annoyance, Gavin was already there. I nearly turned around and walked back up the mountain. But if I could get on the opposite team from him, then it would be an excuse to chuck a ball at him. It wasn’t very nice, but at least it would make me feel better.

  But Gavin maneuvered himself to be on the same team as me. I decided to ignore him. A few times when I was in jail, though, he threw the ball straight to me. I considered just letting someone else throw the ball, but my competitive side wouldn’t let me.

  Why was he making this hard?

  I think I knew the answer, because Ella had said it. He really did like me.

  Which did not make me feel better.

  People don’t change. Gavin had shown he was more willing to keep a jerk like Ryan as a friend than stand up to him. It didn’t matter if Gavin was gay or bi, he was still hanging around people like Ryan, who hated people like him. While it was possible he hadn’t laughed about me being trans, he surely hadn’t protested when Ryan had. That was just as bad.

  I wasn’t about to involve myself with someone like him just because he was cute. My mother’s hard-fought lesson had taught me something. Abusers didn’t change.

  But the thought nagged at me that Gavin wasn’t an abuser.

  He was the abused.

  That thought stopped me in my tracks, and I got hit with a dodgeball in the moment of my inattention. I went to the jail on the other side of the court, stunned in more than one way.

  How many times had I, myself, kept silent when someone said something stupid, or mean, or phobic? It was easier to stay quiet, to not rock the boat, to not challenge your friends. Gavin was queer, so it was all too likely the only friends he had were the phobic ones. He might have managed to find another group of queer people at his school, if there were any. But he lived in a small town in West Virginia. There might not be any other out queers. We tried to hunt each other down, desperate to be around people who understood us. But for some, there might be no one. Or there was no way they could be out and open and hang with the other queer people without serious risk. Kids were still disowned, beaten up, or worse, by their families for being queer.

  If Gavin was still closeted to his family, then perhaps his only choice was to be friends with the homophobes. Especially if their parents knew each other. He would be expected to hang out with someone like Ryan. It was like camouflage: do what you could to fit in and not stand out, otherwise be a target yourself.

  I remembered Jessie, one of my friends from back home. He’d been one of the homophobes, laughing at all us queers. Until one day, he shyly approached Ella and asked her about a book she was reading. It was about being trans, and she gave it to him on the spot. While Jessie wasn’t trans, he did realize he was queer, and that book changed his life. He repudiated the haters and joined the rest of us, and became quite a good friend.

  He had told me of the intense struggle he had with being a queer boy. His parents expected him to perform masculinity perfectly: he was a strong athlete, had a string of pretty girlfriends even at his young age, was competitive in grades and everything else. But he’d hated every second of dating, which was why he’d been so bad at it. He liked sports, but he was distracted all the time because he was too busy making sure he didn’t look too long at the other guys, or that no part of his personality or look came off as queer.

  His word for it all had been “exhausting.” It was a performance, all the time, for everyone. When he found us, he was finally able to relax into being his real self. His parents nearly threw him out when they found out, calling him all sorts of names and stating that no son of theirs could ever be a “sissy.”

  But they came around, and now, Jessie was comfortable and happy. But it had been terribly hard for him to break it off with those former friends. It had taken him all of one year to finally tell them to shut up when they said something homophobic, even after he’d borrowed that book from Ella. He wasn’t friends with them anymore, but at least he’d stood up and at last said This is Not Acceptable.

  Maybe Gavin was still like Jessie. Maybe he didn’t know how to break away from Ryan. Maybe he didn’t know how to come out to his parents.

  Or maybe I was making excuses for him.

  I had to think about that some other time. The game was starting to wind down, and I was still stuck in jail. I finally accepted a ball from another camper, but missed my target. Gavin tossed me yet another one, and that time, I made it out.

  I don’t know why, but I smiled at him and thanked him.

  Chapter Seven

  THE TALENT SHOW was after dinner, during Canteen. I had nothing to wear, because I hadn’t anticipated performing or doing anything where I’d need a costume or fancy clothes.

  Alex did have a nice jacket and a pair of nice jeans but didn’t have any spares. Plus, he was a lot taller than me. I would never have fit into anything of his.

  I had T-shirts and shorts, and my one pair of jeans were kind of faded. They would have to do, as well as my nicest T-shirt. I only hoped I wouldn’t look like a total loser up on the stage.

  I was so nervous I had a hard time getting my binder back on after having removed it for dodgeball and a shower. My fingers kept shaking and slipping on the fabric, and I almost punched myself in the face once. But I wrestled myself back into it at last and managed to get dressed.

  I didn’t talk much during dinner, which had Ella worried. I could see it in her face. And I barely ate, even though both she and Alex tried to feed me. It was all I could do to choke down a butt bun, but that was all. And after drinking too much bug juice, I had to go to the bathroom again.

  We were going to the theater right after dinner, and as we trooped out of the dining hall, Lars caught up to us. He wore a flowered muumuu with his hiking boots, and was sporting pink lipstick and eyeliner. He handed Alex the guitar, ignoring the snickers from Ryan and his friends, and then hurried off to lead the procession of kids.

  “Those guys are such jerks,” Alex said, shaking his head. “I think Lars looks great.”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  While I couldn’t agree with the “great,” I did think it was good that Lars was wearing whatever he wanted. But the muumuu was too much. I thought he looked silly in it, but it was his body, not mine. He could do what he wanted with it.

  We arrived at the theater and were allowed into the dressing room to wait for the show. I was nervous because they hadn’t given us time to rehearse in the space. It was small, though, with a tiny stage at one end. There weren’t even any real chairs. Most of the kids would be sitting on the floor, though there were a few scattered couches, school-type desk and chair combinations, and a few rickety old seats of the kind where you could peel the metal off in strips from the legs. At least there was actual lighting in the place, though I didn’t have any stage makeup to wear. I didn’t think the lights would be turned up enough to matter, and it wasn’t a big show anyway.

  Alex and I sat, fretting, in the green room while we waited for everyone to arrive.

  Lars came back with cans of sodas for us. “Once you’re done, you can sit in the audience,” he said as he handed me the can. “You should make sure to watch the show and support the other participants.”

  “Thanks,” I said, meaning it. That was a good idea. Maybe it was because I was doing it, but it took a lot of guts to get up in front of a bunch of other kids and perform. I was so nervous I couldn’t taste the soda, even though it was one of my favorites.

  I realized then I didn’t even know who had won the Clean Cabin Award. I’d been too preoccupied to pay much attention to anything else. It likely wasn’t us, or Wade would have said something. I guessed we got sodas first because we were performing, and everyone else would have to wait their turn as usual.

  I wished I could see Ella before I performed, but I knew she was still mad at me. I was still kind of mad at her, too. But we never stayed angry with each other long, and this wasn’t that big of a deal. At least I kept telling myself it wasn�
�t.

  I probably wouldn’t ever see Gavin again after camp, so who cared if he liked me? Who cared what the truth was? In a few days, it wouldn’t matter. I kept telling myself that, too.

  We were on third, as Lars informed us, which was a huge relief. I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. I didn’t like the queasy feeling that had settled in my stomach, and the soda wasn’t helping it.

  I finished my soda without even realizing I’d been drinking it. I hoped I wouldn’t belch on stage while I was singing. That was a lot of soda in a short amount of time. Oops…

  Lars wandered back and told us we’d start in five minutes. When he opened the door, we could hear the crowd. The other performers had arrived, and the volume inside the dressing room had risen. Excitement was in the air, but all I could think about was how nervous I was.

  And about Gavin.

  I couldn’t do this.

  I suddenly didn’t want to go on stage and have him watch me sing. He’d be in the audience, of course. I wanted to back out, but Alex had been working so hard. I couldn’t disappoint him. And Ella. She tried so hard to be supportive of me singing, because she knew how hard it was for me to do it.

  Before I knew it, it was our turn. I was shaking, but I didn’t have time to think about anything anymore. Lars hustled us up to the stage, and suddenly we were under the bright lights. I blinked under their glare, the audience all but invisible to me. But I could see and hear Ella cheering, sitting as close to the stage as she could get.

  Alex started playing and I started singing. We didn’t have microphones, but the acoustics in the tiny theater were surprisingly good. We didn’t need them.

  Alex did a wonderful job, and before I knew it, I was smiling and having fun. I belted out the lyrics, getting into it. I loved music, loved singing, and I was doing it in front of everyone who knew I was trans. I forgot all about my insecurities about my voice. My binder didn’t seem to hinder me at all. On that stage, I was just a boy singing a song about a girl, and having the time of my life. Everyone was clapping along, and the few people I could see were mouthing the lyrics along with me.

  I held the last note as long as I could, the sound of Alex’s guitar ringing in harmony, and then we were drowned out by thunderous applause. It kind of startled me, and I had to look back at Alex—who looked just as a stunned—to check if it was real. But it was. Ella had leapt to her feet, screaming my name and laughing her head off, and everyone else was clapping so hard.

  I grabbed Alex’s hand, and we took a bow together and then hurried off of the stage. The audience was still clapping; I couldn’t believe it.

  Lars was clapping too, smiling at us like he was our proud dad. “Great job, you guys! That was your best one!”

  “Thanks!” we said together, in unison, and then shared a laugh. Alex and I hugged after Lars had taken his guitar back and headed to the stage to announce the next act.

  “That was fantastic!” Alex told me.

  “You were!”

  “No, I mean you—you were really great.”

  “And so were you!” I didn’t know how to take the compliment, so I gave him one in return.

  We glowed at each other a little bit, hugged again, and went back to the dressing room to relax. The other kids politely asked us how it went, but I knew they’d heard the applause we’d received. We might just win this show, and they knew it.

  My heart swelled in my chest. It would be perfect to win. It would be exactly what I needed. But I told myself firmly I didn’t have to win to have had a good time, that winning wasn’t everything. We hadn’t seen the rest of the show, and it was entirely possible someone else would blow us out of the water.

  But I hoped that didn’t happen.

  Alex and I got some water and then left the dressing room to go sit and be the audience for the rest of the show. Ella snuck back to join us in the rear of the theater. She crushed me in a hug, and when the next act was being announced, she whispered, “I am so proud of you both! That was amazing! You’ll definitely win.”

  I couldn’t thank her properly because of the next act coming on, but I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe I could still sing. I’d have to see what testosterone did to my voice once I started taking it, but I was more hopeful now. And I was happy Ella was speaking to me again. I was still a little mad at her for defending Gavin, but I couldn’t live without her.

  We watched the next few acts, recognizing each from backstage. Most of them were singers, belting along to recorded rather than live music. I felt grateful to Alex for being there with me, for being pretty awesome on the guitar.

  At the end of the show, Lars came out onto the stage. But he didn’t ask for us to come back up. Instead, he said, “We have one last act for you! They signed up late, but we decided to go ahead and let them perform. Please, everyone welcome Gavin!”

  Oh. I clapped politely as he came onto the stage, his red hair shining under the lights. He looked genuinely frightened to be there, squinting against the glare and searching the audience.

  In a clear voice, though it shook noticeably, he said, “This one is for someone special. He’ll know who it is.”

  There was some murmuring and titters at the pronoun. I froze. Ella was staring at me; I could feel the weight of her gaze on my skin like a blanket. Alex’s hand was on my shoulder.

  In a high, clear voice, Gavin started singing a popular love song. He wasn’t that great, but he also wasn’t the worst we’d seen that night. And he was singing a cappella. There was nowhere for his voice to hide. I tried to focus on that and not on my embarrassment.

  The song was about a love lost and regained, and as he sang, he scanned the audience, sweeping his gaze back and forth. I knew he couldn’t see back this far into the audience because of the glare of the lights, and I was glad. He was looking for me.

  My feelings tore at my insides. I wanted to disappear and never show my face again. I wanted to run up and hug him. I wanted to run away and never look back.

  But I couldn’t feel all those things at once, so I just sat staring at him as he sang his heart out, and let each emotion wash over me. Something was glimmering on his face, and with a start, I realized it was tears. He was singing about getting his love back, sorry for everything he’d done— Won’t you please take me back?

  I put my head into my elbows, resting them on my knees, and stared at the floor. My face was hot, and I was too mortified to look at him. And angry.

  Did he think singing me a song, in public like this, was going to magically make me fall in love with him?

  Ella was shaking me, and I looked up to see that he’d finished, and he was standing there uncertainly as everyone clapped for him. I hastily clapped, not really wanting to, but not wanting to be a jerk who didn’t clap for someone. He’d done a decent job and deserved the recognition.

  He staggered off the stage, and Lars came out again. “All right, let’s get all of our contestants back up on stage!”

  Alex and I went up together, weaving our way through the crowd. Everyone was applauding again, so Lars had to calm them down enough to be heard.

  He went down the line, holding his hand over our heads and calling out our names, while the audience applauded for who they liked best.

  When he got to Alex and me, the applause was definitely the loudest. Ella was screaming. I could hear her in the back, and it made me smile. They were still clapping as Lars tried to move on, and I couldn’t believe it. I thought we’d won.

  But Lars still went down the line. The other contestants all got polite applause at least, but many of them got more than that. Alex and I still had the loudest, though. It was easy to tell.

  I clapped for Gavin as Lars got to him, even if it made me feel all weird inside—guilty and proud all rolled into one.

  “All right!” Lars said. “I think we know who the winner is!” He came back over to us and shook my hand and then Alex’s. “Casey and Alex! Congratulations you guys!”

 
There was a lot of applause then, people cheering for us, being happy for us. I caught sight of Gavin with a big grin on his face as I hugged Alex. His smile made him look even better, and I hated myself a little for thinking that.

  People were slapping us on our backs and hugging us. I tried to keep myself away from Gavin, but he cornered me at one point. He only shook my hand and said, “You were amazing. Both of you.” And then he left. I stared after him, shocked and disappointed that he’d gone so abruptly. He hadn’t even mentioned his song to me.

  Had it been for me?

  What a ridiculous thought. Why was I doing this to myself?

  Wade and Lars rounded everyone up soon after that, hustling us out of the theater. It was past our usual lights-out time, which made the show seem that much more enjoyable. We weren’t technically breaking the rules, but it felt that way.

  The walk back up the mountain was filled with laughter and shrieking in the dark. Ella and I walked hand in hand.

  “I’m so proud of you,” she told me. “See? I told you; you can sing.”

  “I know, I know. I’m just self-conscious about my voice.”

  “I know you are, and you shouldn’t be.”

  “But it should be dropping by now.”

  It wouldn’t though, not until I got on testosterone. The familiar feeling of disappointment and need warred within me. I wished my parents would relent on allowing me to get on hormone replacement therapy. I wanted to grow up into a boy. It was true, my implant would keep me from going further into puberty the way a girl would, but I wanted to go through it as a boy, with everyone else.

  Ella’s arm snaked around my shoulders, and she shook me gently. “Don’t do that. Don’t get all melancholy now.”

  “I can’t help it. It takes up so much of my life, of my…brain space.”