Blog It Out, Bitch

by Perez, Nina

  After we left we stopped at Old Navy. My baby (Donny) insisted on buying me some more tummy-expanding friendly clothes. We stopped for lunch and then came home.

  Oh, and the doc gave me these samples of a liquid medication that helps nausea as well. It's a mixture of B6 and some antihistamine. I'm to take a teaspoon in the morning and two at night. It will make me sleepy, but he said it should help. If it does, he said to just call the office and they'll hook me up with more. Sooo-weeet.

  The way this office works is that each appointment throughout your pregnancy you see each doctor at least once. This way, when you go into labor, no matter who is on-call, your baby should be delivered by a physician you know, knows you, and one you're comfortable with. I still have five others to meet, but boy, I really liked this guy. Donny and I both agreed as we left that the entire staff was wonderful and we wouldn't mind in the least if that doctor was the one to deliver little Jack or Isabelle.

  Note: He totally was.

  Hey, I Remember These Nipples!

  January 30, 2008

  Since finding out we're having a baby I've only taken a handful of showers. Actually, showers pretty much stopped after the first week. When you're sick and dizzy damn near 24/7, soaking in a hot bath is much more appealing. Taking a bath also gives you the opportunity to comfortably perform a body inspection. It's amazing how many noticeable changes your body goes through in just the first few weeks and months of pregnancy.

  Hormones ain't no joke. The first few weeks you're peeing more because of them, you're sleeping more because of them, and you're growing more hair because of them. In all kinds of places. While bathing yesterday I realized that my whole body is covered in this light coating of... fur, bringing new meaning to the term, "mama bear." I've always been hairy and just chalked it up that Latina blood flowing through my veins. I was not prepared, however, for the amount of hair I noticed yesterday. On my chest, tummy, legs, arms, shoulders. What the shit? Again, I'm used to seeing hair in some of these places. Hell, we're all mammals! But everything just seemed fuller.

  I dipped my left arm under the water and the hairs immediately stood on end, flowing in the water. It looked like some scientific sea life program on PBS. I was half expecting some British guy's voice to provide commentary. "A woman in her second trimester may notice an increase in body hair. Here, a pregnant woman submerges her arm under water. Notice the thickness of the hair as it sways."

  And let's not even talk about my facial hair. Pretty soon I'm going to look like Ming The Merciless.

  Then there's the linea nigra - the dark line that runs down the middle of your stomach from your belly button and disappears under your baby bump. 'Cause you know after awhile you can't see past your belly. Anyway, that line appears because of the pregnancy hormones as well.

  During my body check yesterday, I also noticed something I'm not quite sure has anything to do with pregnancy. I have a bunch of scratches all over. Funny thing is, I don't know how they got there. They're all fairly recent too. One on my knee, two on my arms, one on my left breast, and another on my shoulder. Maybe I'm scratching myself while I sleep? Due to pregnancy hormones my nails are also longer and thicker.

  Besides the belly, of course, the most noticeable change occurs in the boobs. And not just the size. The nipples change too. The pregnancy hormones cause your areolas to darken and expand. You may also notice that the skin around your immediate nipple area remains dry. Those are pregnancy nipples. It's like they're preparing themselves for their new role as the conduit from which your child will receive his sustenance. (If you plan on exclusively breastfeeding as I do.) They realize they are not just window dressing anymore and an occasional pacifier for your man. They have to become durable for hours of feeding each day. They now have a job to do!

  Your normal, non-pregnant nipples are like a cute little purse. It's pretty, it's cute, but it can only hold like a single key and a stick of gum. But you don't care because it's cute. Pregnancy nipples are like a big hefty bag, passed down from your Grandmother. It's leathery, worn, and doesn't match shit in your wardrobe. But it has a purpose. It can hold your keys, your iPod, your iPhone, your laptop, the book you're reading, the book you've been meaning to read, an umbrella, an extra pair of comfortable shoes, some tampons, your gym clothes, your makeup, your wallet, and a midget. Pregnancy nipples do it all! But there's still that dry, cracked, leathery business to deal with.

  Ladies, just find a good moisturizer (inexpensive since you'll be using a lot) and don't worry about it because the good news is that after delivery, all of these changes will reverse themselves, and due to the same selective amnesia that allows women to forget all the bad stuff about pregnancy and have more than one child, you will forget all about the hair, tough nipples, and morning sickness. This is why I actually looked down at my tits yesterday while bathing and exclaimed, "Hey, I remember these nipples!"

  He Kicks, He Scores

  March 14, 2008

  It’s official: It’s a boy! And Jack is also officially a kicker!

  Wednesday evening, around 6pm or so, Donny and I were on the bed watching the news. I was telling him how I’d only felt small movement throughout the day while he was at work and how I really wanted Jack to start kicking. Really kicking. More for my piece of mind than anything else, really.

  I decided to get out the old doppler and listen to his heartbeat. "Pass me the KY," has become a common heard phrase around our house. So, I lube up and put the wand on my tummy, moving it around trying to find Jack’s heartbeat. I found it eventually dead center. He let us listen for a few moments and then he swam away. I found him again, we heard it for a bit, then he swam away again. He’s feisty and like his mother, doesn’t like to be bothered.

  I finally got him to sit still in the center again and while Kali, Donny, and I listened, Kali put her hand right above where the wand was.

  "I can feel him moving."

  "No you can’t."

  "Yes, I can. It’s this weird vibration."

  She moves her hand and puts mine there and sure enough I feel something. Then I take Donny’s hand and place it in the exact spot. Not five seconds later, Jack kicked!

  Donny yelled out, "I felt that!"

  "Me too!"

  Kali chimes in, "I wanna feel, I wanna feel."

  So now I got about four hands all over my belly and Jack’s heartbeat is this steady, fast, and strong rhythm playing throughout the bedroom. He didn’t do it again, but we were all happy we got to feel something.

  Last night, I was lying on my back kinda propped up by five pillows when I felt him moving center and a little to the left. I grabbed Donny’s hand and placed it on my belly. Within a few seconds, a kick!

  "Was that you?"

  "No! That was Jack!"

  "Do it again, Jack!"

  He didn’t. Like his mother, he only does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Donny was all excited for the rest of the night. He said he wants Jack to do it more and for longer periods of time. He said the kicks are too quick. I explained that it’s not ever going to be like a tap-tap-tap-tap-tap like Jack’s tapping his foot in time to movement, but that they will be more frequent and more pronounced as he gets bigger and stronger.

  "Are you happy now?"

  "Very. I finally feel a part of it."

  Aww, he felt left out. He said I would get jealous whenever I’d suddenly tell him, "Ooh, I can feel Jack moving." (By the way, as I type this he’s wiggling around right now!)

  We had a funny moment last night: If we turn in at the same time, we usually fall asleep with Donny spooning me with one of his hands on my belly. Just in case. Well, last night we turned over right after LOST went off and I stayed on my side of the bed, propped up using the laptop to chat with Sophie till about 11pm. Then I read for about fifteen minutes before turning out the light and settling in. I had my back to Donny but I heard him stir so I craned my neck around to see if he was awake.

  He was scratching his back so I
took a chance. "Hey, you awake?"

  "Mmm hmm."

  "Do you want some covers?"

  I had them all, he had none.

  "No, it’s hot in here." The ceiling fan was on and I thought it was pretty comfortable.

  "Ok. You want to touch me?"

  Now I realize I could have phrased it differently, but I wasn’t thinking. His head kinda popped up and he immediately started scooting closer. I reached back and took his hand, brought it around, and placed it on... my belly. It was then that I realized his hand was steering a little bit south of where I had intended. Sorry, Charlie. Not tonight.

  A Funny Bath Story

  May 27,, 2008

  This morning I was a mess. My feet were really swollen, every time I had to walk anywhere I felt like my pelvis was on fire and my right calf was killing me because of the horrible charlie horse the night before. Donny helped me upstairs and offered to run a hot bath hoping it would make my leg feel better.

  I was in the tub for awhile, reading a book I had propped up on the side of the tub when Kali came in the bathroom and knelt beside me.

  "Did Daddy clean the tub?" I haven't been able to clean the tub for months now, as my belly is too big and the tub is too low.

  "Yeah, why?"

  "Well, what's that?"

  I look at the water and see these spots of orange film on top of the water. There were also tiny balls, sand-like, but orange in color, floating in the water. Kali and I stare for a second and I think it looks as if they are floating up right from between my legs... and I can't see anything down there ‘cause it's just big old baby belly in the way. I call for Donny who is on our bed right outside the master bathroom.

  The three of us are stumped, trying to figure out what the hell is in the water.

  "Is it coming from me?" I shriek.

  "That's what it looks like."

  At this point Donny and I are both thinking the same thing. And it wasn't anything good. I didn't think my water had broken, but I was worried nonetheless. I mean, I don't know what amniotic fluid looks like, and it didn't help that just the night before my mother-in-law was saying that when her water broke with Donny, it came out in small trickles throughout the day. For all I know amniotic fluid looks a lot like orangey-red pond scum when released into a tub of bath water.

  Donny takes Kali out of the bathroom and I hear him meet my mother at the top of the stairs and tell her to "come here." She follows him into the bathroom and then the three of us are now trying to figure out what's in the water.

  I didn't feel any pain and though I was worried, I knew it wouldn't do any good to freak out. The three of us are trying to get some of the little orange balls (which are also now accumulating along the sides of the tub forming a ring) with our fingertips. When we did, the balls would dissolve. So, I'm naked in the tub with my Mom and husband each inspecting my bath water. Quite a scene, huh? We're touching and sniffing and I remember saying twice, "It has a kind of metal smell, doesn't it?" (Note: Before I got up from the bed to walk to the bathroom I thought I smelled metal too.)

  We had just decided that I'd get out and we'd call the doctor just to be safe when finally, my mother sniffs her finger and she says, "You know what it smells like? Vitamins."

  And then instantly Donny and I knew what it was. Right before he helped me off the loveseat so we could go upstairs and he could run my bath, I had taken a prenatal vitamin from the end table and stuck it in the pages of my book. My mother had handed it to me a few minutes before, but I didn't take it because I hadn't eaten recently and I don't like taking them on an empty stomach (doing so makes me sick.) So, I stuck it in my book and handed the book to Donny who then helped me off the couch. When Donny told me my bath was ready the last thing I did before rising from the bed was close the book I'd been reading. After I'd bathed and soaked for a bit, Donny asked if I wanted my book and then brought it to me. He sat it and a towel on the side of the tub and the pill must have fallen in the water when I opened it to read.

  My mother flicked water in my face. "You scared the shit out of me."

  My stepmother later joked that Jack got his daily vitamin straight from my wazoo today.

  Little Flames

  June 3, 2008

  I can't see the bottom part of my stomach which is probably a good thing because that's where the stretch marks live. Out of sight, out of mind. Until, of course, after Jack is born, I lose weight, and it's bikini season again. But, whatever. I'm not going to cry and stress about it. I walk around with my belly bare and Kali is fascinated. Donny's just in love and happy his baby is in there. He doesn't care what the packaging looks like.

  "I can't wait to see our baby boy."

  "Just wait till he sees how beautiful his mother is."

  He ain't slick. He's angling to knock my ass up again in two years.

  Last night I was flat on my back with my t-shirt pulled up so Donny and Kali could see Jack moving around.

  "Mommy, your belly is like a big pumpkin. Even with those little stretch marks."

  "Uh huh."

  "They're cute."

  "Uh huh."

  "And you know, I think pumpkins have little white lines on the bottom too so your stomach really is like a pumpkin."

  Today, same deal except it's just me and Donny, after watching Jack poke, kick, and roll.

  "I'm sorry. I bet this is really ugly, huh? My big old belly with those stretch marks on the bottom."

  "No, I think it's beautiful. They're like little flames."

  "I should get them tattooed after he's born. Outlined and colored in with orange and red. How white trash is that?"

  And we just laughed and laughed. The whole time my big pumpkin belly jiggled.

  Big Girl Panties

  July 3, 2008

  I caved a few weeks ago and bought big girl panties, or as I like to call them, drawers. I couldn't take it anymore. When I was pregnant with Kali, I held on to my Victoria's Secret Angel collection for dear life. I was still sporting those panties into my third trimester. I managed to do the same thing with this pregnancy, finally giving in and buying a three-pack of drawers from Target a few weeks ago.

  I'm not a panty-wearer normally, but I definitely buy them. I have this thing about buying sets. I like my panties and bras to match, even if I won't wear the panties. But should I choose to, I think it looks tacky if you're walking around in mis-matched underwear. When you're pregnant, you have to wear underwear. Between the hormones in the first and second trimesters and the cervix softening in the third, pregnant women have a lot of discharge and comfortable panties and panty liners can be your best friends.

  Plus, I think it's kinda rude going to the doctor without drawers on. Just saying.

  The other day I had just gotten out of the shower when I realized I didn't have any clean drawers. Then I remembered that I had two brand new, unopened, three packs in the suitcase of stuff to take to the hospital. I asked Donny to go into Jack's room and grab a pair. He returns with the panties in his hands, holding them up by both ends and waving them like he's fanning the flames of a fire.

  Whoomp. Whoomp.

  Just imagine the sound of a pterodactyl flapping its wings.

  "Donny, stop!"

  "What?"

  "That makes me feel bad."

  "It's fun. Look. They're as big as Kali's shirts."

  And to prove his point he spreads my big drawers on the bed and then grabs one of Kali's tank tops from a basket of clean, unfolded, laundry by our bed and places it on top of the panties. Damn if those panties aren't bigger than a Kali shirt.

  Son of a bitch.

  Discharge

  July 5, 2008

  We had a doctor appointment this morning. On the way there Donny is all, "You still having discharge?"

  "Yeah."

  Silence.

  "Wait. Why are you asking me about my discharge? Don't be asking me about stuff like that?"

  "Well, I was thinking it's something you need to bring up today.
Beverly said last week that you could be dilating and they need to know that."

  Beverly’s our birthing coach.

  "You just let me decide what I'm going to bring up."

  "You need to bring up everything."

  See, when you're pregnant with an active partner, you need to be prepared that they expect to have some kind of say in, well, everything... including the status of your vagina and everything it produces and not just the child itself.

  When we get to the doctor they do the whole weigh me and check my blood pressure thing and then it's off to the ladies room for a urine sample. I'm sitting on the toilet holding a cup under my pee stream with my head bent down when I am struck by the loveliest aroma.

  Is that coming from my vagina? I mean, I know I'm so pretty that I fart fairy dust, but my vagina has never, to my knowledge, released such a lovely odor. I must have sat there with my head between my legs sniffing for about 45 seconds. It wasn't until I was standing up writing my name on the cup with a Sharpie (don't ask why I never write on the cup BEFORE it's filled with piss) that I realized there was one of those time-release air fresheners on top of the cabinet. Duh!

  Anyway, the nurse tells me I can call in Donny and Kali from the waiting room and then she'd show us to an exam room. Then she mentions something about "a swab, a q-tip, my vagina, and my rectum."

  Say what?

  As she leaves the three of us in the exam room with instructions for me to disrobe from the waist down, Donny notices I'm pouting.

  "What?' he asks after she left.

  "I think they're going to stick a q-tip in my bum."