Here's Looking at You

by Mhairi McFarlane

  ‘You haven’t shagged him?’ Yeah, could’ve phrased that better, James.

  ‘Of course not. The last contact I had with Laurence was some grimy email blaming the Mock Rock plot entirely on you. He said he knew how I felt cos he’d once had a sales presentation “go banana shaped”. I told him to get bent. Thanks for telling him who I am, by the way.’

  James stuttered. ‘God … sorry. Loz sent me a text message saying something about Italy … joining the war …’

  Anna shifted her weight to her other foot.

  ‘From one vague text message, you assume that?’

  ‘Ah. Uhm. Mea culpa,’ James said.

  ‘Your meter’s running,’ Anna said, shivering. She turned back and followed Aggy into the flat.

  As James climbed back into the taxi, his white knight’s black chariot, he figured it out. That text had referred to Aggy, not Anna.

  No doubt when Laurence had finally given up on Anna, he’d turned to his second choice. It wasn’t an accident that Laurence had created this confusion – he wanted to see if James reacted angrily, to prove his theory that James was after Anna.

  So much for earning brownie points, anyway. After a lavish gesture that ought to have gone some way to restoring his tattered reputation with Anna, James had done a great job of plucking defeat from the jaws of victory by offending her with that presumption. He ought to be cursing himself.

  But, it turned out she hadn’t fooled around with Laurence? James didn’t expect that knowledge to make him feel so chipper.

  When the cab pulled up at his house and the driver asked him for an exorbitant total, James’s reflection in the rear view mirror revealed that without realising it, he’d been smiling.

  60

  ‘And so it’s all sorted? It’s going to be in Italy?’ Michelle said.

  ‘It’s in Italy and you’re both invited. My sister’s largesse is still large enough for you.’

  Aggy’s squealy excitement over her nuptials had previously seen her invite the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, but her impulse to include Michelle and Daniel was quite sincere. Aggy loved Michelle as Anna’s best friend and thought of Daniel and his girlfriend as part of the Anna package.

  ‘Nice one. I need a holiday,’ Michelle said, sorting cards with her e-fag wedged in the mouth, like a proper card sharp.

  ‘It’s Princess Di, Queen of Hearts! Queen of Hearts, ladies and gents,’ called a sing-song voice, over a microphone.

  Michelle turned a card over. She was trialling a new head chef and had a rare weeknight off. She demanded Anna and Daniel join her for a game of Sticky 13 at an old men’s pub in Islington.

  ‘Yep,’ Anna said, aligning her cards in colour co-ordinated rows. ‘My sister’s event planning skills kicked in. She was like a UN diplomat in Uggs. I took Chris for a drink while she hammered through Italian websites, with my dad on the phone, translating. Chris and I agreed that for the good of their relationship, we should collude behind Aggy’s back more. It turned out he’d had serious doubts about the bills and she’d told him I was overlooking her financial management to put his mind at rest! Luckily Chris has enough for a much more modest wedding while Aggy’s sorting repayments on the card bill. And the Maldives honeymoon has been swapped for staying on in Tuscany.’

  Anna sipped her drink.

  ‘My parents are overjoyed with the new location because it means all my dad’s older relatives can go. And everyone who’s met Aunty Bev is overjoyed that she’s said she’s boycotting because she hates foreign food and budget airlines. If it wasn’t for Aggy’s debt I’d say I’m glad it happened. And thanks for saying you’d host the hen night!’

  ‘Total pleasure,’ Michelle said. ‘From what Aggy says of her friends, I’ll make more from them thrashing the bar tab than I would from a full house on a Saturday anyway.’ She leaned across Daniel. ‘What kind of system is that?’

  Daniel had his cards in a whirlpool on the table in front of him, with no care for colour, card value or suit.

  ‘All makes sense to me,’ he said.

  ‘Three of Spades! Three of Spades, ladies and gents,’ said the caller.

  Daniel turned it over. ‘See. Not missing anything.’

  ‘God, I wish I hadn’t had to ask for James Fraser’s help.’

  ‘You said he sorted it pretty well though?’

  ‘Yeeeees,’ Anna conceded. ‘But between Patrick and Aggy I’ve had to eat two lots of humble pie with him. I could’ve really done without that. And it was completely out of order that he accused me of sleeping with Laurence!’

  ‘Laurence is a bit of a lad though? He was probably boasting.’

  ‘Yes, but. To think I’d do that.’

  ‘Sex is a thing that sometimes happens, my love. Not much to me anymore, granted,’ Michelle said.

  ‘Jack of Clubs! Jack of Clubs, if you please!’ called the compere. Michelle turned a card over. ‘At last!’

  As bickering over the game continued, Anna’s mind drifted to James. She didn’t quite know why him thinking she’d sleep with Laurence upset her. She’d gone on a date with Laurence, after all. She’d never explicitly ruled it out. Yet James believing that really did bother her. Had it bothered him, the idea of her and Laurence, in flagrante? He’d not been a fan of that ice rink trip, after all. She couldn’t tell. He’d still done her the favour of acquiring Aggy, so it mustn’t have bothered him that much. Unless it was a straight like-for-like payback after the Fi phonecall? That had been a strange one, hearing James’s boss wax lyrical about how she thought Anna had a miraculous effect on him – ‘We all noticed that he couldn’t keep his eyes off you, that night at the bowling.’

  Had that been true? Probably tracking her to make sure she didn’t do anything to shame him, like a store security guard monitoring a possible shoplifter.

  ‘Dan, I forgot to say that obviously your invite to Aggy’s nuptials is a plus one with Penny,’ Anna said, absently.

  ‘Thank you. I don’t think I can go,’ Daniel said, shuffling his cards.

  Michelle and Anna looked at each other.

  ‘I can’t leave The Pantry.’

  ‘Don’t be soft. There’s plenty of cover.’

  ‘I can’t afford it,’ Daniel said.

  ‘It will be pricier than other weddings of course, what with the flights, but it’s also a nice excuse for a holiday,’ Anna said.

  ‘Yeah. Penny’s talking about doing an MA in conservation. So it’s time to tighten our belts.’

  ‘Isn’t it time for her to tighten her belt?’ Michelle asked.

  ‘We support each other,’ Daniel said.

  ‘So she’s going to work full time when you decide to do an MPhil?’

  ‘Conservation, sounds interesting!’ Anna interjected, nervously.

  ‘This is no reason to miss this wedding,’ Michelle said. ‘I’m not having it. In fact, I’m giving you a raise.’

  ‘Eh?’ Daniel said.

  ‘Michelle, you don’t have to …’ Anna began.

  ‘It’s sorted. You got a raise, you can come.’

  Daniel blinked his big eyes. ‘Easiest raise I ever got.’

  ‘Two of Clubs!’ cried the caller.

  ‘Sticky 13!’ Daniel said, doing a two-arm air punch. ‘I’ve won!’

  ‘Winner buys the round,’ Michelle said.

  Daniel ambled up to the bar.

  ‘You are so generous,’ Anna said to Michelle.

  ‘Pffft, I was underpaying the stupid beardy-weirdy anyway. Loads of people want him. And do you know what he said to some woman who was being a cow about her moules marinières, last week? She announces: “Don’t contradict me, I am a cancer survivor!” And he replies: “Then I’d have thought you can put the disappointment of these molluscs in their proper perspective, madam.” I swear he should do stand up. A whole group nearby clapped. She’s flamed me on Toptable of course, but it was worth it.’

  ‘Oh God, that’s funny. Am I allowed to find that funny?’ Anna
said, hand over mouth.

  ‘What’s funnier is that she called them moules “marine air” throughout the attack on my attention to detail with saucing.’

  Michelle put her e-fag down and took a swig of vodka tonic.

  ‘It’s not Dan I resent paying, it’s her. An MA in conservation,’ Michelle said to Anna. ‘Penny’s an expert in conserving her own energy, am I right?’

  61

  James was hurtling towards Highbury & Islington on the overground when he had the epiphany. It arrived while he was staring at a discarded Metro on the floor and listening to the rattle-shake from the iPod of the person next to him. What psychopath would listen to ‘Gangnam Style’ before nine in the morning? All of a sudden, doing something about the heavy pall that had settled in his stomach didn’t seem an impossibility. It was the only thing to do.

  He bounded out of the train doors and up the stairs, pushing against the tide of commuters, through the ticket barriers and out to the freedom of the fresh air.

  He hit ‘Work’ on his phone. Please be Lexie please be Lexie please be Lexie please be Lexie … Harris.

  ‘Hi mate, I’m not going to be in today.’ James thought as he was pulling a sickie, he should try to be ingratiating. ‘I’ve puked up and I’ve got a feeling there’s going to be a bad sequel. Maybe two, like The Matrix. Could even go to Pirates of the Caribbean numbers.’

  There was a sceptical pause on the other end of the line.

  ‘Where are you? It sounds noisy.’

  ‘Highbury. I had to find a waste bin here, fast.’

  ‘There aren’t any waste bins at stations.’

  ‘No, well done Inspector Wexford, that was in the street. Do you want me to go and take a phone pic of the evidence for you?’

  ‘Nah. You’ve ruined my chorizo hash brown as it is. Is it anything contagious?’

  ‘I think it’s more likely last night’s leftover rice from the Chinese than SARS, but thanks for your concern.’

  James turned his phone off and worked out his route. He’d walk. He’d quite like to clear his head. If London’s morning traffic fumes could help you clear anything.

  Anna was walking across the lawn in front of the grand colonnades of the main building, her breath making ghosts in the freezing air.

  Across the quad, she noticed a blurred figure striding purposefully towards her. She suddenly placed the black hair and dark blue coat, as the rest of the features came into focus.

  Her heart jumped up to block her throat and she pushed it back down where it belonged and gritted her teeth. She was annoyed with him, not nervous. So why did she feel nervous?

  James reached her. He looked apprehensive. It was a strange time of day to turn up. Uh oh. Was this going to be the ‘it was a long time ago, we’re all adults, let bygone be bygones …’? Anna came to a halt with some reluctance.

  ‘Hi. Can I talk to you?’

  ‘What about?’

  ‘School. About what happened.’

  ‘I’ve got nothing to say about that.’

  ‘Will you listen while I talk, then?’

  Anna shrugged.

  ‘I want to say how sorry I am. It was awful and cruel and I can’t imagine how badly it hurt you. All I can say is that I was an utter fucking fool when I was sixteen years old and I can only hope I’ve improved since then, if far too slowly.

  ‘And I’m sorry I was an idiot when you confronted me with it, and used a horrible word. It was a lot to take in. I was in shock and blurted those things because you were angry with me and I was ashamed of how I’d behaved. I can’t believe what I said. All I should’ve done is given you a grovelling apology, and it’s shameful that I didn’t manage even that.’

  Pause.

  ‘I’ve asked myself countless times since that night at yours, how I could have done what I did at school. The truth was, I blocked out the fact that you were another human being with feelings. I decided you brought it on yourself by being different. I played along with the group to be popular. I wish my character had been stronger, but it wasn’t.’

  ‘Done?’ she asked.

  ‘… In essence?’ James looked quite fearful of her. Good. ‘I wanted you to know how sorry I am.’ He cleared his throat. ‘From the bottom of my heart.’

  ‘Is that a long way?’ she said, unsmiling.

  James managed a wan smile.

  ‘Cheers. Thanks,’ Anna said, and walked on.

  James turned as she passed him.

  ‘Is that it?’ he said.

  ‘What do you want me to say? Do you want forgiveness and absolution, so you can file this one away? Then I forgive you. Over.’

  ‘I don’t want forgiveness. I understand if you can’t forgive me, or not yet.’

  ‘Then what do you want?’ Anna asked.

  ‘To talk. To be friends again.’

  Anna shook her head.

  ‘I don’t want to be friends.’

  ‘We were getting on before I saw that picture. More than getting on. We had a laugh, we really clicked. What’s changed?’

  Anna even cringed at the words that picture. If he’d seen her in her surgical stirrups it’d have barely felt more exposing.

  ‘I never meant to have anything to do with you. It was a working relationship, after the total shock horror of seeing you in that meeting. Then I went to your company do as a favour. I knew I shouldn’t have even done that. The whole fight over the picture was a massive wake-up call. I don’t want anything to do with you.’

  ‘Because of school? You think I can’t change?’

  ‘I don’t care if you’ve changed or not. Because I’ve changed. Because I don’t let superficial dickheads get to me anymore.’

  James grimaced.

  ‘That’s harsh, Anna.’

  She was finally riled. She felt the kind of raging hurt that swelled behind the chest wall and travelled up the throat and out of the mouth in the form of ugly words.

  ‘That’s harsh?! Try five years of daily hell topped with a public demonstration that a whole school-full of people hate you, James. That they’re laughing at you for your stupidity in ever thinking you could take part,’ she spat. ‘You haven’t ever met harsh. You haven’t been near it.’

  ‘With the Mock Rock, there wasn’t as much reason to it as that. It was dumb crowd mentality.’

  ‘Oh, here we go – you think it’ll help for you to tell me it wasn’t that bad really? You think some “there there, dear” is going to do the job?’

  ‘No, this is a policy of complete honesty.’ James pulled his bag over his head and dropped it at his feet. ‘Last time I saw you, you said something about me knowing you liked me at school. I didn’t. What happened was …’ He bit his lip. ‘A month or so before, Laurence was doing one of his hugely mature “would you rather” conversations. When you were mentioned, I said you would look OK if …’ James paused.

  ‘… If?’ Anna folded her arms.

  ‘If you lost weight. And Laurence teased me relentlessly that I liked you. He put me up to the Mock Rock stunt. I did it to get him off my back. I had that teenage peer group head on where you go along with it, so it’s somebody else instead of you. I was a craven arsehole who didn’t want to be bullied either, I guess. If that’s the word.’

  ‘It’s not the word.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘No, you don’t know. That’s like telling someone who’s lost an arm in a thresher that you had a paper cut that really smarted once. No one would’ve bullied you like they did me if you’d said no. People like you can never understand a person like me.’

  ‘People like me?’

  ‘People who float through this world, who are handed things easily, who are treated as special because their face fits.’

  ‘Oh come on. I’m not for one second saying you haven’t been through the mill, but saying you’re alone in knowing suffering is a bit much.’

  ‘Did you ever get punched and hit, and your bag stolen and thrown in the bin for the crime of being f
at and ugly, James? Did you sit through detentions for lost homework rather than reporting that someone had ripped it up, because reporting it meant more bullying? Did you ever have to tell your parents you got those bruises from P.E., whilst seeing the tortured look on your little sister’s face because she knows exactly where they came from? Did you wake up every morning before the alarm went off, feeling sick at what you’d have to face? Did you count a good day as one where you were only viciously abused once every lesson?’

  James put his hand out to touch her arm but she stepped back, out of his reach.

  ‘What else? So much to choose from. Let’s see … Did you get dressed up in your fat girl dress and dropped off at the leavers’ do by your dad, wait until he was out of sight, then go and sit on your own in a park for hours, because you couldn’t bring yourself to tell your parents you weren’t welcome?’

  James stared at her, then the ground.

  ‘And best of all, did the most popular person in school make you, for one shining moment, think he might be unlike all the other bastards? Then put you in the stocks, get you pelted with food and call you an elephant? You know James, you were a tiny bit of happiness at school, for me. Just getting to look at you, thinking about you, writing stupid stuff in my diaries. You were only nice to me in my imagination, but that was enough. You didn’t need to do anything. All I needed you to do was nothing to me. But you didn’t let me even have that.’

  James was stricken, and yet Anna couldn’t hold back. It was like the floodgates had opened.

  ‘… Every night I poured it all into my diary, great screeds of misery. I promised myself that one day I would get away. That the time would come when I’d never have to see any of you fuckers again. And by being friends with you, I’m betraying that girl. That’s why I don’t want to be friends. You didn’t want to be friends back then. But you do now, now that the very sight of me isn’t an embarrassment. Well, I don’t want to know you. What did you call that, “harsh”? Why don’t you try to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and limp on?’

  It was quite a tirade and when James spoke, his voice sounded weakened by the onslaught.