Heidi looked doubtfully at her brother-in-law. “That’s very twisted logic.”
“No. It makes perfect sense.” He took another step toward her. “I don’t know what happened between the two of you. Jamal won’t tell me. But he feels horrible about whatever it is. I just wanted you to know that even at the beginning you mattered to him. You still matter, and you should give him a break.”
He shrugged. “That’s it. That’s all I had to say.” He turned on his heel and left.
Heidi stared at the closed door. Had her brother-in-law, the future king, just given her marital counseling? More importantly, was he right? Did she matter to Jamal?
She turned the idea over in her mind and wished there was a way to be sure. Because while she desperately wanted love, she would accept caring, if Jamal really felt the emotion. At this point she would be thrilled with caring because she was trapped in this marriage, and she hated the idea of living her life with a man who despised her.
Love might never be in the cards for her. Could she live with that?
She stretched out on the bed and closed her eyes. She carefully relived as much of her relationship with Jamal as she could remember. She would have to take Malik’s word on the significance of her husband not mentioning the kissing. Her brother-in-law had no reason to lie to her. There was also the time Jamal had brought her the computer disk containing the information on the El Baharian general she’d been researching. And the way he’d changed her office to one with a view of the ocean. He’d been good to her, and kind, dozens of times. It wasn’t love, but it was something positive. Was it enough?
Could she forget that she’d been humiliated and played for a fool? Was Fatima right? Had Jamal done it for all the right reasons? Had she misunderstood? After all, her heart was still tender with her new love. Perhaps she’d overreacted to the situation.
She continued to mull over the past and tried to figure out the best course of action. She would have sold her soul to be able to believe in Jamal, but she always came back to one unavoidable truth—he still loved Yasmin.
Jamal sat drinking alone. It wasn’t something he did often, but at this point he would do anything to forget. Yet no matter how much he consumed he could not erase the look of pain on Heidi’s face when he’d told her he’d known all along that she was Honey Martin. Nor could he block out her words or the sound of her sobs. All he’d wanted was to make things right between them. Instead everything was wrong.
He stared up at the stars visible in the clear night. Heat surrounded him but he barely felt it. The balcony was the only place he could be sure of solitude and right now he needed to be alone. Like a wild animal, he wanted to curl up and lick his wounds.
She wouldn’t see him or speak with him. Since yesterday afternoon, there had been nothing but silence from her. Fatima preached patience, but he wasn’t sure he had any left. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a better solution.
He’d never wanted to hurt her, he thought grimly. She was the brightest light in his world. He couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. For a man who feared his wife would reject him physically, her open sensuality had been a healing balm to his wounds. Her eagerness in bed had allowed him to believe they were going to have a good life together.
He thought he might be falling in love with her. And then he’d hurt her, and he’d known with all his heart that he loved her, and it was too late to tell her the truth.
Hating himself for doing it, yet unable to stop, he replayed that last conversation in the hotel suite. He worked out a thousand different responses to her angry confession. Each of them started with the simple phrase “I love you.”
Would that have made a difference? Would she have listened? Was it really too late for him to fix what could have been between them?
There were no answers, and he was tired of questions. Jamal set his glass on the table. He would try to sleep, although he doubted he would be able to. In the morning he would reconsider his options and come up with a plan to make her understand how much she meant to him and how he’d never intended to hurt her.
He walked into the living room of their suite and moved through the darkness to his bedroom. The bed would be empty and cold again tonight because she would not be with him. It had been so easy to get used to her warm body pressing against him. Yasmin had always clung to her side of the mattress, as if even in sleep she feared being touched. Heidi was completely different. She slept more on him than next to him. He often awoke to find their bodies entwined. He’d grown used to having her near, and it would take a long time to be comfortable sleeping alone again.
He stepped into his bedroom and reached for the light. When it clicked on, he reached for the buttons on his shirt. And froze. Heidi was in a chair in a corner of the room.
She sat with her knees pulled up to her chest. She wore jeans and a T-shirt. Her face and feet were bare and her hair was loose. She looked tired and pale. Her hazel eyes were huge behind her glasses.
He tried to think of something to say, but he couldn’t, and longing tightened his throat until he knew he wouldn’t be able to speak even if he tried.
“I have a prepared speech,” she said, barely meeting his gaze. “It would be easier for me if you just let me talk and saved your comments to the end.” She looked at the floor, then back at him. “I’ve been working on it most of the afternoon and evening, so I think I’m going to hit all the important points. But if I forget something just tell me.”
What he really wanted to do was cross the room and pull her into his arms. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, and he was sorry that he hurt her. But he sensed that would be the wrong move, so he held his ground and instead said, “All right.”
She nodded, then cleared her throat. “I’m sorry I acted like a child yesterday at the hotel. When you told me you’d known the whole time that I was Honey, I felt incredibly stupid. It was like being slapped in the face. I was caught off guard and therefore really lost it.”
“It’s my fault,” he interrupted. “I should have told you earlier. Or when you confronted me, I should have reacted differently. Either way, I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know.” She began to play with the hem of her T-shirt. She studied the movement of her fingers. “Let me finish, okay?”
“Sure.”
“I can’t explain how horrible I felt. I thought you were laughing at me or patronizing me. I felt like a fool. The biggest idiot around.” She glanced at him, then away. “I still do, but I’m trying to get over it.”
Her obvious pain hurt him. He frantically tried to figure out what he could do to make things better. “It wasn’t like that. I adored what you were doing.”
“Whatever. I still have to work that part out in my mind. The thing is I’ve never been very good with men. Lack of practice, I guess. I was so sure I was dazzling you, and all the time you were indulging me.”
“I was dazzled.”
She stared directly at him. “You promised to listen, Jamal. Not talk.”
He nodded. “Go ahead.”
She drew in a breath. “I think the best thing is for each of us to take a little time and recover from what happened. Then we have to talk about what to do.” She shrugged. “For years I never wanted to get married because I didn’t see the point. Then the king said he wanted me to marry you, and I was scared. What if I messed everything up? What if you weren’t interested in me?”
He hated her doubts. Why couldn’t she see how wonderful she was?
“The more time we spent together, the more I realized I could really care about you,” she continued. “But I was also more scared of being inadequate, which is why I said those things about avoiding sex on our wedding night. Things went from bad to worse when I found out you were still so in love with Yasmin.”
Jamal felt as if she’d slapped him. She thought he was in love with Yasmin? Now? That he mourned the loss of his bitch of a wife?
“You’re wrong,” he said flatly.
; She held up a hand. “Jamal, please let me finish. If you don’t, I won’t be able to get through this. The reason I became Honey was that I knew I wasn’t special enough to win you as myself. I thought if I was someone interesting and sexy, I would have a better chance. Actually it was Fatima’s idea.”
She shifted until her feet were flat on the floor, then she leaned toward him. “Here’s the deal. You have to decide if I’m enough just as me. While there are a few things I liked about being Honey, I’m not her. I’m not comfortable flirting like that, and I really hate the clothes and the contacts. I’ve come to see you probably weren’t laughing at me as much as I thought, but you were comparing me to Yasmin. That’s one competition I’m never going to win.”
She paused to square her shoulders. He saw tears glittering in her eyes, but she held them back.
“I understand you’re always going to love her best. I can come to terms with that. What I need to know is how much you can care about me. I don’t need so very much. A tiny place in your heart would probably be enough.” She gave him a shaky smile. “You see, I would very much like to save our marriage. You are important to me, and I love El Bahar, and I don’t want to leave. I need you to think about what you really want.”
Her honesty and pain tore through him like a knife. He could feel himself bleeding for her…for them both.
“What if what I want is you?” he asked.
“Don’t say that now,” she told him. “I don’t want you answering on the spur of the moment. Out of a misplaced sense of guilt or duty. I want you to be sure. I want you to think about what I’ve said and do what’s best for you.”
“What about what’s best for you?”
“I have to think about that, as well.”
He had a sudden terrifying thought. “Are you going to leave me?”
She shifted her gaze away. “I can’t.”
“I wouldn’t keep you here against your will.” It would kill him to let her go, but he would do it if that was what she wanted.
“I know you wouldn’t, but my leaving isn’t part of the equation. I’m not going away unless you send me away.”
She rose to her feet and crossed to the door. “Let’s talk when you’re ready.”
He wanted to grab her and shake her until she understood the truth. Instead, he opened his mouth to tell her he loved her, then he closed it and nodded. There was no point in speaking the words right now. She wouldn’t believe him. For some ridiculous reason, Heidi had it in her head that he still loved Yasmin. That he was in mourning for his late wife and that was the reason he couldn’t love her.
She wanted to give him time, and if he told her the truth right now, she would think it was out of guilt or was an attempt to make her feel better.
She left the room. Letting her go was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. Yet the feeling in his gut told him he’d done the right thing. She kept talking about giving him time, but he sensed she was the one who still had things to work out. So he would give her the time she needed, then he would tell her the truth.
But would she believe him? Could he find the right words to convince her? He closed his eyes against the agonizing thought that he could lose her forever.
Then he remembered and a smile tugged at his lips. He didn’t have to come up with the words at all. They already existed. It was perfect. She might be able to resist him, but she wouldn’t be able to resist the history of El Bahar.
Chapter 15
“I’m glad we have this behind us,” Fatima said, hugging Heidi the next evening. “I did not like you being angry with me.”
Heidi pressed herself against the older woman and inhaled the familiar scent of her perfume. “I wasn’t angry, exactly. I know I overreacted to the situation. It was one of those moments when I was so shocked and so hurt that I couldn’t think rationally.” She stepped back and stared at the woman who had been the closest thing she’d ever had to a mother. “You mean the world to me. And I know you care about me the same way. You would never do anything to deliberately hurt me.”
“Of course not.” Fatima took her hands and squeezed them. “If I’d known how this was all going to get twisted around, I would have advised Jamal to let you know the truth right away.” She paused and stared at Heidi. “So how are things between you two?”
It was a reasonable question, but one to which Heidi didn’t have an answer.
“I’m not sure,” she said honestly. “He and I spoke last night. Actually I spoke and he listened. He tried to talk, but I needed to get everything out. I told him that I cared about him and that I wanted our marriage to work, but he had to want it, too. I said he had to be willing to accept me as myself, not as Honey. I also told him that I could never be like Yasmin, and he had to be sure that he could find a place for me in his heart.”
Fatima raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think you have to worry about Yasmin being your competition. Jamal is well rid of her.”
Heidi stared at the queen. “What do you mean by that? I thought everyone adored Yasmin.”
Fatima released Heidi’s hands and crossed to the windows overlooking the garden. Despite the heat, the lushness of the harem’s foliage was not diminished and the outside lights illuminated the green plants and the base of the trees. Fatima pressed her fingertips to her temples.
“That young woman was a disappointment to all of us. Compared with Malik’s wife she was a saint, but even so, that isn’t saying much.”
Heidi felt as if she’d fallen down the rabbit hole. Nothing in her world made sense. “But Jamal adored her. He loves her still. I know. He told me.”
Fatima turned to face her. “I don’t doubt Jamal has said a great many foolish things in his life, but I know he never said he loved Yasmin.” She paused. “Actually, that’s not true. He loved her once, but no tender emotions are still alive for him.”
Heidi shook her head. “No. You must be mistaken. He said…” Her voice trailed off.
She couldn’t remember exactly what it was Jamal had said about his late wife. But she’d been sure he’d meant to imply that she was still important to him. Dear God, it had to be true. Or Heidi had just spent several weeks in hell, fighting a ghost that didn’t exist.
“It seems to me,” Fatima said, “that the two of you need to learn to communicate better.”
Heidi was still stunned by the queen’s revelation. “You have a point.”
She didn’t know what to think or believe anymore. If Fatima was right, then there was no reason for Jamal to not care about her. Unless he just didn’t have those kinds of feelings. Which she wouldn’t know until she asked. Of course, she’d made her own position fairly plain. And she’d told him it was up to him to respond. Which meant she was going to have to wait until he came to her. It had been nearly twenty-four hours. Was that good news or bad?
“I can’t believe how messed up everything is,” she muttered.
“It’s supposed to be simple,” Fatima told her with a smile. “Unfortunately, the course of true love is anything but.”
Love, Heidi thought. She knew she loved Jamal, but how did he feel about her? What if Fatima was wrong about Yasmin, and Jamal did still care about her? What if—
“Princess Heidi, would you please come with me?”
Heidi turned and saw Rihana standing in the doorway to the harem.
The young woman smiled. “Prince Jamal was most insistent that you accompany me into the main garden.”
Heidi sensed that she was about to get the answer to all her questions. She hoped they were the answers she wanted.
“Wish me luck,” she called as she followed the servant out of the harem.
“You will not need it,” Fatima said. “Of that I am sure.”
Heidi hoped the queen was right. Her stomach felt funny again, as it had on and off for the past few days. She couldn’t tell if it was nerves or the result of her pregnancy.
Why did Jamal want to see her? What was he going to say? Was it good news? Would s
he at last find out the truth about Yasmin?
Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she followed Rihana through the large double doors at the end of the corridor. They stepped out onto a stone path that wound through the garden. Despite the darkness of early evening, heat lingered in the air; Heidi’s skin prickled at the sudden change in temperature. She followed Rihana into a courtyard and then through a small door nearly hidden by a tree.
“This way, Princess,” the young woman said, motioning toward a lit stone path Heidi had never used before.
It was narrow but well marked with lush vegetation on both sides. She could smell roses and see trees heavy with pomegranates.
“Where are we going?” she asked as they came around a bend in the path.
She looked up and came to a stop. In front of them stood a white tent, about thirty feet square. The opening had been tied up on one side and amazingly enough, there were two camels out in front. A guard stepped into their path, blocking their way.
He wasn’t dressed in a regular palace uniform. Instead, his chest was bare except for a sash and the gleaming blade of the large, curved knife he held close to him. His trousers were bound at his waist and ankles, and his feet were bare.
Heidi could only stare in amazement. The man was dressed as a harem guard, complete with the ceremonial knife, kept at the ready with the pointed tip barely brushing the man’s shoulder. But he couldn’t actually be a eunuch, she thought, confused by what she was seeing. Nor was he likely to kill any man who got too close and threatened her virtue. Still, she couldn’t suppress a shiver when the guard bowed and motioned for her to go into the tent.
“Only the princess,” he intoned as Rihana started to follow.
The servant woman bowed also, then turned and started back toward the main building of the palace.
Heidi took a couple of steps in the direction of the tent. In her head she knew that she was still on the palace grounds, barely twenty feet from the entrance to the garden. But she felt as if she’d gone back in time two or three hundred years.
The Sheik's Arranged Marriage Page 20
