Always Forward

by Ginny Dye

  “Your father warned me about this,” Robert muttered as his concerned eyes scanned her face.

  “My father is a wise man,” Carrie retorted as she turned and walked across the room.

  *******

  Abby held Carrie close before she released her and stepped back. “You’ll take good care of yourself?”

  “Are you concerned about me, or about your grandchild?” Carrie teased.

  “Both, of course,” Abby agreed easily.

  Carrie caught the shadow of worry in her eyes. “My father told you about my mother.”

  “That she almost died giving birth to you? Yes,” Abby responded softly. “He told me.”

  Carrie decided it would be a waste of effort to try and hide her own concern. Abby knew her too well. “I’m going to take good care of myself,” she said gently. “Robert and I want this child. I’m not going to be careless.”

  Abby gazed at her for a long moment before she finally nodded. “You’ll let me know if you need anything?”

  Janie walked down to join them. “And me, too? I can’t believe I’m going to be so far away while you are pregnant.”

  Carrie managed to laugh around the lump in her throat. “You just want to see me get fat,” she accused.

  “That too,” Janie conceded, but then she grabbed Carrie’s hands. “I know you are the last person you think about so I’m not going to tell you to take care of yourself. I’m going to tell you to take care of your child.”

  Thomas appeared on the porch with Matthew, loaded down with suitcases. “I trust y’all are talking sense into my hard-headed daughter.”

  “The best we can,” Abby assured him, and then stepped forward to hug her stepdaughter again.

  Carrie savored the warm embrace. She had been too sick since the discovery she was pregnant, to talk about the things that were really on her mind. She longed to have a long conversation with Abby, but now they were going to again be separated by the miles between the plantation and Richmond.

  When Janie stepped away to talk to Rose, Abby lowered her head to Carrie’s ear. “I know, honey. You are excited about your child, but you are also wondering about your future.”

  Carrie stiffened as Abby spoke the words she had fought even acknowledging.

  “It’s perfectly normal, Carrie, but I just want to tell you that having children doesn’t have to end your plans. They will change some, but you can still be a doctor.”

  Carrie closed her eyes tightly as she sagged into Abby’s arms for a brief instant.

  “It’s time to go,” Thomas called. “We want to make Richmond before it gets dark.”

  “Thank you,” Carrie whispered before she stepped back from her stepmother. She had the same questions swirling through her mind, but she no longer felt so alone.

  *******

  The next minutes were a flurry of activity. When the carriage finally disappeared into the distance, Carrie sank down on the step and gazed up at the sky dotted with fleecy white clouds that had danced their way onto the azure canvas.

  “I will miss everyone, but I think I’m also going to enjoy the peace,” Rose said as she sank down next to her.

  “Yes,” Carrie agreed absently, her eyes watching the flight of a hawk circling above them, the sun glinting off the red in its feathers.

  “Feel up to visiting mama?” Rose asked.

  Carrie watched the hawk as she pondered the question. She knew Rose felt the angst tightening her belly. She couldn’t blame pregnancy for what she was feeling at the moment. Rose was offering her the chance to talk, or the opportunity to remain silent if that was what she needed. “I might get sick,” she finally murmured.

  “Mama and I won’t mind.”

  Carrie was grateful for the warm breeze as they walked slowly through the woods. Sunlight transformed the grey bark of hundreds of trees a shimmering silver. Cardinals, blue jays, and an army of sparrows created bright splashes of color as they flitted through the branches. She felt herself relaxing as the forest embraced her, but the questions continued to rampage in her mind.

  Carrie sank down on the log pulled in front of Sarah’s grave. “I’d give just about anything to have a talk with your mama,” she whispered.

  “I know just how you feel,” Rose answered. “Of course, she would just tell you that the baby growing inside of you is a gift from God. She would tell you that you are going to be a great mama, and that she knows you love your child already.” Rose paused. “She would also tell you it’s perfectly normal to be wondering if your dreams will ever come true.”

  Carrie drew in a shaky breath as she lowered her head. There was no reason to deny the feelings with her best friend. “You think so?”

  “I know so.” Rose reached over and took her hand.

  Carrie gripped it tightly as the feelings she had been pushing down rushed forward and attempted to overwhelm her. “I’m afraid, Rose.”

  “Of what?”

  Carrie appreciated that Rose didn’t tell her she shouldn’t be feeling afraid. “That I won’t be a good mother. That I’m crazy to raise a child in this world. That everything I’ve done to become a doctor will have only been a waste of time.” Her voice faltered. “…And then I feel terrible…”

  “For even thinking and feeling that?” Rose finished. “I felt all those same things. Oh, not so much when John was born because I didn’t even know enough about what it would take to follow my dreams to think it might be harder with a son. I didn’t even really feel it so much with Hope, but…” She stopped to take a deep breath. “I was terrified for Moses to bring Felicia home because I thought it meant I would have to give up everything I ever wanted. I felt terribly selfish, but I couldn’t deny I felt my dreams slipping further away. I didn’t want my feelings to hurt a ten-year-old girl who had just lost both her parents.”

  “What did you do?” Carrie whispered.

  “I went down by the river to talk to my mama – the very same day Moses brought her home. She told me I was borrowing trouble before it came.”

  Carrie managed a smile, not doubting for a moment that Rose had heard Sarah’s voice from the other side. “That sounds like her. What else did she say?” She was desperate for words of wisdom that would calm her heart. The reality that they were coming from a dead woman only seemed to give them more importance.

  Rose smiled, closed her eyes, and then repeated what she had heard by the river that day. “Ain’t I teached you nothin’, girl? God sho ‘nuff didn’t give you this burnin’ desire just to let it smolder out here on the plantation. You go ahead and love that Felicia child like you love your own. You ain’t got no idea what a gift she is to you. You’ll figure it out soon enough. Your time is coming, Rose girl. Your time be coming…”

  Rose pulled her hand free, and rested it on Carrie’s shoulder. “I reckon she would say the same thing to you, Carrie.”

  “Why is that my time seems to always be coming?”

  Rose shook her head impatiently. “Now you’re just being silly,” she scolded.

  Carrie’s eyes widened, a little shocked by the sudden change in tone. “What do you mean?”

  “You act like this happened to you, Carrie. You are the one who decided to stay on the plantation. You are the one who was afraid Robert couldn’t have children.” Rose took a deep breath as the hot words spilled out. “If I didn’t know you better, I would think you were just looking for something to be afraid about.”

  Carrie shrank back, but didn’t look away from the challenge in Rose’s eyes. What was the point of having a best friend if they couldn’t speak honestly? If Rose was speaking the truth, she needed to know it. Was she looking for something to be afraid of?

  Silence filled the clearing as she forced herself to think about what Rose had said. The wind died down to a whisper as the sun’s rays landed on Sarah’s simple headstone, causing the mica in the granite to glisten and twinkle. Finally she lowered her head. “I don’t know how to be two people,” she admitted. “How can I be
both a mother and a doctor? My mother always told me I should just be happy with being a plantation wife and mother. I think she knew I couldn’t be more than that.”

  “Do you believe her?” Rose asked. Her voice was calm, but her eyes were flashing.

  Carrie thought back over her childhood; reliving all the times her mother had tried to shape her into someone she could never be. She had already accomplished so much more than what her mother had believed a woman was capable of. She laid a hand on her stomach and tried to feel the life that was growing there. What was it about the baby growing inside her that suddenly had her doubting everything she had come to believe about herself? “How do you do it?” she asked, suddenly desperate to know. “How can you be the mother of three children, and still believe you can go to college and be a teacher?”

  Rose seemed to understand the desperation in her voice. “I do nothing for my children if I choose to be less than I am,” she said bluntly. “I’m afraid every day of raising my children in this world, but what choice do I have? This is the world they were born into. They are going to have more opportunities than I could have ever believed possible when I was their age, but they are probably also going to encounter more hate and danger than I even knew existed when I grew up on the plantation.” Her voice grew firmer. “The only way I can make things better for them is to help change things. The only way I can make things better for all my students is to help change things.”

  Carrie shook her head impatiently, the angst she felt swelling in her chest and throat until she was afraid she couldn’t breathe. “But how? I know the reasons why, but you’re not telling me how.”

  Rose sat back and stared at her for a long moment, obviously trying to formulate words that would answer her question. “The same way you survived the war,” she finally said as she grabbed one of Carrie’s hands. “How many times did you feel you couldn’t possibly go on when the wards at Chimborazo kept filling with wounded men fighting for their life? How many times were you so tired that you just wanted to curl up somewhere, but somehow managed to pull forth the energy to keep going? How many times did you have to choose to simply do it because you didn’t really have any other choice?”

  Carrie met her eyes steadily. “Every day of the war,” she admitted.

  “How did you do it?” Rose asked quietly.

  Carrie managed a smile. “I understand.”

  “Do you?” Rose persisted. “You’re not answering my question. How did you do it?”

  “I just did what needed to be done,” Carrie replied slowly. “I didn’t really think about the how. I just did it because there were people who needed me. I did it because I wanted to be a doctor. I did it because I saw Robert’s face in every single soldier I treated.”

  “So you just figured it out each day?” Rose asked keenly, her black eyes snapping with passion.

  “Yes,” Carrie whispered, the knot in her stomach unraveling as the truth of Rose’s words and questions penetrated her fear.

  “And that, Carrie, is exactly how you will be a mother and also a doctor. The how is not important. The why is everything. You will figure it out as you go.” Rose’s gaze softened. “We both will.” She turned back to stare at her mother’s grave. “I wonder every day how I’m going to go to school with three children,” she admitted quietly. “But then I remember the why, and I know I’ll just have to figure it out as I go. Mama used to tell me I could spend all my energy worrying about something, or I could just go do it.”

  Carrie sat quietly for several minutes, gripping Rose’s hand tightly as she stared at Sarah’s grave. Gradually, new understanding replaced all the angst and desperation. She placed her hand on her stomach, and turned her head to gaze into Rose’s eyes as tears filled her own. “I’m having a baby,” she whispered.

  “That you are,” Rose replied joyfully. “The morning sickness will go away soon. Then you’re left with months of feeling a new life grow inside you. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world,” she said hoarsely, memories filling her eyes.

  Carrie smiled brilliantly. “Even when I’m sick, I think about who is growing inside me. I wonder what they will look like? I wonder what they will become.” Her smile dimmed. “I also wonder what kind of world I’m letting them be born into.”

  “A world they can help make better,” Rose said firmly, and then sighed heavily. “I would give anything to protect Felicia, John, and Hope from what the world is like right now. I can’t imagine any parent not feeling the same way.”

  Carrie nodded. “I hoped our country would be so different after the war. I thought everything would be alright once slavery had ended. We went through so much during the war…”

  “But it hasn’t ended,” Rose finished grimly.

  Carrie suddenly realized how petty her own fears were. “I’m sorry!” she cried.

  “What are you talking about?” Rose demanded. “What are you sorry for?”

  “For being so upset about how I was going to be a mother and a doctor,” Carrie answered, her mind spinning furiously. “At least my child won’t have to worry about being treated badly just because of the color of their skin. I don’t have to worry about my child being denied the right to live the life they want to.”

  “Only if it’s a boy,” Rose said dryly, a hint of amusement lurking in her eyes. “Women have to fight for everything, no matter what color we are.”

  “I’m serious, Rose,” Carrie insisted. “As much as I try to understand, I know it’s not possible for me to truly understand what it is like to be black in America.”

  The amusement faded from Rose’s eyes. She turned to look back at Sarah’s grave. “It is what it is,” she said finally.

  “I heard Jeremy and Matthew talking yesterday,” Carrie admitted. “They both think matters are going to get worse.”

  Rose sighed, but remained silent.

  “It’s not right,” Carrie said fiercely. She wanted to protect her best friend’s children as much as she wanted to protect her own. “We have to make it different.” She was startled when Rose spun to look at her with eyes full of bold strength, determination, and an odd desperation.

  “And we will,” she announced. “We don’t have a choice. Our children are depending on us.”

  Carrie gazed at her, almost overwhelmed with the strength she felt flowing from her best friend. The words penetrated her soul, and filled her heart. “You’re going to be a great woman, Rose.”

  “Yes, I am,” Rose agreed easily, a tiny smile erasing the desperation. “We are both going to be great women because the time we are living in requires great women. We can count on others to change things, or we can just do it ourselves.”

  Carrie let her words fill the clearing. The barren trees seemed to reach out to capture the words, and hold them suspended over their heads where they could be carefully examined. The weak winter sun cast a glow over them as their truth spun a cocoon to envelop them.

  Carrie finally nodded, a new strength and purpose filling her. “We will be great women,” she agreed. Then she frowned.

  “What?” Rose asked, a little impatiently.

  Carrie turned to look back at Sarah’s grave. “Your mama told me one time that greatness comes from great suffering.” She paused, not really wanting to put into words what she was thinking, but pulled forward by the desire to hear what Rose’s answer would be. “Do you think we have suffered enough yet to be great, or do you think more is coming?”

  Rose shifted her eyes to her mama’s grave. “Right now I’m just wishing my mama wasn’t always right,” she said hesitantly. “We’re both not quite twenty-five years old,” she added slowly. “I wish I could believe we have both suffered enough to be truly great women, but…”

  Carrie continued to hold her best friend’s hand. “I can handle anything as long as we handle it together. I will always be here for you, Rose,” she promised.

  Rose turned to her with a glowing smile. “And I will always be here for you, Carrie.”


  The promise wrapped Carrie in a blanket of warmth that held her close as they walked back to the house. She smiled, as she always did, when they broke free from the woods and she saw her home outlined against a sky kissed golden by the waning sun. The three-story white home with its columned porch and carefully guarded secret always made her feel safe. She tightened when a sudden burst of wind scudding across the sky sent a thick cloud to blanket the sun, plunging the house into a dark shadow.

  Carrie frowned when her heart quickened with alarm. The question rose from within and threatened to swallow her. What would she have to suffer in order to become a great woman?

  Chapter Three

  January 8, 1867

  Janie pulled her heavy coat closer as she hurried through the snow-clogged, Philadelphia streets. She pushed aside images of the pristine white covering Cromwell Plantation as she stepped around another mountain of grey snow that had been pushed aside, and was now covered with coal soot. The roads were fairly clear; the air filled with the clop of horse hooves as wagons and carriages jockeyed for position. Street vendors yelled for her attention, but she had become adept at ignoring them. She lowered her head and walked more quickly.

  She and Matthew had only been home two days. Her brain was spinning with all she had learned that day at the Homeopathic College. Thinking about her courses made it easier to push aside memories of the peaceful plantation. She was happy to be back at school – she merely wished it was possible to be in two places at one time.

  As she drew closer to the yellow-sided home she now shared with Matthew, her discontent disappeared. She was married! The surreal glow that had surrounded her since her wedding on Christmas Eve was slowly beginning to feel like reality. She really was Matthew’s wife!

  The warm glow from the windows told her he had arrived home early today. He had warned her he would probably be late tonight. Her heartbeat quickened with alarm. Only important news could have made him leave the Philadelphia Enquirer office early so soon upon his return.