Toska

by A. R. Kingston

  “You’ll need a keycard to get in there.” A hoarse voice is speaking softly in my ear.

  Panicked, I turn to see a scruffy middle-aged man with short sandy hair in green scrubs standing beside me. There is a kind smile on his face as his storm-gray eyes study me. He seems to have appeared out of thin air leaving me to stand there wondering what I should do. Without saying another word to me, he pulls a picture ID from his waist and presses it against a black pad next to the door. With a mechanical beep, a green light comes on the pad, and I hear the lock release with a click. The man pushes the door open and walks in halfway. Pausing inside the frame he turns to look at me.

  “Well, are you coming or what?”

  Not knowing what else to do I follow behind silently, contemplating who this man is and what he intends to do with me. I reckon if need be I could always vanish and escape the hospital unnoticed, but then I remember Victor, he is the only reason I’m here. If I was to leave now I would have nothing to help him, and he needs me more than ever. Following a stranger into an empty sound-proof room may be risky, but this is a risk I am inclined to take for Victor.

  “What are you going to do with me?” I finally ask

  “Get you what you came here for,” the man glances over at me with a smirk, “blood.”

  “How could you possibly know what I came here for?”

  “I know everything about you Katya Orlova, and that fiancé of yours.” He reaches into his scrub pocket and pulls out a small card.

  Taking the bright white cardboard from his hands I look over it, frowning. This is a strange little rectangle with a raised black rose along its left edge. On the side of the flower in raised black letter is the information I seek.

  Order of the Shadows

  Vasily Kozlov

  Grand Knight of the Fifth Order

  Lodge 9

  Moscow, Russian Federation

  “What is all this?” I ask turning the card over in my hand to see if there is anything I missed, but this is the only bit of information it contains.

  “Just what it says, my business card I guess. I’m part of a secret order that has been around since the dawn of human civilization. Our job is to keep an eye out on the supernatural. We keep track of all the creatures roaming around the city, make sure they do not get out of control, contain or dispose of them as need be.”

  “So why are you helping me?”

  “No reason really. Call it boredom, or my kind nature, whatever really, it doesn’t matter.” He glances at me again and winks. “Plus, I got a bet riding on you Yekaterina.”

  “What type of bet?”

  “Nothing that you really need to worry about yet. You have more pressing matters at hand, don’t you?”

  “Yes…” I am a bit peeved that he refuses to tell me more than he has, but as with Shawn, I’ll just need to trust him. “…Victor needs blood.”

  With a loud snort, he walks to one of the freezers and starts looking over the information printed on clear bags full of scarlet gold. Most he puts back in the freezer, but an occasional one makes it to a large bag he is holding. Going from freezer to freezer he repeats this curious ritual until he has about a dozen packets of blood in the sack. Closing the canvas bag shut he hands it to me, and I reluctantly take hold.

  “Don’t worry…” he rubs the tip of his nose “…this stuff will expire in a few days, it’s useless to us, so you might as well put it to good use.”

  “Thank you…I think.”

  “Never were the trusting sort, were you Katya?”

  I don’t answer him; this man seems to already know far more about me than I do about him. The strange lack of higher ground unsettles me as I cannot begin to try and discern the intents of anyone I don’t know. Noticing my apprehension, he chortles and reaches into the pocket of his scrubs again. Yanking out a short can he hands it over to me. Accepting it, I look over the label, canned salmon.

  “What’s this?”

  “Food for your little furry friend back home.”

  “Thank you,” I frown at him not liking this one bit. “Think you can guide me out of here?”

  “Sure,” he points behind me with a playful wink. “The blood bank entrance is right there, I’ll go scan you out.”

  Vasily opens up the secret door for me, hidden under a stairwell on the side of the clinic and I escape the infirmary for the bright safety of the city street. Making haste for the direction of the apartment I pass a few people by going about their day, they pay no attention to me, but I still breathe a sigh of relief when I see the mint green building in sight. Rushing through the door to the apartment like a bat out of hell I am greeted by the furry monster rubbing up against my feet.

  Fishing around in my pocket I pull out the canned fish the man at the hospital gave me. Cracking open its lid I set the tin down on the floor of the kitchen, and the cat goes to work, letting out muffled rumbles as it eats his food. Looking over at the mattress I see Victor is still sleeping, he has gotten worse in the short time I have been out. Shaking my head, I open the fridge door, it’s dark inside, but it doesn’t matter, the room is so cold that the blood won’t go bad being out. Placing the canvas bag inside the metal safe, I shut its door and walk over to Victor.

  Settling down on the mattress next to him I roll up the hem of his pants so I can start treating his cut, it's filled with yellowish-green puss again. Emptying my pockets of their contents I scrub the infection off, pouring iodine over the oozing cut. As I start stitching Victor up, he flinches in his sleep as the needle and sutures work through his leg. Looking over my handiwork, I have to admit it's pretty good considering my only course in medicine had been observing medics on the battlefields. Wrapping his wound in gauze, I hope and pray it doesn’t get any worse; I don’t think I can handle losing him again.

  Holding his head in my lap, I stroke his hair, wondering how I ended up here. I know I was no saint in life, but I was not the person I was becoming either. Back in my life, I would not have considered breaking into a hospital to steal supplies; now I do so without hesitation. Ashamed by everything I’ve done I steal a glance at Victor’s sleeping face. In my moment of silence, I understand that I may not be the person I want to be, but I am the person he needs me to be. Tilting my head to the ceiling I shut my eyes, waiting patiently for the sun to fully set and Victor to awake.

  When Victor does finally wake up he is far too weak to even sit up, his entire body is shaking, and he is visibly in pain. I doubt he can endure like this for much longer. Helping him up, I offer up the blood I got for him earlier today. At first, he is upset I would go so much out of my way to feed him. But after I tell him that I could not help myself, he takes a blood-filled pouch from me begrudgingly. I know he is angry with me, but I can live with that. I already lost him once; I’d be damned if I let it happen again. Victor drinks five packets of blood, his hunger more savage than last night. His thirst is greater than it should be, but the human blood seems to make him feel better, at least for now.

  We sit with our backs against the wall and talk. He has his hand on top of mine; I can feel it’s still trembling, his palms are still clammy. There is no way around it, after tomorrow I will have to go back to the clinic and see if Vasily can help me out once more. I’m more afraid now than I ever was; I’m scared of what is happening to Victor, and I am terrified of what I must do to save him, of the person I’m slowly morphing into. We were good people in life, but in death we are reduced to nothing but savages, stealing and killing to survive. This life has turned us into the very monsters that we have always feared.

  10

  Eternal Sacrifice

  A

  fter a week of feeding on packaged human blood, Victor still has not gotten any better. Actually, he has only gotten worse. His daily feeding has increased from five bags to eight, and he was still not able to regain his strength. For the past few days and nights, all he does is sleep as his fever continues to fester. The cut on his leg has not healed either, in fact, it
continues to bleed. It has gotten to the point where I am forced to change the gauze on it several times a day.

  Victor’s health is not the only thing that has gotten worse. Lately, the shadows too have become suffocating. Every night now I feel their black tentacles slithering in the darkness, reaching for me. From within the deepest recesses of the building I hear it call my name. Whatever it was that I encountered at the clinic that day was still here, and it has gotten stronger since then, even in the day I feel its presence reaching for me.

  I don’t tell Victor any of this; I don’t want him protecting me when he needs to focus on getting better. Not that he can protect me from this, not from the thing that hides deep inside me, waiting to claw its way out. Wrestling with the darkness on a daily basis is becoming tiring, and I am no longer certain that I can stop it from taking over. In all honesty, part of me wants to surrender to it, to let it consume me, because I know that’s what it wants. Still, I keep fighting it, I can’t help it, the fight is all I have left.

  Guess I might as well admit that I had felt this thing festering inside of me ever since I first stepped foot in the city the night I found Victor. Some unholy being has been growing in the caverns of my heart, threatening to destroy me from within. So far, I have been successful at battling its temptations, but there are times I feel like I’m going to lose at any moment, submitting to the darkness within. No one knows this, I’m too frightened of it to tell anyone, but most of all I’m scared of what I might become.

  Sitting against the wall I stroke Victors hair while I contemplate what may become of me if I give in to the urge of letting this beast take over. I sense that it wants me to become a part of him, join him on a quest for something greater. It has come here for something, I can feel it searching for what it wants, and I feel like I am one of the keys for him to achieve this. Something inside of me links me to this evil creature; I get a distinct impression that our fates are linked together, I just don’t dare ask why.

  A robust shudder crawls down my spine as Victor begins to convulse in his sleep, forcing me to push those dark thoughts to the back of my mind. Getting him to settle down, I decided the only sensible thing to do is to go back to the library and talk to Father McAllister. It’s a long shot, but maybe Shawn’s research has uncovered something new that may help us. Healing Victor is my number one priority now; I have little choice, if I leave now I can be back before sundown.

  Leaving Victor in the care of the tabby cat, I set off for the library. I choose to keep my form hidden, not wishing to be noticed. The spirit world is different too lately, more sinister than it has ever been. Despite being early afternoon in the physical plane, from the spiritual perspective, it looked like it was dusk as if some magic had dimmed out the sun. This means the dark beings no longer need shadows to survive; they are free to explore our world in broad daylight. One such being followed me; I can hear its muffled footfalls behind me, I pay no attention to it, I know it won’t harm me.

  As I reach the front gate of the library, the stalking stops, looks like it will settle for waiting for me here. The beast must be aware why I’m here, but it doesn’t matter, he is powerless to stop me. With a slight smirk on my face, I push through the wood door and head straight for where Shawn will be. The shadows inside the stairwell watch my every move, not daring to do a thing to me as if their master has told them he needs me alive.

  On the third floor, the light in the hall has been fixed; I don’t have to worry about a hellhound attacking me again this time. Still, dark mists swirl on the ceiling above my head, surreal voices emanating from within their gloom. Ignoring their foreboding presence, I shuffle down the hall, strolling through the solid wood of the restricted section. I scan the room for the person I came here to see. It doesn’t take me long to find Shawn, sitting in the same spot, his books, and notes spread out all over the table.

  “Hello, Katya,” he says without looking up from his work.

  I materialize into the physical world and walk over to where he is sitting. Pulling out one of the great oak chairs, I sit beside him. Shawn finally looks up from his notes and studies my face. Removing his glasses, he cleans them on his wool sweater. With a heavy sigh, he slips the glasses back onto his face and takes hold of my hand.

  “What’s wrong. Did something happen? Is it Victor?”

  “He’s sick Father, very sick. I have tried everything you told me to do, and he just won’t get better.”

  “Slow down, and tell me exactly what is happening to him.”

  “He has a fever, so bad that he trembles in his sleep and sweats profusely. He is always hungry for blood, more so than normal, and he’s frail until he gets his fill. I have been fetching him eight packets of blood from the clinic each day now, and it doesn’t seem to help. Then, there is this cut he got on his leg, not only does it bleed purplish red, it won’t heal. I went as far as suturing it, but it did nothing for him, that’s not normal even for a human, let alone the supernatural.”

  “I see…” he says nodding gravely “You were right to come to me for help. The situation is a lot worse than I expected.”

  “What’s wrong with him?”

  “I have been suspecting this would become a problem, I think I know what may be the cause of all this, but I need to look up one more thing before I can be sure.” Shawn gives me a serious look. “Katya, do you remember who killed you?”

  “No, but what does it matter?”

  “It matters a lot actually. I think I know how to help you, but we need to know who did this to you, or I am afraid Victor will die. Get Victor and yourself out of the city Katya, go to Dedinovo and figure out who pulled the trigger. Don’t come back until you know for sure who the culprit was.”

  “What good will that do, I already told you everything I can remember from that night.”

  “No Katya, you told me everything your mind could handle remembering. Our brain does an excellent job of protecting our fragile psyche, so when something is just too much to bear, it will effectively block it out from our memory.” He pushed the glasses back up the bridge of his nose “I think you saw who killed you that night, and I believe that you know why they did it, but you need to shake those memories loose. You must go back to the scene of the crime and force yourself to remember, or I am afraid I can’t do much for Victor.”

  “So, you think going back home will really help?”

  “Yes, and frankly, Victor could stand to get out of the city. I am positive you will discover that the country air can have a certain healing quality to it. And don’t worry, while you are away, I’ll continue my research and let you know the second I find something.”

  “But Victor is far too weak to get out of the house; I’m not sure he would make the drive even if I did get him the usual packets of blood. And well, I don’t know how to drive, so I’m afraid I can’t help him there.”

  “You’re right…” Shawn nodded his head with a grave tone in his voice “I’m afraid he will require fresh human blood for that.”

  “Shawn, you can’t possibly be suggesting that I find someone for Victor to kill.” I let out a shrill yell and quickly cover my mouth remembering where I am “I can’t do that.” I whisper, angry at what he was implying. “How can you even ask that of me?”

  “Look, Katya, we both know that you would do anything for Victor, so why not make this easier on yourself?”

  “How can this be made easy?” I seethe under my breath. “I’m not a murderer, and now you expect me to go out and find a victim for Victor to suck dry. I might be a ghost, a woman forsaken by her God, but a killer I am not.”

  “I know it’s hard, as supernatural creatures we often have to do a lot of things that conflict with our morals in order to survive, that’s just the nature of the game. But you don’t have to get Victor a victim; you can find someone who is about to die anyway. I know you can smell when a person is ripe.”

  “I see…” I nod my head, surrendering to the inevitable “I guess you have a po
int. Up until now, Victor only killed escorts and prostitutes, but still, am I really someone who should be deciding who gets to live or die? After all, who granted me the power to decide when the time has run out for someone?”

  “Ah yes, the age-old question; who are we to judge another? Well here is an answer you can understand, we all judge, and none of us are free from judgment. The person that killed you did not care about your human moral implications, so why should you? Not to mention it’s more of a choice at this point, who would you rather see die; Victor, or a stranger who was doomed, to begin with?”

  Crossing his legs, he studies my face as I look down on my lap with the realization that he is right. The answer to his question was so straightforward and simple, yet its moral implications continue to eat away at me. Somewhere from inside of me, a voice is calling out for me to do it, this time I have no choice but to surrender to the darkness. Suppressing the flames that raged inside me again, I looked up at Shawn with a single, solemn nod.

  “Alright. I’ll do it.” A tear streams down my face as my voice quivers, sharp nails dig into the palm of my hands. “I’ll do what I have to so that Victor can live.”

  “Good girl. Now go help Victor, I will look more into what is going on here, just leave me your address again, so I know how to contact you once I find something out.”

  I scribble down the address of the apartment in one of Father McAllister notebooks, so he does not lose it again. Leaving Shawn at the library, I wonder the city streets attempting to come to terms with what has become of me, how far I have fallen from the pedestal of my former life. We needed to get out of Moscow, and we needed to do it tonight, so whoever my sacrifice had to be, I needed to find them and fast. My entire body was in agony at the thought of what I had to do, but what choice did I have? When the decision came down to killing a random stranger or a loved one, even the most rational being would choose to save their loved one, it’s a fatal flaw in our design.