Walk Beside Me (Walk Series)

by HJ Bellus

  The sight of the love of my life, Finn, my prosthetic, and the proof of the baby we made undoes everything I fought to get back and earned that summer with him. It all throttles me straight back to my graduation night where I’m holding my mom’s bloody body and then straight into the hospital room where those red roses haunt me making me feel worthless. It all lies before me on the cold tile floor and I’m the only one to blame this time. I fled at the first threat. Simply ran away when it seemed too much.

  Finn finally looks up at me, and once again we are mirror images of each other with our tears flowing. Finn sits back on the tile with his back resting on the wall. I watch as he drags me into his lap and just like a ragdoll I easily fall into him. The feel of his hands, scent of his skin, and tone of his voice have haunted me night after night.

  “Tess,” the sound of his voice cuts deeper into me. “Calm down, baby.”

  The deep tone to his voice calms me and an insane effect sends me further spiraling out of control. It’s something I’ve wanted to hear for months. Late at night, I’d catch myself listening to old voicemails from him. I thought if only I could hear his voice one more time that everything would magically be okay, but little did I know I would be walking straight into the hornet nest.

  “She’s pregnant.” I force myself to pull back from Finn’s solid chest. “Kara is pregnant.”

  Finn buries his head in the crook of my neck and bites down on a piece of my flesh. I barely hear his mumble through his tears and clenching teeth, “You left me, Tessa. You left me. You didn’t come to me when my dad hit you with his shit storm. You left.”

  His answer is crystal clear and deserves no more explanation. I don’t even feel the urge to question him or prod him for details. Everything he just revealed makes it clear that within the months I’ve been gone, he’s moved on with Kara.

  The one thing I know is that I’ll take Finn in this moment for all those countless hours I willed him to me over the six past months. I’d give everything to him if he’d just stay with me.

  “Tessa.”

  I can’t even bring myself to respond to his voice. With everything I have, I buried myself into Finn’s skin trying to memorize and take in every single ounce of the man who will always own me. I can’t answer him right now and feel that numbing sensation invade my whole body once again. It’s like I’m staring at those red roses while facing the loss of my life.

  It takes every ounce in me, but I force my body upwards into a standing position and begin to walk away from Finn. When I look back, he’s in the same crumpled position on the floor. His head doesn’t waver as I back away from him. He manages to keep the same posture during my whole exit. Not one word or syllable escapes him as I walk from him, and I receive his answer crystal clear. I fucked up.

  Chapter 3

  Tess

  Somehow I manage to make my way back out to my truck without physically falling apart. The haunted look in Finn’s eyes were almost the death of me. He’s with Kara now and well, I guess that leaves me to be on my own. As I open the driver’s door, I spot Finn’s dad glaring me down with a huge smile spread across his face. It’s no secret that he’s plenty thrilled about the circumstance. His eyes slowly drag down to my belly and instantly, I cover my baby with both hands. The man will never be able to hurt my baby even though he’s the grandfather. I’ll lay down my life to make sure of it.

  Instinctively, I climb into my truck to place one more layer of protection between that evil man and myself. Before I can fully shut the door, I hear Kara’s voice streaming over the crowd. She’s putting on quite the show of thanking all the guests. You’d think it was her bridal shower instead of a funeral. The huge spectacle she’s putting on is something Granddaddy never stood for. He was a humble man with pride and respect. Quite ironic that she’s behaving this way, while Granddaddy’s family tries to lay him to rest.

  I watch as Finn finally exits the church. Kara is by his side in moments with her hands all over him roaming up and down his chest and along his arms. It’s when she glides them up into his thick brown hair that finally makes me see red. She has no right to even be near him or touching him. I don’t even pretend to not be watching. I’m in a straight on stare at the couple. Kara shoots me a look before she steps up on her tiptoes placing a kiss on Finn’s cheek while both of her hands cover her barely protruding abdomen.

  I have to give it to her, she’s a gorgeous pregnant woman. Her blonde hair is smooth and makeup is still done perfectly to the tee while the clothes which adorn her body are simply stunning. From the first day I laid eyes on Kara I’ve always thought she’s simply gorgeous.

  A sharp jab to the right ribs pulls me from trance. Looking down at my swollen, well let’s just be honest, fat belly, I realize how disgusting I look pregnant. You always hear about glowing pregnant women. I definitely missed the boat on the glowing part. I just feel beyond puffy and swollen everywhere. When I saw Tommie today for the first time being very pregnant, she was the epitome of the glow factor, and she’s set to give birth any day now. It simply looked like a basketball was stuffed up her shirt. Her ass, hips, and face all looked perfectly normal.

  There’s no way I can be jealous of Tommie though. She deserves a baby with Will and the perfect happy ending. I even noticed that Will was wearing some of that glow from Tommie. He’ll be the perfect daddy. Over our many phone calls Tommie told me that Will has read book after book about raising and tending to a newborn. We both laughed our asses off considering he’s a damn doctor, but I guess even doctors get scared too.

  Finn makes eye contact with me when I fire up the engine, and I watch as his strong jaw line clenches. I watch him carefully as his tall black-clad shoulders stiffen and then worry hits his eyes, and before I know what’s happening, he’s jogging across the parking lot towards me. I’m frozen full of anxiety and worry.

  I expected Finn to blow up at me in the bathroom chewing my ass for lying to him and running. He never did and still feel that brewing tension between us. My eyes dart around the parking lot to spot the whole crowd watching him makes his way to me. When my eyes land back on him, Finn is standing feet from the driver’s side window breathing heavily with hands perched on his hips.

  I decide to step out of the truck to speak with him.

  “Finn.” He moves his hands behind his head shifting his gaze up to the sky. “What’s wrong? Why did you run all the way over here?”

  He doesn’t flinch at the sound of my voice or even acknowledge that he heard my question. Without thinking or waiting for him to speak, I take the last few steps to close off any distance between us. If I thought Kara was loud before, well, she’s practically screaming with panic now. Peeking around Finn’s torso I notice Wes detour Kara from marching her ass over to us. He takes her straight back into the church.

  My hands wrap around Finn’s middle, and I hug him for the first time in months; truly feeling him like I used to. Every single ounce of my love for him pours out at full force. He’s the man who taught me to live again by not giving up on me, taking me to the pond, and spoiling me rotten this last summer. I’m the girl who ran and ruined it all.

  “I still love you, Finn. I never stopped loving you. Your dad forced my hand. I had to sacrifice my happiness.” My cheek settles down onto his white dress shirt peeking out from under his dark jacket.

  Finn remains frozen under my touch, and I can’t peel myself from him. To think the scene in the bathroom was tense, then this is beyond tense taken to a whole new level. I feel like a child holding on to lost hope knowing the outcome. I’m sure to onlookers I look like a spoiled brat clinging to Finn.

  “I love you, Tessa.” The sound of his voice fills the air. His muscles move and I now feel his chin resting on the top of my head, but I refuse to let go of him. “I’ve never stopped loving you. I know what my dad did to you but still can’t figure out why you’d let him run you off. Did you think I wouldn’t fight for you?”

  Finn steps back from forcing my
arms to let go of him and this time the look on his face hurts me.

  “I’m sorry.” Placing both hands over my heart, I clench on to the soft material of my dress. “Please, Finn.”

  “You left me, Tessa. You ran. Wouldn’t take my calls and refused to even let me know if you were okay.” Finn clenches his fists full of his rich brown hair. “I gave up hope. Got drunk one night and fucked Kara.”

  His words slice through me hard and fast, and I flinch with pain. His stare bores holes straight through me. His tears have dried with only hatred reflecting in his deep brown eyes. I have no words for him, there’s nothing I can say or do at this point.

  “I’m sorry.” I slowly back up to the driver’s door, open it and crawl in. During the whole conversation my little teacup kicked like crazy.

  Before I shut the door, I hear Finn’s voice one more time, “Are you leaving?”

  I try to answer him but the words won’t leave my mouth. I try again and nothing but a little squeak escapes followed by streams and streams of tears.

  “God dammit, Tess, I didn’t mean to upset you. You just fucked everything up. Everything. You broke my fucking heart and lied to me.” Finn steps towards the end of the curb leaning onto the frame of the door. He rests his forehead on his forearms. “I’m sorry, Tess, I just need to shut up.”

  “I didn’t lie.” The words barely escape my lips and come out as a soft whisper.

  “How do you figure?”

  “I never lied to you, Finn.”

  His hands fly to my belly and he raises an eyebrow while tilting his head to the side in question. “What are you going to tell me it’s not mine?”

  “Fuck you, Finn.” I lurch forward grabbing for the door handle to slam it shut. His body is still perched between the door and me. At this point, I don’t care if he’s slammed or loses a limb.

  “Well, what, it’s not mine?” Finn’s hands grab my chin forcing me to face him. His brows are drawn together in an agonized expression. “Who is he? If you didn’t lie then it has to be someone else’s.”

  My hand flies to his face, slapping it hard. The effect of the slap leaves behind a stinging sensation in my hand. Finn’s expression grows even more hateful and resentful.

  “Listen here, asshole.” My hands push off of his chest creating adequate distance between the two of us. “I didn’t lie to you. Your dad threatened to ruin my whole family if I didn’t leave you alone. You know all of that stuff.” I take a moment to catch my breath and dry my tears. “I was going to tell you about the baby at the county fair, but then your dad happened. It’s your baby. I haven’t been with anyone else, dickhead.”

  This time I don’t give him a chance to respond. Instead, I slam the door hard giving Finn two options. One, get his hands shut in the door or two, jump out of the way. He was quick and jumped. I don’t look back this time at his face or even feel bad. How dare he say those things to me? I want to slam the truck into park and jump out lighting into his ass some more, but I keep driving. I’d love to let him know that he sounded just like his own father.

  I try several times to stop crying and settle down, but every time I do I pass something in town that reminds me of him. The place where we used to eat lunch, his dad’s dentist office, his brother’s bar, everywhere I look it reminds me of him. My eyes narrow on the road and I refuse to look at any of the places as I drive down main street then teacup sends a jab straight into my right ribs. I’m starting to think there’s a permanent bulls-eye in there for this kid to kick, jab, and punch.

  This kid reminds me of Finn.

  “Fuck,” I finally scream and begin to the beat the steering wheel. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”’

  My fists begin to beat the dash of my truck as the tears continue to flow as does “fuck”. My brain barely registers the pain in my hands through my emotions. Everything is gone. I lost it all.

  “Tessa.” A familiar voice invades the cab of my truck. “Stop, Tess, stop.”

  Will’s hands grab for mine. The next thing I know is he’s pulling me from my truck and leading me into his house. The paved driveway and decorated cement pad leading up to their three-car garage all look exactly the same. Tommie steps out onto the front porch with a concerned look and it instantly makes me feel guilty beyond all control.

  “Stop, Tess, don’t even feel bad. Get your ass in here.” Tommie holds open the door as I numbly follow Will’s lead.

  Once I enter their house, I completely fall apart. It’s the smell and sights of my home. It’s the home I came to love last summer. My knees hit the plush burgundy carpet as I let go of everything. My sobs rack every inch of me as I pound the carpet with my fists.

  “He’s with her. They’re having a baby. He hates me.” The plush carpet is the only thing my eyes can focus on as I have my mental breakdown.

  I feel Tommie grab at my shoulders and Will scolds her for lifting. The two of them fight for a while before another voice enters the entryway. This one too is very familiar and accompanied with another male voice. Instantly, I know it’s Scarlett.

  “Tessa, get up now.” Scarlett’s hands invade me lifting me to my feet. “Get your ass up now. You don’t get to act like this, Tessa.”

  I’m not sure on the specifics but Scarlett peels me from the carpet guiding me to my bedroom and when she opens the door everything is the same. My bed is made with the red bandana bedding. The nightstand stands perfectly next to it with my momma’s antique lamp on it and pictures of Finn and me from the summer before decorate every surface possible. Pictures from the pond, selfies inside his bedroom, us in my bed after making love for hours, and my most favorite of us on Granddaddy’s porch in his rocker. When Granddaddy caught us that day.

  The sweet lavender scent bathing my sheets comforts me a bit. My crying slows while my lungs try to catch up with my gasps. Scarlett pulls up the blankets, places a kiss to my forehead, and brushes away my hair plastered to my skin soaked in my own tears.

  “I don’t feel sorry for you, Tess.” Scarlett stands to her feet straightening her dark black knee-high chiffon dress. “There’s no excuse for you running besides the fact you’re chicken shit.”

  Sitting straight up, frantic at her words I finally speak, “Scar, don’t do this. I didn’t have a choice.”

  “You had one and you ran. Oh, by the way, congrats on being pregnant. Sorry you couldn’t have hidden that from us while you’re here on your little visit. You’re a straight-up coward, Tessa.” Her hands grip onto the shiny metal of the doorknob throwing it wide open.

  My hands rush over my belly and wonder about how much hurt I’ve caused others by doing the right thing. No one will ever understand the way Finn’s dad made me feel that day. One minute on top of the world with Finn by my side and our baby on the way to complete bottom with the threat from his dad.

  I’ve experienced this horrible elating ride from being on the top of the world to crashing straight into your own tailor-made hell. It took me years to even gain some sense of life back.

  Then as if my life was a record on repeat, it happened all over again. Except this time, I don’t get the luxury of giving up on the hope of life reinventing itself again. No, I have to stand straight back up for this baby.

  For some odd reason, I held onto a sliver of hope that when the day came that I had to step foot back in this small town I’d find Finn waiting with open arms. I knew he’d be pissed and want answers, but the one thing I didn’t expect was Kara to be pregnant.

  Just the thought of her name causes me to gag, so I focus back on Finn. Just like so many months ago when I’d lie in this same bed and fantasize about him. Mainly about our first time in the G-Spot. The way his hands agonized my skin with his simple touch to the look on his face when he saw my leg. My eyes slowly drift shut with each memory of Finn’s touches to my delicate skin. As I drift off to sleep, a mob of angry faces swarm me and as I search the crowd, I recognize Wes, Scarlett, and my sister. My eyes finally land on Finn. His expression is hard and cold but
not nearly as cruel as the rest. Something in his eyes pulls me towards him. It might be hope, curiosity, or pure desire but whatever it is I find myself brave enough to walk past all the seething faces shooting glares my way.

  After several steps, I walk up to Finn, face-to-face. His expression softened just a bit. And this time when I look at his face, it’s full of remorse. The bystanders watching our every move have verbally begun to protest my presence near Finn. The jolting jeers spook me causing me to lurch forward grabbing onto Finn. When I first try to reach out for him, I encounter nothing but air. I clearly see his flesh standing before me, but every time I reach for him there’s nothing. I try to speak, and my lips move but no sound escapes them. Time after time, I yell Finn’s name and fight like hell to tell him how much I love him. The outside noise and mobs of haters are too powerful to allow my message to be conveyed. It’s a sign I tell myself. It’s a sign that fairytales don’t exist. I clench my belly still standing before Finn. Our angry lynch mob surrounded us and the first thing I feel is something wet running down my face. It’s a tear. I use the back of my hands to brush it away. Finn watches my action, stepping closer to me, but it’s as if he’s walking into a glass wall. An invisible layer holding us apart. I watch as he continues to struggle and fight his way to me. Watching him put any sort of effort to reach me only makes me cry harder and faster. After minutes pass he finally surrenders his effort and the next words he speaks are so muted I can barely make them out. After I decipher them, I’m left wishing I never hear them. Four simple words consisting of five syllables answer all my questions and wonders about us.

  “It was a mistake.”

  My cheeks are now both soaked at the realization of what Finn just told me. My shoulders begin to shake and shudder as the tears from my cheeks begin to pool. I hear my name over and over again and know it’s the pissed off crowd. They all know how badly I devastated Finn, their hometown hero, and they want me gone. The raw emotion rolling from me is uncontrollable. I fight like hell to steady my shoulders and dry up my tears, but it seems they are working in unison and are much more powerful than I could have ever expected. Finn’s dad and Kara stand only feet away from me now where Finn once stood. I can only watch as Kara slowly and maliciously drags a pistol eye level to me. The grin covering her face tells her motive. Finn’s dad holds her in place coaxing her to pull the trigger. Looking down the end of the barrel, I know beyond a doubt that Finn will never love Kara the way he loved me. First her finger moves and in slow motion I watch the bullet fly straight to my face and I smile…