by Ines Saint
“We had this huge fight and I told him I was leaving and next thing I know, my dad and Ben’s entire family are calling and writing me these long e-mails, telling me I wasn’t giving our marriage a fair shot and how could I do this to him right when he was going to a war-torn country? No one knew what our marriage was like. It was all about him. But all everyone saw was this confident, friendly guy. Ben told me I could go home those two years, that I didn’t have to stay in Germany. But I knew I didn’t have a home.”
“You must’ve had Ella by then. That must’ve made things harder.” Dan reached for her hand.
Holly inched her hand away. “No,” she said, quietly. “Just before I was going to tell him it was really over, just when I was feeling worthy and right, I found out I was pregnant. And Ben had his orders. He had to leave and he’d be gone for two years. Every time I thought about giving birth back in Florida, surrounded by my dad and Ben’s family, all these people who were so dismissive of me, who couldn’t understand how anyone would find fault in Ben, I became miserable, to the point I was afraid my emotional health would harm the baby. I needed time to think.
“So I left, without saying a word. Only a one-sentence note to say I was leaving him. I didn’t even tell anyone I was pregnant until I’d stayed at Grandma Ruby’s awhile. And it was as bad as I’d imagined. Everyone was so angry. Ben called me a selfish coward and a sneak and a liar, and my father and his parents agreed. Even I agreed. But the night Ella was born, Ben and I called a truce of sorts. He’d be gone for two years and he loved Grandma Ruby. Not even he thought I could go back to Florida in peace. His parents never forgave me and his sisters hate me, though, and it’s put a strain on their relationship with Ella, no matter what I do. I brought Ella into a family mess of my creation.”
Neither spoke for the longest time. Dan’s mind and heart were at war. He stood up and paced.
After a while, Holly stood up, too, and he glanced over at her. She walked to the door, no longer looking at him. At the door, she said, “Say something,” without turning.
Old alarm bells were going off in a mind he’d come to rely on a lot more than feelings and emotions. He’d understood her up until she said she’d hidden her pregnancy and left without a word. He couldn’t process it. “It isn’t my business to say anything.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she demanded.
He flexed his hand. He needed time. He should shut up. But one question was eating away at him. “How long did you wait before telling Ben you were pregnant?”
Holly’s throat worked. “Seven months.”
Seven months? Dan’s father had never been much of a talker, but he had always been vocal about one thing. He would have wanted to know about Dan from the very beginning.
He fought to keep his voice even. He wanted, badly, to understand her reasoning. “You had ample grounds for a divorce. Why did you run away? Why did you keep his child a secret from him?”
“I was scared and confused and a mess,” she said, her voice shaky. “I needed to figure things out before the pressure started. Grandma, Rosa, Sherry, Leo, and Emily . . . they brought me peace. I started thinking I could stay here those two years and give my marriage a second chance when Ben’s two years were up. But when I told him I was pregnant he lashed out so badly, I knew it was over.”
Why had Holly hit him with this? What did she want from him? Did she think he, of all people, would understand? “Of course he lashed out at you. You did take the coward’s way out. You left without saying a word. Do you know what that does to those who get left behind? It wasn’t just about you. You kept something huge from him.”
She looked stricken and he regretted his words, but he couldn’t wrap his head around her past actions. She’d just up and left, knowing she was carrying their child.
Holly swiped at her eyes. “Trust me, I know it all to my core and I will live with that weight for the rest of my life. But I wasn’t only thinking about myself, no matter what you or anyone else thinks. The way I left is the only thing I regret, but I can’t regret leaving. I know what staying with Ben would’ve done to all of us. Ella’s happy and healthy because Ben and I are happy and healthy now. We weren’t back then. Despite the distance, the mistakes, the missing out, and my problems with Ben’s parents. I hate that they haven’t gotten more time together, but he hasn’t even tried to live stateside until now, and Ben’s parents won’t put the past aside, not even for Ella.”
Her tears gutted him. He looked away. “Your past is none of my business, but you laid this all at my feet. What do you want me to say? That I get it? That I understand? I don’t.”
“I laid this at your feet because part of you wanted to give us a try. You may not get me, Dan, but I get you. I knew my biggest mistake was something you’d never understand. Still, I felt you deserved that truth. And I deserve to be with someone who’ll accept me for who I am now, someone who won’t judge me or beat me down for my past mistakes. I do enough of that myself and I’ve had enough of it in my life. And I definitely deserve to be more than someone’s halfhearted trial run.”
Dan waited until the door downstairs slammed shut before grabbing his coat and taking off, too. He should never have come home, should never have become involved in someone’s else’s life. Somehow, he’d wound up feeling like both a sucker and a bully.
He drove back to Sam’s building, but Marianne’s car was still there.
He got out and walked. There seemed nothing else for him to do. The air was cool and dry, anyway. It felt good to move.
The shops downtown were closing, and the lights flickered off here and there. He left the business district, leapt over a barrier, and hiked along the riverbank until he came to the place where the river widened.
The stars glinted on its surface and he stood still, listening to the soothing sound of water cascading over rocks and pebbles. “I took a picture of you, Sam, and Johnny here once. You were having a roaring good time and I wanted to capture it.”
Startled, Dan looked around. “Ruby?”
“Over here.” He followed her voice and spotted her sitting on a lawn chair just beyond her backyard.
He picked up a rock and skipped it across the river. “You gave me the picture just before I left town. I still have it.”
“As well you should. I captured more than a good time that day. The three of you looked fierce and united.”
Dan sat on the cold ground beside her and began splitting a long piece of grass. “I guess we were.”
“What do you mean, you guess? You were. You still are.”
He tossed her a look. “You know I love you and all, but I’m not going to play that game where you look for hidden meanings in the things I say.”
“Then let’s talk about your creative project. How’s that going?”
“If by creative project you mean the Craftsman, it’s done. So are Sam’s properties. I’m all done here.”
“You’ve started something special, Dan, whether you know it or not. Whether you want to hear it or not. You’ve started it and you should finish it. Gypsy curses come in three, you know. Three brothers have a chance at breaking it.”
Dan sighed. “I’m sorry, Ruby. It’s late and I’m tired.”
“I’m not going to shut up, Dan. I’ll follow you home if I have to. One of the advantages of being so old is that people respect you too much to tell you to shut up and shove it.”
Dan wasn’t in the mood to smile, but the corner of his lip lifted just as well. “What do you want from me, Ruby? I don’t believe in curses or cards and I don’t want to waste your time. Like you said, you’re not getting any younger,” he teased.
Ruby chuckled. “Forget about curses, then. You know there’s work to be done here, and you know you want to be a part of it. You belong here. Be a part of it . . . it’s what your brothers want most.”
Dan got home late and couldn’t sleep. The Christmas Eve Festival was a week away and his lease in Atlanta was up at the end of the m
onth. His plan had been to drive down right after the festival, pack his stuff into a U-Haul, and leave it at Sam’s so he could fly out to Seattle to find a place to live.
The week ahead loomed eternal.
He fired up his computer, checked flights, and made a quick call. Relief washed over him as he began to make new plans.
The first available flight left at seven forty-five the next morning. He’d find a house, put down a deposit, and be back in time for the festival.
He sent his brothers a short e-mail explaining why he’d be missing practice the next few days, told them he’d be back in time for the festival, packed, and called a cab.
“Holly, wake up.” Holly opened one eye and looked at the clock. It was only five thirty in the morning.
“Ben? What’re you doing in my room?” she croaked. Last time she’d looked at the clock it had been two forty-five in the morning and she’d still been crying without a sound.
“I’m an early riser and we need to talk.”
“Now?” She looked at Ella, who was asleep beside her.
“Now. Come on. Get up. I have coffee ready.”
After she’d brushed her teeth and taken a few sips of coffee, she shook her head the way Stanley sometimes shook his puppy body, and looked up at Ben. “What’s so important?”
“I got an e-mail with my assignment this morning. I’ve been assigned to Bedford, Massachusetts. It’s thirteen hours away.”
“Thirteen hours away?” Hope thudded in Holly’s chest, right alongside the despair that wouldn’t let go. Thirteen hours wasn’t an easy drive, but it was doable. It wasn’t California.
He nodded. “I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but for now, I think we can work something out that keeps us both happy.”
“We can co-parent more easily, Ben. We can take turns driving so you can see her every other weekend, like you said, and we can work something out during the summer. I can find a short-term rental near you or something.”
Ben was hesitant. “Once a month each is doable, but I’ll want Ella to myself sometimes, Holly. Without you. You’re going to have to accept that. You don’t have to be three steps away. Even if my next assignment takes me farther away.”
“It’s going to be hell on me if you do, and I don’t think I can let Ella go like that.” She picked at a loose thread on the tablecloth. “Can we take it one step at a time? Let me be near at first while we all get used to it?”
Ben took a sip of his coffee and looked as if he were mulling it over, and Holly held her breath. “I guess that’s reasonable, if you promise you’ll keep an open mind.”
Her shoulders relaxed. “It won’t be easy, but that’s the bed I made, isn’t it? The bed we made.”
Ben met her eyes. “Whenever I get angry at you, I remember how I wanted it all and forced you into letting me have it. It was a long time before I could see that. But this feels like a new start for all of us. Thirteen hours is the closest Ella and I have ever been to each other.”
“It does feel like a new start, doesn’t it? And your assignments always last at least two years. I know there will be another bridge to cross after that, but maybe Amy and I will become friends. And Ella loves easily. If you love her, then Ella will love her. Maybe it’ll get easier.”
He got up. “If we both commit to it, it’s good enough for now. I have no idea how long I’ll be there, though. It could be just eighteen months, and then I could get sent off to Alaska, or California. You know how it is.”
“But even eighteen months brings us closer to those five years. And we’ll take it one day at a time.” A thought occurred to her, one that she was almost afraid to voice, lest he shoot it down. “Ben?” She hesitated. “Do you think that in five years, when you retire, if you see how happy Ella is here, you and Amy would consider living somewhere within driving distance? There are tons of places to choose from. Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois—”
Ben chuckled. “Amy and I both want what’s best for Ella. Of course we’d think about it. I know because I discuss things with my significant other now. I learned the hard way. See? I have things I’ve needed to forgive myself for, too.”
Those words made her look out the window. Had she forgiven herself? A movement underneath the lamppost caught her eye. She watched as Dan put a carry-on into the trunk of a cab.
Ben followed her gaze. “It looks as if he’s leaving for a trip.”
She nodded. The hopelessness she’d been repressing crept into every crevice of her heart.
“You can tell me if there’s something going on between you and your temporary neighbor, Holly. I’m not blind, and if he’s going to be a part of Ella’s life, he’ll be a part of mine, too. I’d like to get to know him.”
Holly looked up at him. It was as if she and Ben had grown up together, even when they’d been apart. They owed each other honesty. She owed herself honesty this time around. She swallowed past the watery lump in her throat. “I’m in love with him.”
He studied her. “How do you know? I mean, from what you’ve said, you haven’t known him very long.”
“It’s not about how long I’ve known him. It’s about how well I know him. I know him better than I know you, if you can believe it. I don’t understand how it happened, but it did. But you don’t have to get to know him. Dan and I would never work out.”
Ben walked around the table to crouch beside her. “Why not?”
Holly ran her finger over the rim of her coffee cup. She didn’t want to watch Dan leave, didn’t want to wonder where he was heading. Dan’s past colored the way he saw her past. It was understandable, but unacceptable. “It was never in the cards, I guess. I messed us up way before we even met, if that makes sense.”
“You’re starting to sound like Ruby, except no one really knows what’s in the cards.” Ben squeezed her shoulder. “And no, it doesn’t make sense. You need to forgive yourself, Holly, so you can move on.”
Dan stepped off the concourse and looked down at the list he’d compiled three months before. Seattle historic districts: Pike Place Market, Ballard Avenue, Pioneer Square . . . The faded words on the wrinkled piece of paper no longer held promise. The thrill he’d felt when he’d made the list three months before was born of boredom, not adventure.
Probably he’d feel different when he got off the plane and began to explore. He did a quick scan of the arrivals and departures board to check on his flight. It was on time.
His gaze flickered to the name of the city just below, a city only a half-hour flight away. His spine prickled and his hand involuntarily fisted, crumpling the piece of paper in it into a tight ball. A new idea took hold.
He didn’t know what drove him forward, but he knew he couldn’t stop.
And less than two hours later, he was there. Idling on the street in his rented car, looking up at a pale yellow house with blue shutters.
His mom answered on the third knock and nearly swayed when she saw him standing there. “Daniel,” she breathed out, her hand on her heart.
“I’m here for the window.”
“The window. Of—of course.”
Dan allowed himself to really look at her. At first glance, she was still a striking woman. But her eyes were dull and faded, the edges of her mouth wore more wrinkles than the corners of her eyes, and her shoulders sagged.
She opened the door wider and stepped aside. “You’ll have to come in. I can’t carry it myself. Douglas is at the doctor’s office and won’t be back till noon.” Her speech was stilted and her gait unsteady as she led the way across a living room and a dining room to a sunroom out back. A quick look around revealed a picture of the couple, cheap art, and both pictures and paintings of his mother.
Douglas Dodson. His stepfather. Dan shook his head. “Why aren’t you with your husband? At the doctor’s, I mean.”
Her hand froze on the knob and her back stiffened. “I’m tired. I needed a break. His brother offered to take him.”
“How long have you
been together?”
“Twenty-something years. On and off. He always wants me back.” Her head was held high, but something in her voice suggested she herself didn’t understand why. She opened the door and motioned to a corner of the room.
Holly’s window was propped up against the screen. Dan stopped before it. The trim was rain-damaged, but the stained-glass hummingbird was in good, if not perfect, shape.
He could feel his mother’s eyes on him. The idea had been to pick up the window and to learn more. Now that he was here, he didn’t know what “more” was. He lifted the heavy frame and carried it to where she was standing.
Her eyes flitted around the room, never meeting his. “Is that all you came for?”
He placed the window at his feet, buying time, wondering if asking anything was a mistake. Why didn’t you give me a warning? You could’ve left me with something. You could’ve sent something later. All Dad knew was that you weren’t dead. “Why didn’t you say good-bye?”
She looked at the floor. Her throat worked. “Disappointment. Seeing it in people’s faces when they look at me. I can’t stand it.”
Dan remembered his dream, questions surfaced, but the hollow feeling in his chest told him the answers wouldn’t bring peace.
“Do you hate me?” she asked.
He looked up at her then, surprised at the truth. “I don’t hate you.”
“Do you think we can have form some sort of relationship?” There was no inflection in her voice, no tone, no emotion.
She wouldn’t look at him, and Dan fought for adequate words. So many times he’d wished he could somehow make her hurt the way she’d made him hurt. But the will to do it just wasn’t there. A need to protect, not hurt, filled him. It pained him to know he felt anything at all. “Not now,” he answered truthfully, before picking the window up and letting himself out.
He didn’t look back. Right now, all he saw was someone who hadn’t loved him enough. His whole life he’d fought hard against that feeling, and there were times it had threatened to pull him under.
