The Stainless Steel Rat Wants You ssr-4

by Harry Harrison

  “This is agent Incuba who will accompany you,” Jay said.

  “Well, in that case I withdraw my objections,” I smarmed. “I’m sure she is a very efficient officer…”

  “Oh, yes?” a voice spoke out from the thin air, the second time this day. Only this one was a female voice that I instantly recognized. “If you think you are going galaxy-hopping alone with that sleazy sexpot, Jim diGriz, you are very mistaken. You better book three tickets.”

  Nineteen

  “What kind of secret war conference is this?” Inskipp howled. “Is everyone listening to it? That was your wife on the eaves-dropping circuit, diGriz—wasn’t it?”

  “Sounded very much like her,” I said a little too heartily. “I guess you ought to have the security arrangements checked out. But you’ll have to take care of that yourself because I have to go look at some other galaxies and that is a time-consuming business. You’ll get my report soonest, gentlemen.”

  I exited with Incuba a few steps behind me. Angelina was waiting, in the corridor. Eyes glowing like a female lioness, fingernails hooked like claws. She seared my skin with one sizzling glare then turned her destroying gaze on Incuba.

  “Do you plan to wear that bathrobe for this arduous trip?” she asked, voice close to absolute zero. Incuba looked Angelina up and down, her expression unchanged although her nostrils flared ever so lightly as though she had sniffed something bad.

  “Probably not. But whatever I wear it will certainly be more practical—and a good deal more attractive than that.”

  Before the warfare escalated I took the coward’s way out and dropped a mini smoke grenade. It banged and puffed and took their attention off their differences for an instant. I spoke quickly.

  “Ladies, we leave in one half an hour so please be ready. I am off to the lab now to set things up with Professor Coypu and I hope that you will join me there.”

  Angelina joined me now, grabbing my arm with talons sunk deep, marching me off down the corridor, hissing words into my ear—then biting it for emphasis.

  “One pass at that tramp, one look, one touch of your hand on hers and you are a dead man, Dirty Old Jim diGriz.”

  “What happened to innocent-until-proven-guilty?” I groaned, rubbing the aching earlobe. “I love you and none other. Now, can we drop this and get on with the war. And get Coypu to set up our investigation.”

  “You have only one choice of a possible galaxy,” Coypu said, after I had explained the situation.

  “What do you mean?” I was shocked. “Billions, an infinite number you said.”

  “I did. That many exist. But we can get access for a large object, such as a spaceship, to only six. After that the energy demand is too great to open a screen more than two meters in diameter. You’re not going to get many aliens through a hole that big.”

  “Well, that’s at least six universes. So why do you say only one?”

  “Because in the other five this laboratory exists and I have observed myself or other humans in it. In the sixth, which I call Space Six, there is no laboratory or Corps base. The screen opens into interstellar space.”

  “Then that is the one we must try,” a golden voice said, and Incuba tripped in through the door. She was fetchingly garbed in tight shipsuit, kinky black boots and other interesting things that I knew better than to notice since Angelina was right behind her. I turned my gaze to Coypu; uglier but safer.

  “Then that is the one we must try,” I told him.

  “I thought you might say that. I have the parallelilizer screen projected outside this laboratory building. It is one hundred meters in diameter. I suggest you get a spacer with a smaller diameter and I will instruct you from there on.”

  “Great idea. A Lancer scoutship will just do the job.”

  I exited with my loyal crew right after me. I signed for the scoutship and did all the preflight checks with Angelina’s assistance. Incuba stayed out of the control room, which made life easier to live.

  “I’ve always wanted to see another universe,” I said brightly.

  “Shut up and fly this thing.”

  I sighed and got Coypu on the radio.

  “Fly forty-six degrees from your present position,” he said. “You will see a circular ring of lights.”

  “Got it.”

  “Then go through it. And I suggest you make a careful navigation fix on the other side and drop a radio beacon as well.”

  “Very helpful of you. We would like to get back someday.”

  The spacer slipped through the ring, which vanished behind us. In the rear scopes I could see a disk of blackness occulting the stars.

  “Position recorded, beacon launched,” Angelina said.

  “You are wonderful. I note from the recordings that there is a nice G2 star over there about fifty light years away. And the radio tells me that it was emitting radio signals some fifty years ago. Shall we go look?”

  “Yes. And that’s all you will be looking at!”

  “My love!” I took her hands in mine. “I have eyes only for you.” Then I saw that she was smiling, then laughing and we clinched a bit. “You have been leading me on?” I accused.

  “A little bit. I thought it would be fun to go on this trip and it seemed a good reason. Also I will flay you with broken glass if you go anywhere near that Morality Corps chicken.”

  “No fear. I am too busy saving the galaxy once again.”

  When we came out of warpdrive Incuba joined us at the controls. “There are two inhabited planets about that sun?” she asked.

  “That is what the instruments and the radio tell us. We are taking a look-see at the nearest.”

  It was a quick jump by warpdrive and then we were dropping down into the atmosphere. Blue sky, white clouds, a very pleasant place. The radio was blaring out very sinister music and occasional bursts of some incomprehensible language. None of us felt like talking. What, or who, inhabited this planet was of utmost importance. Lower and lower until the landscape was clear below us.

  “Houses,” Angelina said, sounding very unhappy. “And plowed fields. Looks very much like home…”

  “No it doesn’t,” I shouted, turning up the magnification.

  “Beautiful!” Angelina sighed, and it was. At least at this moment. Something with far too many legs was pulling a plow. Steering the plow was a very repulsive alien who would have been right at home with our present enemies.

  “An alien universe!” I laughed as I spoke. “They can come here and make friends and live happily ever after. Let’s go back with the good news.”

  “Let us investigate the other planet,” Incuba said quietly. “And as many more as we have to determine if humans exist here as well.”

  Angelina gave her a cold look and I sighed.

  “Sure. That’s what we must do. Look around and make sure it is all creepies. Of course it will be.”

  Old big mouth. We zipped over to the second inhabited planet and looked down upon mills and mines, cities and countryside. Inhabited by the most human looking humans I have ever seen.

  “Maybe they are alien inside,” I said, grasping at a last straw.

  “Should we cut one open and find out?” Angelina asked, seriously.

  “The cutting open of other creatures, human or alien, is forbidden by the Morality Corps…”

  Incuba’s words were cut off by a blast of static from the radio and shouted words in a strange language. At the same moment a number of readouts flickered and I looked at the viewscreen. And drew back.

  “We have company,” I said. “Shall we leave?”

  “I wouldn’t do anything in a hurry,” Angelina cozened.

  For outside, very close indeed, was a very nasty black warship. Some of the guns had gaping muzzles big enough to drive our small ship into. And I’m sure that it was not by chance that they were pointing at us. I reached for the thrust controls just as I felt a number of strong tractor beams latch onto our ship.

  “I think I will flit over and talk
to them,” I said, rising and going to the suit locker. “Just watch the shop until I get back.”

  “I’m going with you,” Angelina said firmly.

  “Not this time, light of my life. And that is a command. If I don’t get back try and get a report through about what we have seen.”

  With this noble exit line I exited, suited up and floated over to the dreadnought where a port obligingly opened for me. I walked in, head up, and was cheered a bit to see that the reception party were all human. Hard-eyed types in tight black uniforms.

  “Krzty picklin stimfrx!” the one with the most gold bullion snapped at me.

  “I’m sure it’s a great language, but I don’t speak it.”

  He cocked an ear and listened—then issued a sharp order. Men ran and returned with a metal box, wires, plugs and a nasty-looking helmet. I shied away from the thing but efficient-looking weapons were ground into my ribs and I desisted. It was clapped over my head, adjustments were made, then the officer spoke again.

  “Can you understand me now, worm of an intruder?” he asked.

  “I certainly can and there is no need for such language. We have come a long way and I don’t need any insults from you.”

  His lips peeled back from his teeth at that and I thought he was going to sink them into my throat. The others present gasped with shock.

  “Do you know who I am?!” he shouted.

  “No, nor do I care. Because you don’t know who I am. You have the pleasure of being in the presence of the first ambassador from a parallel universe. So you might say hello.”

  “He is telling the truth,” a technician said, watching his flickering needles.

  “Well, that’s different,” the officer said. Calming instantly. “You wouldn’t be expected to know the quarantine restrictions. My name is Kangg. Come have a drink and tell me what you are doing here.”

  The booze was not bad and they were all fascinated by my story. Before I had finished they sent for the ladies and we all clinked glasses.

  “Well, good luck on your quest,” Kangg said, raising his glass. “I don’t envy you your job. But as you can see we have our alien problem licked and the last thing we need is an invasion. Our war ended about a thousand years ago and was a close-run thing. We blew up all the alien spaceships and made sure the creepos stay now on planets of their own. They are ready to go for our throats again at any time, so we keep an eye on them with patrols like mine.”

  “We shall return home and I shall report it would be immoral to send the fleet here,” Incuba said.

  “We can lend you a few battleships,” Kangg offered. “But we are really spread kind of thin.”

  “I’ll report your offer, and thanks,” I said. “But I’m afraid we need a more drastic solution. Now we have to get back because we will need an answer soon, or else.”

  “Hope you lick them. Those greenies can be very mean.”

  It was with utmost gloom that we returned to our ship and set course for the beacon. The parallel world booze must have been working in my brain, or desperation goosing it into top gear, because suddenly I had a most interesting thought.

  “I have it!” I shouted with uncontrolled joy. “The answer to our problems at last.” We popped through the screen and I made a mad landing at the nearest airlock. “Come with me and hear what it is!”

  I ran, with the girls right behind me, bursting into the meeting room just as the staff chiefs were gathering in answer to my emergency call.

  “Then we can send them the aliens?” Inskipp asked.

  “No way. They have alien problems of their own.”

  “Then what do we do?” a senile admiral moaned. “Six parallel galaxies and all of them with human beings. Where do we send the aliens?”

  “To none of them,” I said. “We send them somewhere else instead. I checked with Coypu and he says it is possible and he is muttering over the equations now.”

  “Where? Tell us!” Inskipp ordered.

  “Why, we use time travel. We send them through time.”

  “Into the past?” He was puzzled.

  “No, that wouldn’t work. They would just be hanging around waiting for the human race to develop so they could wipe us out. So the past is no good. We send them into the future.”

  “You’re mad, diGriz. What does that accomplish?”

  “Look, we send them a hundred years into the future. And while they are en route we have all the best scientific minds of the galaxy working on ways to knock them off. We have a hundred years to do it in. We develop something and, a hundred years from now, our people are waiting for them when they appear and they take care of the menace once and for all.”

  “Wonderful!” Angelina said. “My husband is a genius. Set up the machine and send them into the future.”

  “IT IS FORBIDDEN,” a deep voice said from above.

  Twenty

  The shocked silence that followed this unexpected announcement continued for a heartbeat or two, then was interrupted drastically when Inskipp whipped out his gun and began shooting holes in the ceiling.

  “Secret meeting! Top security! Why don’t we go on TV with this session—it would be more private!”

  He foamed as he spoke and shrugged off the aged admirals who tried to stop him. I vaulted the table and disarmed him, numbing him a bit in the process so he dropped, glassy-eyed, into his chair where he muttered to himself.

  “Who said that?” I called out.

  “I did,” a man said, appearing suddenly in midair, accompanied by a sharp popping sound. He dropped the short distance to the table, then jumped neatly to the floor.

  “It beith I who spake, noble sirs. I hite Ga Binetto.”

  He was something interesting to look at, dressed in baggy velvet clothes with high boots, a big hat with a curly feather, curly mustachios too which he twirled with his free hand. The other hand rested on the pommel of his sword. Since Inskipp was still muttering I would have to talk to him.

  “We don’t care how tall you are—what’s your name?”

  “Name? Namen—verily. I am named Ga Binetto.”

  “What gives you the right to come barging into a secret meeting like this?”

  “Forsooth, there be no secrets hidden from ye Temporal Constabulary.”

  “The Time Police?” This was something new. “Time travelers from the past?” This was beginning to confuse even me.

  “Ods bodkins, varlet, nay! Why thinkest thou that?”

  “I thinkest that because that outfit and language haven’t been around for maybe thirty-two thousand years.”

  He flashed me a dirty look and made some quick adjustments on some knobs on the pommel of his sword.

  “Don’t be so damn superior,” Ga Binetto snapped. “You try hopping from time to time and learning all the disgusting languages and dialects. Then you wouldn’t be so quick to…”

  “Can we get back to business,” I broke in. “You’re the Time Police, but not from the past. So—let me guess—the future maybe? Just nod your head, that’s right. So that’s straight. Now tell us why we can’t shoot those aliens through a couple of hundred years of time?”

  “Because it is forbidden.”

  “You said that before. Now, how about some reasons.”

  “I don’t have to give you any.” He leered coldly. “We could have sent an H-bomb through instead of me, so how about shutting up and listening.”

  “He is correct,” one of the senile admirals quavered. “Welcome to our time, illustrious time traveler. Give us your instructions, if you please.”

  “That’s more like it. Respect where respect is due, if you don’t mind. All you are permitted to know is that it is the job of the Time Police to police time. We see to it that paradoxes do not occur, that major misuses of time travel, such as your proposed plan, do not happen. The very fabric of time and probability would be strained by the event should it occur. It is forbidden.”

  There was a gloomy silence following this news, during which time I
thought furiously. “Tell me, Ga Binetto,” I said. “Are you human or an alien in disguise?”

  “I’m as human as you,” he said angrily. “Maybe even more so.”

  “That’s good. Then if you are a human from the future the aliens never wiped out all the human beings in the galaxy as they plan. Right?”

  “Right.”

  “Then how do we win the war?”

  “The war is won by…” He clamped his mouth shut and turned bright red. “That information is time-classified and I cannot tell you. Figure it out for yourself.”

  “Don’t palm us off with that chromo-crap,” Inskipp growled, deep in his throat, recovered at last, “You say stop the only plan that can save the human race. Sure I say, we’ll stop it—if you tell us what else we can do. Or we go ahead as planned.”

  “It is forbidden to tell.”

  “Can’t you at least hint?” I suggested.

  He thought about that for a moment, then smiled. I did not like the look of that smile. “The solution should be obvious to one of your intelligence, diGriz. It’s all in the mind.”

  He hopped into the air, clicked his heels together—and disappeared.

  “What did he mean by that?” Inskipp said, scowling with concentration.

  What did he mean? It was a clue directed at me so I should be able to solve the riddle. The first part was there to misdirect me I was sure, the bit about my intelligence. It’s all in the mind. My mind? Whose mind? Was it an idea we had not thought of before? Or was he really talking about minds? I had no idea.

  Incuba was looking dreamily into space, thinking deep moral thoughts no doubt. I was beginning to think she was pretty dumb. But not Angelina. That lovely brow was furrowed with thought, for her mind was as highpowered as her body. She narrowed her eyes, concentrating—then suddenly widened them. Then smiled. When she caught me looking at her the smile broadened, and she winked. I raised my eyebrows, in an unspoken question and she nodded back, ever so slightly.

  If I were reading the signs correctly all of this nonverbal communication indicated that she had solved the riddle. Having seen recently what real male chauvinist swine were, I was beginning to abandon my claim to that role. If Angelina had the answer I would humbly and with gratitude accept it from her. I leaned closer.