by Tracey Smith
Suddenly a car careened around a sharp corner and slid into our lane Dad just barely avoided being hit as he swerved out of the way. Our car hydroplaned and fishtailed across the narrow road. I gripped the handle on the door so tightly my knuckles were white. I closed my eyes and I held my breath preparing for impact but Dad gained control of the car and we came to a stop.
“Is everyone ok?” he asked breathless and Mom and I just nodded, too scared to speak. That car had come so close! My heart was pounding in my ears, my hands were shaking.
We waited until the rain had eased before slowly making our way the rest of the way to the cabin. I didn’t fully relax until the car had stopped and we were finally inside. Uncle Charlie and Aunt Claire hadn’t made it yet.
It was strange being back here after all these years. It seemed smaller somehow, but I knew that was just because I wasn’t so small anymore. I walked to the room that had once been Tyler’s and I sat on the edge of the bed.
It had been several years since I’d been here, but even longer since Tyler had. He hadn’t been back since that summer when he was 12 and his parents announced that they were moving away from San Diego. We had sat on this very bed and said our goodbyes. I had planned on sitting in here with him and reminiscing about that time. This trip was supposed to be a walk down memory lane. A farewell to childhood. But not anymore.
I sat on the bed listening to the storm outside the cabin and I thought again about all the things I would say to my Aunt Claire and Uncle Charlie when they got here.
But they never arrived.
Chapter 8: Loss
The letters from Destiny began arriving every week. Sergeant would always bring them to me privately but without a word. I wished I could write her back, but I wasn’t so sure that I was supposed to be receiving them in the first place and I didn’t want to push my luck by asking for permission to write back.
I looked forward to her letters. She wrote about the simplest things, things that most people take for granted. Things that I had taken for granted. It made me feel connected. Connected to a life that seemed so far away. It helped me to see that his dreary existence was only temporary and it helped me to hold on to the hope that it would be over soon. Sergeant was definitely right about one thing; I would not be back.
I had been so stupid and reckless and irresponsible. I had taken my life for granted. Now I longed for my small bedroom in my small apartment. I missed my mother. I missed freedom. Once it was mine again I would appreciate it.
Destiny’s letters helped me see that. Helped me see how good my life had been and helped me hope that it could be that again. I kept seeing my mother’s face the day they brought me here. I would never make her look that way again. I had a lot to make up for and I was going to get started as soon as I got out of this place.
That’s the funny thing about life. You always think you’ll have time to make things right. You always think you’ll have time…
I knew something was wrong when Sergeant pulled me from kitchen duty. His face was somber and something in his eyes made my heart feel like lead.
When I followed him into the offices and saw my Uncle Mike and Aunt Katherine I knew it was bad. Aunt Katherine had been crying, her eyes were puffy and red. Uncle Mike stood with his arm around her and when his eyes met mine I could see that he’d been crying too.
“What is it?” I asked, fearing the answer.
“It’s your parents Tyler.” Uncle Mike stepped forward to put his hand on my shoulder and as he moved away from Aunt Katherine I saw her slump as if he’d been holding her up.
“There’s been an accident.”
The words rang in my head. I knew what they meant, but I had to ask.
“Are they…” I couldn’t finish the question.
“They’re gone.” Uncle Mike pulled me against him and I heard Aunt Katherine sobbing behind him.
The tears didn’t come at first. I was in shock. My whole body went numb. I felt like I was watching everything as it happened, as if it were a movie but not really my life. Not my reality.
I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. So I just nodded.
“We’re going to take you home with us Tyler.”
I nodded again and for the first time noticed that Uncle Mike was holding my bag that I’d brought with me the day my parents dropped me off. I realized that was the last time I’d seen them. The last time I’d ever see them. I hadn’t even said goodbye.
I thought about that on the long drive back to San Diego. I tried to remember what the last words were that I’d spoken to my parents. The memories were blurry. I couldn’t see them clearly. I couldn’t remember. I hadn’t known. Hadn’t known that those would be the last moments. I hadn’t known that I needed to remember.
It was just too much. Too much to take in, too much to think about. So I didn’t. I shut my mind off and allowed the numbness to spread. I stared blankly out the window of the car at the images passing by. I didn’t register anything. I didn’t even realize we’d arrived until the car stopped and I heard the car doors being opened.
Aunt Katherine led me inside and showed me to a room upstairs. I followed silently. Before leaving me she lightly kissed my forehead just the way my mother always had when I was little and I felt the first crack in the dam that was holding my emotions back.
I sat on the bed, staring blankly at the walls. I heard the door open but I didn’t turn to acknowledge it.
“Tyler?” I heard Destiny’s voice behind me.
Another crack.
I felt her sit on the bed next to me, but still I didn’t turn. Her arm went around me and I started to tremble. She didn’t say anything, neither did I. We just sat there silently. I leaned into her and she reached up with her other hand to cradle my face.
The dam finally broke. I turned my face against her neck and I cried.
Chapter 9: Life
I was filled with grief and guilt. I had never known anybody who’d died before. Both sets of my grandparents had passed away before I was born and both my parents were only children. Aunt Claire and Uncle Charlie had been our family, and now they were gone. It didn’t seem real.
I felt guilty for having been angry with them, for wanting to yell at them over the situation with Tyler. I realized with a horrible sinking feeling that as they died I had been thinking about how I would tell them off. I was consumed with more guilt than I’d ever known and helplessness over not knowing what to do about it. How do you apologize to the dead?
I was surprised and happy when my parents told me that Tyler would be coming to live with us. Apparently Uncle Charlie hadn’t spoken to his own father in decades and nobody knew how to reach him. Aunt Claire’s parents lived back east and hadn’t approved of her marriage to a Native American man so they hadn’t seen her since before the wedding, they had never even seen Tyler. They put up no protest when my parents petitioned for custody of Tyler.
Although I was glad that he was staying with us, glad that he was staying close, I found myself lost for words around him. I didn’t know what to say to someone who had just lost both parents. Was I supposed to act like nothing had happened? Was it okay to be happy? Should I try to talk to him about his parents?
Tyler didn’t seem to want to talk about anything. For the first few weeks he walked around like a zombie. Aside from the first afternoon he had come to the house he hadn’t cried again. Not even at the funeral. He was completely emotionless, vacant. He ate when he was supposed to, slept when he was supposed to, and spent the rest of the time staring blankly at a television. I felt helpless. I wanted to help him, but I didn’t know how.
“Just be his friend Destiny, that’s all you can do.” Mom told me “I was much younger when I lost my parents, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about them. Don’t push Tyler to talk, he’ll talk when he’s ready. Just let him know that you’re there for him. That’s all you can do.”
I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it, but I was d
etermined to help Tyler get through this. And I only had a short amount of time to do it. I was leaving for Juilliard in a month. I couldn’t bear the idea of leaving Tyler behind the way he was now.
“Hey Tyler can you help me for a minute?” I asked trying to sound as upbeat as possible and hoping my nervousness wouldn’t show in my voice.
He turned from the TV and met my eyes with a blank expression. My heart ached at the sight of his hollow eyes and the dark circles underneath, but I smiled brightly.
“I’m working on this composition for my entrance exam at Juilliard, and it’s just not quite right. Would you listen to it for me?”
He stared at me for a moment and I wasn’t sure if he was going to respond. I stood in front of him nervously trying not to fidget, waiting for his answer.
“Sure.” He said standing from the couch. His voice was hoarse and lacked any sort of emotion. He didn’t smile.
I turned and led him upstairs to my music room. I indicated a chair for him to sit on while I set up my sheet music. My hands trembled as I started to play and I wasn’t sure if it was nerves over letting someone hear this piece for the first time or if it was over the anxiety of whether or not my plan would work.
I had remembered that the summer I’d spent in LA Tyler had always loved to listen to me practice. And I’d hoped that playing for him would bring back some happy memories. Playing was a very emotional experience for me, and I hoped that listening to my music might incite some sort of emotion in him. Anything would be better than the emotionless shell he was now.
As I played I let the music seep into me. I felt it course through me and carry me off to that other place where nothing else existed but the melody. I closed my eyes as I often did when I played a familiar piece and simply let the music flow through me. When I played I felt utterly free.
When I finished I opened my eyes and looked at Tyler. His eyes were closed too, and a hint of a smile was pulling up one corner of his mouth. Slowly his eyes opened and met mine and I saw a small spark of life in them, something that hadn’t been there since his parents had died.
“That was beautiful.” He whispered and my heart thrilled at the emotion in his voice.
“Thank you. It’s still kind of rough, but…”
“No. It’s perfect.” he insisted and this time the hint of a smile turned into the real thing. My heart soared.
“Play something else.” He asked and without another word I raised my violin and began playing the first piece that came to memory.
I played until my hands ached. I had no idea how much time had passed, all I knew was Tyler was smiling. He kept his eyes closed as he listened, and he smiled.
Finally I had to take a break. I lowered the violin and stretched out the aches in my shoulders and neck.
“Thank you.” Tyler whispered with his eyes still closed.
I walked over to the chair where he sat and stood in front of him. He opened his eyes and looked up at me.
“Thank you.” He said again this time with more force.
I reached over and placed my hand against his cheek and he leaned into it. I didn’t know what to say. Our eyes stayed locked as he looked up at me, my hand cradling his face. The sudden intensity in his eyes made my heart flutter unexplainably.
“Knock knock.” Chance said as he opened the door. I jerked my hand from Tyler’s face as I turned toward the door.
“Mom said to tell you dinner’s ready.” Chance announced then pivoted and disappeared as quickly as he’d come.
Tyler stood and we both walked silently downstairs to dinner. As we walked down the steps Tyler reached over and took my hand. My heart fluttered again.
We walked into the formal dining room prepared to pass through to the kitchen where we usually ate but were surprised to find Aunt Amy and Uncle Dan sitting at the large table with my parents. Everyone turned to look at us as we walked into the room and self-consciously Tyler let go of my hand. Before anyone could say anything Chance, Jaime and Kenzie all came bustling into the room laughing and talking about the show they’d just been watching as we all took our seats.
Throughout dinner conversations varied, Aunt Amy peppered me with questions about Juilliard. The girls wanted to know if they could come visit me in New York. Mom talked about a difficult cake she was working on, her clients had met in Italy and wanted their wedding cake to resemble the leaning tower of Pisa, and she said it was a nightmare to try to design, but I could tell by her tone she loved the challenge. Dad talked about the art gallery he was considering opening. Chance bragged to Uncle Dan about the long list of girls that were vying for his attention at school.
Tyler didn’t talk but he at least seemed to be listening to the conversations around him, which was definitely an improvement. Anytime I looked his way his eyes were riveted on me. It made me nervous to feel so scrutinized, but also happy to see the first signs of life he’d shown in several weeks.
After dinner he helped me clear the table and followed me into the kitchen to help with the dishes. We worked in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I was thrilled to see Tyler doing something, anything.
“Will you play for me again?” he asked when we’d finished.
“Of course!” I exclaimed automatically taking his hand and pulling him towards the stairs.
Chapter 10: Music
At first I tried to hold on to the good memories. I remembered my mom’s smile, and the way she would tuck me into bed at night when I was little telling me fantastic stories of dragons and knights in shining armor. I remembered playing ball with my dad in the back yard of our house in San Diego. I remembered how much I had looked up to him. I remembered everything good about my childhood that I’d allowed myself to forget over the last few years, and suddenly these last few years seemed so insignificant compared to the rest. I tried so hard to hold on to those memories. Tried not to think about how devastated my mother had looked the last time I saw her, or how disappointed my dad had been. I tried not to think of those things, but those were the things that kept me up at night. Those memories were the ones that haunted me.
The regret, the grief, the pain. It was too much. So I blocked it out. I blocked everything out. It was the only way to survive. The numbness lasted for weeks. At first it was like a protective cover, something to shield me from the pain. But then it turned into a prison, blocking out all light, all emotion, everything. I didn’t know how to release it. I felt dead inside.
Destiny brought me back to life. The sound of her music broke through the shell that surrounded me. The music brought back emotion. Happiness, sadness, pain, all of it and I welcomed it. I hadn’t been sure if I’d ever feel anything again, and I was relieved to discover I could. I was also frightened by the intensity of it.
So many emotions had washed through me as she’d played and then when she’d finished and I looked up into her eyes the strongest and most frightening emotion of all overwhelmed me. I didn’t have a name for it, not yet. I just recognized it as a need. A need for her. Suddenly I remembered the kiss we’d shared the previous summer and I ached to kiss her again. But Chance coming to tell us it was time for dinner interrupted us before I could act on the sudden impulse to take her in my arms.
As we ate dinner I listened to the conversations that flowed around me. It was like cotton had been stuffed in my ears all this time and now it had been removed. Everything seemed louder, brighter. I couldn’t take my eyes off Destiny. She was radiant.
Her dark hair created such a startling contrast with her fair complexion that her face almost seemed to glow, and her deep blue eyes surrounded by thick dark lashes mesmerized me. I had known her all my life, but it seemed like I was just seeing her for the first time. Had she always been this beautiful?
After dinner I asked her to play for me again. I wanted to experience the emotions that her music provoked in me. It felt so good just to feel again.
However, as much as I wanted to, I wasn’t brave enough to kiss her that night. Or the nex
t. She continued to play for me every day, and I listened with rapt attention. Sometimes I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the music flowing through me. Sometimes I watched her beautiful face serious with concentration as she played.
She was working at her mom’s bakery for the summer and days were lonely waiting for her to come home, sometimes the solitude would bring back the emptiness. But every night I would come back to life when she played for me. When she played it was like we were inside a bubble where only she and I and her music existed.
A week passed before the bubble popped. Each day I felt a little more alive, a little more like myself. I knew the pain of losing my parents would never fully leave me, but I realized with some relief that I was still alive and it was ok for me to live. It was less painful when Destiny was with me.
I knew that she would be leaving for New York in a very short time and that thought terrified me, I didn’t know what I’d do without her. I couldn’t let her leave without telling her how I felt. The desire I felt for her was becoming overwhelming and I couldn’t let her leave without kissing her again.
Summer was in full swing and the weather was beautiful, so I decided to surprise her with a picnic on the beach. I had finally worked up the nerve to act on these feelings. I wasn’t 15 anymore and I was going to show her that.
I packed us a lunch, sandwiches and sodas and some of the big chocolate chip cookies Aunt Katherine had baked the night before, and found a big beach blanket to sit on. When everything was ready I went to go find Destiny to invite her to come to the beach with me.
I found her coming down the stairs and smiled as I waited at the bottom watching her descend. Butterflies erupted inside me as I imagined kissing her.
